Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
New here: I guess I am codependent
December 15, 2006
7:03 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ok...so maybe I went into self-beat up mode too quickly.

"It has nothing to do with your images...I will look at them when I get
time. Thanks for understanding.
-D"
A note to self and the world, I want my spirituality and confidence back.

December 15, 2006
8:25 am
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You asked "What does the rest of the world do when they fear their husband's behavior too much to express any emotions with him and put walls around there heart so all they feel is hate for him? "

For me, I faced my fear when I was ready and did it anyway. What do you have to lose beside your fear? It took me a few years to get up the courage to be honest. It is becoming easier daily. If I can't be who I am, then that destroys me.

I hope others here can be of support too.

December 15, 2006
10:53 am
Avatar
anyone other than me
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi,
I just want you to know that you're not alone, artist girl.
-aotm-

December 15, 2006
11:02 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mj,

Would your husband hurt you physically or emotionally abuse you if you said what you wanted to say?

"What do you have to lose beside your fear?"

Ummm...my power in a situation. Do you really think that it is safe be honest and shead you emotions with someone who plays head games and uses physical abuse?

Hmmm....maybe he will never do it again, but how can I tell?

This is his tool of power and control.

This is why I feel like I can never let my guard down and my heart out of its holding box after three incidences of physical abuse.

I don't know if I can stand to live a non-emotional life because my emotions are such a huge part of me.

"What do you have to lose beside your fear?"

OK...I do think this applies to doing my 4th step, because I am seriously scared to death of doing it and I don't have anything to lose besides the fear.

December 15, 2006
11:30 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks aotm

Personal inventory here I come. Man, help me make it through this weekend: my husband is home.

When will they call me back to set an appointment for marital counseling.

Man, I don't know how to be wioth someone especiallu when they are needy and difficult, went I have to do hard work on myself like a 4th step.

Sheesh, it was easier to answer questions about all the rotten things I did eating disorder wise then I think answering up to codependency will be.

And, i have my final projects and my baby sitter is doing some sort of disappearing act. Hello?

Did I do something wrong? Or is she 13 and forgot or something? She acts like whe doesn't know how to call on the phone. I only really am able to set up appointments if i run into her in the lobby or she answers the phone. If I leave a message, it is like I never called.

How am I going to do this on my own own?

Why can't I be close to MY family? They would pick me up if my car broke down...or whatever...after I got separated and had no one to rely on.

I tired and my head hurts. I don't want my relationship and my problems. Can't I just have a vacation from them?

Yeah...we all want that right?

December 16, 2006
2:42 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I use to think he would hurt me physically because of some stories his previous step children shared while I was layed up in bed from my surgery. Then one evening when he took me out for New Years in my wheel chair, he dumped me in the street. He blamed me for trying to keep myself safe by jumping as I felt the chair going over. Lots of head trips when I was extremely physically vulnerable.

I was so fearful that I asked my sister to come. We went to the police station trying to find out if what the step daughters said was true about him abusing their mother. He has never layed a hand on me, but when he is drunk I worry he will. My fear.

In your case if he has physically abused you .... You need to trust yourself to get to a safe place soon.
Do you still fear he will abuse you?

December 16, 2006
6:54 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hello...trust issues.

I don't get it. If someone seriously wrongs you, then don't you have right to never trust them again?

OK...I know I am going all black and white...and super extreme, but...ok...I don't know what my problems is really. nevermind.

I felt like I was going to barf all morning because I feel so anxious around T. When we left the house to go do errands and take our son to a farm, I suddenly felt better. Hah! He can't slam me into a door or call me nasty names in public without looking REALLY bad...so the trust goes up.

I am just scared to be alone with him is all.

He is being super nice and telling me he is a new changed man and what not.

Is he trying to lure me in?

Am I going to end up like the woman who got her jaw broken at the women's center if I trust him again. They keep saying how physical violence escalates and how if the abuser thinks you are going to leave they either up the violence or up the apologies and niceness.

Well, what the heck...no matter what he does he is in trouble. If he is nicer, that means he is luring me back into the relationship and will probably continue the controlling escalted behavior.

COME ON!

This is so unfair and so confusing. What if he did decide to change and really, really did and wasn't just following the path of an abuser?

How the heck would I know?

