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New Relationship Doubts . . .
February 4, 2007
3:26 am
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Slowly Learning
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I have a situation that I really don't know what to think and have been having problems trying to figure out.

I'm codependent and have been out of relationships for a bit .. concentrating on my own life and getting it together. My last codependent relationship was with my ex whom I was with for 18 years and have been out of any serious relationships for over 2 years now.

Someone has entered my life in the past 2 months and I don't know if I was even looking for a relationship of any kind as I was just minding my own business volunteering for a local organization when we met. Since we first met, there has been a kind of positive energy and connection between us. Besides doing our volunteer work together we have also went out for coffee a couple of times together.

He's in recovery himself.. and because of this it causes me to have 'red flags' and I don't know what to think... do I go with it and explore him and our possibilities of having a relationship or do I walk away because of the red flags?

It has taken me more than 2 long years to get my life where it is at and I'm feeling pretty comfortable, happy and content about it. Because I've done this all on my own.. the loneliness can just about drive my crazy sometimes but I've made it through.

In the past 2+ years I've met several other guys who I could possibly have got into a relationship with and have chosen to walk away and do my own thing. I seen the red flags.. addictions, the craziness, the drama, their wanting all of the attention to be on them, not allowing me to feel wanted in their lives, etc.

I recently re-read Melodie Beattie's Codependent No More book ... just because I thought I could find some answers in it.. or at least allow myself to be at peace with this new relationship. I wanted more knowledge and went out and bought her next book, "Beyond Codepency" and read it within 2 nights and found a lot of useful information.

I am indeed being very cautious about this new guy cause the heck if I'm falling into the co-dependent full throttle again and losing myself again!

More on this new guy, he's bright, great sense of humour, we are very playful in a friendly way together, enjoy spending time together, etc. However, we have set the boundary that we are 'just friends' even though we have had conversations about there being more between us. Since that boundary setting he has continued and stepped up on his inuendo toward me... calling me romantic nicknames, hugging me, kissing me on the cheek, commenting about my body, etc. and I find this all really confusing cause I don't think that 'friends' should act like that. I have asked him whether he is like that to other people and more specifically to other women he hangs around with and his answer was 'no I'm only like this with you'.

Are the boundaries between us weak that this continues or is he really wanting more to happen between us?

Any opinions?

February 4, 2007
9:25 am
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Tiger Trainer
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Is going on dates with other women? does he visit them? YOu must have been able to communicate very well with each other to set those boundaries in the first place (that's greta) maybe it's time to tell him how confused you are.

February 4, 2007
10:05 am
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balancesekr
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hi Slowly Learning,
I dig your name! I too am slowly learning. And right now I am doing an exercise in a book called he's scared, she's scared. It is a series of questions which you answer based on your important relationships and then your current one.

Here are a couple of the questions:
What was your first reaction to this person?
How do you think this person reacted to you?
If you were not attracted initially, what changed your mind?
Was this person appropriate for you and why?
Was he available or unavailable for commitment?
Were you available for commitment, if not why not?

A key one, list all the ways in which you may have introduced a boundary or distance, and why?

My point here is... it is opening my eyes up to what I knew from the beginning and what the other person knew.

I think you should proceed with caution since he has stepped things up since you set a boundary. That seems to me like he is not giving you the space to make whatever decision YOU want to make.

I am no expert, but slowly learning, it is easier said than done, I would take a little time with this.
balancesekr

February 4, 2007
10:14 am
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readyforachange
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Slowly Learning...

Your situation sounds so much like mine. I was married for 17 years to an alcoholic. We've been divorced for 2 years now, and I am just starting a new relationship (dating for about 2 months). I have so many doubts and insecurities with this new relationship, and it's been really hard to keep things in perspective.

Here is what I've tried to do: I am TOTALLY honest with this new guy. I tell him how I feel, and why I feel that way. If I'm uncomfortable with something, I tell him. Example...for a while there, I kept thinking he was expecting to sleep with me, and I was very insecure about it. So I told him how I felt, and he said we'd wait until I was ready. It felt so good to get that out into the open, and to let him know how I felt and find out how he felt. Honesty.

There are tons of red flags with this guy too. He's been married twice, has 3 kids, is in the middle of an ugly divorce with his second wife. I've tried to keep in mind that I'm not looking to get married, or to blend my family with anyone else's. I'm looking to have someone I can go to dinner and a movie with...and have adult conversation with. Friends, but with a little romance thrown in on the side. That's just what we have right now, and I don't think either of us are ready to move it to another level.

