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New to site ... in love with the wrong man
May 30, 2007
11:21 am
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bmom74
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Hi everyone. I am new to the site so hope I approach this correctly when submitting this thread.

I have been in love for the last two years with a guy who has always maintained we are just friends. Like others I have read about here, I have always thought if I waited long enough he would change. Last year he moved in with me supposedly just long enough until he could find a new place. Well, it has been over a year now and he is still there. We sleep in separate bedrooms. We are intimate from time to time but only when he initiates it. Then it is only on his terms and nothing much for me but I just cling on hoping things will change. I go to all of his family functions with him, take care of his kids when he is at work, he tells everyone I am his best friend, etc. I also pay all of the bills for the house. He only pays his own personal bills. I know this is really stupid. Again, I thought maybe he would love me if I were just good enough to him. He tells me he loves me frequently but never says he is "in love with me" and even after he says that, he continues to sleep in a separate room. My friends have constantly told me to get him out of my house. I know they are right but I am afraid I will lose him altogether. He is in his 40's and never married although he does have children with women and is very active with those children. As far as I know, he does not see anyone else but I do get the "gut feeling" that he is lying about seeing someone from time to time. While I say that, I must also say if he is not at work, he is home with me 98% of the time. I so very much want to get strong and get over this relationship but my heart is still holding on. I just started counseling.

May 30, 2007
2:19 pm
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taj64
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Yes I have to say your friends are truly your friends as they can see what is happening. Why do you want to settle for a man who doesnt want commitment or to be with you as a partner? What can you lose if you do not really have him as a true partner anyway? He sleeps with you but only on his terms. Everything looks like it is on his terms and a true relationship is about sharing lives and also compromising. It does not matter that he is home 98 % of the time, what good is 98% if he is not "into" you. It looks like you are doing all the work in the relationship and for what to get not much in return but an ocassional love you babe. Love is loose here. You can love a friend and a neighbor too. If you want to get strong, sometimes letting go allows you to get strong. Staying in it, only prolongs the inevitable and keeps you hurting over having a relationship that is never going to go anywhere but the way it is. He has it made with you as he is freeloading in my opinion so why would he suggests doing anything different. You do deserve better than this. He doesnt want a commitment. He is using and that does not feel good does it? You deserve good and feel good about who you are with. This guy is draining you and taking your soul with him so take the focus off him and find who you are.

May 30, 2007
2:41 pm
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fantas
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bmom...Welcome to the site. Taj is right. He is using you and you are letting him. He is "a friend with benefits". Basically he has no reason to ever change because he has everything he wants. Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free? I think the bigger issues is see is your self-worth issue. With myself, I found that I kept repeating the scenario with different men until I worked on myself and came to understand my self worth. In your perception, why has this been okay with you all this time, even if he tells you that he thinks of you as a friend? What do you think would happen if he saw you with a boyfriend? Do you think he's be jealous? If indeed this is the guy you want, I'd say right off the bat that you are too available to him. Make it difficult for you him to access you. Then he might begin to see how life would be without you it. A friend of mine left her "friend" and went travelling for 6 months. When she was away her "friend" missed her so much. They were married for 2 months after she got back and she just had her baby. Before she left, they had been friends for 3 years. All the best. Keep posting.

May 30, 2007
3:24 pm
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bmom74
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Thanks to both of you for the responses. You are both so right. I just wish I could get where I see that. It is just so very painful to me, by far the most painful relationship I have ever been in ... so why do I stay in it?? I wish I could get a grip on the answer. My friends tell me I have gone from a relatively confident and happy person to a depressed and very insecure person. You are right, Fantas, self-worth is a definite issue here.. although this is not totally due to this relationship. It has always been an issue for me. With the exception of my ex husband, I have always chosen the wrong man. However, this particular relationship would be among one of the worst I have had if not the worse. I realize after seeing a counselor a few times that I am codependent. . I am going to really work on these issues beginning the next time I see her. I am getting better, much better than I was say six months ago, but it is baby steps to say the least. This person also does not have particularly high values in life and this is much different than my basic philosophies as well. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and not love him anymore. Yes, he has bee jealous before when other guys have been around but I just don't do that very often so I think he assumes he is "safe" from me being gone with anyone else for any length of time. Typically, after he knows I have had a date, he becomes very sweet and attentive... just long enough to suck me in I think. I also know when I am gone alot, yes, he does miss me ... but this still does not make it real love does it?? Gosh, I am so glad I found this forum. What a great group! Oh ... one more thing, I had a recurrence of breast cancer last fall and have been going through reconstruction. I am still not completely done so do not feel too good about how I look physically so maybe that has something to do with how I have allowed myself to get so involved in this particular relationship. Thanks again.