How the heck am I supposed to feel safe?

help. There is this no matter what he does, he is out to get me feeling with the information on the domestice violence.

Unless...we go to a therapist who tells him he needs personal counseling and then he does that.

Trust...security...safety...issues.

I feel psycho.

What if D is the same way, but I just don't know it?

OK...so I don't think I am bi-polar anymore. How about paranoid schitzophrenic or something.

The men of the world are out to get me...and maybe the women too. 🙂 I have to laugh at myself. That is absolutely ridiculous.

I feel kind of dumb. Accusing chico of being an internet troll.

Hi...I trust...who?

I am scared of my home environment. Maybe if I had a body guard or 24 hour servalence cameras recording my house hold to make sure my husband doesn't treat me bad.

That is ridiculous. Why can't I just feel safe? It is my house...I feel sad now. That just isn't fair.

I wish everybody got to feel safe.

D's mom thought that he came over to my house...I feel too sickly inside to continue. This is the way I feel when I think about writing my 4th step. Like my life is going to be over if I reveal some yucky truth that I don't want to know.

Like what if D coming over a lot when we were dating means that he was controlling? And what if all I am thinking right now is that controlling equals T and abuse?

I am so scared and fearful and ridiculous right now.

Uff...I got to work on my finals.

Oh...doing my 4th step makes me feel really unsafe...and I feel that way in general...so the fear of my safety going away just bursts exponentially.

Maybe...thinks with T could work out if I lived in a restaurant...men never want to make a scene and scream at you in a restaurant...but what if it wasn't busy enough all the time.

I want to live in a public place...maybe in the mall eatery...that is the place I plan to go if things ever get ugly and I have to make a quick get away.

I hope you don't mind if I take a hot bath over here...and I would like an order of Texas bbq and a couple California rolls from the sushi place.

Wow...so I feel so freaked out around my husband that taking a hot bath in a mall eatery seems comforting. Someone would save me if things went wrong...911 or the mall security guards. I would be ok.

I would have the general pubic. They would not let things get out of hand.

Did I ever tell you how I got mastitis and had a very high fever and could barely function? T took me to the ER. They gave me IV antibiotics and fluids. They said that if I had a fever over 102 the next morning that I should come in for more IV treatment.

Well I did the next day, but instead when I could barely move, did T take me back in?

No, he was worried about his job. He took our son to the daycare and left me there. I couldn't drive the snowy mountain pass an hour into town to the ER.

I called my friend desparate for help. She told me that husbands should handle that type of problem, but offer to watch our son...umm...he was already at the daycare.

So I laid there half delirious and sweated through sheets and blankets wondering if I would be ok.

I think I should have called 911...ah..you really see things so much more clearly later.., but instead I laid there because I was so taken back by the refusal to give me help my husband and friend.

I guess it probably would have taken me a couple days to die anyway. What am I complaining about? I sweat that fever right out and was able to drive to the doctor the next day to get antibiotics.

He was tired. I am always afraid when he is tired.

He was tired when he wouldn't get up with our son after I had been awake for 72 hours straight. He told me he would take from 4:30 am on.
He didn't feel like it anymore. So I hit the door with my fist. I felt like I was going to pass out from exhaustion. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't help me.

Or let's see. How about how I would go and try to chip the ice for the drive way with little Thomas only three months old in the stroller in a bunting while T rested from playing 6 hours of video games all night?

He refused. I was always afraid that I would fall when I was taking little Thomas to the car.

I know I was crazy and wrong that first year of marriage where I slapped him on the chest when he were fighting, the time I had a relapse and cut my leg during a panic attack, the time I dumped a bowl of ice water on him when he didn't tell me where he was going and can home at midnight, there was another icewater fight sometime in the second year of marriage, and a lot of breaking things when I was angry at him. I broke plates, and about eight items in the refrigerator...including a costco size garlic bottle...(that was disgusting to clean up), many bowls and glasses, an electric drill when he wouldn't help me put up the child safety stuff. I broke a bottle of cooking oil once and a cellphone when he wouldn't answer it for me when he was sitting right next to it. I broke a bowl with cereal in it when he wouldn't help me fix my computer. Sometimes he wasn't even there...most of the time...actually. I always had to clean up the messes I made in anger.

I have been angry with him since things started to seem weird when we were first married.