SO...know what you want, and be honest with him about that.

I have a thread called "Why Am I Obsessing About this New Relationship?" which I'd love for you to read and give me your input...if you want to.

Hang in there...keep working on knowing yourself, your boundaries, and what you want in a relationship, and be comfortable telling him about that.

February 4, 2007
2:46 pm
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truthBtold
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Slowly Learning,

I would say....don't compromise yourself OR your boundaries.

He sounds like he is ready to "step it up a notch" with the romantic name calling, hugs, kisses on the cheeks, comments about your body.

If you're not - then it just is what it is.

Maybe time to just back up a little bit for some reflection. Sounds like you are doing great so far - being so up front and honest like you have been.

Two months isn't a really long time. What's the rush?

February 4, 2007
4:52 pm
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Slowly Learning
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Tiger Trainer, what a catchy name and life can be just that at times .. a wild tiger!

From what I gather, no he is not dating other women. He is very active in his own recovery and attends meetings, big book studies, etc. and I know that recovery programs are not just guys and he has been bound to meet other women out there .. which is just fine with me. He has very briefly talked about going for book studies at a woman's place with a group and I wonder if what he calls 'friends' between us is also the way he carries on with other women... that was the point of my mentioning this.

He's made his confession to me about his 'cheating' on his wife when he was married and how horrible he feels, etc. and that during recovery he has stayed free and clear of other women because he thinks he is/was addicted to sex (of all things to be addicted to!) He has confessed that in his times of cheating and however you describe that scenario, he was a "player". As for myself, I'm familiar with these types of guys or so I wish to claim for this moment anyway.. ha ha.. and been around the block with the type on a couple of occasions. Because of his history with all of this... I know and he has admitted that he too is working on "boundaries". I just don't know how to take him.. as a potential future boyfriend that I should possibly be more open to flirting back (which I would be open to) or do I shut it down and state.. 'no this is my boundary and that is it.. like it or lump it'.

I think you are right .. it is time to sit down and tell him how I am confused. He knows.. through our discussions that I'd be open to a dating relationship with him..

It seems as though we are both sitting on some fence posts waiting to see who jumps first... ha ha.

February 4, 2007
4:53 pm
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atalose
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I guess I would ask, what is he in recovery from? And how far along in his recovery is he?

I think at a certain age, people have scars and they come with baggage, it all depends on how deep the scars and how heavy the baggage.

Both of you in recovery could be a blessing for both of you, but again it all depends on what he is in recovery for.

It sounds like he is really interested in you and most likely is hoping to turn the friends only into something more, when you are ready.

I would take it slow but wouldn't necessarly end it at this point, you enjoy him and maybe your fears are getting the best of you right now. Keep enjoying the friendship and see if your fears subside.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 4, 2007
5:05 pm
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truthBtold
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I think that to be able to "let your own guard down" with another person is incredible.....possible further romantic involvement/options or not.

I think, in my own experience, that having a real true friend in which to confide in your deepest thoughts and feelings is one of the greatest gifts in out lifetime.

Why not just keep remaining true to yourself in all of this and wait and see if it NATURALLY progresses to the next level? A level that BOTH of you are comfortable with.

February 4, 2007
5:12 pm
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Balancesekr, I dig your nick too and also holds so true.

Good line of questions...

First reactions: my first reaction to him was that floaty, fluttering, butterflies in the stomach excitement feeling. His first reaction.. he has admitted.. the same. Last weekend when we last worked our latest volunteer event together a guy 'put it on us' and said that he couldn't believe how we were denying ourselves and a relationship we would have by denying our feelings cause obviously there was some extreme positive energy and electricity between us. This comment completely sent my head on a spin and messed me up for a few days so I dug a hole in some books and buried myself for a day or two until I was ready to deal with what was said and come to face how "I" felt about it. I took the comment overall badly.. not that it was a bad comment but I don't think it was appropriate for someone to put it on the both of us like that right in public infront of a bunch of acquaintances of ours.. I felt a bit humiliated. Since then I've come to realize that no matter what someone says to me "I DON'T HAVE TO JUMP IN THE LAKE" or act upon it. Just because the energy between us is good.. that is fine... it doesn't mean the world is going to end tomorrow or anything and we have to act on it this instant. To the contrary, we are taking our time and from what he said he wanted... becoming friends first (which is completely new to me!)

As for appropriate, I don't know. And I have no idea why but it feels like my gut instinct is compelling me to discover this.. yes, gut instinct, intuition or whatever you want to call it. It's like I have something to learn from this ... which scares me.. cause I hope the heck I don't have to learn something the hard way and hope that maybe the easy way will find its way to me this time...

