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New to this site - marriage problems
September 7, 2005
4:25 am
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space
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Hello, I have been reading this site for a couple of months now. I have been married for 4 years, 9 months before we married my husband had intercourse with a prostitute and told me.
He was very shocked and disgusted with himself, because he was so upset I forgave him & it wasn't discussed again. He asked me to marry him & stupidly I thought because we had got through the prostitute incident we could get through anything so I said yes. We had a huge wedding & after 6 months of being married I got more & more depressed & ended up on antidepressents & seeing a counsellor. My husband was unsorportive & unhelpfull, through my depression we lived abroad so I had nobody to turn to & no real friends to help. Eventually after 1 year I woke up one day left work & moved back to my home country. He kept promising to follow me but didn't untill I gave him an ultimatum after 15 months of living apart, he came back but then took a job in other town which meant us living apart again, after 7 months of only seeing each other at weekends I gave him another ultimatum to come and live with me and try to make our marriage work or I would file for divorce. He came back 2 months ago and we started marriage guidance but he has now said he doesn't want to go anymore because "he has changed and we don't need it". The codependant part of me desperatly wants him to keep going because I know things can't change unless we get help, however I also know that he has to want to go. To be honest he is great 'fun' but not really a very good husband and I am at an age where I have to think start thinking about children, I so very, very much want my marriage to work but I can't do it alone. The marriage guidance lady has said twice she thinks we should seperate because we want different things from the marriage but neither of us seems able to end the marraige ( he says he loves me and wants to be with me ) and I just can't go through with it becuase he cries and pulls at my heart strings. It is almost too bad to stay but not bad enough to go. Thanks for listening and I would love somebody to tell me how they left a partner that wasn't obviously abusive but was so manipulative that you start to question everything. I have read co dependant no more which helped.

September 7, 2005
4:41 am
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alyssa
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HI SPACE,

I'm sorry I don't have an experience like that to share with you. I am just up at this crazy hour and wanted to say hi.

There's so many great people on this site. and everyone with different problems but similar ones at the same time. you hang around for a while and you'll find someone who can help you. It's nice just to vent some.

Welcome!

September 7, 2005
6:53 am
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depressionsucks78
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Hi Space~

I don't know that my issues are relavent to yours, but maybe we can help each other. My husband WAS abusive to me, but not physically. He just ripped me apart verbally. He and I just had our 6th anniversary, but we have been seperated for 3 and a half years. There is no hope of us getting back together, but neither of us has filed in the last 3 1/2 years.....weird, huh?

I am fighting other demons right now, so I am sorry if I get off track. I don't really know why I'm posting here, just feeling so lost, hoping that maybe somewhere I can find rhyme or reason to life.

So far, no such luck. I hope you find the courage to tell your husband how you feel, and I hope you do better than I have at it.

Good luck.

~Sucks

September 7, 2005
7:11 am
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space
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Thank you both for replying. I'm sorry that you are feeling lost too. I think that I have to accept that my husband is just the way he is and that he can't make me happy and isn't prepared to get help to change, but it is so very hard. When I am feeling strong and sure I know he is manipulative and that I'm not unreasonable but he has a way of turning things around and saying things to make me think that things are OK, I have read so many accounts on here of people who's partners are manipulative and abusive and I think please just leave them but why is it so hard to do something about in my own marriage.

September 7, 2005
9:35 am
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Anonymous
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keep going to counseling yourself.

even if he doesn't go.

at some point, you will get the strength to leave - but it will take either him leaving, him doing something so assanine that you want him gone and can't face him again, or you getting strong enough to realize you don't deserve this and if he can't be a good husband, he certainly can't be a good dad.

if he won't continue with counseling - you can't change that - but make it clear to him that you will continue and let the chips fall where they may - he will either continue or say screw it - but you can't change that outcome.

fix you - make you strong - and the answers will come to you in time.

if you abandon counseling - you risk being in the same cycle again - and chance are, he left you before, he will again - if he does - let him stay gone - for your own sanity.

good luck and keep coming back here - there are lots of good "eggs" here who can help you make sense of it all.

September 7, 2005
9:50 am
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darby
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September 27, 2010
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Dear Space, Have you read The Invitation? One of my favorite questions in it is, "Can you disappoint another to be true to yourself?" You are considering trading away the rest of your life because this man cries and pulls at your heartstrings. I am not being judgemental--I've been there, done that. Please don't let him twist your thoughts into believing you are expecting too much. I spent years settling for a little less, then a little less than that, slowly chipping away at what I expected from life. By the time I left, I was a physical, mental and emotional trainwreck. Took me almost 30 years of marriage to break down. Do you want to feel like this when you are in your 50's? Don't try to convince yourself those little glimmers of light mean there's still hope if there is not. Decide for yourself what you want from life and try to honestly assess how close you will come to your dream if you stay on the path you're on now.

September 7, 2005
10:12 am
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taj64
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I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now.

Read this book. I got it at the library.

Too good to leave, too bad to stay : a step-by-step guide to helping you decide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship
Kirshenbaum, Mira.

Your relationship had problems before you got married. And rocky through it. This is not a good sign. Were you getting married for the ideas in your head or what you thought he could be? Having a loving husband, supportive of you, children if both want them, sharing life together yet both having separate identities is important to make a marriage work. Staying with him because he is fun is not good enough reason to stay married, if he cannot provide you with what you want, and you are miserable because of it. He is being selfish making his needs come first, like jobs, etc when you are supposed to be partners and making important decisions like this together and coming together by compromise or agreement. He is keeping you in destruction by saying everything is ok and it is not. He is not able to give you what you want from what I see from your initial thread. Ask yourself is it more bad times, then good times. I think it sounds like you have a fantasy going on in your head and a man who isn't fulfilling it. I believe yes you can love a person very much, that person loves you but sometimes it doesn't work out. And you set yourself free for something else out there.

September 7, 2005
1:53 pm
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space
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Thank you ALL for your wonderful supportive replies and advise. I am going to read them all properly tonight and order the books mentioned.I am so grateful that somebody other than my counsellor listened and helped. I will post again

Space x

September 7, 2005
2:07 pm
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taj64
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Space, the library is great place to get relationship books. They have all the books that have been mentioned on threads. Will save you $$$$$$. This site is good because it is truly getting words from people who have live through what you are living through right now. Hang in there.

September 7, 2005
2:08 pm
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kathygy
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space,

You feelings and needs are very important. It sounds like you have a lousy marriage. You deserve a man who treats you with love and respect, one who cares that you feel depressed. Nothing is going to change with your husband given that he dropped out of couples therapy. But it is very important that you go to individual therapy to help build your self esteem and inner strength so that you can leave this marriage even if he does cry. Remember it is his own doing that you want to leave the marriage.

love,
kathy

September 7, 2005
2:51 pm
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depressionsucks78
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I just realized something...my husband wouldn't go to counseling either, and we first started having problems when my illness first became apparent, while he was in Bosnia, in the Army.

WOW, this is strange...he refused to deal with anything once he found out that I was not the "strong, bad-ass" woman he fell in love with.
(Don't know if I was EVER "bad-ass", but ok)
Anyway, I think men just suck!
No I take that back, RELATIONSHIPS suck, not just men, cuz we can be pretty bad too...oh well

September 7, 2005
4:13 pm
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Anonymous
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could your husband be angry that you won't take his abuse and support his butt?

sometimes weak guys find women they think are strong and able to support them - and when we take away the support, they cry like babies and throw tantrums.

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