I was a beautiful, kind, gentle, trusting, sweet person before this. Maybe he is right when he says I am a monster. Look at all the violent things I have done in rage...even when no one was there to see it.

Is this what I am when am in a relationship?

The worst thing I did to D? Hmmm...once we almost went all the way and I felt really guilty about it and I wasn't very kind and freaked out about something and said "Ewww!" about...ok that's probably enough info so you know that I wasn't being very sensitive in vulnerable area.

And once around the time I told about been molested...it was when I was trying to sleep when I got molested...anyway, he was asleep and I put my hand up on his leg and thought about touching him. I didn't but I felt like such a guilty sicko for thinking that. I always felt really bad for even thinking that way about someone I loved.

And I think it was mean how I was so wishy washy and tried to break up with him 8 times in 2 and 1/2 years. At the end of every talk I never ended up ending it, but man I would be annoyed if someone was that freaked out about commitment. That really doesn't make it feel very safe in a relationship. I was a mean little girl...15 or 16. I just felt really awkward like I didn't know how to tell him something was wrong and instead I should try to break up with him everything I didn't know how to talk to him.

And, I was mean and jealous of him being so smart. Always saying it wasn't fair that I had to study and he didn't...which I don't think is true anymore, but I was treating him like he had wronged me in someway by being so smart. That is kind of immature and mean.

Other than that I was really confused morally because I wanted to make out....all the time...but good mormon girls aren't supposed to do that...so it was a constant battle of "no we shouldn't" and jumping on him. Willpower? That was not happening and it had to be really hard and confusing for him because it sure was for me.

A- the guy I was engaged to from 17-18.

Hmmm...that was a weird one.

Using him to get out of my parents house and having sex with him in attempt to hurt my mother because she was practically best friends with him. I don't think he really felt wronged by that, but that isn't the best way to have a relationship.

I feel like there was more wronging on his part, but more me just being weird on my part. I felt a lot like a sex addict with him. A couple times a day is all I asked. I would come home from a break from work and have sex with him.

He would do this weird thing where he would go into anger/hermit mode and no say a word to me for a bout 3 weeks at a time. He would stay at home or be plugged into his head phones. I got fat and depressed. I felt really lost. I was always angry when he didn't come home to our appartment and went to hang out with my mom at her house instead.

He would always start talking to me and then we would start having sex again, but I didn't like it as much after he had been distant because I distinctly feel that I was being used just for sex because the conversation for 3 weeks was gone. He lives with my mom now and is still a loner and hermit.

He would do weird things like bite my arm and make teeth marks on me or give me a hicky in the middle of my forehead. i felt like he was trying to mark his territory on something by marking my body.

The last month we were together is when I freaked out. The silence had lasted 4 weeks. I cut my self and wrote in blood on the bathroom floor "why are you at my mom's house?" when he came home later then he was supposed to.

I didn't want to hurt my self again because I always feel emmensely guilty about going back to that horrible behavior so the next time he didn't come home when we were supposed to have dinner together I got out a phone book and ripped out one page per second that he was late. He came home to a room filled with phone pages on the floor.

Then I had something inside me say that I didn't want to be around someone who I started doing old psycho behaviors around, so I moved into my dad's house...hey you can do that when you are 18.

I had a couple of dumb relationships in Americorps that were mostly about sex and getting attention. When my one boyfriend ignored me, I went rollerblading to burn off steam and frustration. I started exercising when I got mad. I took some pain pills when thinks would get difficult or we'd fight. But, that was short lived because I only had 5 or so and he stold the bottle and took them himself when he felt like it.

When he ignored me for a long time, I went roller blading where it was dark and dangerous and skinned my knee. (I wonder if this is my other form of cutting myself in a way. I wandered around dark places in the ran when I was upset that I went to far with T when I was dating him after this big huge repentance process with the bishop...some sort of strange self loathing)

Anyway, I told him I was made that he was ignoring me when he put a bandaid on my knee.

His americorps team went away from where we were stationed for a day or two a week. All he wanted to do was play video games with his guy friends when he would get back. Another guy was giving me a lot of attention and I kept telling him I had a boyfriend.

Once when I was really mad at Da-- (my boyfriend) I met up with the other guy and we started talking and he comforted me over my "mean" boyfriend ignoring me. He was very sly and told me he needed to get something from his room and asked me to come with him. Bi-- gave me a hug to comfort me in his room, but then it turned sexual.