He and I share a lot of similar things when it comes to history but we were both of opposite sides of the post. I have found him very compassionate and understanding and energetic and inspiring and comforting...

Another word on appropriateness... I'm 35 and he's 48.. which is another new thing for me... what an age difference.

Available for commitment? Now there is the question to be answered! We are both fully aware that each of us puts the other into a vulnerable situation.. codependent/addict and addict/codependent. We both realize we've made mistakes in the past in other relationships and are both working hard to not do anything to put our friendship in danger... we are both learning and that is why I guess we are taking things slowly??? Commitment, yes I am ready.. as ready as I'm going to be anyway... as for him...hmmm.. he says he wants a relationship and is tying up some loose ends from his previous relationship that he thinks he has to do before getting into a new one...

As for taking my time.. most definitely.. even if we start dating.. doesn't mean anything drastic as far as I am concerned. I want to learn more about him. I want to observe his "staying clean".. I need confidence from not just him but also his peers that he is what he says he is.

One more note.. even though at the instant I was not looking for a relationship when I met him... I was looking up until 2 months before we met and had given up on what I was doing to find a guy.. and pulled my resources back in, mixed them up a bit and thought I'd try something new, get involved in the community to help me with some of my loneliness... well it sure has done that.

February 4, 2007
5:22 pm
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Readyforachange, yes it sounds familiar... ha ha.

My and this guy have had those open and honest relationships... for as much as I am willing to give for the moment anyway. I'm learning to trust, learning to communicate, learning to let someone into my life and learning to let someone love me.. all very hard lessons.

In our discussions.. we both agreed that we would wait to see where this takes us and let whatever happens, happen naturely... we both agreed that we can see each other as more than friends.. but we didn't jump on that band wagon.

I guess... in all honesty and maybe a realization while I'm typing this is... I have a problem with being open and honest from the start about my feelings. In my last relationship every time I opened up and was honest about my feelings.. they were thrown in my face at his leisure and convenience to make me feel bad and twist and turn them to conjure them into something they were not.. (yes, major psychological abuse). Without a doubt.. something I am going to have to work on.. and maybe something I should be open with this new guy about.. that I have problems like this.. and need time and space with him to reassure myself that my feelings are safe with him and I can trust him with my feelings to not use them against me. ??

Thank you... I have read much of your thread... did that last night during the wee hours (ha ha). After reading some of it... I felt comfortable to write about my doubts and confusions... thanx again

February 4, 2007
6:02 pm
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readyforachange
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Slowly...I agree, it's hard to open up and share feelings. Especially if they've been used against us in the past. But, I've decided that I need to know how this new guy will react. If he can handle it. It's almost like I'm putting him through a bunch of tests, and making him jump through hoops. Not fair, I suppose...but I havve got to know what makes him tick, and if he is a mature, rational adult. I was married to a child for 17 years, and he was incapable of having a serious conversation. So far, I've had more meaningful conversations with this guy I've known for 10 weeks than I ever had with my ex. Scary, but true.

I'm glad we're all learning and growing together...hang in there. Follow your head, but don't leave your heart too far behind 🙂

February 4, 2007
6:36 pm
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I'm sorry everyone.. all of the comments, they are all truly hitting home and are things that I have been thinking about and bits and pieces of the puzzle I'm trying to solve. Each one is sooooo great.. I have to answer to each of you individually... thank you so much.

Atalose, what is he recovering from? He's recovering from a cocaine, alcohol & sex addiction.. yes, sex addiction! He and his wife split up several years ago... he lost everything and nearly lost his life because of it all... including his relationship with his kids.. which he is now taking steps to attempt to mend. He said that after they broke up it took him a while to hit his rock bottom but he did and put himself into recovery and did so for a year and a half. He then went back to her with an offer of getting back together as he 'fixed' himself. She denied him and he again went back to using and in very short order hit another rock bottom which just about ended his life... He then returned to recovery and been there this time for more than 6 months and this time he says he's "doing it for himself" which I think takes a heck of a lot for a person to admit.

We have talked about our baggage. Indeed he has some and which I don't mind.. as long as he takes care of his own.. cause I don't intend to take care of it for him. If he needs or wants a friend along the way, I'm fine with that... I'm a firm believer of suffering one's own consequences...I'm just trying to keep my blindfolds off so I see everything for what it is... and I don't get sidewinded.

