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New here . . . (Long post ahead.)
January 3, 2002
4:41 pm
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Ariella
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September 27, 2010
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Hi, I recently discovered this board after doing a little self-discovery today . . . I did some research on codependency and decided that I am indeed codependent and that probably my boyfriend is too, as well as my mother, and probably my father as well. That's not a happy thing to discover so early in the day . . .

The way I discovered it is even stranger: TheSims.com. I'm a big fan of the Sims probably because it lets me control the lives of virtual people, since it doesn't seem like I can control my own life very well. It's sort of an escape from reality into another where things are as perfect or as far from perfect as you make them . . . I realize that maybe most of you aren't familiar with the game The Sims, but I was reading a photo album on the exchange that dealt with a model character who was a alchoholic and anorexic. It was a pretty serious topic for a game, so I took a look. Then I had a discovery . . . That I too was an addict of sorts.

I'm not an alchoholic nor am I anorexic, but I realized I have an addiction to people and unhealthy relationships. I used to think I was just obsessive and infatuated or that I even had OCD. (I've been diagnosed, but am not currently having any mental health support outside of talking with friends.) so I did some research and discovered that more than likely, I was codependent and that I learned the behavior from the behaviors of my parents when I was a child. My mother suffers from bipolar disorder and she'd been abused as a child, and my childhood was very disturbed at times. I'm not blaming her or anything . . . I just realized that my mom has been very codependent on my father all her life, since they married, creating a lot of stress on him and everyone in the family including myself and my little brother.

When I was 11, I developed my first really unheathy obsession with a teacher who was 3 times my age . . . and who was also female. At first, it started out strangely: I hated her guts because I decided she must have hated me. I made fun of her at every opportunity, drawing mean pictures, saying mean things about her, etc. All because she had treated me in a mean way the first day I was in her class . . . It was a silly incident . . . Looking back now, it seems meaningless: I didn't get paper to write down that days assignment right away after she had explained what to do; she came up to me later and asked if I had written it down, and I said no, and she replied "Well, you better go do it" in a huffy tone. It had an incredible impact, considering that I still remember it almost 10 years later . . .

Right after that event, I figured she hated me. The reason why I was in her class wasn' tvery good . . . I had gotten removed from the excelled reading and math classes because I wasn't getting good enough grades . . . and her regular leveled reading and math classes were where I was placed. She never paid much attention to me, and it seemed at the time, she gave me less attention than the other students . . . However, looking back, I'm not sure that's true. Anyway, I always felt she harbored resentments at me because I didn't do well in the other classes, and she must have figured I was just lazy or whatever, that I was perfectly capable but didn't want to bother doing well in those classes. Eventually however, I felt badly about my actions and I didn't want her to keep ignoring me and hating me. Eventually, I took drastic measures. My parents decided that she was not a fit teacher from my banterings about her, and went to talk to the principal about her behavior in the classroom (which was very excentric, to say the least, but never really harmful). AFter that I felt guilt all the time, and she one time had a student come up to me and criticize me right in her presense, accusing me of doing something bad by going to the principal. I couldn't bear the meanness of these students who liked her and her weird ways.

So I began to try to do everything I could to get her attetion . . . Talking to her and crying to her and telling her I thought she hated me all this time and that I was sorry . . . She told me she didn't hate me and forgave me (nothing came of the talk with the principal other than she stopped doing some of the eccentric things, which saddened me). So then I started to like her. I started to like her a lot . . . At first, I longed to be her friend, and though she still scared me, she fascinated me as well. Well, my feeling for her both scared and fascinated me. She was generally nice to me after that, at least at first. But it was the end of the school year.

In sixth grade, I still went to visit her, craving attention from her and trying to make up for the past. Then I started to get new feelings, like I wished she was my mother, because she was pretty and different and fun to be around, and she wasn't as extreme in moods as my mom, or so she seemed. I had another big talk with her, because my sixth grade teacher couldn't 'stand the fact I kept going on and on about feeling sorry for being bad to this teacher when I was in her class. And after this talk, when she hugged me . . . I developed new feelings. I felt like I loved her and wanted to be her lover. This happened over time, not right away, but her hug changed everything for some reason. I began visiting her, and drawing her in a comic book I made up in sometimes a very sexual and provocative way, though at first it was depicting her with a male teacher or something like that.

