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New here, Need input on personal pressing issues.
May 25, 2007
2:18 pm
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GD60
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Have a long term relationship many years it has been great, last few years very rocky possibly partner deals with depression, drinks daily, and lately using marijuana.

My problem is when is enough enough, or do you stay because of the time that has been put into this relationship.

He has not stood behind me lately in a very troubling time of my life, instead found new crowd to hang with of they drink and smoke all night which results in him staying out all night, very disrespectful, does not work or help with household expenses anymore, very irresponsible and does not seem to worry about it when I bring it up.

I have tried talking, I have tried ignoring the problem, and I have tried complaining about the problem.

In my eyes I really feel sorry for the guy cause he just does not seem to see how much he has to lose and I never thought of this before but I have many of the tendency of being codependent.

ANY IDEAS OUT THERE.

May 25, 2007
2:40 pm
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StronginHim77
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So many of us have been in your shoes and it is not a very comfortable place to be. Most of us on these threads are codependents in varying stages of recovery. We try to help one another through these wonderful support threads. I welcome you to our AAC family and hope that we can help you sort through your painful dilemma with this man.

First of all, he is an addict. Booze and pot? All all night? Not paying his share of the bills? WHOA. Let me share this about addicts: they don't get better, until THEY choose to. And usually, they have to lose everything and EVERYONE who has enabled them to remain in their addiciton(s), before bottoming out and facing themselves...facing Reality...and seeking their own recovery.

You can't do it for him. That's just codependency...feeling responsible for him...trying to fix him...trying to get him to "see the light..." feeling sorry for him. All codependent behaviors. And allof them are toxic to YOU and to him.

Let's shift the focus back onto YOU. You need some relief. You need time to recover. You need support and kindness. You have been carrying a terrible burden. It is time to lay it down.

You have a right to be loved. Addicts do not love anyone...not even themselves. I would sever all contact with this man. Change the locks. Kick him out. Change your phone number(s). Block email. Do whatever you have to do to get him out of your life and initiate No Contact. He is self-destructive and will take you down with him, if you let him. Run, while you can. Get away from him.

Keep posting. We are here for you. You are going to meet many wonderful people who can understand that pain you are in...who can understand what a difficult choice you are facing.

With all my heart, I urge you to get away from this man. It is NOT a healthy relationship and will only get worse.

- Ma Strong

May 25, 2007
2:46 pm
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red blonde
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I would go to counseling or start reading self help books. That is a start.

You can only change yourself, you cannot change someone else, especially if they do not see the problem and some just do not want to change, because they see it as your problem, not theirs.

When is enough enough? Well, when you state that to yourself. Now would be the time to decide FOR YOURSELF whether it you can remain in the situation without the problem ever changing or whether it problem is worth being hurt over and over again trying to change him or the problem. Tough decision. You have to choose for YOU and only for you, not because of anyone else. If there are children involved, it is hurting them as well, though they may not show it or voice it - they are none-the-less affected by it and more than likely carry this on into adulthood and are very perceptive even though they may not always understand what is going on.

May 25, 2007
2:49 pm
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red blonde
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Even if you don't have children. Would you want your child (as an adult) to be in a similar relationship? Think on that for a while....because we often do not see things for ourselves unless we step aside from our own feelings and look at the situation objectively.

May 25, 2007
2:53 pm
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red blonde
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I am just learning how to do that.

May 25, 2007
3:04 pm
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GD60
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No children together which is good, I do appreciate all responses it gives different views on the situation, and again, it is always easier to blame others for not doing what needs to be done, harder to take the responsiblity and do it...I know this but doing it is tougher. I am a good person and I do deserve to be treated much better than I have been. I do realize this but making excuses for bad behavior and it is behavior I can niether change or deal with, it is not what I want in my life, again thanks for the input I think I am going to like it here, it really does help to have someone to talk about with these things.

May 25, 2007
3:16 pm
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fantas
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GD60...Welcome to the site. Sorry for your situation. As it has been stated, many of us have dealt with this. Your partner, is an addict and he life revolves around his new love...getting high. He will do and say anything inorder to get high. He will manipulate you emotionally, psychologically, financially and in any other kind of way so that he can continue to use. As the other posts have said, you have to put yourself first and take care of yourself and hard as that may be right now. Find an Alanon group in your area, these people are know your situation very well. Would you be able to have an intervention for your partner? Are there people who can support you in this?. The only way you can help your partner right now is to cause him to go to rehab. If he is not willing to, you have to let him go until he is willing to get help. Hang in there. Keep coming back.

May 26, 2007
12:55 pm
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GD60
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THANKS again for all the input, I am seeing things a little differently this weekend and have many things to think about. I realize sometimes in our minds we make things not appear to be as crazy as they are so some soul searching will really be a benefit to me.

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