This was the most disturbing 2 week relationship I have ever had. I don't know why I went along with his advances. I feel like I just when into sexual mode...it seemed to make the pain and loneliness go away. I didn't even really like him.
I never wanted to have sex with him that is for sure. Without being to elicit, ummm...he did some sort of a switcheroo with his hand and since he wasn't well endowed I didn't even know we were having intercourse.

I was so angry especially because my right to a condom was waived (and I got HPV), but somehow I thought that this meant we were committed because I didn't have sex with just any

December 16, 2006
8:11 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OK so I think I just started my 4th step inventory here. Hmmm...ok..why not?

My husband came back so I was in the middle of a thought when I quit. Oh well.

And...I hope I don't gross anyone out with my posts.

I think it is growing up with a nurse who discussed labor and delivery and gynecology subjects at the dinner table when she came home from work.

Does anyone think it would be weird to apologize to D about my insensitivity during that privatge moment we had?

I do. or maybe I am horrified at the thought of bringing it up and embarassed and...it is hard to make amends and apologize in the first place and....yeah, it is just weird.

I can apologize and have about the immature jealousy thing about the academics. No problem right?

December 16, 2006
11:17 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Anyway, back to my weirdness with Bi--.

Or maybe not. Over and over again if a man touchs me I think I belong to him...is that wierd or what?

In junior high I like a boy and he grabbed at my boob in the hall way. I became his girlfriend.

Most girls would not think that was cool and would not become his girlfriend, right? or wrong?

I had another boyfriend in junior high and went to visit my cousin in Nevada. I was sitting next to this guy she knew in the back of the car she was driving around. I was very loyal to my boyfriend, but I didn't know how to say no to him when he put his arm around me so I started babbling on and on about my boyfriend thinking he would get the idea.

He breathed on my neck and from that point on...well it is hard to describe...it is like because it felt good or sexual...I felt like it gave him permission to me, but logically it doesn't make any sense.

Then he kissed me. I let him...it is like I go into this mode. It is nothing I wanted, but my body reacts so I think the rest of me better follow suit.
My body feels sexy. Sex means commitment. I am his now....WHAT?

How can my brain work like that? Did getting molested make me weird or different...do other girls or women feel the same way?

I ended up getting raped by this guy when I was 14 and couldn't figure out what made me "cheat" on my junior high boyfriend.

If anybody can turn me on I am their's for the taking?

What? That is not how it works.

I thought I had to marry this guy because of this. Because sex=marriage. I hated him, but I thought I had to be his.

What warped my brain?

So Bi-- he breathes on me and strokes my back. I had no intention of cheating. I feel like men push some sort of a preform sexual acts button and I do even if I don't plan on it...what the hell?

So then Bi--becomes controlling because he think I will go back to my boyfriend.

He says some nasty and inappropriate stuff to me in front of some friends about me sexually then I get mad and try to walk away because he has crossed a line. No please I want to talk...he keeps following me. He grabs me and carries to me to his room. I am trying to get away from him the whole time, but laughing nervously as I am trying to kick my way free. He takes me to his room and talks to me. I put on a smile and talk and even put my hand on his shoulder to sooth him.

I tell him I need to get ready for something and need to go very casually. When I leave I walk down the hall. Then I turn the corner and sprint to my room and lock it.

I have quite a few bruises on my arms.

I avoid him and try to make sure I never see him again. I go back to Da-- telling him how aweful I am and that I cheated and that I am covered with bruises, he takes me back.

R--, he was a short sexual fling. I was a secret girlfriend this time. He didn't want anyone to know we were together. We were just friends to everyone else. Did I wrong him? no, I just kept trying to visit him because I was really confused to whether or not I was really his girlfriend.

After that I had no relationships because I repented and started going to school in Utah.
Nobody is supposed to be impressed by sexual prowess. They are all impressed with the most virtuous girl who has a thin mother that she will look like some day and that she is willing to bear all of their children and be very perfect.

Duh...I can't be sexual. I am confused.

I go to therapy when I move to San Francisco. I am still being "good". The therapist tells me I need to go on dates instead of becoming someone's instant girlfriend.

I am so put together during this time. Virtuous, kind and friendly.