May 30, 2007
4:15 pm
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taj64
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I used to be in a relationship like this but he was not living with me. I did things against my own judgment against what I believe in. Jealousy also became an issue. He could not give me what I wanted, he was unavailable, yet he would be jealous and this would keep me further entangled and hold on to him more. I saw it as a sign that he cared but really it was about his insecurity. I learned a test of what really love is and this was not it. I think you know in your head that the answer is very clear yet it is one of the most painful and hardest decision but in the end you need to look at the best interest of yourself and learn to love yourself. Your disability that you have now is not a reflection of who you are, it is part but not the whole. Very few of us are perfect looking. My ex once called me the trophy wife, as I was his side chick that he liked to be around but in the end looks did not get me, nor did my personality. He did what was best for himself. That is what your guy is doing right now, looking out for himself. I went through the wringer with that guy, time and space helped me out, writing out sometimes helped, helping others helped me. But mostly time and distance is often the only answers in recovering from a broken heart. It helps to heal it. I'd be careful though not to get better for anyone but yourself. Deep down you know you deserve better, no matter what some of your body parts look like. There is a man out there that won't care and will like you just the way you are, commit to you 100 percent and won't give you this push and pull game, take a piece of you this way. Plus choosing the wrong man might seem like it but really it is all about experiences and you just get through one, learn it and go to the next and so on. Learning about what you want and need also helps you to make better choices and also steer clear quicker from guys you know might be wrong for you. Hang in there, it does get better but it is all a process but worth it as long as you focus on yourself.

May 30, 2007
4:30 pm
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bmom74
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Thanks again, Taj for the great post. It is funny you said he thought of you as a trophy wife. I am told by so many people how pretty I am, how much I have going for me, yada, yada, but like you, in the end that does not get me anywhere in this particular case. Instead he seems to prefer women who have had kind of a rough life and questionable past (sort of like his) and really are not so attractive to be real candid. Believe me, I am not trying to be judgmental or put anyone down at all, but it is odd to me that he would gravitate towards women like that but continue to push me out. I have a good job, am in good shape (with the exception of the medical issues I am having), have lots of friends ... you know, all the stuff I am sure you have and thought your ex would want. Instead, he seems to go for the exact opposite. I am so ready to focus on myself and get to where I know I am happy and, yes, what I want out of life. I have spent the last two years trying to figure out what I can do different to make him love me more. If I may ask, what was your family life like growing up?? Do you think this had anything to do with the ex you chose??

May 30, 2007
4:53 pm
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taj64
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I had a bit of dysfunctional family life. It was not all bad but we had rough times. Also my parents were not home a lot, I was probably emotionally neglected and that is the reason I seem to attract the runaway guy or the part time guy. Now I make it about me and trying to learn to like the way life is. I would like to date again but know i am not ready just yet.

you can never make a guy love you no matter how much you try. And the other is that you know you have the wrong guy when you have to constantly try to figure them out. I know the right guy for you, it will be easy, you will know, you won't have to search, and do for, it just is. The guy will go out of his way to win you, nothing stops him and none of it is done to out of guilt. He does it because he truly does want to be with you. You don't feel pain when a guy loves you and wants to be with you.

May 30, 2007
5:25 pm
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bmom74
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Thanks again, Taj. Have you been through counseling then?? How long has it taken you to get as far as you have?? Another thing I really struggle with is this insane jealousy worrying about him talking to other women, being attracted to other women, worried he will get with another women, etc. It is frankly almost dibilitating. Did you ever experience this?? The wierd thing about it is that I typically am not jealous of other women when I have been with other guys or with my ex husband. I just hate how the jealousy literally feels like it is eating away at me inside.

