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new here, need help
May 14, 2007
1:21 pm
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confused d
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September 30, 2010
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First time here, great to be able to see I am not alone. Loved "one flaw in woman" frm soprano2!! Think we forget our worth because we are doing too much for everyone else and hardly ever are recognized for our efforts.

Real reason for chat is:
In a relationship (1 1/2 yr.) and talk marriage) but he is an addict, going thru a bad divorce (she is a cronic problem and crazy), has a daughter, 20, blind and mental disab., and I spend so much of my self trying to keep his life in order and supporting him. I get vry little support frm him, except when he realizes I am ovrwhealmed, often lately. I have a flood house I am trying to re-do(not livable frm Katrina)on my own, pay check to pay check, I drive 90 miles each way to work 5-7days/wk. so he and I can work together(it is a good job) and I can keep closer tabs on him(no trust bc of his chrinic lies and past sneeking to the soon ex house(not to just visit his daughter, the live across the road from each other-too close, but he won't move). Thought about leaving, he makes me feel guilty about it sometimes, but I love him. I feel I have lost my own identity and things I used to do I don't do now(part is no time and part depression). Hardly have any friends, and they are not close, family also far away. I feel lost, alone, overwhealmed, depressed and unsure as to what to do.
Any comments would be greatly appreciated!

May 14, 2007
1:25 pm
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soprano2
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Wow...you got a lot going on. Welcome to the site.

Feeling overwhelmed are you? I can certainly see why. I feel for you. That is a lot--there is no room for you, no wonder you feel so lost in everything.

I know plenty about losing my own identity. I lost it some time ago, and I have started to find it, and the more of it I find, the happier I am and the more my life makes sense.

I also know plenty about having someone who makes me feel guilty every time I want to do something for myself.

There are lots of red flags that you wrote in your post. Are you happy where you are at? It doesn't seem like it. So what do you want for yourself?

May 14, 2007
5:17 pm
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confused d
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Good qeustion. It did not start out this way. He continues to tell me it is going to get better, but it does not seem to have changed much.
Certainly afraid of leaving him, part has to do with the fact that I would need to quit my job. May not be a bad thing, but at the pay rate, I would have a time finding something comprable. Sometimes it seems as if I have dug myself a hole. And no, I am not happy now. It feels as if I am at the end of my rope (not suicidal or anything like that), but I feel as if I am going to have a melt down.
What is it with a person that feels he can go and do what he wants when he wants, even if it is something that is harmful to the relationship, and then say he is sorry, but then turn around and not want you to do anything without them and to say how thankful he is that I have not done anything like that to him??? Whats up with that?
How did you begin to re-discover who you were?

May 14, 2007
5:31 pm
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lovemedo
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Hi confused. I'm new here too and just finding my way around. The identity thing is my problem too. I was totally consumed by my partner and felt I could only be my true self when I was with him. He brought out the best in me.....and the worst because I had never been addictive or co-dependent until I fell in love with him. Now he has withdrawn yet again I am struggling with who I am again. Because i gave up my friends and my own interests to care for him (he is bi-polar and needs looking after) for the last 6 years, I am picking up the pieces of my life all over again and it's scary dealing with that and with the loss of the person who knew me better than anyone ever has or will ever do again. As for not letting you do your own thing yet wanting his own freedom to do whatever he wants, I've had that too. My ex was able to say I'm going out with another friend tomorrow but if I wanted to spend time with my daughter or son he would turn funny, tell me I didn't need him because I had other people to spend time with and withdraw. That caused me huge anxieties and fear, so I stopped trying to do other things. It wasn't worth the emotional turmoil. I guess you can't rediscover who you were until you stop being the person you've become - under someone else's control. Though it does sound as if he has his share of problems too.

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