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new to site-why do i let myself stay in this situation
September 8, 2005
1:07 am
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jen1177
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i am new to this site but i have read all of your comments and they have been very helpful. i am a 29 year old woman who is in a terrible relationship with a man who is so very bad for me. we have broken up several times and each time i always go back to the same old situation. i get this feeling of panic and then go back to it. i love him with all my heart and soul but i know deep down he is so bad for me. its been 3 years of nothing but misery and yet i still beg for him not to be mad at me and not to break up with me. i have caught him cheating, he puts me down constantly. just this weekend he said i dont have any friends because i am so depressed all the time. i just cried and agreed with him and told him i would try harder to be happy. i really dont know why i let him control everything i do and how i feel and if anyone can answer this for me i am all ears. i have read co-dependent no more and it has got me though some terrible times but i just cant let go of him. believe me i have tried. i have given up everything to try to make him happy but nothing works. this is really embarrassing but i have given up all of my old friends and family. i am so ashamed of what ive done! i have tried to commit suicide, which i know is not his fault i only have myself to blame for that. i just want this feeling of fear to go away. pretty much everyone has given up on me and they dont want to deal with my "drama" anymore so i have shut myself off from the world not talking to anyone but him because i cant handle all of the critical remarks i get from the people who were once my world. i once had a huge support group who i felt i could tell anything to but now i am alone. i even moved away from my small home town because i couldnt take it anymore. yes i am currently seeing a counseler but i feel it really doesnt do any good. i just go in and tell him what he wants to hear so he doesnt get mad and critisize me. i dont tell anyone what really happens and how bad i feel. i just cant. just recently i checked my boyfriends voicemail and there was a girl on it saying she would meet him for dinner. i confronted him and he just screamed at me telling me it was his best friend but i know her voice and it wasnt. but i just let it go b/c i did not want him to be mad at me but in all honesty i am still freaking out about it. i am just ready to lose my mind again and if anyone has any advice that might help a little i would be forever greatful. i am even afraid to send this thread for fear what someone will think of me when they read it.
jen

September 8, 2005
1:24 am
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mamacinnamon
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Jen:

Oh how I can relate to what you say above. As to why you don't leave him I cannot answer that. I think my case was a bit different as to that aspect.

Please don't tell your counselor just what he/she wants to hear. It is doing you NO GOOD. At this point in time you self-esteem has been stolen from you. It is and is gonna be scarry to stand up and move on, but honey you can do it. IF you choose not to I am gonna copy what was posted on the Wed nite thread. Very wise words. Very brave woman. IF you can get to this point you will be doin great. I think if you can get to this point you may decide he's not good enough for you.

Here it is. How to NOT react....

actually no he isn't.he asks me what i am doing and what i want out of like alot- i tell him just to be happy. i think he surrendered...he used to pout- i got on the phone. he used to hollor- i refused to participate. he tried belittleing me- my anser was just because you say it doesn't make it true and it makes you look stupid. he quit. he stayed out all night- i didn't notice. he quit that. i just don't react to him anymore. if we have plans and he backs out at the last minute, i go alone and have a good time. what ever...he calls me on my cell everytime i work the booster store and trys to talk me into leaving and doing something with or for him. don't work. kinda funny to me. he asks me what my plans for the week are, i say same as yours i suppose. (dilberatley vaque) he tried getting rides to the games and then riding home with me. i put a stop to that. i like to stay afterwords and talk to the other people volunteering. sometimes he talks about his drinking problem, i hand him an aa card and walk off. he talked about being drpressed,i gave him the number to mental health and left. i work for him. he threatend to fire me. told him to get a good lawyer. that ended that. i mean what else can he do????

Might help to get started w/ just one baby step to help you learn to blow off the crap he puts in your head. Decide on a phrase that means kiss my a**, who gives a sh**, something that will convey that to you in your mind. I use "how bout that" which actually is taken from my grandmother. She has said that for many hears and nobody knew what that meant. My sis and I finally figured it out that grandmother was saying "how bout that" to a whole lot of things. It to her means "who gives a sh**". My 98 year old grandmother is saying things like that but in a ladylike wqy. Anyway, come up w/ a word and when he starts say it to yourself and walk away. Won't take long for you to toughen up.

