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11:45 am
September 27, 2010
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Hi..I'm new here because I just ended a 10 year (on and off) relationship with a man who's 20 years older than me. I've had quite a life and im so exhausted..I dont even wanna get into it but there was some sexual abuse..physical abuse..my dad was an addict and absent from the home. I had a child at a very young age and men have always been my drug..Mostly men I can take care of..I realize now that its probably because I could never save my father (who passed about a month ago). My brother was murdered two years ago and to seek comfort, I began a relationship with (supposedly) his best friend..who put me about $30,000 in debt..before I wised up and kicked his ass out. I'm so angry!!! I have so many emothions inside. I smoke marijuana to cope and I justify it by saying..hey at least its not crack..I go to work (2 jobs) everyday, I take care of my son and my nephew..I've gone to counseling and it helps temporarily but what helps the most..honestly..is when I smoke..it relaxes me. More than any antidepressant etc. My problem (well one of them) is that I want to quit. I accepted God in my life and maybe I felt like it was going to be soo easy to let go of my old lifestyle (all things are possible in Christ who strengthens me). The truth is..it's not. And I guess until I start dealing with my emotions from the bottom up (childhood ==>onward), I will not change.
My first step was to break up with the man I'd been seeing. I felt he was codependent (im not sure which one of us was worse), maybe an enabler. As long as he was around, I never had to deal with anything..he'd be there to pick up the pieces..so I actually feel good about my decision to break up. Now I actually have to deal with myself and Im lonely, confused..basically crawling out of my own skin (mostly because I have no other man to fall back on and occupy my manic thoughts/impulsive desires)..
I feel good..like im on hte right track..I just have to deal with my f-ed up life until this point so I can make it OVER the mountain..not just stand at the top..
So thanks for reading..encouragement and advice is always welcome..
BTW, I read "the awakening" wow!!! I loved it!
12:56 pm
September 27, 2010
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(((emma lee)))...that is a hug, by the way. Welcome to this site. I lost my dad three weeks ago, and I know how difficult it is. I too have had no positive relationships with men in my life, and it is difficult. I'm sorry I'm not full of great advice right now, but I will check in with you later. Take care of yourself!
1:22 pm
September 30, 2010
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Hi Emma lee and welcome
This is a great site.
I'm sorry that you lost your Dad. That is hard. I still miss my Dad who died almost ten years ago, and he was always gone too.
I also choose loser men and have lost my ass too, helping them. I work two jobs too, trying to recover.
I quit smoking pot, the last time I gave the guy money up front, he never showed, and that was 6 months ago. Much as I enjoy the relaxation, I probably won't smoke it anymore, but I do understand what you mean.
AlAnon has helped me a lot, so does this site. I am learning to take better care of myself so I can take better care of people who are worth the effort (and my time), not drunks or junkies. My ex husband was an alcoholic (married twenty years), both my parents were alcoholics, and my ex "friend" was a drunk and a heroin addict (I didn't know about the heroin until the end). These are the people I have tried to fix. I wore myself out, have a mountain of debt to show for it, and they are not any better, in fact none of them care about me at all. I am taking care of myself now.
Hope you find a lot of support here.
SO
3:02 pm
September 30, 2010
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WELCOME Emma, my condolences go out to your for the loss of your dad and brother.
You have made a good step, in realizing that men in your life are like a drug (yep, that's codependency) and now you are posting & hopefully somehow we can help eachother every step of the way.
Glad to have you here & keep posting!!! and know you are not alone!!!!
11:04 pm
September 27, 2010
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I'm so happy to know that there is a support system out there..thank God for the W.W.W
I dont know what's next for me..for now..its one day at a time..not really associating with negativity.
I have this friend in a destructive relationship..I know she needs some emotional support but frankly, im tired..I need to deal with MYSELF!
She has 3 girls and i feel so bad for her and want to help but maybe that's been my problem all along..
Can we have codependent relationships with friends too?
I think so...
I'm tired 🙁
11:10 pm
September 30, 2010
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"Can we have codependent relationships with friends too? "
Oh yes.
8:25 am
September 27, 2010
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Another night..no sleep..Im filled with anxious thoughts..bills...men..
ok one particulary baaad man..he's not good for me..he lives 2000+ miles away and has a lot of issues.. (my type of guy)
Anyways, its just wrong for me and we stopped talking days ago but I cant get him out of my head..
I know I just need time..but I also need sleep..I took a sleeping pill on sunday night but it knowcked me out for like 12 hours..I just cant do that every night..
plus im struggling with the issue of my marijuana use..
Tonight will be my first night without it and im not sure how its going to pan out..
So..no sleeping pill..no marijuana...no man...
OMG I dont even want to think about it
Its hard to break the routine i've had for 10+ years..I never go to bed without self medicating..and when I do..I dont sleep 🙁
7:42 pm
September 29, 2010
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Hi Emma lee, welcome to the site. I was just wondering if you are attempting to quit everythings at once all by yourself? Are you in therapy or attending any meetings. You need support...Congratulations on doing all this. Way to go!
7:43 pm
September 29, 2010
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Hi Emma lee, welcome to the site. I was just wondering if you are attempting to quit everythings at once all by yourself? Are you in therapy or attending any meetings. You need support...Congratulations on doing all this. Way to go!
7:44 pm
September 30, 2010
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Yes, welcome.
Boy, you are making a lot of changes all at once. Good for you.
Make sure that you have lots of support. I have found talking to people who have been there really helps. And that is what this site is for.
How are you feeling today? It has been a few days since you posted I see.
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