May 30, 2007
7:06 pm
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taj64
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Extreme jealousy is not a healthy sign because you are not in an exclusive relationship. My ex who decided to stay where he was, I tried to understand but I too was jealous and I had not ever experience that kind of jealousy. For a long time, I was angry and felt horrible. No I did not go through counseling. I probably should have. I went to a work counselor a few times and that seemed to help. I found this site accidently. For me it was better than any counselor. It has not been easy for me but I am doing better and I have a better outlook. I still have a ways to go but it is better than being in a relationship that was never going anywhere. He simply could not and realistically did not want to be with me. I had to let go, I had no choice. I think it is normal to be jealous etc in the beginning. Even though he will move on, so will you. Hearing your story, I do not think this is a good outcome for you as far as your wanting this guy to settle down with. Plus you already live with him and you know what he is like, there is no changing. I read a lot of books and many of them were depressing to read yet they were the truth. I would try to seek out reading some book and also counseling. As far as time table, everyone has their own time to get over someone. I know for me it was a very long process. I struggled deeply. I still struggle sometimes. I still think about him everyday and a part of me wishes he would change his mind but I know that won't happen. We ended not in a good way but we also had some contact and time has allowed us to be able to forgive each other and go on and let go of hardness. We cannot ever talk again or be personal but we have an understanding that we have memories that were good and focus on that and not as much as the negative. But we also will never start up again, and while that is good, it is also sad at the same time. I hope you know that you can be strong again, it will take time.

May 31, 2007
12:04 am
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Hi bmom74 - Welcome to this site. I used to post on here all the time a while back when I was having some major codependency problems letting go of my bfriend. This site was such a help to me. I will always be grateful for all the advice and support I received here. Keep posting and I'm sure you will get through this. The help on here is incredible. Good luck to you!

Hi Taj....don't know if you remember me, but I just wanted to say that I think your compassion, insight into people's issues are as great as ever. I know I used to get a lot of comfort and good advice from you with my problem and I know you'll be a big help to bmom74 too. Hope we can chat sometime 🙂

May 31, 2007
12:52 pm
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bmom74
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Thanks for all of the great feedback. You are right Hurts_so_Bad ... it really helps. Last night was very nice as he was back to his charming and nice behavior. It is so difficult because when he is like that, I almost feel more in love with him. I am trying so hard to remember it never lasts.

May 31, 2007
2:08 pm
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Read the thread "but I'm sooooooooooo nice......" it's at the end of the index. We have to set boundaries, boundaries are healthy limits of we will and will not tolerate in our lives. Boundaries help us respect ourselves and they help others to respect us as well. When we are too nice and do everything for a man he doesn't respect us, he just doesn't. This man sounds unhealthy so you cannot expect healthy behavior from a unhealthy irrational man. You said he's attracted to rough edgy women that have lived a life of hard knocks like himself. Well that's what he knows and is comfortable with. That's what he finds attractive I guess. Why? Why doesn't he want a healthy well rounded woman, well probably because he's unhealthy and he seeks out what he knows and is comfortable with. Has this man been in trouble with the law or used drugs or alcohol? The book Codependent No More and the book Boundaries are excellent for us codependents. They are the book a lot of us really try to live by, it's a intro to codependency and the book really helps you understand what it means to be codependent. This guy is using you. You are letting him live rent free, you watch his children, you do do do for this man. You are doing too much and he see's you as a sucker. These guys are so much alike, so much that at times I feel we're all dating the same man!!! I've been where you are at as far the financial support thing. I supported my ex for 5 years! We were exclusive and have a child together but I didn't require him to pull his own weight and for that I was allowing him to use me. There are so many forms of control and abuse. Did you a know a form of abuse is to withdrawal and not have sex with their partner, to control when they sleep together? He is controlling and abusive. You're in the right place. Have you tried a Codependents Anonymous meeting? Try one or two or three until you find one you fit in at.
AQueen

May 31, 2007
2:51 pm
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Hi bmom74- I think my code name says it all for you. You are sort of blind now and you need to see what is really going on here. I say sort of because I was you and some part of me always know on some level that I deserved better. I lived with the man I married first, supported him through Med. School, and even into his military career. He too had a child with another woman whom he did not marry. I supplied the apartment and all the furniture in it, on my teacher's salary paid the bills, (all of them), and yes after a while he married me. And for the next 23 years, I worked in a relationship to prove to him that I was worthy of his love and care. Oh. he took all I had to give because I was always focused on him. But it was the giving back that he had problems with. And I was convienced that if I hung in there he would come around sooner or later. Sometimes it was wonderful, but most of the time it was a living hell, but by then I had convinced myself that I had to stay because of our 3 kids. He stayed until he got all that I had to give, or until he go tired and then he left the family for another woman who had more to give than me. and at 51 years of age, I am just finding out that I am a codependent. Ain't that a kick in the head!
If I had it to do all over again, I'd choose differently. But that's just it isn't it. In life, there are no do-overs.
Iam saying all this to say value yourself enough to get out now! You too are a codependent! It might get better, but it will never be good enough. YES it will be hard to leave, and YES, you will miss him, but what you've got to find out is why do you think you need him? Why don't you think you deserve better treatment from the person who says he loves you. I challegen you to look in the mirror each day and say to yourself, "I'm worthy of better" and mean it. It's what I having to do. Good luck to ya kid-o