As for scars and baggage, I have my fair share of that.... coming from being a major codependent would be someone's major red flag #1 about me... but I am who I am and getting better every day!

A little more on my story might be in order to let you know about my baggage... and which he knows about too.

The ex and I had a relationship for 18 years.. I went into that relationship with 2 children (twins) and I was only 16 at the time. We also had 3 children together: now 16 year old girl, 12 year old boy & 9 year old boy.

Prior to splitting up for the final time we played this crazy game of codependent/addict for 5 years of being together, breaking up, things get worse, we get back together, break up, etc... In the last 5 years he was addicted to cocaine .. 3 of those 5 years without my knowledge... just thought he was out binge drinking which yes, I know was bad enough. Along the way I also found out he had several mistresses and I had the pleasuring of meeting a couple of them via my phone calls to their husbands to introduce myself... how crazy things can get!

Within the last 5 years of our relationship he also became violent and more and more violent as time went past...

Finally, in August of 2005 the children and I had our fill. I will never forget the words of my then 14 year old daughter telling me.. and the look in her eyes of "Mom, when is enough, enough and when are you going to stop taking him back so this all stops happening to us". I can still hear them as clear as day as if someone is whispering them in my ear right now.

The kids and I knew that something had to be done. He was away on a binge at the time and we all had lots of time to talk and think.. even though it wasn't to conjure and plan anything in particular. Of course when he came home I raised the roof on the house just one more time for good measure... such a good codependent I was! This time I gave him an ultimatum that I wasn't going to go back on.. and the kids backed me on it... he had till August 31/04 to get himself into treatment or he was out for good. Boy, does that sound SIMPLE & EASY!

Well, August 31, 2004 came and he wasn't around.. he didn't show up until Sept 1.. well THAT WAS IT. I was ending this craziness. I stood my ground. He didn't take it nicely or easily. He got into his drama...I took my punches.. but I survived.

After we broke up and while I was still living in the same house as we had cohabited... LIFE GOT EVEN MORE CRAZIER!!!!! Nothing like his running to his girlfriend, sitting in her car with her.. 2 doors from my house watching and waiting as the kids and I come and go.. and his freaking the kids out by offering to take them for a ride.. etc... their visiting the kids at school during recess.. his calling every government agency under the sun including my employer and making false allegations... which caused my suspension from my job pending an investigation of his allegation and which I instantly quit at the notion that they were going to listen to him... his following me all over the city we lived in... his threatening and smashing the car windows of anyone he thought I may be with including all of my friends. Even through all of this I tried to keep my cool.. and allowed him to see the kids as long as he was not alone and was with a family member I trusted and as long as he wasn't under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Well on October 6, 2004 he blew that right out of the water when he called my house 43 times during the day and I could hear in his voice that he wasn't clean and he was supposed to have access that evening to the two youngest kids. I didn't play stupid and of course got my nose right in there to ensure he was clean of all substances (which he wasn't) and when I denied him access to the kids who were waiting in the car, he chased me down the street, picked me up by my throat and throttled me until I was unconscious, and would have killed me that day if it weren't for one of my oldest stepping in and threating to run him over with my car if he didn't get off of me.. which he did. My son helped me into the car and we went to the police station a block away. No sooner we got out of the car at the police station and he drove past and hit & run my vehicle (totalling it) with 2 police officers outside watching which immediately led to a high speed chase. I was under 24 hour police protection for 3 days until they caught him. He was released... and the craziness continued of course but I cut off access and got myself the most expensive lawyer in the area.

I remember in November 2004 I walked into the local alcohol and drug abuse commission.. begging and pleading for "someone to fix him so my craziness would end". Needless to say, I was laughed at... and of course this whole notion got put onto me as to it wasn't a matter of fixing someone else.. but doing what I had to do for me to end my craziness. I was put in codependent treatment (day program) for 3 weeks... and my worst enemies at the time, the addicts were all my classmates... ha ha. At the end of the 3 weeks I was starting to see some light... and asked to stay for another 3 weeks.. and this time to stay to get "help for me". I learned a lot.. and thank my higher power all of the time for those people who so dearly helped me.. yes, including the addicts, cause little known to me.. I was sicker than they were...they had a substance to use.. I didn't. My substance was my ex, the addict in my life.

Well, since that time I have learned a vast amount... I have learned that there are only a small amount of things within my control.. and its up to me to do what I have to do to keep balance in my life.. TAKING CARE OF MYSELF!

