Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
New to site ... in love with the wrong man
June 19, 2007
3:58 pm
Avatar
ShortCake
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 50
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This thread has helped me see a few things I keep denying. Thanks everyone. Good luck to you all. Yes, I agree that contact does give us a simple high, but only for a short period of time. The lows that come after the high are not worth it...

June 19, 2007
9:41 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I felt terribly anxious all the time. I had never felt that way. It was like I did not know what to do with myself. I wanted so badly not to feel this way. With time, I got better. I took antidepressants for awhile also prescription sleep aide. Only for a few months. It was a rough time in my life. It is long process but seriously you do get better. It is really hard in the beginning. It subsides. It takes time. Snap it even harder. Have faith most of all, that in long run you will be better off. Short term is just that, temporary. It is not worth it. Focus on yourself, what you really want. Someday you will fall for the right man and you will know it. You know deep inside this is wrong, that he doesn't want it. Otherwise you would not suffer over it. You deserve better so keep plugging away at getting better for yourself. this is your life, so live it. don't waste time.

June 20, 2007
4:08 pm
Avatar
bmom74
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am so glad PL posted to this thread and that I had the chance to read what the rest of you said. I had intially posted about pretty much the same thing. This was a few weeks ago and I was doing so much better. However, I feel like I have slipped back a little now. He is still living with me but supposedly is planning to move out soon. I had my last breast cancer surgery last week and he was great, very sweet and accommodating. Of course, this set me back even though I know logically this type of treatment from him never lasts. So, my heart is once again asking why he doesn't love me. I have done so much for him, have taken care of his kids, have let him live with me free. People say I am pretty, I have a good job, yada, yada ... so why doesn't he love me?? I just can't seem to quit beating myself up over this. It has absolutely destroyed my confidence. I am trying so hard and have started therapy but tough not to fall back into old insecure thoughts. When he talks about moving out, he talks about me going with him but as "friends." Who wants to live with a "friend" the rest of your life??? I guess he wants me there to take care of him. This is so hard. I need about fifty rubber bands on my wrist I think.

June 20, 2007
4:52 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It is hard. OF course your self esteem suffers. You cannot make a man love you no matter all your good qualities. In order to get your confidence back, it is you that has to look to love you and accept you the way you are and change things that you can change. You are right who wants to settle for friends when that is not what YOU want. It is a process and won't be overnight but really this guy needs to be gone out of your house so that you can move on. By him staying and freeloading off you, it will only get worse. A true friend would not use you this way. He is a leech, sucking you dry out of your own self. Get rid of him and you might be sad at first but relief will also come along. It is a waste of a good woman such as yourself to wait around for him to love you. If he did, he would have fallen for you long time ago. There are plenty of guys out there that will love you way better and like you for who you are. How are you going to find that person until you close your heart off to this, what did you call him "friend". He is no friend, not by a long shot. It might seem sweet that he was there for you for your cancer. A lot of people can be there for you. Sickness brings out the generousity in others. It is called helping. But it is the big picture, the long haul that counts. It is the steady trotter that wins the race. He is not steady. And maybe he is friendly but he is not much of a friend in my book. And why would you want a friend like this? How about your other friends that you do not have romantic feelings for? Would you want your friends to fall for a jerk like this? I doubt it. Actions speak louder than words. All the cooking, cleaning and loving and even sex isn't going to get this guy to commit to you. Take your own actions, get rid of the moocher, and your life will fall into place.

