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new kid here
July 25, 2005
10:46 pm
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pixygirl
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I really don't know where to start. So, I'll start from the beginning. Ever since I was young, I have been controlling, bossy, independent (not sure about that one now), and the problem solver for everyone I know. Of the relationships that I've had in the past 10 years, each one was either emotionally unavailable, physically or sexually abused, a drug user, an alcoholic, or a workaholic. I told myself that I was never going to get married and have kids. Well, 6yrs ago, I met my husband and a year ago I had my first child. He seemed like someone that was fairly normal, but then I found out that there were things that he kept from me, including his abusive childhood. 5mnths ago, my husband tells me he doesn't know if he's in love w/me any longer, "thinks" he wants a divorce, that he's no longer physically attracted to me, starts becoming emotionally detached, and depressed. He also tells me that he's been feeling this way for over a year and never bothered telling me. I get on the bandwagon to fix myself and start attending therapy sessions, marriage counseling sessions (he attended but did not try), and immersing myself in a world of self help books and tapes to win him over.

In the meantime, he forged a relationship with another woman. He says only on an emotional level, but I find that difficult to believe. There were so many things that would indicate otherwise.... a CD, pictures of her in his briefcase, lies about where he was, phone calls that he hid, and even that he was going to a counselor to get help.

When I found out about all of this, he said that there was nothing going on and that I was just being jealous and suspicious. He said that she was someone he could talk to b/c he couldn't talk to me. He refused to stop talking w/her even though our marriage counselor suggested doing so.

I've had several months of planning for him to leave and began grieving for the relationship and preparing myself to take care of my child and myself.... He stopped sleeping in our bedroom 2-3 months ago and moved out a month ago. Now, last week, I told him I couldn't take it any longer that I needed to know what he planned on doing and if he intended on divorcing me. He said he was planning on it. We started talking about it and making plans (above all we are friends and have the ability to deal w/each other pretty well). I felt better for the first time in months...like I had control of myself and my life again and that I was able to accept that I couldn't control his actions, words, or feelings any longer.

After so many months of being rejected, I was surprised when he told me after that conversation that he wants to try. He starts talking to my friends and family and getting them on his side. He tells me he's still in love with me, that he doesn't want to get divorced, that he is still attracted to me, that I'm the love of his life, and that he has told his "woman friend" that they can't spend time together any longer. Well, the thing is, I feel I've moved on and to tell you the truth, I don't know that I want to live my life worried about him lying to me any longer. I just feel like I want to go have a good time and enjoy life. With that, my other problem is there is someone I really want to start dating, but know I should not due to all of this crap that is going on with me b/c I am confused about everything.

I haven't talked w/my therapist about codependency, but after reading up on it, I feel I might be there. If anyone has thoughts or words of advice, I'd love to hear them.

Thnx

July 25, 2005
11:16 pm
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simplyfrustrated
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Hi, reading your story almost makes me feel as I was reliving my first marriage. We went throught the exact same thing. I can't tell you what to do but i will tell you what i did. I thought i could fix him, i thought i could make him love me since he said he still was in love with me. I did the thing of making sure i looked better, a more positive attitute but ultimately it didn't work. I did move back in with him but only for 5 weeks. He told me that he wasn't talking the this other women any longer and only after moving in with him I found he was. What i found was that he didn't want me but he didn't want me to be with anyone else either. I think he was happy when he kept me down. I truly wish you luck. You will have to get past all the lies and this other women. My therapist at the time told me that i wouldn't be able to throw it up to him, even if i got mad. Trust is the hardest thing in the world to get back. You deserve the very best in life and if you believe it is on your own w/ your child than you've always got a friend to talk to especially through the rough, lonely times when you may have doubt. One of the reasons i went back was because I was afraid if i didn't it would have regrets or what if's. My gut told me not to go but i did and I can honestly say i have no regrets but i know now i didn't have to go back to know what i know now.

take care.

July 26, 2005
12:02 am
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exoticflower
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Pixi, there is nothing wrong with feeling deeply pained by an emotional betrayel, you know. My ex cheated on me with and lied about god knows how many women (5 I think, at least), but I think I really could have moved past them...what I can never forgive and what hurts the deepest is the deep emotional connection he forged with another woman, the lies, the secret letters and calls, sharing what he should have with me with HER, he even shared our song with her, telling her in an e-mail that 'you shot through to me head first'. I felt it was crazy, irrational, and he told me frequently that it was, to feel no differently about this than any other betrayel, even worse. It was an actual relationship while he was carying on one with me and trying to bring us and our daughter closer as a family...cheating and betrayal are just that, if there is sex or not. Be weary of a man who can't take responsability for his actions...he can't stop doing what he doesn't even know is wrong. And if you are hurt, you may not be ready to forgive and could be going into it feeling that you SHOULD, feeling that it is somehow wrong to hurt. That simply isn't true, you are entitled to your emothions, and trying to stuff them becasue you feel they are not valid will likely hurt you, make you angry, resentful, and you may even end up with a heap of pain added on from a few angry months and not able to work it out anyway.

