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New Here...What is next?
December 29, 2005
12:36 pm
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funkybuddha
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Hello Everyone- I have ended a 8 year relationship with someone who has BPD. Didn't know that while in the relationship. My short story, dated after divorce, found him charming, romantic, pushy, scarey, and a liar. Nawing feeling in pit of stomach didn't follow it. We got engaged didn't marry. Remain friends/lovers on again off again. Roller Coaster relationship all the time. I find out after I moved in with him a couple of months back that he had started a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with co-worker. I left and I found out that he had many more secrets than just her.

I started to wonder why I stayed in such a unhealthy situation. I joined a BPD chat room. Learned more about the disorder and about myself. I realize that I'm codependant, text book case. After a few attempts of trying to remain in his life even though he treated me like crap and being told to get lost I decided to finally just not to pursue this anymore. I haven't contacted in almost a month I'm so pround of myself.

I've decided to focus on me. I feel good about myself most of the time. The rest of the time I'm anxious, scared, bored, lost, and inadequate. I lost a few pounds, trying to get life back on track. I obsess about him all the time, how wrong he treated me. How dumb I was for staying, how he has some women living in our home on the furniture I paid for etc.

My question??? After all of this soul searching I realized that my original abuser was my mom. She was emotionally unavailable, very detached. Now that she is older she clings to me. I don't hate her but I very uncomfortable around her. She had turned into a child. Give me, your suppose to, stay with me, you owe me. I feel so fragile. I'm trying to understand myself, my dreams, desire, loves and feelings. Sometimes I just cry because I feel so lost. I try to interact with people honestly but I still lie and joke to keep from showing my vulnerable hurt self. I don't have any real friends that really know me. The know the nice, friendly, helpful, perfect girl I pretend to be. I have never had such emotion before but I keep it hidden. Sometimes it peaks out. I've joined a CODA group but it is really for me but I will continue to try.

Does this get better?

December 29, 2005
12:44 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi funky and welcome to the site.

I believe that it can get better. I also believe that it does not happen overnight and patience is key. It seems as though you are on the right track by ending an unhealthy relationship, going to Coda and coming here.

A couple of things that helped me along with Alanon (similar to Coda), was personal therapy and reading, reading, reading.

A couple of good books to start with are:

1. Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood

2. Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie.

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz was also helpful.

Good luck and keep posting.

Lolli

December 29, 2005
12:46 pm
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garfield9547
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Hi funky

After 2 years in therapy I belive we get involved with people that resemblance our mothers emotionally.

I had to break contact (little if have to) with my mother to survive emtoionally.

Looks like your mother was emotionally like a child and still is.

This board would be of great help to you.

Wellcome

Garfield

December 29, 2005
1:07 pm
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enoch
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FB

8 yrs to the day my fiance said she didn't want to marry and then became a ice queen. So I kind of know the hell you are in...

I suspected that she was F ing around but never could prove anything, and she is a known liar, to the point where she doesn't even know that she lies anymore...

It took a really good therapist to help me to realize that I was not totally to blame (cause I have my faults) and that she is in a canoo and the sounds of the waterfall are getting louder by the minute...

It does get better, then worse, then better, then worse... its been 8 weeks and I still feel very betrayed...

But you know F her... and F him

It will get better.

December 29, 2005
1:10 pm
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kathygy
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funky,

if you are committed to your own welfare and personal growth it will definately get better.

December 29, 2005
1:12 pm
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CAMER
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enoch, couldn't help laughing at your f her and f him part!!!!

anyways, it does take time, and yes, you go thru the ups and the downs and the downs again....but eventually you will live, even though life may feel like you want to die, you will get better, keep hanging out with friends, keep reading the good coda books and attending meetings, and the more you build YOU up the more you will feel better about yourself.

good luck~ Camer

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