May 31, 2007
3:27 pm
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Thanks, AQueen. I went back and read that posting you recommended. Boy, is this ever me! I have done everything for him the past year or so with the idea he eventually would appreciate me and want me. He is very much a coercer (sp?) and charms me to bend my boundaries. This is what made it tough for me to spot I think. At first, I always thought he was truly sorry for his actions. Now I know it has just been a manipulation. And, yes, he does control when we have sex together. He even controls how far the sex goes. That really hurts me sometimes. I have not been to a meeting but would like to. I will look to see what I can find in my area although it may have to be an online meeting. Thanks again. I am so glad I found this website. I can tell I am feeling stronger already but I have a long, long way to go. I cannot get discouraged.

May 31, 2007
3:32 pm
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Hi, Iseesaidtheblindman. Dont feel bad that at 51 you are just now finding out your are codependent. I am 56 and just finding out! With the exception of my ex husband who was a pretty decent guy I just got tired of, I have always picked wrong men. I never really stopped to evaluate the reason why. I just always chalked it up to bad luck. Now, at the young age of 56, I am finding there is a reason for this. You are right. I so need to find out why I think I need him so much. When people ask me my answer is always "I don't know" because I truly don't. Like others have said, in my mind, I think I know I deserve better and certainly everyone around me tells me that over and over, but here I am, still living with him. I am so anxious to get more into therapy and meetings and get better. This relationship with him has been, as I think I said before, almost debilitating to me. I really and truly am tired of feeling like this so maybe this means I am ready. Again, I keep saying this ... but it is so true, I am so thankful I found this website.

June 18, 2007
3:33 pm
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PL
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June 18, 2007
3:58 pm
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PL
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Hi, I'm new to this site and in a very similar situation to bmom74. I too have been in love with someone for almost two years who maintains that we are friends. I have always hoped for more commitment from him but was always told that this was difficult to give as he has children with somebody else (and he feared their mother would make acess difficult if she discovered he had a new partner).

I have always tried to be understanding of his situation. but reached a point a couple of months ago when I thought enough is enough and gave him an ultimatum. We either gives me a proper relationship or the relationship would end on all levels (he has always stated that he wants to remain friends no matter what). He told me he couldn't give me the type of relationship I needed and wanted but still wanted me in his life as a FRIEND. This hurt deeply and I was adamant that I would not contact him anymore in order for me to get over him.

I could not maintain no contact and neither could he. He continued to telephone me and also presumed that we would still be intimate together (something that I foolishly succumed to on a couple of occasions)But I have recently decided to be strong and realised that nothing will change unless I make it.

I have decided to leave the country for a couple of months and let him see what life without me will be like. I have always been there for him no matter what and I want to make him see what his life will be like without me in it. I have told him about my decision and he seemed to be sad about it (but would never admit this). He has become distant and seems a little off hand with me when we talk.

It may make no difference at all to him or it may make him appreciate what he had. One way or another I am hoping that my absence will help me move on with my life. I was inspired by fantas thread about the friend who went travelling for 6 months. I read somewhere recently that not to make a decision is the same as deciding that everything shall remain the same.

June 18, 2007
4:32 pm
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taj64
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Time and distance is the key to overcoming a relationship with someone who you know doesn't want the commitmment. Time also allows you to get to know yourself better. Utlimately there are always reasons why a guy cannot commit but if the guy really did want to commit, nothing really stands in his way. It does take about six months of no contact to get perspective either which way you decide. But in reading your post, the guy simply doesn't want an exclusive relationship. He wants his cake and eat it too. If he was truly a friend he would have let you go and not be so selfish. Also you have a choice too as to be friends remember that. It does not appear that the friendship would truly work as you would also be hoping he would change his mind. I'd get away alright but I would not be doing it so that he will see the light. He already has told you what he wants out of this relationship so why settle? I truly believe listen to the guy the first time in what he says because it is what it is. Feelings for a person aren't going to make it different. The best thing you can do is work on yourself, take the focus off him and treat yourself better. Getting stronger will also help you in finding what you really want and what you deserve, not some guy who gives excuses. You deserve way better than this.

