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New here: I guess I am codependent
December 2, 2006
5:29 pm
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Anonymous
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Thank you turnabout and mj.

The Gift of Fear came in the mail yesterday. Wow, i am only in a couple of pages and I already think it is pretty amazing.

I had to re-hide some of my abuse handbooks and papers because my husband suddenly decided to go throught the filling cabinet. I hid it in the very back. It wouldn't be very empowering for me if he found what I am educating myself with and badgered me about it.

I talked to a lady friend who is extremely intuitive and has a healing arts school where she does emotional release work. She gave me some ideas to work through this. I am going to write 8-10 anger pages directed toward my husband. Then I do some visualization where I imagine anger, resentment, saddness, and hurt as shapes and imagine setting them aside and then giving them to a higher power. I also will make a "video" in my head release all of my anger at him...you know, bombs, samuri swords...whatever gets the anger out of my system. Then I imagine it is on a tape and hand that over to my higher power.

I am also going to visual being in every situation with him that I felt powerless and then give myself the power. I can visualize my self with super powers or tie him to a chair in my mind when he thinks about pushing me.

It is good to have friends who have had to work through some of their pain, because sometimes they come up with great things for you to try yourself. She told me that I must forgive him and move on whether I stay with him or go so I will have peace and be empowered.

I have decide that I must have the relationship be only a friendship with my gorgeous perfect doctor friend. If I do something that makes me feel guilty, it will not be an empowering decision.

Everything I do now, I am trying to ask myself if the decision I am about to make will be an empowering one or not.

After, I finish writing my anger pages, I think I will post them here. Although, if this wasn't an anonymous site, I don't know if I would because there is some nasty stuff that I say.

But, maybe it will help someone else write anger pages of their own.

INDEPENDENCE and EMPOWERMENT!

December 3, 2006
2:12 am
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Here's my scary anger letter and emotional release stuff...I am going to call my friend tomorrow so she can help me visual releasing all of this and tying up any loose ends.

