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New Relationship. I Need Advice.
February 20, 2007
6:42 pm
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ShortCake
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I am currently dating my old high school sweetheart. The history between us was built during an 18 month high school, teenage relationship. We broke up due to normal teenage drama and then 10 years later are giving it another chance. We are both approaching our 30th birthdays.

We started dating on January 19th, our first date was amazing. So many things to talk about and him trying so hard to impress me. Then we started an intense dating cycle for 3 weeks. We spent Superbowl weekend together laughing and having a blast. Things seemed perfect. When we returned from the weekend he sent me a cute saying “I don’t want to scare you off but I am getting out of a 3 year relationship and its been really hard”. I freaked!!! A few days went by and I could feel him pulling away. I then called him up one night all dramatic like and got upset at him. He said, he did not agree with why I was upset but he told me he was happy that I felt comfortable enough to talk to him and express my thoughts. During the next few weeks I could feel him pulling away and coming back. Kinda like a rubberband affect. Its like he is 100% into me at times and then the more distance he gets during the week he seems to pull away. These are the times I get really insecure.

Last weekend was great! We had a blast. We spent Friday together and Saturday. Then on Saturday night he had a boys night out with his friends. I hung out with my girls. It was a great mixture of dating and girl time!

However, I seem to panic when he pulls away. For example; he has not called me lately and I seem to be putting out the effort. I seem to text first and call.

Could he be getting comfortable in this relationship already? We do relax around one another since we seem to have a great connection from our past.

Part of me thinks my insecurities come from not knowing what we are… We have been sleeping together and that step always makes me insecure and nervous. I want to know where we stand relationship wise. But I am nervous to ask since he is fresh out of a relationship and I don’t want to put a huge amount of pressure on him. Is it to soon to ask where this relationship is going? Should I bring up the boyfriend / girlfriend talk? Or should I just relax and realize this all so new and give it more time. I don’t want to scare him off.

Overall, he treats me good and makes me feel like princess when we are together. He talks about our past like its been a huge part of his life. He clearly has thought about me over the years. When we are together its like times stops! When we are apart I get all obsessive and wonder if he is going to call or text me. I get insecure. He see’s that part of me and I have told him I get nervous in relationships. He seems okay with it at times, but I don’t want to come across all intense and nutty… I don’t want to ruin something that might be worth my energy and time…

Any thoughts would be great!

February 20, 2007
6:52 pm
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student1
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You seem to know pretty well whats going on. You are insecure. I have been in a relationship for 7 years. I think sometimes to myself that if we were to ever break up I would not want to jump into another relationship. He is probably feeling the same way. The rubberband effect seems that he is fighting freedom vs. relationship. One of the things he is probably most unattracked to is the fact that he might be getting involved with a needy woman.
-do not jump into the deep end first.
get your feet wet and enjoy yourself. If it's a long term thing then you have the rest of your lives to grow closer.

February 20, 2007
6:56 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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student1 has good advice. think of him as the dessert in your life. have plenty of good activities going on and then when it's time to be with him go for it.

February 20, 2007
7:25 pm
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ShortCake
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Thanks! I guess I need to learn to have more faith in myself.

Does anyone have advice on when a person should ask about the relationsip status??

February 20, 2007
7:47 pm
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student1
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You don't. People who are enjoying a great relationship should never have to discuss the status of it, because they are to busy in it.
You are already in a relationship, you are happy right? He has already said he is comfertable how it is, and he is not ready to get serious because of his recent break up.
Respect his feelings.
If the relationship is real things will flow naturally.
Belive in yourself, he obviously still has a candle lit for you.
You know, here is what I tell my friends.
"Hold you hand out, palm up. Imagine that your boyfriend is tiny enough to be standing on the palm of your hand and you are looking at him and you love him. Okay... Imagine that you love him so much that you close your hand into a tight fist and think about how he would react.......he would desperatly try to get out. BUT.....if you keep your hand open and allow him to be free then he will cling to you afraid to fall away from you."
I hope that makes sense, it's harder to type it then to say it and demonstrate it to my friends.
-student1

February 20, 2007
7:50 pm
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ShortCake
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Student1

Thanks... That makes sense. I find my insecurities come into play in relationships. Otherwise I am very secure in myself. I guess I need to remember that saying you wrote. Its very helpful since I can imagine you holding you hand out... Your right things will just fall into place. I need to enjoy what I have and focus on the good. Not the what if's... What if's are thoughts that get out of control...

