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New: Need help
April 3, 2006
3:44 pm
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vanna
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Hi,

I've been married to an A for 17 years. He's been emotionally and verbally abusive. We have two girls 9 and 5. and he's tried to quit several times with no luck and finally ended up in rehab. He got out and I was hard on him and he was hard on us. I just couldn't take his drinking. Every time we separated (3times) for a breather, he'd call some woman or go out looking for internet dates or to parties or whatever. He even told a woman at work he loves her 3 times in email & asked for a bikini photo of her! I was so hurt, but each time I took him back..we've been to counseling nothing worked. After rehab last June he stayed sober for a while but eventually went back to drinking & I told him he had to leave. I tried to get him to go back to AA, but he kept making excuses. I think I love him deep down, but I filed for divorce so I could stand on my own and enforce my boundaries...I gave him a month to just get one chip and it's been 3 and he still hasn't gotten that first chip though he did make an appt with a psychiatrist out of town (he's a cop so he has a privacy issue). My heart is so cold. He calls everyday to talk to me...and hardly talks to the girls at all...though this weekend he did better. he still wants to be intimate with me and wants us to still see each other and only each other, even if we are divorced as to him we're still married in the eyes of the Church (we're Catholic). Why can't he just quit drinking & be nice? He can be so nice and helpful he is a really nice guy. I finally told him I don't love him which I don't think may be true, I think I'm just numb...I don't want to feel anything for him and I figured he'd leave me alone and hopefully get help...of course he is now leaving me alone and he is soooo hurt....did I do the right thing? Help

April 3, 2006
3:58 pm
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gingerleigh
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Welcome,

In my opinion (and opinions are like asses, everyone's got one, right?) I think you did the right thing. Here's why I think that.

When a person is addicted to a drug, they become committed to that drug. There is no room in life for anyone else except for the drug. I'm not excusing your husband's behavior by pointing to his addiction. He is ultimately responsible for his choices. But while he is continuing to make the choice to keep feeding his addiction, he is not available to you and the children in the way that you need a husband and the children need a father.

Sadly, you can't make him stop drinking. There is nothing you could ever change about yourself or the way you behave that will get him to stop drinking. If he chooses to stop drinking, he will have to do it because of some motivating force inside himself.

In the mean time, it sounds like a logical plan of self care that you have set forth for yourself. Do you participate in any Al-Anon meetings?

April 3, 2006
4:25 pm
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jastypes
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Hugs to you. I lived it for 20 years. Drugs rather than alcohol. My husband is now clean, but not getting any help and continues to be verbally and emotionally abusive. Are you divorced yet? I am planning on filing, but haven't done so yet. I'm just learning to put boundaries in place. You may want to get counseling for yourself and/or join a support group like Celebrate REcovery or Al-anon.

I am finally learning to accept that my husband may or may not change, but I have to keep on living my life free from abuse.

April 3, 2006
4:39 pm
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startingover
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I think you did the right thing. It's a hard decision. When I decided to separate from my husband, I had a lot of guilt because I knew my children's lives would change, too.

However, it's been over 10 years. My children are 20, 19, and 16. It's been harder than I thought at times. My ex was financially non-supportive, so I had to work a lot.

I don't regret making him leave. He was a mean drunk, both to me and the kids. Nothing was ever good enough, very emotionally abusive. Everyone suffers when living with active drinking.

My children and I used to call ourselves "The fantastic four" (not very original - sorry.) We are happy, happier than we would have been, I am certain, if I had remained in that chaos.

Hope this helps.

SO

April 3, 2006
4:40 pm
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zeezee
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I think you are doing the right thing

My dad drunk and i had to live with it .

You need to break off all ties as he we keep bring you down . The only way he will give up drinking is if he wont to , no matter what you can say or do he will not do it unless he wonts to .

You need to concentrate on you and your kids they are what counts now . Time to put your life back together and if you have him around you will only be worried about is he drunk is he going to am i alway going to live with him around being a drunk . Break your ties with him if he phones up and say he wont to talk to the kids , but really its you he wont to talk to . put the kids on the phone to him and when he has stoped talking to them say bye and hang up . If he dosnt wont to talk to the kids say bye and hang up . onky let him interacted with the kids and not you , you dont have to be part of his life so dont let him bring you down to his level you are better than that .

hope this can help a little , Oh my dad has been sober for 11_12 years .

Hope you can find the help you need

zee

November 25, 2014
3:45 am
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donaldsarah1
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November 26, 2014
7:50 pm
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MoniqueCurry
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