I am angry because you changed your mind and I didn’t. You renounce your religion. You renounced you kind treatment. You renounce you love. You try to make me feel like nothing. You try to ground me down. You over do it. It really pissed me off how you put me on display when you came and gave me that picnic. What was that anyway? I wanted better private love not a good outside show. Now all we have is an outside show. Give me a break. You are making me live a lie. Jerk. I want reality. You give me falsehood. You and Dugway. I don’t even know where to begin. What a disaster. Thanks for torturing me. Why did you have to keep me in the stupid desert and say stupid things to me? You putting me though school is bullshit. Eat it. I had to do something while I was being tortured. Man give me a break. You think you are so smart. Dumb dumb dumb. Why would you treat me the way you do if you were smart. Kiss my feet. And stop telling me what to do all the time. You idiot I pick you instead of Derek, but you made me believe you were my dream. If I wanted to be married to a nonmember…well I didn’t, but this is what I get…If I knew what kind of trick I was going to get, I should have just found a nonmember since that is what I ended up with anyway. You are a liar. You are false. I will never forgive you for giving me the shlub you gave me when I could have had a PHD MD who would find a residency in CA for me I know it. I would have been a princess and instead I am a doormat. Then you sic you psycho stupid family on me. Thanks for the lack of protection jerk. I could have been with a circumcised, clean, non-smelly, un-balding, beautiful kind person. Now look what I got. You tricked me you let me down. Stupid. I thought you were going to be a prestigious biochemist with a PHD but you are such a goober that you weren’t really about getting into school. Nice shitty GPA. I wanted a caring PHD who was going to do cancer research and make the world better. Why did I get a money hound dreamer? I really wanted to be married to a doctor. I am so disappointed. You tricked me with a new disappointing dream every 2 weeks. You don’t have what it takes. You are so arrogant and I believed you. The only think you have is you 800 out of 800 on logic to brag about. It never got you into any school and you didn’t say ok well I better look for other programs. I am good enough to pursue my goals. I thought you were hard-core. I thought you were an achiever. You just talked yourself up and you hate school. Come on. That is just cheap. You dumb loser. I really, really wanted to be a doctors wife and I had no idea how much I wanted that. You are a dream stealer. I wasn’t supposed to be the most educated. I can’t tell you how much I wanted you to be a doctor. I wanted you to be my Mormon Derek. You had the blue eyes and the darker hair and came from a bigger family than me. You were extremely logically and knew a lot about biology. Why aren’t you curing cancer…I am so angry. You aren’t supposed to be from poor folks living in a rich area with a crappy dysfunctional family. You were supposed to be like Derek. Never want to be around your crazy family and only want to be around me and want to support me in therapy. My family is supposed to love you just because you are wonderful. I thought you were going to be my Mormon Derek. That is why I didn’t marry Derek because I wanted a Mormon version of him. You are nothing like him. You fooled me. I didn’t even want to go out with Mr. Adonis beautiful after I figured out he was more into sales. I wanted that sympathetic biologist type. Possum living! That is a far cry. I am angry when I am around you because I feel tricked. You have ultra bizarre ideas and you drive me nuts because you are always in fantasyland. You were supposed to be beautiful and in shape and very smart and well accomplished. I wish Derek would write a how too book and that you would become what I really wanted. You think you were betrayed. I just wanted a Mormon Derek and you will never be that. You are just a loafer. You were supposed to be better sexually and be sweet and vulnerable with a hurt past and we could sympathize together and hold each other. But instead you act like I am crazy and that you are over everything and why can’t I just get over it. You were supposed to be clean and well kept and smell good. Instead I get a bad hygiene guy? That is so cheap. And why aren’t you volunteering at Stanford. I just wanted you to be him and…have the priesthood. What a joke. I don’t want you what you turned out to be. It isn’t fair to want you to be someone you aren’t but I really thought that is who you were/are. How did I not know that is what I wanted? Dang it you worked at Genentech you lead me on. I thought you were a biotech guy. You aren’t a doctor or a scientist. You are just and office boy a little engineer or technical writer. I could have been satisfied with a dentist. I wanted a humanitarian intelligent emotionally mature giving sort of a guy. Stupid gov’t contractor. I wanted you to get a job in a lab in the bay area. How could you change your mind about biotech? The stupid desert didn’t help you get there. I don’t want someone with a petty meaningless job. I want it to be exciting and hands-on and for the betterment of the world. All you care about is money. What about the greater good of the world. Where is your bleeding heart? You were supposed to be part Derek part Aaron. Humanitarian but really really smart with a computer and Internet. They were both so clean and delicious smelly you are always gross and you back is all broken out and has been for 