I go out on 32 dates that year without having a relationship or a kiss or sex. I decide I am going to move back to Utah and find a Mormon man because I am bewildered by the 5,000 different cultures and people I have dated and don't know if I can handle them. Like the persian man who talked about marriage on the second date...wha?
And how he would put me through school if I stayed in San Francisco. A little too quick.

And right before I left...I had a disaster relationship. Agressive Peruvian. I set boundaries just like my counselor tells me to until he says he wants to break up because I am leaving soon. I am sad and weepy. I never invite the boys up as ordered by my therapist, but my girlfriend says that everyhthing will be ok if I do when he says he wants to talk things through and return a ring that kept slipping off my finger when he were dancing on one of our dates.

We talk, but then he doesn't want to go home. We start kissing, but I tell him I don't want to go any further. My girlfriend who is in the next room says it is so late that he should just stay. She is one of those super good girls so I figure she must know what she is talking about. There and two beds in the room. My bed is on the ground. He lays next to in because he wants to look at me he says. Later he gets too friendly. I move to the other bed. He leaves me alone. In the morning after my friend leaves, he comes over and forces his hand down my pants and sexually assaults me. I scratch up his hand, but I can't get away.

Do I ever know how to pick them?

The first guy I find in Utah An--, I am warned about by my roommate that he is bad news. He sweeps my hair off my neck and breathes out to tell me a secret. that should have been a clue...that he is one of those. He pushes my sexual button...what I have to turn into an automaton. Yes, I am yours now.

I was a secret girlfriend again never knowing I meant anything to him. On Christmas break...well I am back to "bad" news and with a mormon boy.

When we get back from Christmas break he breaks up with me.

A couple months later I meet T.

I came over when I was sick once...I thought I could trust him. But he is just a horny guy who doesn't care what I am or who I am. I let him touch me even though I am so hurt that he would take advantage of me when I felt so sick and weak. I let him lay on top of me on the couch.

My heart is broken thinking about it. I've talked to him about it several times and he has said sorry, but it still lives in my heart.

Now I can look back and see where I was a monster.

I wasn't a monster with D. awkward but not a monster. Not cutting myself and breaking things in reaction to the hate and anger inside.

What if I just belong alone?

What if last month is the last time I ever have sex?

Any why did sex become painful when I got married?

Why did I become horribly ill when I got married?

Oh...sleep.

December 16, 2006
11:24 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mj,

I am really confused about that. Will he or won't he?

He has, but will he change...is he through?

That must have be scary to be dumped out of a wheel chair.

I hope he is treating you kindly and your relationship is fair and open to suggestions and communication.

Were you just in a wheelchair after surgery or are you still in one?

I hope you are ok.

Sometimes, I feel like maybe I could give him one more chance...because he hasn't said anything mean lately and has been trying really hard.

December 17, 2006
8:12 am
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Only you know your answers AG

I am walking, talking, and breathing easier these days. I am dealing with life just as you are. One day at a time.

December 17, 2006
4:46 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mj,

hey I guess that is true. I can handle today.

I am glad you have your bodily strength.

I am sorry to hear about your husbands drinking and the problems it causes.

Interesting how he didn't touch it...that drink.

I wonder what his intention is when he is hitting you with shopping bags in the bum and what not.

Maybe if he is just being boyish and want your attention...there is another way to handle it...

Have you read that book about love languages?

I don't know what language this would be, but I think my love language is emotional safety and kindness...

words of affirmation
acts of service
quality time
receiving gifts
physical touch

maybe it falls under quality time...

I guess I was thinking he might be trying to get one of these languages fullfilled.

Here's a link.
http://www.fivelovelanguages.c.....learn.html

Just a guess...was this unsolicited advice?

I can hardly stop my self. Is making suggestion on different books unsolicited advice?

Oh...codependency.

December 17, 2006
4:52 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Or maybe I am just analyzing the situation and giving references for why I think what I think...I didn't say "You should read this book!"

Just trying to figure out the boundary there.

Or is it me trying to find a way to go into self-beat up.

why do i do that?

Maybe because sometimes if I degraded myself my mom would pick trying to build me up instead, but if I try to build myself up she tries to tear me down.
She really wants to be in controll of where I sit in my confidence level.

Is that weird?

December 17, 2006
10:49 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

More 4th step.

