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New to the site-- kinda long
June 28, 2009
11:40 pm
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Vixie87
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Hello, I am new here. After recent circumstances, I did some web surfing and believe I am codependent. My whole life I thought I had to please my mother and my family. I couldn't get a B- without my mom freaking out, if I had the wrong friends, she would lecture. My whole life I have been depressed and anti-social for fear of my mother's input. I am now in my early 20's, going to college and am in a long term relationship. My mom calls all the time to see if I am doing what I am suppose to, to make her proud. If I am not doing something she would approve of, I feel ashamed and depressed. I recently quit my job, transfered schools, and moved back home because I could no longer take my mother's criticism. I made a big mistake and want to go back to what I had. They just want me to do what they think is best and break up with my boyfriend because they don't like his open attitude. I want to live my life, but nothing is the right choice in their eyes

What do I do?

June 29, 2009
12:06 am
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fantas
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(((Vixie))), Welcome to the site. Go back to your school away from home, start going to the school counselor and self assertion and esteem group meetings in the school and I promise you that by the time you graduate from school, you will be in-charge of your life. You are fortunate in that you realize that your relationship with your family is unhealthy and you wish to change it. This is huge. In time, you will cease to care what they really think of you and do what is best for you.

For now, I would suggest not living at home with them and demanding they call and set a date before they come to you. Do what you wish to despite their disapproval. You will get stronger. All the best! Keep posting.

June 29, 2009
12:10 am
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Vixie87
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Fantas,

Thanks for the advice. It really helps. I just wish I didn't feel bad for wanting to leave even though my heart is telling me to go back.

June 29, 2009
1:29 am
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fantas
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The feeling bad will dissipate as you get stronger and more practice with setting your boundaries. Expect them to get even more controlling when you beginning to assert yourself. However, feel the feelings as your are doing it. Seek different support to deal with the guilt and all those emotions. It will get easier for you. You will find yourself better able to handle your family drama and not too moved by it in time. However, the journey of a thousand miles starts with one step. You've got to have the courage to do so. Once you do it, the universe will meet you half way. You found your way here, didn't you. So you have us to talk to and seek support from. Stay focused on what you desire.

June 29, 2009
12:13 pm
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positivetrooper
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September 30, 2010
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Wow...sounds like we have the same parents.

I want to commend you for noticing this trend early, and not wait 10 more years to realize this. Not only can that affect your health, but future relationships.

I'm 33, and am finally seeking help. Pick up the book "Codependent no more" and that would be a great start.

And definitely do want you want to do.

I had to cut off all contact with my mother, it's been 6 months, but each day does get better.

The feeling of become your own person and become stronger is priceless.

Good luck with everything. And this site is great! <3

June 29, 2009
12:15 pm
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MsGuided
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Hi Vixie.

It's hard to live with constant disapproval and with controlling parents. You get conditioned through your childhood, then when you try to make a break into the world as an adult the interference has great emotional consequences ( like you described) if we don't fully understand the dynamic. It's not you it is THEM!

You deserve support and love for who you are. The fact you are going to college shows you are making good choices.

You can seek therapy, read about family dynamics, and take action.
It's your life. YOU make your career choices, seek out support from teachers, mentors, friends anyone who supports you in a kind positive way. Try to stay the course with your goals and plans.

If you have a BF who treats you well, aren't abusing substances, are responsible( keeping up with routines, schedules AND Self care) then that is what's important.

You can get back on your chosen path by trying to block out their negative input. Find a way to focus on positive self affirmations, or seek out a supportive person to help re-balance you.

A lot of us here struggle with the same things. Disapproval of different sorts from family, or spouses.

Learning how to keep negative family input from weakening us is one of the hardest journies to take.

I wish i knew better when i was your age!

At least you are aware and are looking for ways to make your life better. I'ld say listen to your heart and gut. Go back to school, and try to ignore the lack of support. Don't answer the phone, let it go to msg's, then call back when you have time to level off and say what works for you.

Don't let anyone get in the way of your dreams or goals. It's YOUR life and future now.

Be Well!

June 29, 2009
12:50 pm
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Vixie87
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Thank you so much for your support. I think I have realized where I am in life because I am always depressed. I don't have many friends and I just want to be happy in my life.

I have a boyfriend who I have been with for almost three years and he has been the most supportive person in my life. Sometimes he gets frustrated because of my family and doesn't know how to help. I don't even know what to tell him sometimes. I feel so bad for the way I am because I don't feel like I have ever been able to have a normal relationship, whether it be with friends or boyfriends.

I hurt so much sometimes and I just want to be better, but they put me down for what I want to do. They don't want me to be with him and I feel like I am being torn two different ways.

June 29, 2009
12:54 pm
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unknowna
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fantas advice sounds great. Just do not give up. You are grown now and only you have control of your life. And going back to the school that had some distance from your parents is a good thing. Hugs.

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