As the years went on, this wore on. I kept fantasizing about her and I being together and doing sexual things that I probably shouldn't have been thinking about at such a young age regardless of the fact that she was the same sex as me. I isolated myself from my friends and family; my peers thought I was crazy and disgusting for wanting to have sex with a female teacher. I come from a small town so any homosexual behavior or thoughts weren't excepted very well, nevermind atypical ones like I was having. I was very outspoken for my love of her as well . . . Counselors and teachers began to think she had abused me, but that was not the case. Or that I had been abused at home, which was also not the case. I told them I knew that my mother had been abused at a young age by her father, and that I had been aware of it sincer I was about four, but that didn't seem as substantial to them. They kept trying to figure out why, I was acting the way I was, but couldn't. I went to therapy, I went through a lot. I moved in with my Gramma for a time, but that didn't help things. There was a lot of stress there with her daughter and other grandchildren also living there. I kept thinking of this teacher and imagining one day we'd be together and everything would be perfect.

Eventually, this teacher, who was having problems of her own, responded by telling me I had to leave her alone. (All this time I'd been visiting her, etc. She'd give me a hug sometimes, a gift once . . . she kept feeding me with this, and never once did she tell me "Laura, you can't think of me this way" even though she must have known full well what I was thinking, since it was all over the school. I was never one to keep anything to myself, and since I couldn't deal with it, I was constantly looking for someone to accept me and understand me . . . though I didn't find anyone in my peer group, but was in counseling, which still didn't help much. I didn't want to help myself at that time.

I went crazy after that. She had to get a in-school restraining order on me to keep me away from her. According to her, I kept appearing around her at times when I shouldn't, and my behavior was inacceptable: I had my mom drive by her house once, my gramma on another occasion; I called her house and hung up several times over the course of two years. In some ways it was inacceptable, looking back. But at the time, I had no idea what I was doing was wrong . . . I didn't know what stalking was, but here I was a 13-year-old being accused. All I knew was I needed to be near her; to be accepted and loved by her. Eventually, I went too far and blew up in anger at her in front of a roomful of schoolkids. That was the last straw. I got suspended. However,my feelings did not subside so quickly. I wanted an explanation from her of why? WHY? Why had this happened, and why did she let it happen?

My feelings would not subside and I had a desire to talk to her, make things right . . . It wouldn't fly. She wouldn't talk to me. She had problems of her own with her son . . . Eventually, in my sophomore year, I learned that her son had committed suicide. I felt bad, but had never known she had even had a son, not for sure anyways. I thought we had been close, and for a while, I thought she was lying about the whole thing with her son. My school counselor at the time tried to talk to the teacher afterwards about me, about a year after the teacher's son's death. When she did this, the teacher said something that to me, when the counselor told me, sounded like this teacher blamed her son's suicide on me: I kept her from putting attention on her son and now he was dead . . . I could not forget that, and it haunts me still. The counsellor had been reluctant to tell me this bit, because she must have known I would take it so hard and probably out of context. But the counsellor could not tell me if the teacher meant different or if she was just still upset from her son's sudden death . . . So I still hold guilt for something I never did to this day . . . I still feel in some way I AM partly responsible for this woman's son's death, for exactly the reason she said. I know I shouldn't, but I do . . . Why had she even let her world revolve around me, even for so short a time? I had a lot of questions, and no answers.

Eventually, after many failed efforts of my own to contact this teacher and after a near arrest after calling her up at home and demanding she speak to me, I began to let go of her . . . I realized it would never happen, that we'd never speak again never mind be lovers. But still, it was almost 8 years for me to finally realize this, and not so long ago was when I finally got over it.

But after her, I had a boyfriend. A high schooler. I had gone through many sexual phases: considering myself bi, gay, straight, then gay, then bi, then straight again. However, I had established myself by the summer of '98 to be mostly straight. I had had a vague attraction for him for a little while, but I feared going out with him because he reminded me of myself . . . in appearance, and how I was when I was younger. But I figured I'd give the relationship a try.