10 years and you won’t do anything about it. You don’t even talk about doing anything and wishing you could. You don’t take care of your eyes and your health. Come on it is just gross. If you can’t live the dream that hooked me in the first place at least don’t be disgusting. Brushing your teeth everyday is a good idea…really. The back of your throat stinks and you do nothing about it. I mean you are so gross sometime it makes me want to vomit. Derek or Aaron would never let themselves get to that condition. They wouldn’t walk around blind and skuzzy teethed. I wouldn’t even like to kiss Derek if ate red onions that day. I mean I a really picky and I didn’t know how disgusting you were. If it weren’t for you trying to impress me when we went out and Jason being anal and telling you to spiff yourself up. You penis always smells disgusting. Dead gross dirt and smelly sweat trapped in your foreskin. I was really good at oral sex, but you make me want to vomit. It is absolutely disgusting. Even if you clean yourself up really good there is like a smell that is embedded in your skin. How am I supposed to be intimate with someone so disgusting? You are so gross. I had had a lot of boyfriends but no body as smelling and disgusting as you. If you love someone why would you be that disgustingly gross. You have poo stains like my brother did in his underwear. You really don’t want to impress me do you? I am so angry that sometimes I let things go too. I never let myself get all hairy like I do with you. I am pissed off. If you aren’t going to try than neither am I. How come even when I was living with Aaron. It never got disgustingly gross and filthy like it does when I am with you. Why are you so freaking disgusting? And why sex painful with you? I have never had painful sex till I met you. I think I should go have sex with someone else just to see if it would hurt with them. Not that I want to cheat just so I know if it is you. What is wrong with you? I was a sex goddess before you. I was so tempting. I even had orgasm when we made out. You know back when you brushed you teeth to impress me and showered everyday. Mr. 3 times a week. You are so gross. You sneeze bloody boogers on the wall that I have to clean up. It smells when you sneeze because of that gross smell in the back of your throat. I mean people fart…that’s one thing, but man you are gross. Are you sure you aren’t aspiring (or despiring) to be a homeless man? Then there is weight issue. You act like you don’t know that I ever had an eating disorder. I could seriously kill you over that one. You are a heartless devil. I can’t even put it into word the way you do that thing…when I say what I think would be a healthy weight for me…you say something like well if that is the way you are going to think you can’t get down to the amazing weight I would like to see you at. You think I was overweight when we were engaged. I was at a healthy weight. You want me to be anorexic. What kind of an asshole husband is that? I hate you. You have got to be toying with me. You have to want me to suffer. No one would that to me. Use my eating disorder to make me nuts. Panic is anger for me. If I could have killed you in that car that day I would have, but I’d be in trouble. I wish I could choke you and make sure you never used my past to torture me again, because you’d be dead. I said something like how Aaron would raise his hand to scare me or see that automatic cowering response. Then it doesn’t take long for him to slam a door on me. He shoves everything back in my face. He keeps trying to shove the STD think in my face. I told him when we were engaged what more does he want? It should be illegal? That is ridiculous. We hadn’t slept together what more does he want? I mean he could have called the engagement off and been done. If that is the way he felt I mean come on. Be done with me if you can’t take the heat buddy. Leave I dare you to leave. You aren’t what I want anyway and all you do it take all my money and my energy and my youth. I mean give me a break. Damn you I could have been with Derek…somehow, right? Maybe not …oh well then I would be single either way I’d be better off. Why aren’t you my Mormon Derek…how do I make myself want plain old Tom Lindsey went I hate that person? It isn’t fair to make you be someone you aren’t, but I feel that way and I don’t know how to stop feeling that way. Crap. Pam save me. How do I deal with these insane feeling and beliefs? They don’t even make sense. How do I make them go away? I kept rejecting Derek in my head because I still thought I could find him in my husband, but now that things are so bad and I can’t have my Mormon Derek…I will settle for plain old Derek or nothing. Single motherhood. I don’t want Tom Lindsey. What do I do? How do I make myself want Tom Lindsey instead of Derek? How to I force myself? I need some serious brain washing. Write down everyday…Tom is the one I want…500,000,000 until my mind succomes.