In February 2005 the craziness.. I decided to end once and for all .. for as much as I could. My ex by this time was facing trial for 11 charges against me. I had become a speed dial caller of the domestic violence unit in the area and found some great friends there too. They helped me more than they could possibly know. They helped me arrange to move to a safe house so the kids and I could atleast get our affairs in order until his trial date. It was arranged that as soon as his trial was over the children and I .. the youngest two.. would move out of the area and far away so we could start a new life. Our life there was unbearable and unlivable. Even with him in jail, his family and his girlfriend continued his vandeta against me and my family.

On March 1, 2005, we started our new life in a new city 8 hours away from where he was and in a city where no one knew me or the kids and he had no rhyme nor reason to come near. Our first 6 months here were peaceful as he was in jail serving 2/3 of his sentence for the offences against me.

From September 2005 until February 2006 going to family law court was just about a weekly event. I tried to hire a lawyer but because of the magnitude of the case's issues and his willingness (because of legal aid lawyer on his part) to walk me in and out of court just to cause havoc in my life. He didn't know where I was as for city or province at that point. In February a trial was set. His lawyer continued to argue bluntly that I didn't need a lawyer as I was well known in the legal community as being a senior legal assistant in the area and was therefore familiar with protocol and procedures, etc...

The trial was set for May 2006. Oh where would I conjure up this kind of courage and strength to get me through. I was concentrating so hard and so much on living my here and now.. and doing the best I could. The distractions of court and fighting for me and my kids' rights just about drove me NUTS. The trial started.. without me. I was tracked down through child protection agencies and domestic violence units and was put on a direct phone call to the judge presiding over the trial. He ordered that I attend court within 48 hours or he was going to give my ex what he wanted cause no one was there to argue against it. I HIT MY ROCK BOTTOM INSTANTLY!!!!!

I returned to work a complete wreck (I worked at a law firm) and talked with my boss... I could not believe the support they offered me. I have some real good friends there too!

Off I went with my kids back to where I had came from. I was sooooo scared for my safety, sanity, and everything that I had fought so hard for.. that I bawled for the entire first day. I went to my dad's first upon my return which is 2 hours away from the city.. and I felt better knowing I had family beside me... and what a great dad I have... THE BEST. He told me not to worry about a thing as for where we were going to stay, etc. as he would take care of all of that.. he just wanted me to concentrate on what I needed to so I could go through the court proceedings.

During this period of the court proceedings.. my dad rented a place for us to stay.. just me and him.. and it was in my childhood neighbourhood. I found much comfort being there.. having the familiarity, having the sense of being home, the last place I had known of my mom and dad being together. My 2 youngest children stayed at my dad's place with his fiance.

The trial was 2 weeks long.. and what a fight.. and the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my LIFE. Having to see my ex again made me turn as white as a ghost, my knees shake, my stomach churn, my blood pressure raise to just about unbearable degree.

I made it through the trial, obviously. I felt liberated, peaceful and content afterwards.. knowing that I had said my fair share and done the best that I could possibly do. The judge that presided over the trial was the harshest judge in all the province and I knew that no matter.. what he decided is what he decided and was out of my control for now.

It took 3 months to get a decision..talk about sit on a fencepost for those months but I concentrated on getting everything back on track including my job which I owe so much for since they gave me the time off of work, gave me support after hours on the phone through legal consultations and advice...

I WON, big time.

I was able to prove, because of my ex and his girlfriend's lies on the stand that he was a drug addict, an alcohol, the domestic violence, etc. The judge was very brutal and outright at putting the onus of all the craziness on my ex...

I guess one tad of info I forgot several paragraphs above was that my now 16 year old daughter, after our break up, decided to go live with her dad since he was all alone and she felt compelled to take care of him. I know I can't do anything about it because of her age.. but obviously she's taken over the shoes I wore with him and she'll have her share of lessons to learn from him. I have little to no contact with her because she had tended to continuing to drag me into their whole and their mess which I don't want any part of.

Anyway, the only thing my ex got was 4 months of supervised access where he had to come here at his expense once every 2 weeks for 4 hours to see the kids with a professinally trained supervisor. The supervisor was to submit their report to the court after the 4 months (and I have yet to see it).

Out of 10 visits he showed up for 4. His last visit he told the kids to warn me that he was taking me back to court for custody and/or more access. To this date, now 3 months later, I have yet to be served with any court papers.

Oh yeah, I have also got a restraining order in this new province against him and this time it includes the kids. And he has been charged with 2 breaches of that restraining order. I guess that might pickle his cucumbers.