Keep posting here. There are others that have wonderful advise.We can be your support system, your place to vent, your place to belong. 🙂

September 8, 2005
1:36 am
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lost and found
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glad u are here jen. you are not alone. sorry life is so tough for u right now. spend a little time aways form him. one afternoon. something. see if it is really him in the bad mood. it may not be you at all. you are just internalizing his pain. i bet by yourself you are happy. you can stay with him, but take little steps to freedom. mentally i mean. call your parents, siblings, friends, dont' talke about him at all. don't say his name. learn to function a few minutes a day without him as top priority. for god's sake don't try suicide again. nobody is worth that. keep coming back to this site. ther are wonderful people here that will listen.

September 8, 2005
1:40 am
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jen1177
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thank you mamacinnamon for responding so quickly.
i cry as i read what you wrote and only hope that i will someday be strong enough to feel that way. i have so many things that i am sad about but it doesnt do any good to talk about all the bad things that have happened. i just want to feel better and get my life back if thats at all possible. i am going to try what you said and try to be aware what he is doing to me. i already have the phase in my head that i am going to use. thanks again for being so kind to me.

September 8, 2005
1:49 am
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mamacinnamon
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Jen:

I too wish I were strong enough to feel that way. I have been where you are. To the point of suicide also. But, I lived for my kids. Not much of a mom that is so depressed she's a zombie. But, as you say, the past is the past. I go the suggestion from Lost and Found who also posted. One very strong lady. Maybe we can get there to that point as L&F together. Tomorrow is a new day. Good for getting started right? One more thing. A verse...

Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Very important... take each day as it comes. When you go to bed at night leave that day behind. Then start the next day all new and good.

September 8, 2005
1:50 am
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lost and found
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could it be because your greatest fear is him leaving you? sometimes when i think back to the things i let mine say to me because i didn't want him to leave, i want to slap myself.

September 8, 2005
1:59 am
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littlesteps
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Jen I can totally relate to you, I have been in a similar marriage for 18 yrs, it doesnt get better let me tell you.......my name stands for what I am doing....littlesteps, you see I have been and still are where you are at sometimes, although I know that I am starting to take back my power now and you need to do this for you also.....first step...make it your mission to seek help, I found a site that may help you...www.joy2meu.com full of wonderful reading which you will totally relate too, I also do phone session with the aurthur of the book and site, he is great...get yourself into a 12 step prog, I went to my first today it was awesome I cried like a baby....seems to me you are suffering from what we all do, co/da at its best, I to tried to committe suicide, horrible to be that obssessed an out of control over someone.....learn to be honest with yourself, you will probably find like me that my fear is of being alone, abandoned, rejected....I too am isolated from family etc, they are all over seas......make an effort to make friends, they will be your savyour when it comes time to leave......if this man loves you he will look at himself and do work on him also, it's a 2 way street Jen, and guess what, its not your fault you are suffering with co/da...its just your wounded soul, learn to focus on you more and more everyday, dont share this info with him, love yourself, say good things to yourself over and over everyday, tell your self you are a wonderful person with a good heart, and guess what if it feels like you are brian washing yourself, its because you need to brian wash yourself, we were told and treated badly and beleived it and owned it as our own truth, your job Jen is to love and re-programme your thinking....my heart goes out to you, but know this, you can do it, dig deep inside and love you.....hugs

September 8, 2005
8:11 am
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hi there jen -

let me first say that I'd like to applaud you for your powerful and courageous post, I can tell you've discovered an entirely new way to break out of your shell or isolation. And you still got what it takes to do so even if you still up to this very moment are convinced you don't. Trust on you. There is a way out for you. It's never too late. As to what I personally think of you after reading your post, I think you're a wise yet secretive person with a gentle heart who feels more or less powerless at the moment and got caught up in a toxic or unhealthy relationship.