Anything that has ever "bothered"me the book said...or maybe I will examine nonsexual relationships.

Wrongs.

Li-- is the girl I knew since I was 4 and she was 2. We were best friends. I didn't ever want to do anything without her. If she wasn't going to camp, then neither was I. I always really regretted not playing soccer just because we would be on different soccer teams.

That was something I wanted to do and would have been fun, but I was scared to do anything without her. She was my next door neighbor. I would even say I wouldn't take a bath unless she came over to take one...not because I didn't want to take a bath and be clean, but because I missed Li-- and wanted to spend time with her.

She was always kind of a buffer for me between me and my mother. Li-- was absolutely wild and I was always trying to be as perfect as possible. I was amazed that my mother didn't get to smack the crap out of her for being wild and loud and crazy all the time. If I did half the crap she did, my life with my mother was extremely miserable.

I wished Li-- could live at my house because my mom didn't hurt me or scream at me in front of her...as much. I was really, really angry at Li--'s parents. Her dad would yank her hair all the time if he didn't like something she did. I wished I could save her. I think that is another reason I wanted her at my house. My mom couldn't beat me and her dad would yank her pretty brown hair and whack her with a belt.

Stupid a--hole parents. How could we both live in such crap?

I was so sad when her Catholic school didn't want me the mormon girl to attend. I wanted to be everywhere L-- was. I think we protected eachother from the world.

I was so mad when she made a new "best" friend at school. She said that it didn't change anything about us and that we would always be best friends, but it did.

She didn't know that the more time she spent with El-- that the more time my mother spent being angry at me. The more time without Li-- meant more time being slapped, shaken, drug across the room, hair being pulled, and head being hit on the walls or whatever was around.

How could she do this to me? I hated her parents. Why did they send her to that stupid Catholic school?

My only time with Li-- was when she was forced to sit at the table and do homework and during summer when we would be put in the same art classes or camps. Nice little breaks of not getting the snot beat out of me.

did I ever do her wrong? Hmmmn..,not sure, but I bit her little brother twice out of shear frustration. Once when I was 4 and once when I was 9. He was always bugging the crap out of us...maybe he was trying to escape abuse too. I got "sent home." The worst thing in the entire world to me.

I don't think I did ever purposely...other then not being able to protect her from her parents. Man I wish I could have bit her dad instead of her little brother, then she'd know that I wanted to save her.

Things she did to me. She peed on me in the bath tub once. That made me soooo mad because what was I going to do... tell on her? And get her "sent home". So later I peed in her bathtub when she wouldn't let me go to the bathroom first when I really had to go. She told her mom on me...and I got sent home. I felt so betrayed. She would pee in the sink at my house if I took to long to go. I never told on her.

How could she get me sent home when my parents basically ignored me or abused me? That is so damn cruel. I washed the bathtub out with soap, but she still ran and told on me.

I would let any rule be broken to keep her around because she was my best friend and she kept me safe, but I guess that wasn't enough for her. I was mad that I was more loyal. Come on...I'd do it for you!

I didn't think the punishment fit the crime, because life without her was torture. Did she know what she was doing? I always let her get away with murder. What I had to be perfect for her too now? When she peed on me it got in my mouth. I made a sacrifice so she wouldn't get in trouble. Her dad might have belted her for that one. I didn't tell the authorities...the parents.

Just like I don't think to call 911.

Tom called 911 on me when I hit and scratched myself. I never called 911 on him when he slammed the door on me. Stupid jerk.

I wasn't going to be a tattle tale and get someone belted. Didn't I deserve the same? I guess not.

I really hate authority figures now. Punishing people. I hate being punished.

I guess I thought if I protected people from being punished then they would protect me from being punished, but everyone is just serving their own best interests. Look, thanks for not making me be punished by telling someone and by the way that really sweetens the deal for me because not only do I not get punished, but I can keep you from doing things that I don't like by making sure you get punished it you do something I disagree with.

Life sure is cushy now, Thanks AG. I get to do whatever I want without any nasty consequences and you have to step to the line and be perfect or be punished.

Why is there such unequality...at least in my head?

Why do I get the short end of the stick? Why do others get to put out 25% effort and I put out 125% until I am taxed and bleeding?