I heard a saying that I've always kept close in mind.. "revenge is sweet when it comes in the form of them watching your successes and watching their own failures"

Will I ever be rid of my ex and the baggage that comes along with the whole conflict, NO... not until my kids are old enough for him to not come after me for access. But in the meantime, I am not sitting around waiting.. I am living. I thank every day that it is not the day that I get served with papers and get dragged back into chaos... but if it happens, I'm prepared. He's made his bed.. the courts are on my side till now.. and I will make sure he lays in it cause he can't hurt me anymore and I'm not going to step aside so he can hurt my kids... physically, psychologically or otherwise.

Life is grand.. and things happen for reasons.. as well as people enter our lives for reasons.. or so I believe.

February 6, 2007
9:55 pm
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Slowly Learning
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I think I have all of the confusion I've been enduring figured out...

I've come to the conclusion that some things, even though they might feel so right, can be sooooo wrong!

With regard to this new relationship, I'll keep the relationship as a friendship and a friendship only. If he keeps pushing to take it to another level, I'm comfortable with walking away from it.

Even though he and I seem(ed) to have so much in common, got along well and enjoyed each other's company, I think its better off we stay as friends... or so my CHOICE is.

Why? Because:

1) He's been outright in not wanting to raise or help raise someone else's kids -- my kids are a huge part of my life and always will be and deserve to not be set aside for anyone. They will remain in my front and center and I will not allow anyone else to be in my front and center unless they can share that space with my kids and this guy can't.

2) Even though he tries to pay attention to me and give me time.. IT IS NOT ENOUGH. Everytime he calls and wants to make arrangements to go out he goes through his schedule of 'he's busy doing this on this night and that on that night' which is fine and his perogative.. but where do I sit on the list of priorities and the things worth spending time with.. I think in any relationship.. I should be near the top. Besides, one of my thoughts has been.. why is he keeping himself soooo busy? what is he scared of facing? why is he not content just kicking back and relaxing every now and then? Underneath it all.. I think it is because he's avoiding dealing with himself. Regardless, again that is his stuff and not my stuff.

3) In talking to him last night he made several comments that he has made before but I don't think I realized what they were until last night... the huge ego and playing the 'role' as if he is some Gods gift to women or something....how he talks about other women wanting him but he's soooo strong he says no, etc. Trying to make me admit that I'm part of the category and like all the rest ... As far as I'm concerned, I don't like egos. Egos and confidence are different and with an ego, it is usually ONLY words. I remember the ego and the role my ex played.... 'the leader of the pack' and it felt good to be with the leader and to have the attention of all the followers cause everyone looked up to us... HA HA. I can laugh at it now. I have learned I don't have to be with anyone for someone to look up to me and I don't have to play any 'role' either. I am a natural leader in my own ways: as a mother, as a coworker, as a paralegal, and as a survivor of my own experiences. Many look up to me for what I have accomplished, for my knowledge, for my will power, for my perseverance and courage, and for me just being ME.

4) I don't want to nor need to worry about whether he would or would not fall off of his bandwagon of staying straight...Not that I would necessary worry cause if it happens, it happens, but it would have major impact on any relationship we have... I just don't want or need it in any form and therefore wish to stay detached from him and just as as friend.

5) He's 13 years older than me. To me, even though age does not hold boundaries, in this situation it does because to me it is a huge age difference. I want someone near my age.. up to 7 years is fine.. even 8 years is fine.. but 13 YEARS. What was I thinking. I want someone near my age so I can grow with the person... be with the person for many years to come, someone who has and will have the energy to keep up with my busy lifestyle, etc. When he's 65 and retiring, I would only be 52. When I'm 70 he'll be 83. Besides, maturity is not a number and can not be assumed because of age. At 48, as far as I'm concerned, since he can judge me as being a single mother out looking for a guy to help raise my kids, which I am not.. then I can make the judgment of why was he out doing cocaine and hitting his rock bottom at 48. At 48 he should well have his life together... regardless of mid-life crisis or whatever.

6) A friend put it on me a couple of weeks ago.. why I felt overwhelming attractiveness to men who showed interest in me? I don't have the answer. I have come to the decision in the last day or two though, and it is much deeper than the words themselves, I DON'T HAVE TO SETTLE FOR JUST ANYONE, I DESERVE EVERYTHING I WANT AND NEED IN A MAN.

Therefore I remove myself from the 'league of women' who want him.

A friend I will be and a friend I will stay... anything more would be sacraficing my beliefs, morals, standards and I'm not about to do that again.

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