You wrote :"I dont tell anyone what really happens and how bad i feel". Why's that ? Why are you so scared of showing people who you are ? What do you think will happen if you do ? Are you afraid people will judge or reject you, tell you that you are a wimp or a nuthead? what does that tell you about them ?

Most important (from my point of view) above all is that you tell yourself what really happend and how bad you feel. This will get you in touch with your inner feelings (core of the matter?), making you feel alot more grounded again. You cannot continue this self-denial - denying or not giving a voice to whatever it is you truly feel, experience or think - just because you're afraid another person will get mad at you. Are you afraid that if you admit to yourself how toxic or negative your situation really is, you will crack or fall to pieces?

Your feelings of fear may be produced as a result of not listening to your inner voice (intuition) or not relying on what you already know to be true and failing to act accordingly.

I believe self-destructive behavior when sustained for a long period of time, can lead to a slow and erosive process of depersonalisation (loss of a feeling of identity, sense of self, giving up on your personal space etc). You already know from experience that giving up on you (self-sacrificing) to make another person happy, doesn't work. It just doesn't get you what you want. So now its about time to recognize, acknowledge and get what you want, don't you think so?

Have you ever considered to practice showing 'displeasing behavior' merely as an experimental method for you to break through your feelings of panic and fear?

So what is it (you think) your counselor wants to hear ? did he tell you what he wants to hear ? why don't you tell him just what you posted here on this thread - that you are afraid or anxious to tell him how you really feel because you dread him criticizing or getting mad at you (self-disclosure) ? do you feel he is repeating the abusive pattern you're in with your boyfriend in this counseling contact or relation (or are you projecting your expectation on him - the expectation that your 'true' self should you decide to show it to him, will get rejected, judged or not accepted unconditionally)? if so and he's acting abusive (probably not, huh?), do you think that's a professional way of behaving towards you? if so, how would you go about - what steps would you take - to break free from him and completely end your counseling sessions with him (because that's what you've probably got to do with your boyfriend as well, so consider yourself put to the test or challenged here ... at some point you've got to tell people loud an clear who you are instead of giving in to your inclination or "need" to present to the world outside the person you think you have to be in other people's eyes)?

As for your question - 'why do I let myself stay in this situation' - is it because your boyfriend has made you feel somehow incompetent, incapable or powerless to do so (where you believed him and allowed him to do that to you?) - adding up to a situation where you have lost all belief or faith in yourself ?

Little steps usually make up for a huge stride forward in the short or long run even if other people around you don't notice it, don't even care or give an inch. But you care. And that's all that matters.

September 9, 2005
1:09 am
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jen1177
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Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I really appreciate your words of kindness and support. I never realized that there are other people in this world going through the same as me. It makes things a little easier and makes me want to get better but I am not sure that I can ever get my life back but thats okay I need to focus on a new life not the one I left behind. I live my life in fear, fear of rejection, fear of people hating me. I hope there comes a day when I dont feel so sad and down on myself. I will continue to use this site and work on getting my life back, even if I just take little steps. See I am doing it again I am telling you all what you want to hear the truth is I'm so lonely I could die. There are days I just want to stay in bed and never get up. Will it ever get better? Will it ever get easier? My mother tells me I choose to be like this and I am the only one who can fix it but how? I tried believe me. I moved away and changed my phone number but I just ended up calling him and letting move back in which he is already gone again. he has left me so many times I cant even count. Now we see each other on the weekends only but gets mad if I do anything outside of work. I know I should not care if he gets mad and do what I want but I just can't. He accuses me of cheating on him. I really only want to have some sort of social life not to cheat on him. This weekend I have some old friends coming into town for a big football game and he is freaking out. How do I deal with this do I just tell my friends I cant go out with them and stay home? I feel terrible doing this but I also will worry the entire time I am out that he is angry with me and I wont have any fun anyway. I just don't know what to do anymore. well thank you again for your advice and I will continue to use this site.

September 9, 2005
1:15 am
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mamacinnamon
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Jen:

We're glad you will continue to come here. You are most welcome. Start w/ those baby steps and when you fall, then you fall back on us. We're here to catch you and set you back up to try again.

🙂

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