What am I making up for? Why do i have to do extra in the relationship? I have to be extra loyal, extra good...and the other person gets to do whatever they want and always sing the "me me me" song.

I feel like the scales of justice don't apply to me. I never have enough evidence for my self to get at least equal treatment. Everyone else pays $5 and I have to pay $500 for the same thing. I have to pay with my life blood for the same ounce of love others get for free.

Sometimes I feel like I am soooooo much harder to handle that I should have to pay someone like a therapist to even listen to me. I feel like I am too much to handle for people. That I am worth-less. Worth less than Li-- was in that relationship. Worth less than T.

Worth less.

Second class citizen, a bother...I had better make up for it by doing extra because equality doesn't exist when you are buying your protection.

I gave L-- protection. I acted perfect most the time and no she didn't protect in return when I screwed up.

I will waive my boundaries if I think I can score a deal and be protected. when I am not, I am angry that I gave up so much for nothing.

D would protect me for nothing. Even if I was being a whiney pain in the butt. I got paint on my dress and said my mom was going to kill me if she found out.

My mom saw the paint. She would just shake me finger at me, but D came up with a story or something saying it wasn't my fault or something. At first I thought, "My boyfriend's a liar!"

I would only with hold the truth in and not tell what happened not fabricate something out of thin air to cover for someone. I thought you weren't supposed to lie no matter what. Withholding information...yes...that is fine....making up a story?

But I think I mentally stored that he would go to great lengths to protect me even past moral boundaries. It made me feel confused, but safe.

December 18, 2006
6:18 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am waking up a little before 6 AM to the little childhood song replaying in my head, "Taco, burrito...what's that coming out of your speedo?"

I think it must have been writing about childhood issues. Oh my. It kind of is making me laugh, but at the same time I wish my brain would move on so I could get one more hour of sleep.

December 18, 2006
10:04 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Man, is there something physically wrong with me. I wake up almost shaking (I guess I feel like I am shaking on the inside because I look at my hands and there are for the most part still) and so anxious...ok so sometimes I don't, but as soon as I think about what I should decide about my husband it starts.

Man, he kissed me goodbye this morning when I wasn't really awake. I wouldn't let him if I was conscious.

Oh man, I went to do a bunch of stuff and help my son with fixing his trains and give him breakfast.

I noticed that there are no car keys. He is such f-head. I hate him...again. He took them to work. what a a--hole. If I left him I wouldn't have to deal with this.

I made copies of the house keys...5. Now there are only 2. what the f- does he do with them?

He lost one set of the car keys and now he has the other in his pocket. He is such a f--face.

Man what an idiot. Is he trying to make things hard for me?

He called back and apologized. His good test scores and all the weird factoids he knows say nothing about his everyday intelligence.

It must be hard to be that stupid.

He wants more time to play video games and play his guitar for Christmas. Wow, I bet if I left him, he would have nothing, but time. He should have ask for a GPS.

I was feeling a lot of weird apathy, but now I am back to hatred.

He even let me take a nap yesterday. Being on good behavior like this must be torture for him. He stopped talking about religion on the way home from church and said he better change the subject. He took Thomas for most of the weekend since the babysitter ditched me for hald of this past week.

He is being soooo good. Too bad I hate him and don't trust him most of the time.

I think I will call the women's center again to set up marital counseling.

Has anybody ever hated their husband as much as me and fixed things?

There are infinite possibilities in the universe so I suppose so.

December 18, 2006
10:49 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Man, the more I hate T the more in love with D I feel. If I start feeling neutral toward T then the feelings aren't as intense for D.

Quality Time...D always spent positive quality time with me.

Negative time with me is the worse thing...the worst possible punishment in a relationship for me. T has done that.

Sometime I feel like I am attention Whore, but I don't think it is fair to call myself that. I just think I am happy when I get some attention and care from time to time. I don't want to be the star of the show really, but I like to be noticed and cared about regularly. That isn't a sin is it.

I guess I was ignored a lot as a kid. When my dad was supposed to be watching me and working from home, he would lock the office and I would just be in this big house alone. I don't know where my brother went...maybe to his friends house. I was 4 and completely alone. I was angry that my mom went to work and left me with my dad who basically let me fend for myself.

I would always just go over to L--'s house. My dad would yell at me 4 hours later when he noticed I was gone. I would ignore him because I knew if I told my mom he would be in big trouble.