It's been hard, but we've managed to make it through a lot. I realize now, that he probably has a lot of the same codependency issues that I have . . . and that's probably what the attraction was. (I read that codependents usually seek out and get in relationships with others who have the same problems, making the frustration and difficulties an endless cycle.) We've broken up twice, both my choice, but the second time brought on by him. However, we've always come back to each other. I couldn't bear being away from him, and he was depressed without me, but too afraid to ask me back out. I figure now, maybe we can get help together to make our relationship better and healthy. He seems willing. (TAlking to him on a messenger now . . . ) But that's not the end. We've been together for 3 years, not counting the 8 months we spent apart when we broke up, and I would like us to continue the relationship because we love each other, despite the problems we have.

When I started college, I was still in the relationship with my boyfriend, but I became enamored of a math professor I had . . . again, it started out where I just wanted to be his friend, and then a true infatuation began with him. He was foreign, charming, and he seemed to be taken with me . . . There were no boundaries, just as there hadn't been with the female teacher. I even went so far as to really become his friend, and he seemed to accept it. Thing was, he was married. He and I shouldn't have gotten so attached to each other. It's debatable if he ever was attracted to me romantically, but it is certain he cared for me more than he should have whether friendly or otherwise. We spent time outside of school together as two couples (me, my boyfriend, him and his wife.) His wife isn't much older than I am, though there's a big age difference between him and her. So I got along pretty well with her, and we had a lot in common. And of course, I had a lot in common with him. So we grew close . . . I even went to his house with my friend once.

But then last fall, things started to change. I felt him growing too close,and though in my mind I loved him and wanted him to love me, I wasn't about to put myself in a situation where we may go beyond our friendship into having an affair. And I was torn: I loved my boyfriend, I loved this teacher, but I didn't want to ruin his job, his family or my relationship with my boyfriend. I had a breakdown. I began distancing myself from him . . . it was slow, but the cravings were always there of wanting to see him, etc. And in December of last fall, it seemed he had a renewed interest in me again, after it had wanned some. (We had been pretty cold and hostile to each other between Oct. and Dec.) So in the months of Jan. through Feb. of this past year, things seemed to perk up and I just went with it, fantasizing that somehow we'd be together this professor and I, and things would be fine. My relationship with my boyfriend obviously suffered, and he gave me signs he wanted to break up with me, so I did knowing he couldn't go through with it himself (He's not good at making decisions, let alone difficult ones . . . and I understood that long ago.) So we parted for two weeks . . .

The professor and I were in a dance class together, and he was the instructor. There was a presentation we were asked to put on and we did .. . AT the presentation, we did a couples dance together. In some ways for me, it felt like it was going to be our "last dance." His wife was very pregnant by this time, and as her due date came nearer, I realized that I'd have to distance myself further, even though I didn't really want to, I still wanted to hold on (at least in part.) I hoped we could go back to being the friends we were, if not anything more. I began slowly to accept that we could be no more than friends EVER. That I couldn't live in a fantasy world were we were lovers, since we weren't in real life and could not be in real life. (I always realized that in real life we would never be lovers, but even though, I hoped sometime in the future—LONG in the future—maybe that would change, but didn't want ot make things harder for him or me for the present.)

I decided that I wanted to be back together with my boyfriend, and he seemed to, too. He got so depressed and isolated when I broke up with him the first time, and this time it was the same, though he had given clear signs he wanted me to call it off. So we started going back out.

Since the fall when things had changed, I'd began acting differently around him: cruel, at times; childish, jealous, pouty. I had even started doing this in my real life outside him, too. It was all due to the bitterness and resentment I had in our relationship (me and the professors) and the fact it couldn't be better or what I wanted, or even what he wanted. He grew angry with me for my actions at this point, though I didn't realize it until just recently, though I always figured I did. My point was to make him angry . . . to make him FEEL something. (He is a very unemotional person, always hiding his emotions.) I also wanted him to not like me as much, so that we would be better able to distance ourselves. And it worked, but I was sad that he was often mad at me and ignored me so much. I didn't want it to be so unfriendly . . .

During the summer, we had no contact. I was fine with it at first, because I was also mad at him and still harbored those bitter feelings. But in the middle, I began to miss him and wondered what I could do to save whatever it was we could save of our relationship. I gave him a birthday gift at the end of summer, and things seemed to perk up . . . for a week or so. Then things went downhill with the old resentments resurfacing; his baby was now a few months old, and his wife had been increasingly distant to me ever since that fall of 00, when it was obvious that he had more feelings for me than he should. I never kept my feelings well hidden, even from him, but everyone just thought I had a crush on him, like many female students before me. Although I'm sure a few faculty must have wondered about us, even if there were no rumors.

