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New here. Please help!
July 24, 2005
10:53 am
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Irishlass21
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Hello all.

Wow! I can not stop crying as I read all the posts despite how helpful it has been to read that I most defintely (though unfortunately) do "belong here". A bit about me and my situation-I am 30 years old and have been back and forth with a man who is without a doubt my best friend for approximately eight years (tried living together, adopted a dog together did all the "right" relationship things as they should progress"). We have a relationship based on friendship but no respect. I am the traditional "caretaker". I also supress my feelings, emotions and anger until they reach the boiling point (which they did last night as you will see) and he is the VERY typical "taker". I give until I hurt and he takes until he feels smothered. Although we still have fun when we are together (most of the time) I have grown bitter and resentful at not having appropriate outlets for my concerns and have allowed my frustrations to enter into all aspects of our relationship. Still though, I keep giving and doing.

He and I "play fight" a lot. I have asked him repeatedly to stop doing certain things such as hitting me in the head or pinching me so hard that I bruise (which I constantly lie to cover up the reason I receceived the bruises). He doesn't stop but insists I am being too sensitive as it is just in good fun. Last night we were at his brother's house (he is UNBEARABLY close with his family)playing cards and he (in "fun" turned and smacked me in the head-not hard enough to really hurt but it was not something I took kindly to. Well-for once and for all I stood up and (in front of his family) told him how I felt-that I was sick of the roughhousing and I have asked him repeatedly to stop. He became IRATE (I have never seen him yell like this-albeit it was after we were alone in the car) saying I was a psycho and I had no right to embarass him in front of his family and the whole basis of our relationship is now changed since I have accused him of being an abuser(HOW DARE HE TURN THIS AROUND ON ME???). IS it really abuse if it is all in playing?

So, I of course got scared and began to (as always acquiesce to him) but then began to realize that if I didn't at least attempt the relationship talk I would regret it for ever. I told him the "typical" things-that I loved him and wanted to be with him but things (on both of our ends-I can take responsibility for my codependent issues) need to change-he took no repsponsibility and even stated that "I am not the type of girl to put pressure on him, why am I starting now and why do I feel the need to know how things will be in the future"? I told him that I would be happy with just a little bit of security in the fact that he is willing to work on the relationship. The most hurtful thing I heard (and I am not sure if he said it out of anger because of what had occured at his brother's house)is when I asked him straight out if he was still in love with me-as he was the "pursuer in this relationship for a long time until I decided that I would attempt to let my guard down a bit-he said that he couldn't see us together at an old age and I haven't I realized that he is making "excuses" not to have any kind of inimate relations. Stupidly (ans SO typical of me and my MO) I told him it was okay and I would be willing to wait for him as long as he needs-AM I THE BIGGEST LOOSER IN THE WORLD??????????????? I am re-reading this post, reflectiong on the past eight years and all I want to do is step outside my body and shake me until I realize that this is NOT RIGHT. I never, ever thought I would be this kind of woman but here I am repeating the process over nad over for what? For a man who-although I laugh with him like no other person I have ever known-certainly does not deserve me or the 200% I put into our relationship every day.

So ultimately we have agreed to take a step back and take things slow. We did not establish what that means because we have done this before-and every time he realizes how much he needs me (and I am not denying my need for him) he comes back as if nothing has happened and I start the cycle all over due to my unbearable fear of not having him in my life until it reaches a boiling point ast it did last night. After not sleeping very much last night I got up this morning and have determined that I might need to break all contact with him at the moment BUT HOW???????? I am so scared to death of not having him or seeing him.

Stupidly I keep saying to myself if only...if only he changes these things or I work on this thing we can make it work and it is entirely possible that we can but do I really want to?

Perhaps it is important to know that we are both adult children of alcoholics (all are recovering).

I hope that some of this resonates enough with someone so that you can give me a bit of advice as to where I am headed, what I need to do (no contact??)and what I can expect. Right now I am HEARTBROKEN and scared to death. I have built my life around this man and the possibility of never seeing or talking to him again is something that I just do not want to think about at this moment.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this and hopefully giving me a little insight. It is so nice to know that there are people-strangers really-that you can turn to when the people you love the most hurt you so badly.

All the best.

July 24, 2005
11:05 am
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HopefulVal
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i JUST ENDED AN 8 YEAR RELATIONSHIP TOO. Mostly because we can't seem to make it work.
I have not been happy in or out of the relationship, and he feels he gave it all he could.

I am scred, and I have really bad thoughts and days. My eyes are so swollen from crying - I can't go outside. I look like a frog.
But - I have to try to be ok with me.

I need to be ok alone.
I am a good person, and I have a wonderful child who is coming home today from a vaction with my ex-husband. I need to try to feel good about what I do have. I would love to continue talking to you and trying to help you, while supporting one another. That's a good thing.

As hard as I tried, and worked at my relationship with my ex, I know that part of what I was fighting was him.

I dont think it needs to be so complicated, and I think that people can cometogether, and have fun, and be happy, and go through the motions while being there for one another.
We (my x & I) could not do that.

He was emotionally unavailable.
He was my biggest supporter. Financially, if I needed it, and academically, professionally.

But not emotionally.
It is sad - becasue I love him but I need to realize the affect this is having on me and my dughter.

Try to take one moment at a time. Cry if needed. Trust your own heart.