You know how I don't like to "tell on" people because I think they will hold out on telling on me...I see how it doesn't work over and over again.

December 18, 2006
8:40 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I miss D. I wish I were with him.

December 19, 2006
9:03 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am so dang sad. He is trying so hard and I know the things he is doing are "sweet". As the" I filed for divorce and it hurts" post says, even if people are "sweet" sometimes you aren't meant to be together.

It is horrible to say, but I don't think he can ever do enough to get me back...and I know he will get tired soon and give up.

I am so sad. I hurt so bad. I feel so alone.

I feel like nobody wants me...even though that isn't true.

My husband wants me. I just don't want him.

I want to call D and go cry to him again, but I can't do that forever.

Why are mornings so hard and anxious for me?

I feel so alone.

I want to know how D feels about me. Then I can know if I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. Ok...so he emailed me on the 15th and it is only the 19th. Four days. Man, where is my patience level. I guess I think I need everything right now.

It is because I feel horrible RIGHT NOW. It is because I wake up every day feeling like I am going to vomit and can barely eat NOW. It is because I can't make my husband go away RIGHT NOW.

I feel like my anxiety and tension and sadness is going to kill me. I guess it would a while. I am going to look and see when I started posting.

December 19, 2006
10:54 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Nov 26th. OK...so I was 183 lbs then or maybe about a week before and I am 165 lbs now.

19 + (31-26=5) +7 = 31 days to lose 18 lbs.

Wow, I should start the latest diet fade...it is called the unhappy marriage/tons of anxiety diet. Hmmm...south beach sounds so much more appealing.

I think I need to focus on one or the other.

Maybe I am just using my love for D to distract me from the horrible feelings I have for T.

I give myself emotionally to D, but feel like it hurts too bad to give myself to my own husband.

So everytime hard emotions come up I want that closeness with D...but there are no guarantees and I could end up double heart broken just because I am trying to lessen the pain of my relationship with my husband by having a relationship emotionally with D.

My friend...actually Thomas' preschool teacher told me about how she did the same thing, but with a married man that she was sure was going to leave his wife when she was going to leave her husband.

He was so there for her when her marriage was falling apart that she was very suprised when he didn't leave his wife when she left her husband.
She refused to be the other woman, so she had to deal with double heart break.

If I think I am hurting now...what would that be like.

She told me to try to work it out with my husband and give him my emotions...and if he screws up that is more evidence that it is time to leave.

Man, he has been so mean to me that I am not excited about that.

I guess to controll all the fantasies of my knight and shining armor coming to rescue me....I need to come up with a new mantra, so both relationships don't end up doomed.

I resolve things with T.

Resolve...whether it means continue or end. I resolve things with T.

I resolve things with T.

This is what is in my best interest.

Resolving this messy relationship...making it whole or letting it go.

December 19, 2006
5:22 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Artist girl,
I haven't been online for days, it almost seems like years. We had a big storm and then a few days ago we kept getting power bumps which knocked out our home power which was just fixed minutes ago. Sorry I didn't post back to you. Just know I care, though its hectic at home right now.

December 19, 2006
7:20 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am glad to see that you are working through your feelings. Thanks for the link. It looks awesome!

December 19, 2006
9:57 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks mj,

I am so glad you are back. I was wondering where you went.

My friend who ran the emotional release school had a great book list that really helped me learn a lot.

I really love self help or improvement sort of stuff.

I would like to read the love language book that focuses on kids some time.

So you have at least 2 kids...anymore?

December 19, 2006
10:06 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My daughters are adults now. I have an adult step daughter as well. I have 5 grandchildren!

I would love seeing your book list. I am an avid reader. Can't read enough. My library consists mostly of self improvement books. I learn so much by reading.

How old is your son?

December 19, 2006
10:16 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mj,
my son is 3. So you probably have a grandchild his age.

Let's see "The Color Code", "The Dark Side of The Light Chasers"...what is it...something like..."From here to Serenity" and maybe "The seven Healing Chakras"...there are some really cool visualization in that book to do.

My husband is in my son's room where the book case is so I will have to go through at a later date.

I am getting a long with him a little better since he is sleeping elsewhere. I just really want my space!

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
21
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110976
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714261
Newest Members:
nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why.., Why.
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information