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New Moon & all strong women I DID IT!
October 16, 2006
10:50 am
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Inca
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Hi everyone,
I'm not the most religious person, but I have been doing a lot of praying. I was praying for a miracle. One of which was to get my boyfriend to do a 180 or is it 360 to get him to wake up and come back but the miracle was that I realized that I couldn't do anymore and I had to let go. I got the courage to return the very last items I had of his in my possession. It wasn't easy. I left him a message to let him know I was doing it so there was no surprises and that I was ready to do it yesterday. I told him that I didn't want to do it during the work week or over lunch like he suggested over a week ago and never got back in touch w/ me. I'm tired of playing a fool, tired of waiting around and I wanted to do something that showed a bit of strength. So, I put the items in a box and left it on his porch with out a note, not even a goodbye. There was no point in that. He knows how I feel and it went w/out any change, so why bother?
I did this for me. I was tired of the accusations of cheating when he just slept with me after a brief reconciliation. It's not just about him. I have something to say too and I think I sent him a very strong message w/out words. Now I can focus on kicking him out of my head b/c I'm no longer allowing him to live rent free in my brain.
I hope he doesn't email or contact me.

October 16, 2006
11:16 am
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startingover
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Hi Inca

Hang in there, no contact is the way to regain control of yourself, which is all you can control. It will be hard, you can do it. We are here to listen.

SO

October 16, 2006
12:10 pm
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newmoon
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Hello, Inca, Warrior Woman - 🙂

You're an inspiration! And I absolutely love your expression:

"I'm no longer allowing him to live rent free in my brain."

Wow, that's so perfect!

It can so disappointing when others don't live up to our expectations, but I guess we have to ask: Are we living up to our expectations?

And I think you did just that! What you did took a great deal of strength and courage.

Bravo!

NewMoon

October 17, 2006
10:48 am
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Inca
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Well, it's 2 days since I gave the stuff back and I haven't heard from him and I haven't done anything else, except the 2 obvious things, cry and get pissed. My friends say that he's probably expecting me to call by now, so I should just stay busy and stay away, which is all I can do being that I have no reason to see or talk to him now. A part of me feels that I can do this, but damn, it would be easier if I had another guy taking me out to distract myself. I keep thinking he's moved on w/ another girl, but really, I have no proof. Is that normal? That same "tape" keeps playing in my head. The one that keeps saying "what I could've done better". He should be saying the same damn thing right now.

October 17, 2006
11:48 am
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cyndra820
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Inca,

You are one powerful woman!!

No contact will get easier. You do need to stay busy so the "tape" can be drowned out a bit. (It never seems to go away completely for a while, but I've heard tales here that it does!!)

You are doing what you need to do. I also liked the "rent free" comment. How very appropriate not only for you, but for many of us.

Stay strong.

Regards,
Cyndra

October 17, 2006
11:58 am
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Inca
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Thanks Cyndra,
I appreciate the feedback. I heard that "Rent Free" comment a long time ago and thought it was appropriate now. Unforutnately, he's still occupying prime realty 🙂
Do couples ever work it out after going thru something like this?

October 17, 2006
12:18 pm
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StronginHim77
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Inca -

Couples do not usually work it out after such a separation unless one of two things occurs:

1. The abused or mistreated partner is willing to take the abuser/mistreater back on the strength of promises to change, etc. Of course, the promises rarely get fulfilled, once the abuser is back in the door, so to speak. They are "empty," intended only to manipulate the wounded partner into coming back.

2. The abuser/mistreater comes out of denial that he has wronged or failed the partner in any way AND takes concrete action to change, including (but not limited to) entering into therapy, joining a support group for addicts (if this has been a contributing factor to the abuse), obtaining appropriate medication (if needed), etc. And then, the abused or mistreated partner should sit back, maintain some distance and remain uninvolved for AT LEAST 6 months to a year, to see if the abuser truly sticks with his program to change. It is very important that his MOTIVE for change is to help himself, NOT to get you back.

I am really proud of what you did. It took guts. The initial momentum that got carried you through the first tough days has probably begun to ease up. Please come to the No Contact threads (or continue to post here on your thread) whenever the pain, grieving and loneliness threatens to overwhelm you or tempt you to initiate contact with him.

Leave him to the Lord. The Lord hears us. Sometimes, we have to get out of the picture, before the person we are praying for "bottoms out" and finally reaches up for the help he needs to be a whole person.

- Strong

October 17, 2006
12:31 pm
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Inca
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Strong,
I can't work. I'm at my desk crying. I'm not so strong. My X wasn't abusive physically. I say he was abusive b/c it was 1 minute he was nice to me, asking to see my kids or asking me over and the next it was him accusing me that I cheated on him from a misunderstanding from stuff that happend over a year ago.
I thought he came into my life for a reason. It was when I didn't expect it, he was my age, he was single, of the same nationality as my infant son, he had the same middle name as my infant son..etc. He fit into the father role so well.
Why do I want to cry so much, scream so much. It's so unfair. He doesn't seem to care at all. We've always gotten back together. I feel like I don't want to live anymore, but then I say that's crazy b/c I have 2 kids and so much more. I just don't understand why this happened. I feel like I'm going crazy and I feel totally alone. Yeah, the momentum is gone.

October 17, 2006
12:36 pm
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cyndra820
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Inca,

What you're going through is grief. We've all been there. Not to be such a cliche, but it will get easier.

You are strong. You did it!! You took a step in the positive FOR you!! Don't ever think you aren't strong.

You are a WARRIOR WOMAN!! If you forget that let me know. I'll be happy to shout it again!!

Strong,

I think you hit it right on the head when you say the abused person has to be willing to take back the abuser and the abuser has to have acknowledged and sought help for their problems.

Thanks for the reminder.

Take care,
Cyndra

October 17, 2006
1:05 pm
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StronginHim77
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Inca -

Go over to "No Contact Club - Revelations" thread and scroll down to the bottom. Read what I posted there from Dr. Irene: "Help...I Still Love My Abuser." (And remember that abuse can be emotional/verbal, not just physical.)

We are here for you.

And most of us bottomed out, after the initial momentum passed. The battle now is to break the "cycle" of you going back to him, after he has pulled one of his numbers on you.

I had to break out of the same cycle. Went thru it for 16 months, before I finally decided "Enough." And even then, it was very, very hard to maintain No Contact. But it is the only way to recover. You have to face the pain and the loss of the relationship, before you can heal and move on.

You are not alone. We are all here for you.

- Strong

October 17, 2006
1:07 pm
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StronginHim77
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Inca -

Also, check out the thread, "Let's Define 'Abuse' [StrongInHim]." This may help you, also.

October 17, 2006
2:46 pm
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Inca
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I will check them out. I went to see my grandmother at lunch. I needed a breather. It helped. For some reason I got started thinking of that show The Bachelor. I have no idea why I started watching it this year but, there I was last night watching it. If anyone knows the show and seen it last night, you would've seen the behaviour of that girl Erica. I don't want to come across like that. I want to be in control, confident and strong. I was too emotional and needy in the relationship and at times mean. I'm going to remember that the next time I feel weak b/c I think it looked really bad watching her act like that. I don't want to be the one that's confrontational.

October 19, 2006
1:49 pm
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Inca
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Moon are you around???

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