We had a blow up this September. HE told me he could not emotionally support me or let himself become emotionally attached to any student . . . I cried and was upset, but I knew it to be true, that he'd become TOO attached, and that's why he was telling me this. I wrote him a long letter telling him almost everything about how I felt, how I didn't want him to leave me like the fifth grade teacher did, without getting into too much detail. I even told him I loved him, though I explained it wasn't sexual (though it had been, I couldn't admit that to him) AT that point, I felt like I still loved him, but not as I had; I loved him without the sexual part of it. I had been keeping myself distant, as did he before this happened, and his wife made it clear she was jealous and did not want us as close as we were. She hardly spoke with me since fall of '00, when dance started. (That was one of the reasons this closeness with him happened, I feel. We danced well together, like we had a bond. She saw that from the beginning.) I'm sure the note to her husband was only fuel for her jealousy and anger with me. Things simmered for a while until December.

I had my final goodbye in a sense to him all planned: I'd give him CHristmas gifts, and some for his wife and child, and that would be it. WE'd be done. OUr relationship over. Dance would be all we'd have left, but even continuing that despite how much I'd grown to love folk dancing was up in the air at that point. However, it didn't happen as planned. I got upset, as I knew I would, and I thought I handled it well by leaving the room. However, one of the other dance members saw me, and informed the professor of my crying. In some ways I wanted him to come out, and some ways I didn't. I thought he'd resist the urge to come to my aid, considering what he'd told me about being "unavailable emotionally" with me. However, he came out and talked to me and would not leave me, even after his wife (who was also part of dance) insisted he come back in . . . Even when I told him to leave me, he wouldn't. I ended up getting him angry, as that was the only way I could see to get him to leave me . . . and then I had another breakdown.

He said he couldn't accept the gifts, and left them in the auditorium where we danced. I told my friend to give them back to him, because I didn't know what else to do. She did. I thought all was well . . . for a while. He said he wanted me to leave him alone. I was afraid of what that meant, and in some ways I was relieved, but needed to know what he meant: leave him alone for the moment, or forever?

Two days later, I was at the school for a party. He came in . . . I didn't want to go, but my boss insisted I shouldn't center my life around upseting him. (I work at the school cafeteria.) So I stayed,knowing and fearing his reaction when he came in and saw me. He didn't react when he finally came in, just gave me a not-so-well masked look of sadness with anger. (Usually he wears his mask so well . . . ) HE left then came back with a box full of my gifts, just as I was getting ready to leave . . . HE simply said, "I'm sorry . . . I can't." and walked away. At first I was scared to think he'd bought me something, but when I opened it I realized, and felt hopeless about what to do next. I asked him if we could talk as he made his way back to the door . . . he said sure. We talked . . . at first, he seemed as though he would cry. I fear that . . . It's like seeing some wall crumble down before you. IF he cried, then I would cry, and we'd look like fools in front of all the faculty and then the rumors would fly . . . (They were all there for the dinner.) why he chose to talk to me there, I can't fathom. But it seems the cafeteria made him comfortable to talk, maybe because it was so public. At first, we just sat there, and he looked so sad and said why he couldn't accept the gifts. I told him that I was sorry for making him angry two days before, that I didn't mean what I had said in quite the way he'd taken it. I just told him that I wished he hadn't come out to talk to me. He seemed to get angry at me then . . . he started going on and on . . . item after item of things I'd done to make him upset and how he thought I was immature, selfish and controlling. How I'd made him angry by something I'd done back in February and how he'd been angry all summer and was glad to have a summer "Ariella-free". I was heartbroken, but I knew he was right. I had been acting that way in front of him. I reiterated what I'd said to him two days before about not knowing how to be in front of him. His answer to that then was to be myself. His answer to that now was nothing. "Surely he knows that's not the real me, " I kept thinking . . . IF he had thought me like that all along, he would have never gotten so close. If he had thought that all along, I'd probably be better off now.

