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new here too
October 13, 2003
1:56 pm
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bunnygrl
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I just found this site and need a place to vent all of this. I am 33 years old, and married a year to an poly-addicted man. Cocaine and gambling being the predominant addictions. For the past three years of our relationship I have attempted to control everything around his behaviors, but as you all will know...to no avail. He has gone to AA twice in that time, quitting both times. He has started therapy, quit, started treatment, quit. He's quit at everything execept the lying and using. Of course it is my inability to quit on him that drives me mad. i have thrown him out on a couple of occasions the last of which was last week. He is now back at home now, and I'm not so sure I want him there. He always seems to sneak back in under my radar. He has started going to meetings again for the third time. I don't beleive it's going to work. I don't want to hear all the bullshit, quite honestly. But somehow I can't let go. It amazes me that i'm here. I'm about to attend my first Al Anon meeting tonight, and I'm scared. I have been attending therapy for about 6 months (since his last binge)and although this is the longest he's ever been out, I still don't feel like I can let go. Any suggestions?

October 13, 2003
2:39 pm
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gingerleigh
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Starting to seek support for yourself is wonderful! I'm glad that you are getting counseling, and the al-anon meetings are a good source of group support.

Letting go? It amounts to just plain old getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. When you hit that point, you know, where you wake up at 2:30am, completely aware that you just cannot take ONE more minute of the bullshit, and you get up and start making plans. Make lists. And revise the list, get your counselor to look it over, maybe point out logic or resources you have overlooked, and then you start the execution. That list is something you can refer to when you aren't sure what to do next.

Writing helps a lot too. Keep score for heaven's sake. Write out the crap you have to deal with as it occurs. When you sense that he is probing at your radar again, and you feel yourself thinking "maybe this one last time it can work", pull out that score card and remind yourself where you've been and why you don't want to go back there.

You sound very smart and grounded, despite being upset and going through a lot of crap. You can use that level-headedness to pull yourself out.

One thing I haven't heard in your post is any blame on yourself for his using, that if only you were this or that things might be different. AND THAT IS FANTASTIC. Keep it in the front of your mind that even though you might love this man and deep down you know he loves you too, he is in the throes of addiction, and does not have the capacity to be in a relationship with anyone or anything but the substance. It has NOTHING, ZIP, NADA to do with you.

Talking is good too, lean on friends for a sympathetic ear, or come and talk here, there are lots of kind people here who have been there, done that, and got the T-shirt (even a few times *giggle*).

October 13, 2003
2:43 pm
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Anonymous
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That was excellent advice, I think. I recommend also the book "Women who love too much". It worked wonders with me in regard to becoming strong to leave and stop the addiction to unhealthy relationships.

October 13, 2003
2:44 pm
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Anonymous
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the author is Robyn Norwood.

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