And a man doesn't need to talk to an available woman with lies and cds and secrets. That is not a friendship, that is a relationship, sex or not. I wish you luck whatever you decide, but this situation frustrates me just reading about, this man is not treating you or his deceitful behavior with the respect deserved.

July 26, 2005
6:52 am
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pixygirl
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SF and EF,

Thank you for your thoughts. I know that I have a long road ahead of me, no matter what I decide to do. Especially, knowing that whatever I decide to do, may hurt not only my husband, but my family too. It just feels better knowing that my feelings can be justified and that the desire to be happy is not all just selfish pleasure. I'll stay in touch to let you know what comes next.

July 26, 2005
8:21 am
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kc30
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Pixie
I have been in your situation, right down to the affair and the denial and the deflection (it's YOU being jealous) I've heard the "I don't love you anymore"...the "we're just friends"...hell, I've even found the cd!!

You sound like you have your head on straight. Your husband, however, sounds very confused, and based on my experience (and the input my friends' husbands offered after I learned the truth of his relationship with his "friend") I don't believe for a second that he isn't having an affair.

The out of the blue "I don't think I love you anymore" is the dead giveaway, according to the men I've talked to. They called my husband out months before I learned the real truth. None of us girls believed them, but they just knew. Your husband's behaviour sounds so much like mine. And everytime I just resigned myself to divorce, he would turn it around and change his mind. And I would jump right back in, and BAM...he'd be gone again.

I see no reason to rush to divorce, but the BEST advice I could give...what I wish I had done early on, is to take the time to figure out what YOU want. It's such an emotional time for you both right now, and it's hard to see straight.

Dont' worry about his feelings...or your family's feelings. Ultimately, it's YOU who needs to live with your choices. You have a little one to look after, and if mommy isn't happy, the baby won't be either. It's not selfish to put yourself first.

I believe if your husband is sincere, and he truly wants to work things out, he will give you 6 months to yourself to figure out what you really want. After all, he's put you through a lot of pain these past few months with his choices. If he loves you and wants to rebuild, he'll give you this gladly, and just be happy that you haven't wrote him off completely.

Are you convinced he's been honest with you about this woman?

kc

July 26, 2005
3:27 pm
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kathygy
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pixygirl, I wouldn't trust him either if he were my husband. I wouldn't trust him about the other woman and I wouldn't trust him not to leave again. The only thing I might be willing to do if the relationship is worth saving is go to marriage counseling and work on the relationship. Your husband has to understand why he said he didn't love you any more and why he left you so he won't do it again. If he's not willing to committ to doing some hard work on the marriage I would not take him back. Try not to let your interest in this other person affect your decision about your husband.

love,
kathy

July 27, 2005
6:33 am
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pixygirl
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KC&Kathy,

Thanks to you two as well. I told my husband last night that I was not sure about what I want and that I'm going to take the time to figure it out. He was not happy with that. He told me that he wants to move back in and really be a family again. I told him that we really haven't been a family for eons b/c he chose not to participate. It was all pretty liberating. At the end I felt pretty cold, but I also felt like I had to say that b/c if he thinks he can walk back into my life the same person, he is in for a real treat. I offered no help to him to change his ways and told him that now, words are only that...words. Only if I see action, will I be able to take him back and I won't guarantee that either at this point.

He also told me that he takes responsibility for his actions and that he has no one to blame but himself. I thought that was very adult of him.

I am still not convinced that he has been honest w/me about the other woman. There are just too many things to indicate otherwise, unless he is just plain ignorant. If he REALLY never had a physical affair w/her, I find it interesting that the first night he stayed away from home, he stayed at a hotel in her suburb. There's plenty of hotels closer than that. I would also find it interesting to understand why he continued to talk, have lunch w/her after I had asked him not to, hid their relationship, met her kids, "doesn't know" if my child has ever met her outside of their work environment, lied to me about being at work, "worked late," and avoided home at all costs. The laundry list is just too long right now for me to sort through.

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