I realized that even though he didn't say it . . . that he didn't like the way I was being now, but had liked how I was before. (He did say a lot about things I never though he'd ever say to me . . . I'll give him credit there, things I thought beyond his inability to handle emotions.) It seemed he wanted me to try to be different, be like before . . . but that came with a price. I told him that I, too wanted things as before, but I meant only in the respect of our friendship. with him, he didn't say anything in how he wanted me to be. My friends say that he seems me to want me to fluff up his ego again, like I used to. I don't know. He didn't say, so I can only guess. I was hoping he meant what he said in hopes I would change my ways, but I'm not sure to what end.

However, I knew he was right. I was bitter and reacted by being childish, moreso than I had ever been. But in a way, I was also making up for the time lost doting on the other teacher when I was a teenager. I want to make up for those years. But that didn't mean I should have treated him like I id . . . but I told him I didn't like the way he ignored me when "certain" people were around . . . all he said to that was "I'll work on it . . . " We sounded more like lovers having an argument than a teacher and student talking . . . or even two friends talking. I didn't get to tell him much more of how I didn't like his recent behavior: the mean teasing, the ignoring, the irritation that was apparent even with his mask. In part, this had grown out from the distancing I had initiated, his new attitude. And my new attitude resulted from his new attitude. So it was clear to me at least, both of us had to change if a semi-personable relationship between us was going to even exist anymore . . . And that's how it ended, with him telling me he'd see me next year, and have a good holiday . . . I asked him about leaving him alone, and he told me that he didn't mean forever . . . and said I was welcome to come to dance still, and he hoped to see me there, it seemed.

It's like, in some way I feel, that dance, his folk dancing group is his way of keeping me from completely letting go. I go now because of the dance, not him. I started out going because I wanted to do somethign for him: when no one else attended, I did. The group has since been small, only me, him, and two or three others including his wife from time to time. In one of his rantings, he blamed me for driving people away . . . I don't know how he saw that. We were both responsible. Neither wanted to share. His intimidation, my jealousy. It's as though he wouldn't take responsibility for anything. The reason I tried to control dance was because he didn't seem like he wanted to be at the healm any more, so I took up the slack. one of the dance members often told me that the professor didn't seem interested in doing it anymore. So I felt I had to keep it going, and that's why I took on so much responsiblity and controll. When I told him that during our talk, he didn't have a reply. He knew that at any time, all he had to do was tell me he didnt' want me to doing that and I would have stopped. And at the first sign way back when that he did want me to stop having so much control, I did stop. (He never told me, just gave me non-verbal signs.) But of course, he didn't say that. HE made it sound like I had just kept going with it, full storm ahead. He made me feel like I did something against him, instead of doing something to save dance and to get more people involved. And I was successful for a short time, when I actually had the opportunity to teach the class, we had the most people there. But when he came back, it had dwindled despite my efforts to bring my dancers back. Eventually, I gave up. You can only ask people to come so much before they get annoyed with you . . .

So now, I'm realizing that I will probably need to let go of him, nad it will be hard, because unlike the fifth grade teacher, he is unwilling to let me go. And me, in some ways, I still want to remain on friendly terms with him, on the very least. So where do I go from ehre? I can't say. That's up in the air as of right now. The semester doesn't start for another 20 days,s o I have plenty of time to decide.

With my boyfriend, things are going well. WE have our difficult moments, but we conqure them. He is willing ot look into getting help with our codependency issues. That's good . . . I hope we can move through this.

I hope to remain friendly with the professor, but not like it was. I realize that can never be again. I hope we get to talk further and in a different light. I have a feeling that he will approach me soon after I get back to classes, either for good or evil. I want to continue attending dance for dance's sake. I love dance. I do not want us on bad terms for the rest of the time I'm attending classes there . . . I hope it will work out.

I'm sorry for the long post . . . I hope that some people took the time to read it and I'm open to any advice anyone may have in where to seek out help for codependency or advice on what to do with the professor, etc.

It was hard to fit almost 11 years of my life into one post, but it's sort of good to get it all out at once and to take steps into better understanding the way I am and why I have done what I have, and why I feel the way I do . . .

I'm glad there is someplace like this where people like us can turn to . . . I've felt very alone most of my life in this. Even with my mom, she was never like me in the cases of being infatuated with those she couldn't have like I have with the fifth grade teacher and the professor. I wish my counselling days had encouraged me to seek help in a codependency group, instead of trying to diagnose me as being OCD and whatever. It's as though this is the only thing they missed. And it seems so blindingly obvious now . . . I mean, I still have questions, like why did I become codependent to people who I could never actually be in a real relationship with like I wanted? I guess in time I will be able to better understand that part of it . . . I'm guessing that becoming like that over people who are in some way inaccessible is less painful than being in a real relationship. THe fantasy doesn't hurt either person, unless one party wants to make it a reality. Maybe I just answered my own question . . . *quiet laugh.* Relationships certainly aren't easy.