Thanks so much!

February 20, 2007
7:52 pm
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student1
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Your welcome! Tell me more about him.

February 20, 2007
8:03 pm
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ShortCake
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I remember him and I in high school, but its been over 10 years. His memories are so amazing. He introduces me to all his friends. He is super cuddly, which is nice!!! I normally like my space when I sleep but its different with him. He cares about my feelings and makes me laugh. He Opens my door, pays for the dates, walks next to the road when we are on sidewalks... he does some of the old fashion things I like... This is something new to me. He did not do this 10 years ago and I have never dated someone who seems to make me feel protected.

On the other hand he is very quiet and keeps his thoughts inside. I am very outgoing and say everything I am thinking.... He likes lowered cars, I liked raised trucks. He is a vegitarian and is trying to get me to be one too... its cute!!! We joke about our differences, but he said that is what makes us fun and unique. He makes me laugh and I feel like I've known him for 10 years. Its fun getting to know him all over again.

I think since I am not use to relationships I don't understand the process. When I was 23 a exbf stalked me and I stopped dating all together. A year ago I started dating again and found myself lost, confused and panic easily. I have dated two guys who were perfect cases for a codependent. I found this website last August and its be great. I find myself healther then I have ever been... until I felt him pull away, the panic and old codependent issues came rushing back. I need to remember guys are different and don't focus on relationships 24/7. I need to remember I have my own life and being a strong independent person is one of the reasons he is attracted to me. I loved your saying above. Its clear and to the point. No reason to rush things. If things are meant to be they will work themselves out.

This feels really great writing this down... Thanks for reading!

February 20, 2007
8:15 pm
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student1
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Wow...he sounds great! Lucky you!
You comlement eachother, sounds like you are perfect for eachother. My husband was my best friend when we were younger. dating him was one of the weirdest things for me. It worked out and we are still together. Our past gave us a strong foundation for overcoming all that we have in our marrige. Well, he is home now...I will catch up with you tomorrow.
-student1

February 20, 2007
8:44 pm
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ShortCake
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student1

I loved hearing your story. I guess having a history together is good. Its something to build upon. Its so nice to hear things have worked out for you two throughout the years. Thanks for sharing. That makes me feel good inside. Have a great night!

February 20, 2007
9:10 pm
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ShortCake
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Student1 -

I read your thread on "My life - like nothing you have ever heard". It was amazing. You offer great insight and advice. You share your life and struggles. I am so happy for you and your family. You have been through so much and your working on finding your own personal happiness. I look forward to reading more and sharing more with you. This site is a perfect place to share and grow within ourselves!

February 20, 2007
9:19 pm
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Honolulugal
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I think you are doing just fine, ShortCake! Just try to take a step back and breathe a bit. You are giving yourself very good advice...now just take it!

H-gal

February 21, 2007
9:40 am
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atalose
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Student1 could not have given you better advise. The palm story is great and so true.

You sound like you have an emotional connection and sleeping with him hightens that connection. You are wanting reassurance that it's going to work out and last but that's not something you can expect after dating someone for only a month.

It all sounds good, let it take it's natural flow and dont push for those words of being a "couple" that you realy want him to say.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 21, 2007
12:36 pm
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ShortCake
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Yes, all the comments on here have helped a lot. I see that its exactly like atalose wrote - I am wanting reassurance that things will work out... but yes its been a short period of time. If need to remind myself of that.