June 18, 2007
6:24 pm
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PL
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Thanks for the advice, my friends have all said the same but seeing it there in black and white really hits home. You are right he does want to have his cake and eat it. I know that if he did truly want to commit than nothing would stand in his way. I also know that I would never treat a friend the way he has treated me and deep down I know he doesn't deserve my friendship but cannot imagine my life without him in it.

I have tried no contact but find it really hard, its funny but when I do manage it for a while it is then that I get the response from him that I want. Its as if he panics when he thinks I'm not there waiting on the side lines for him.

I'm trying to focus on myself, but after two years of obsessing about him I find it difficult not to think about him and analyze everything all the time. I'm hoping my trip away will make me see things differently and help me to become stronger. Again thanks for the advice it really does help to get someone elses perspective on it.

June 18, 2007
6:59 pm
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PL,
I have recently been trying to get over a man myself. We broke up over two weeks ago but he came back and I took him back. I love him, what can I say? I am, though, using the advice I got from He's Just Not That Into You, Why Men Love Bitches, Don't Call That Man, and It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken. Try these at least some of it will make you laugh. Hange in there and do what is right for you. You are lucky to have the option to leave the country for a few months. Have fun.

Bitsy

June 18, 2007
9:00 pm
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taj64
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What you do not want is a push/pull man. If you let him go of course he want to reel you back. It is that competitive nature of a man. I too read that book, he is just not that into you. I wish I had read that book before I met my ex. But ultimately you know deep down where you stand, you just don't want to accept it. It is hard, it is no joke. But when a guys really wants to be with you, you know it, or else you are in not here asking. Just keep looking out for yourself. And be happy alone then sitting on the side lines. I see all these women settling for men out of not being able to handle it alone. You are better off alone and happy then to settle for less. Get to know the guy, spend time with him, and if he isn't into you, then just let it go. Find someone who is.

June 19, 2007
7:12 am
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PL
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Thanks for the response bitsy and taj64. "Hes just not that into you" has been suggested to me before so maybe its time to download it. I'm sitting here and am so tempted to call him but no it will be a big mistake. I know I have to accept that this is never going to be what I want it to be and am prolonging the pain by staying in contact.

I find having no contact with him really hard. Has anybody got any strategies that make no contact easier?

June 19, 2007
10:47 am
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I made contact with my ex many many times. IT gets easier with time if you just don't do it. He would have been long gone from my heart if I had just not made it. He has moved on though I know a part of him wishes he could just call to talk but what is the point in keep going back if you set yourself up this way. The draw will be there for sometime. It is like a physical addiction so the agonizing part of wanting to call is a lot like a alchohilic wanting a drink. It is simply a fix but once you make that call, it is not going to change anything. It is only going to make things worse for you. It will feel good for a second or a day or so but you will be back to where you started. The longer you go, the better it gets. Don't waste your time to call him. He might be ok with it but you will not. It is not good for self esteem to be dragging something out that is not going anywhere. I have done this so many times. I just keep my time much shorter when I feel a guy is not interested. I get disappointed sometimes but why stick around to see what happen sometimes. Life is about learning and sometimes learn it quickly. I do not know what else to say except I know how hard it is. It is overpowering to want to call this person. Lots of self talk might help. Weigh out the consequences. I'd say you're just going to get depressed even more if you do make that call. Put a rubberband on your wrist and snap it hard when you get that urge. Know that if you do call, you are likely to face huge rejection and huge hurt. Don't hurt yourself this way.

June 19, 2007
12:38 pm
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PL
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I actually have a rubbber band on my wrist as I am reading this!!! I have just snapped it.

You are so right that its like an addiction. Once I have spoken to him I feel better for a short while but then begin to feel like I have set myself right back. I also find that once I have spoken to him I get a huge knot of anxiety in my stomach. The call doesn't change anything it just intensifies my feelings of hurt and anxiety, yet I continue to call him. why?

June 19, 2007
12:45 pm
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Cause you are addicted to the emotional pains. Addicted to the highs and lows of talking with him.

Good luck.
x

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