June 20, 2007
6:03 pm
Avatar
nappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

When you are with someone that is making you crazy, then it is time to let go.
When you are stuck and I mean totaly stuck on one person, then it is time to let go.
When you can't even see your own self in the mirror then it is time to let this person go.
If you know that you are a good woman, why on earth do you want to be in love with the wrong man.
We all here on this site has been with the wrong man ( maybe a few wrong mens)and I hope to god that some of them are not with that person any more.
I guess until peoples realize that everyone here on this earth is not perfect and they need to stop trying to find that perfect man because it is just not going to happen.
Everyone here on this earth has some sort of baggage and I mean everyone.
It is just up to that person how much do they want to put up with. See we all have choices before we even get into a relationship. We all should know as you start to get to know that person that there is certain things in life that they HAVE to take care of in life
if he don't have a job

if he has kids and not taking care of them.

if he don't have any bills to pay

if he don't have a resident to call his own

if he has been on any drugs or drinking more then the average person do in one day

and all of the stuff that you fill that you just can't put up with and will stick to your standard of being happy, then you should not even get mixed up with a person like that. Because the first thing that I would ask if what can he do for me that I am not doing for myself right now.

bmom74- I hope that you are getting better but this man here that you want so much to love you is doing nothing but using you. I hate to say that to you sweetheart but he is. Right now he would turn flip for you if only he can stay until he can do better.
Sometimes I would get mad at a man for taken advantage of a woman, but then I started to think, if that woman is truly taken care of him and he don't have to do anything, then why not. I wish I had someone to take care of me. Wishing that I don't have to take any responsiblity for myself because I have this other person doing ALL for me.
I already knew that I couldn't take care of a man like that. After I have drain the life out of me for taking care of him, who is going to take care of me. Please. There is alot of blood sucking mens out there because there is alot of womens out there that will do this sort of thing just to have a man in there life. Do you honestly think that he is going to change. If he haven't change while he has been living with me and I look up and he is still in the same place that he was when we met, then I would be sending him packing out of the door. Unless he has gold on his thang, that will be the only way I would be taken care of a man.

You don't need a rubber band, you need to think very carefully if you are going to either put up with it or let it go and start working on yourself.
Nappy

June 22, 2007
2:19 pm
Avatar
PL
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

bmom74 I know exactly how you feel. You sound like a lovely person and this man is lucky to have you in his life. It is a sad fact but we can give someone our all and love them unconditionally, but it doesn't guarantee that they will love us back and unfortunately there are people in this world who will take advantage of this (I have and am learning this the hard way with my FRIEND)

Sometimes we have to face the fact that we cannot change the way that people feel about us. Iam trying to accept this fact with my friend. I too have been there for him through thick and thin and cannot understand why he doesn't love me back but I am not what he wants or needs and I am trying to come to terms with that.

How will you feel without him in your life? Is it possible that you could feel any worse than you do now? It must be destroying your confidence if you are in contact with him everyday and constantly reminded about his lack of feelings. When I don't see my friend for a while I actually feel better about myself, it is when I do see him that I start to feel anxious and insecure again. Maybe you could consider having a short period in your life without him in it (I know its a scary thought but it could do you the world of good) and actually start to wean you off him. I know its easy to give advice and I should take it myself!

June 22, 2007
4:08 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Have you thought that maybe this is not really a good friend? A good friend would do what is best for a friend. One-sided relationship are nothing short of pain and misery. I'd highly recommend some therapy and seek out why you stay in this so long, why you are addicted to someone that you shortchange your own self and respect to get a little attention. The guy does not really respect you deep down, and is only fulfilling his own needs at this point, using. These are not friends, they are users. WHen you love yourself, treat yourself better, you realize then that you don't really need this "friend". IT is not worth it. Accepting that is it over will go a long way. As long as you stay "hopeful" then this could go on for a long time. But it is over, was over, been over, and crying and letting this go even if painful for awhile is beneficial and all part of the process. You cannot grow if you are stuck. Let it go. There is nothing more painful then a broken heart but hearts heal, only you have to let it. and time allows it. Trying to change something you cannot change will hold you back. I'd get mad at this guy, mad for dragging you along this way, at least being mad is constructive, you can do something with it but being hopeful won't do any good.

June 22, 2007
6:19 pm
Avatar
PL
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

taj64 just to let you know that I have found your advice really useful and encouraging. You speak a lot of sense.