July 24, 2005
11:07 am
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dgroovy1
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Hope things get better. All I can offer is you are not alone. There are tons of people in relationships they are unsure about. Feel better....mine is much worse as my man doesn't work, has adopted my kids and has no drive of any kind, including sex and we have been together 10years, the only time he does anything with me is to pick on me or rough house and he is always too rough, though I have found that getting "too rough" myself tends to stop him in his tracks. Maybe you should have instead of standing up complaining (yet again), smacked him in the head even harder? Good luck and peace to you and yours.

July 24, 2005
1:17 pm
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Anonymous
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Irish,

I can certainly relate to your frustration with this man. My bf and I also had a big blow-up last night (is there a full moon? ha). I understand completely the "best friend" concept, as that is what we are together also. But, there are issues in our relationship that need to be discussed and resolved, and anytime I bring them up, we have a train wreck. He acts out, then runs away and will be silent until he thinks things have blown over.

I have decided that No Contact is the best option for me right now. I must detach (and fast) because I don't want to go down with the ship so to speak. I told him if he wanted to self-destruct, that I would not be a witness to it. He's on his own!

As for me, I had found this message board a couple of weeks ago, and it has been a God-send. I believe He has been preparing me for what happened last night, and through prayer and the support of the people here who are going thru some of the same struggles, I WILL MAKE IT!

Doing the right thing is hard sometimes. You are the only one who can determine what that is, and then DO IT! Good luck to you, and keep posting!!! We are all in this together!

July 24, 2005
11:17 pm
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22haha
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Irish - first of all if you take a step back - if the relationship is right, it will be there when (if) you come back to it I believe. However, if you are giving 200% and he is not - then you need to stop. You need to stop allowing him to manipulate the relationship and you. Put up some barriers and let him know you won't be walked on. You are a strong, confident woman who deserves 200% back. Funny that you say you want to step back and shake yourself because I have said those exact words myslef. Funny thing is... when your in it, you can't. I stopped and got out (albeit 12 days now) but the ability to be outside of it really brings light to the subject. Understand? I now see everything so much clearer. I was letting him control me... actually my fear of being alone was controlling me. Now, I am gaining confidence and I am starting to stand up for myslef instead of bieng someones caretaker... let them take care of themselves!!! YOU deserve to be happy. XO good luck.

July 25, 2005
3:21 pm
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kathygy
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Irish, this man is very abusive. You can live without him. Its only a feeling that you can't but the reality is you can. What is scary to you about being alone? The thought is far worse than the reality. Being alone can be a good time to focus on you and build a loving relationship with yourself. This man is not good for your self esteem. You may laugh hard together but without love and respect what the point? At least start by telling him you need some time to think and take a break from the relationship until you can get some perspective on it. You deserve to be treaed with love and respect in a consistent manner.

love,
kathy

July 25, 2005
5:18 pm
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loving_more_demanding_less
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I also understand. I have had a less than perfect marriage for the past 10 years and have many a day walked around with puffy eyes wondering if I married the right person. But I have learnt an important lesson. "You must be true to yourself!!!" It has become my motto in life. I am not self righteous. But in the deepest recesses of my heart, where no one else threads, I have endeavoured to make it my haven. It is never okay to abuse, hurt, or embarrass anyone, even in play. The repercussions are always irreparable and lasts a lifetime.

Dont try to lash out. Look inside yourself for your own strength. We are all with you. You can make this relationship work. But you must be brave enough to do the right thing. and you must muster up a little faith that you will be guided. If this relationship is not good for you then he will go away for good. You must not blame yourself if he leaves! This is his choice! But you must have enough reapect for your own intelligence to stay your course.

If this relationship has hope and is going to redound to the benefit of both of you, then have faith that he will come back on "your terms"!(which should be realistic and loving but not abusing and disrespectful).

I tried this in my relationship when one day my husband in a frenzy gave me an ultimatum to give in to his terms or get out. I went to work that day and cried my eyes out. I have 2 kids and they love their Dad. But I was not going to stay in an abusive relationship.

Fortunately, by the end of the day he realised that I was not going to give in and he knew then that he would have to adjust his life. We had very bumpy days ahead, but the more I stayed the course and did what I knew in my heart was right, the stronger I felt and the more he began to see his own follies. It is no doubt extremely difficult.

Stay the course my dear. You are doing the right thing! You can look back on that moment when yor stood up for yourself and be proud! Chin Up!

Keep us posted. We will hold your hand through this.

July 26, 2005
3:33 pm
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lonely3
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Hi,
i'm lonel,scared,depress and i'm 27 yrs old. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 9 yrs, and 7 yrs ago the mental abuse started, than it escalated to physical abuse. I have taken him to court for it. But presently, we are together, we have two boys, and i swear, he doesn't change. I, like so many women i have proven over and over how much i love him and supported him through thick and thin. But nope, nothing changes, promises are broken, his has no credability, i don't respect him. When i speak my mine i get punched in my face, and now my bruses take a while to heal, but i won't back down. I have told him many times to leave me alone, i don't deserve it, but he stays. I know what i have to do, and i have to move on, but i need support, i need advise, i don't want to feel ALONE! and i know i'm not, i just feel like i have to hide everything, my boys are seeing this and i want to raise great men, i don't want this anymore.. i need support.

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