He treats me good and we are having a great time. I need to stop and enjoy what I have right now! Relationships develope in their own time.

Thanks everyone for all you support and help!

February 21, 2007
1:11 pm
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lettingo
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You say you are sleeping with him but don't want to clarify your relationship because you don't want to put pressure on him. I think if you are sleeping with someone you have a right to have that talk. I can only say for me, I cannot "casually" sleep with someone. Once that enters the picture I want to feel safe and secure and know what I'm in for. I just got out of a relationship because I was getting alot of mixed messages and I just couldn't stand being unfortable. I had only sleep with this guy once and that was enough to trip me up when he didn't call or became distant.

February 21, 2007
1:31 pm
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doubleloss
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dear shortcake. there is a fab book that would help you a lot:
"Why Men Love Bitches" or the next one "Why Men Marry Bitches". I was put off by the title BUT it has excellent advise and they refer to Bitches as Babe In Total Control of Herself, so is a positive thing. good luck!

February 21, 2007
1:50 pm
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Honolulugal
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Hah Double!

I've heard of that book...sounds good.

You know, Lettingo, you are right. If it's out of our comfort zone it can drive you nuts. I had a 3 month affair with the Chef and I was driven to distraction by his busy schedule and not making time for me. Once I left the island and stepped back at Xmas, I realized he had nothing to offer me, although I really enjoyed his company. It was a dead end, but I didn't know til I tried it!

H.

February 21, 2007
2:30 pm
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lettingo
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Honolulugal
Sound exactly like me!!! My relationship was a little less than 3 months and as soon as I started getting cancellations and mixed messages, I went into obsession mode, panic, fear you know all those emotions that come along with abandoment and rejection. For me it all meant RUN! I am still in the middle of a divorce so I decided that I need to end it and be friends. As soon as I did that he wanted me but like you, once I stepped away I thought THANK GOD I listened to my instincts. I was sad at first but got over it quickly and was able to see clearly that this person was not healthy and would have defintely been a dead end relationship. For now I focus on getting through my divorce and really dealing with those emotions instead of finding another distraction.

February 22, 2007
12:49 am
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truthBtold
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Shortcake,

I agree with lettingo's 1st message of 2-21-07.

Once you sleep with a guy - that sets another whole kind of standard.

You have a RIGHT to know where the relationship stands.

(This is why - if I ever get the chance to do it all over again - I will NEVER sleep with man until I KNOW EXACTLY what the realtionship entails. (Hindsight is 20/20.)

Don't mean to throw a damper on this.

I just hate all of the wondering about this or wondering about that......

I just might turn out to be OK - then again - it might not.

If ONLY I had listened to my mother and grandmother about sleeping with men and the respect that you can lose.

Was NOT the outdated advice I once thought that it was.

I truly hope that I am wrong in your case.

But please do bear it in mind. I don't care if it is the 1850's or 1950's or 2007 - men can basically be all the same. If you "put out" too soon and too easily - you won't gain their respect.

I know. I have many, MANY regrets.

I sincerely hope that your situation is different - and it well may be.

February 22, 2007
1:01 am
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ShortCake
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Thanks again everyone.

Yes, I don't normally sleep with people on a casual basis... I think things with him seemed so natural because he is a old boyfriend from the past. We had a 18 month relationship. So there was a comfort lever. However, once I crossed that line is when I started getting all worried and nervous.

Last night he told me how wonderful I am, he gave me some great compliments and said he has never stopped thinking about me over the years.... I think that little bit of reassurance is what I needed. I never asked for it or hinted it... He just came out and gave it to me.

I am going to continue to take a deep breath and enjoy were I am at. I don't want to rush thing to fast for him or myself. I sometimes get ahead of myself and maybe just letting things take a natural turn will be the best.

Again, thanks everyone! Plus that book about why men love bitches... I have heard that is a great book. I will check into that... I am getting ready to start a new book. Maybe that will be the one!

Have a great night!

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