June 23, 2007
12:44 pm
Avatar
bmom74
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks everyone for the advice. All of you are so right on about where I am in this and wondering why I would even want a relationship like this. I thought I would give you an update. Last night we had a huge fight, our worst ever and I told him he had to get out now. I have done this before but have not followed through with it. I think I am strong enough to do it this time. Here is what it started it: my daughter was here last night and started talking about how the two of us really cared about each other and would just not admit it, etc. I could tell he was getting uncomfortable. Finally, he said "aren't you supposed to think your mate is attractive? I do not think your Mom is attractive." This was very hurtful to me. We have had sex several times and to hear him say he does not find me attractive was a knife through the heart to say the least. She then left and he and I got into it big time. He told me over and over I was not attractive and that he had never loved me, did not love me now and would not love me when he left. He also said, with the exception of his children, I was the best thing that had happened to him in his life. But, he just kind of skirted by that comment. When I told him he must have found me attractive on at least "several occasions" (meaning when we had sex), he told me he had made "bad judgments then." This really killed me. He said the only reason I was mad is because I wanted to take it to the next level and he did not want that. I, of course, denied that and told him he had nothing to offer me as a convicted felon making minimum wage so why would I want to take it to the next level? This is not true. As all of you know, I do love him but I could not admit this. I told him he needed to get out and I even went so far as to call his sister and tell her I wanted him out of here. I have not done this before. I was crying when I called her. Even though he is 43 years old, his sister has always kind of watched out for him and taken care of him. I told her on the phone last night that neither one of us have done him any favors by enabling him over and over again. She said she knew that and was not going to help him this time. I am sure she will though. I am getting stronger and I think your advice is what actually helped me to tell him he needed to move out and could not come back. Still, I am devastated and still continue to ask myself why he did not fall in love with me. I was the only one who went to see him in prison, I am the only one who wrote to him and I helped take care of his kids. In addition, he has lived here free for over a year while he was supposedly getting on his feet. I get attention from men and am told on a rather regular basis how attractive I am. I am not saying this to brag but am just trying to give you the whole picture. I have a good job working for a Fortune 100 company ... so, even though I am making progress, I continue to ask myself why he could not love me .... but the fact remains he doesn't ... and like so many of you have said, why do I want that anyway???? The pain right now is just so intense and so very real. I know I need to just live through the pain but it is going to be so difficult. My heart is just broken. I also feel like he is going to tell his sister and everyone we know (our families are very intertwined because of our kids, my long time friendship with his family, with his sister's husband before they even married ... just lots of connections)that I am "crazy" and just wanted more than he wanted. I am sure he will continue to tell everyone he was just not attracted to me. I feel so embarrassed while I am hurt. I just want to go in a hole and stay there for awhile. Like I said, I am getting stronger due in large part to your posts and the counseling I have started, but I am devastated, embarrassed, all of the above right now. Why do I even wonder why he did not want me????

June 23, 2007
2:36 pm
Avatar
AQueen
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This is blunt but so be it--Men do not need to find a woman attractive to fuck her, end of story. This man doesn't think you're attractive, has no respect for you, uses you, talks trash to you--COULD IT BE ANY MORE STRAIGHT FORWARD??? I'm sorry you are going through this. I urge you to seek counseling and be really open and honest with your therapist about your situation. You ask why wouldn't he love or like you when you've done all this stuff for him. Simple, just because you do stuff for him doesn't mean he has to do anything for you that includes love you or like you. You have to realize that not everyone we meet has the same morals or values we have. Just because we wouldn't dream of treating another human being the way they've treated us doesn't mean they feel the same way. Many men like that, ex con's with no future, kids, felonies, etc seek out women to TAKE CARE OF THEM!!! Why the hell wouldn't they? They can't afford the things they want in life without committing crime so in order to get what they want they find a new hustle, conning women. How do I know this? Let's just say I've had a lot of experiance with men and I've met all types and I know of men JUST LIKE your guy. I mean to the letter! THey've talked about this hustle with me. One of the guys is my cousin. I don't approve of him using innocent people so I don't speak with him anymore. The other guy is a friend of my ex. I've seen him burn through women, when one woman gets fed up he finds another. This started in prison. He was writing to ten different women getting money from each one of them. They all thought they were the only one and that they would be with him after he got released. He picked the one with the most to offer him as the one he would live with. Don't get it twisted, this is a hustle to them. Plain and simple. You were just one of his victims, sorry. Good news is you know it and you can and will move on!!! But seriously consider seeking some help so you can get to the bottom of why you settle for men like this in the first place. Another reason people don't give us the response we want when we do it all for them is they don't respect us because we don't respect ourselves. We give in to them all the time and have zero boundaries and they see that as weakness and they simply aren't attracted to weakness. Hope this helped.
AQueen