Ariella

January 3, 2002
5:15 pm
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janes
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No...relationships are not easy...esp. the one you need to have with your SELF. You are lucky that your BF is interested in working on codependency with you.

Have no idea where you live but see if you can find a CODA group...and books on the subject.

Seek and ye shall find.

Good luck...and keep me posted.

January 3, 2002
5:27 pm
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Ariella
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Thanks for taking the time to read my VERY long post . . . *laughs.*

Thing is, I live in a very rural community, but fortunately I'm an hour's drive from two relatively large cities. So even if there isn't a group around here, I would hope to find one relatively close by. And I'll definitely get some books on the subject.

It's hard realizing that yeah, I have to learn to love myself and deal with being on my own, without depending on someone else for happiness or some fantasy world where everything is right. My mind had created fantasy worlds with those those two teachers where I could run and hide from my real problems in real life with real relationships. It gave me a false hope and a false sense of security, because I couldn't find hope and security in my life. I mean, what can be more secure than a world where no matter what you did, you considered yourself to be safe in a make-believe relationship? But I know it's not healthy now that I did that. I know that in reality, nothing could have came from that fantasy, and it's obvious that no fantasy relationship is enough, because it left me craving more. We need to be really loved and really cared about . . . And we need to love and understand ourselves first . . .

I'm an artist and people say I'm good, but I fail to see it. Recently, I've broken away from my art, found no satisfaction in it. I realize that I should get back into it. Channeling my energies in dance, art, and music are great ways of expression and building confidence. And mindset is important . . . but I realize it's not going to happen overnight. It's going to take time to change my behaviors and how I feel about myself . . . time and a great deal of effort. But I'm taking things one step at a time, because that's all I can do.

Surrounding myself with people who will not judge and bring me down is my first effort . . . such is the situation wih the professor. Also, broke off two other unhealthy friendships . . . I felt bad, because they were friends I'd had a pretty long time, but I knew I did was right.

And I know ultimately, I will need to move out of my parents house. Their situation is unhealthy for me to be around . . . but that's going to be a big problem monetarily, etc.

Definitely will keep you posted . . .

January 3, 2002
7:25 pm
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Molly
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First be nice to your parents, it may be unhealthy what you see, but none the less, your ok. You learned co-dependency from your parents. I really think we are in an evolutionary process as a society and world. It wasn't all that long ago that we women were just property, so going from slave to co-dependent makes some sense doesn't it. We were not supposed to be self centered, and now that we are not, its a dis-ease.
I hope this makes sense to you. The main thing is to learn to like you, be alone with you, make you happy, and not dependent. its hard to change decades of behavior over night, yet that is what we need to do to survive today, other wise your high maintaince, or co-dependent, or needy, or..... There are several books you can read, and lots of stuff on line. its not like your contagious, and it is going to take some time. Learning that a man is not your world, or that you should be dependent on him for your completeness, and guess its going to move into financial support, or any emotional support, is going to make it hard to figure out marriage for your generation, more like it was intended in the beginning, for procreation, and business, like a real partner ship. these are just my observations. But your going to be ok

January 3, 2002
9:26 pm
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caitlin
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Dear Ariella,

Hi. Your story was very relative to mine. It was as if I was reading my own book in parts. I want to leave you my aol address so that if you would you could write to me and give me yours so that we could chat about some of the things that you had written. I left mine so that you didn't have to display yours over the big screen. I hope to hear from you soon. Thanks for sharing. You helped me put alot of things into perspective tonight. Thanks. You really never know or even think that other people really experience the exact same things that you do.

My email is [email protected] or [email protected]; whichever works best for you.

You are very brave and wise. You have a good head on your shoulders. And I hear the artistry in you just by reading your writing. You are going to do great things. You have everything you need right inside you. I'm not sure that you have realized that completely, but I can hear it.

Hope you write. I am very interested in talking with you.

Deanne 🙂

January 4, 2002
10:07 am
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Ariella
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Sure, I'll be in touch.

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