June 23, 2007
3:50 pm
Avatar
PL
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

bmom74- AQueens advice is blunt but true. I think you should tell him that you also have made a "bad judgement" in allowing him to stay so long and insist that he leaves.

If we were treating somebody in this way and they were allowing us to do so, what would we think of that person? would we respect them? would we feel the need to change our behaviour if they were accepting it.

You sound like you have a lot going for you (apart from your friend)good job, attractive etc. This man is going to be so sorry one day, because once you have freed yourself from him I am sure you are going to attract a decent man into your life and this friend will realise he has lost the best thing that has ever happened to him.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Any person who is aware of this situation will know that this man has everything to be embarrassed about as he has completely took advantage of your feelings and lived off you like a parasite.

Hope you continue to feel strong and hold your head up high.

June 23, 2007
7:33 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I hope you do not believe this VERY RUDE MAN. What an ungrateful, very unattractive, sh*t head he is. Im sorry this happened to you and that he said these very ugly untrue things. He obviously only thinks of himself and he is so insecure that is shows terrible. No secure man would ever dream of saying these thing to a real woman especially one like yourself. Take his a$$ and throw it out NOW. I know this hurts like the devil, like no other, very heartbroken lady but give it time, and it will go away. YOu will find your way and slowly but surely you will smile again and find peace. Kick his A$$ ON THE CURB. You will find relieve, hard at first but relief as he can no longer ever say anything as ugly as that. The unattractive person is not you, it is him and beauty is within, his beauty stinks to high heavens. There is no shame in your game for loving a man but honestly it is hard lesson to learn but give yourself credit, you gave it and this one just cannot be returned, thank goodness too. You will recover. Hang in there lady, your sun will shine again.

June 23, 2007
9:44 pm
Avatar
AQueen
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

That's just it--he won't realize what he lost one day. Other than kicking himself because he couldn't be a bit nicer to keep his meal ticket he won't have any regrets! That's how they are. He's viewing you as a trick, do you know what a trick is?
AQueen

June 23, 2007
9:56 pm
Avatar
bmom74
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

a trick as in a prostitute turning a trick or is there anothre definition??

June 23, 2007
11:36 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yeah I'd say in love with hthe wrong man. You are just right, remember that. You had it right the first time, the wrong man. I'd say you are headed for a better life, when you get rid of this wrong man. You could actually meet a Mr. Right, one that has qualities that you really really enjoy and know are better for you, and all that love is returned. But how else are you going to be open to that if you are stuck to this zero of a guy? The sooner you heal, the sooner you are at peace with yourself and then like attract like. You will attract something more peaceful.

June 24, 2007
10:00 am
Avatar
AQueen
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yes that is one version of the words meaning. The other is the female trick or another word is a jake. A trick is someone that will do anything for a man, give them money/free place to live/clothes/cars/anything of value. Here is a way the word is used.
That girl doesn't mean anything to me, she's just a trick.
A trick can never be respected because they have no boudaries and give give give. Any bull the guy comes up with she'll believe or even if she doesn't she'll give in because she's addicted to him. I'm codependent but I've never been a trick to a man. It's not a nice word and I feel this guy views you as a trick sweetie. Like he doesn't have to respect you, like you, love you, hell he can even tell you you're not attractive to him and you'll still keep coming back for more. I want you to understand that no matter what you do his view of your won't change. You could get plastic surgery, lose 100lbs, let a even better job, nothing will change. I usually don't like to share things about my past when I was using drugs but that's when I was really exposed to the other side of life. Men with felonies, prison was a way of life for many of them, men that had tricks supporting them, the list goes on and on. I felt I had to share the little bit of knowledge I had on the subject of low down dirty dogs. Where the heck did you meet this guy? Just curious. It seems you guys are from two different worlds.
AQueen

June 24, 2007
10:58 am
Avatar
bmom74
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks for all the advice. Aqueen, I appreciate the definition. As you can probably guess, I didn't know that or really that this was a way of life for these guys. As far as how I got to know him, before he went into prison his son and my son met in school and became friends so, at first, he was just another parent I knew. He has three children and often came by to eat dinner, visit, etc. I became very good friends with his family including his sister. To make it even more complicated, his sister was divorced when I first met her and ended up marrying a very close friend of mine ... also the parent of one of my son's friends. At the time we met my roommate had been arrested but not tried yet. I then got to know all his other brothers and sisters. They are a very nice family. He is the odd one. I am always invited to holiday gatherings, to birthday celebrations, etc. We are pretty much extended family to be honest and I am often referred to by his sisters as family. Also, just to give you an even bigger picture, I am a person who has lots of friends. I enjoy people and enjoy being kind to them. I am one of those people who always has m ore in my home that just my family it seems! Even before I met him and I enjoy this. Bottom line is my current roommate fell into that category of people coming by, eating dinner, etc. That is how it started out. Even before he went in, we were just friends. It was during the time he was in that I fell in love with him. I was on his assigned list of people to call and the only people he called were his sister and me. I talked to him probably 3-4 times per week. Even tho he is very close to his sister, she never took his kids to see him. I felt it was important they see their dad. His sister has his three kids while he was in there and I took those three kids probably twice a month for the entire weekend just to give them a break. His kids are very attached to me. Anyway, his sister has nine kids living with her between her and her new husband so when my roommate got out, he asked if he could live with me. So, I am sorry to be so wordy, just trying to give you some background. My friends have been against him living with me since day one. I have gotten almost constant lectures from them the past year about how much he is using me, how he is taking advantage of a free ride, etc. I have always thought I knew his heart and they were wrong. There is a part of his heart that is very sensitive and I love that part but the other side of him is cold as hell. In addition, literally tons of friends and family have helped me through my breast cancer and I thought it was time to give back so I said he could live here free but that was over a year ago. Since our argument on Friday night, he has called my adult daughter and asked her to "smooth things over" and told her he still wants to be friends with me. I do not want him for my friend. I just cannot do it and get over this. I need a clean break. It is tough because, as I explained, our lives are so entertwined. I know what Taj64 and you are saying ... I must get rid of him. I am prepared to go ahead with that but how do you get through the pain?? Okay, logically, I know it is possible to get through it, but it hurts like hell. It is almost overwhelming. I have spent the majority of the last 24 hours crying. How can this be? I recently went out with a guy who owned his own business, was a great Dad and really wanted to get to know me better and told me he thought we could have a future together. Did I pursue this?? No, because of my roommate.. he is the one who has my heart. I am 54 years old and have never had my heart broken like this. I did go to the library yesterday and started reading Women Who Love Too Much ... wow, do I ever fit this!! My Mom was very jealous and competitive with me and it sounds like this could be the issue I need to work on. In the meantime, for a strong woman, I am almost incapacitated by this. How did you guys get through it??

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
31
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110978
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714262
Newest Members:
brianwolfe, swright, nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information