0. Underweight = <18.5 0. Normal weight = 18.5-24.9 0. Overweight = 25-29.9 0. Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater 0. , 000,000 until my stupid f-er I was at 23.9 BMI when I weighed 135 lbs. NORMAL FUCKING NORMAL I was fucking fine you dumb ass bastard go to fucking hell!!!!! Ever if I gained weight I was still normal. You dumbass fuck face. Go to Fucking Hell stupid bastard I hate your fucking guts die stupid bitch bastard. I am angry because you are ridiculous. You are a ridiculous money grubbing dreamer that isn’t interested in spending time with his son or promoting a good marriage with me. I hate you because you are depressed and lack motivation and are control driven and only want your way. Control freak. I am angry because you don’t take out the trash and hold back on implied promises without being sorry. I am angry because you are a liar. I am angry because you are cruel when I need kindness. Because you push me around mentally and physically. I am angry because you blame me. I am angry because you are late when it is important. I am angry because you act like a little baby that has to have his needs satisfied immediately all the time. I smell food I have to have it all and have to have it now. I am angry because you aren’t good at self-sacrifice and it seems like you are toying with me all the time. I am angry with you because you are you and not somebody else. I am angry with you because you respect your sisters’ opinions more then mine. I am angry because you even interact with you nuts mom. Your stupid mom is a liar crazy woman and you do nothing to protect me from her. I am angry because you smell and go into the disgusting foam home. I am anger because you prevent intimacy and are controlling about sex even when I am willing to give to you when I am in pain. It has to be perfect for you that way. Fine then you aren’t going to get any because sex is never meant to be perfect it is mean to be fun. I am angry because you give really shitty foreplay and I don’t even really want you to touch me. You really are trying to bruise my clitoris off aren’t you? You are the shittiest lover I have ever had. How did I marry the shittiest one? If we had premarital sex, I wouldn’t have married you. You just used my church to get to me and trapped into this ridiculous experience. Have fun with the stinking back massager you inept idiot. Your general lack or drive and laziness creeps into every area of our life together. You are an idiot and don’t ever take me out on dates except for 1-3 times a year. You are an idiot and want our son to be neglected. Have an 11 watch him all the time to save money…A. 11 years olds don’t want to work like slaves for crappy fees just because you want them to and it is a cheaper alternative B. an adult can give a lot more of what a child need. I know your idiot insane mother couldn’t and let all of the older kids raise the younger ones, but that is retarded and not healthy. We aren’t heathen monkeys running around wild around a moldy hut in the forest. We are real people with real needs and smart enough to provide the things that are healthy to each family member. Go to hell you little sick slob. Good time you aunt bathed you once a month so you can have some memories of being clean. Why don’t go hang out with you child molester brother, you are so forgiving and such good friends. If he ever even thinks about touching Thomas, I’d kill you both. Go rub your erection on your sister…that’s normal you freaken sicko. There was no parent in your home to give guidance. Sorry that isn’t ok. We aren’t having a home like that. Parents will be continually monitoring things to make sure kids aren’t going off course and molesting each other or electrocuting each other with 9 volt batteries or throwing set mouse traps at each other. Siblings won’t be hold one sibling down so others can punch and kick them. Little girls aren’t going to run around with their shirts off with teenager brothers around especially since they have a history of doing criminal things to them. Little kids aren’t going to go live in the shed for a week and not talk to the family and eat tuna fish out of cans out there. Your family is fucking psycho, but you pretend it is normal. I am really angry about that. And it is really weird to ask the hospital to reattach foreskin to babies when you forget to tell them you didn’t want them circumcised. And ignore illnesses and disgusting living conditions and refuse to take normal medication or think surgery is evil except for when you feel like justifying it. You are a fucking liar. You brought me into you insane dysfunctional clan without explaining. I told you my family was fucked up and just how much it was fucked up…there was your opportunity. You think I betrayed you because it only occurred to me to tell you that I had had HVP that wasn’t active anymore when we got engaged. Duh…marriage equals sex so I figured I should tell you then. I don’t have to wear a sign saying I have HVP during every date I have, do I? I guess I am a leper and should go live on an island somewhere. I would have told before we had sex at any point in our relationship because that is the responsible thing to do, but weren’t going to have sex until we got married. Sheesh betrayal would be if I told you on our honeymoon. Or after we did it. Jerk wad. Oh and how come you love money more than me can you please explain that because it really makes me mad that my well-being seems to be lower on you list. See again…anti-humanitarian. I wanted a kind and sweet person who wants to make the world a better place, but all I get is a money grubbing weasel who blames my antidepressant on our money troubles…umm…not all you Xbox crap and computer stuff. Sorry I had a thyroid condition that cost $15 a month to fill a prescription. Jerk. No anti-biotic for you next time you appendix bursts…no hospital for you it is too expensive. And thanks for not taking me back to the ER when I was burning up again and the doctor said I should come in again for more IV fluids. That’s right, you were too tired. You thought you might get fired if you didn’t go to work. That is when you tell your boss you have a family emergency…stupid. Instead, I will lay there hopeless and helpless soaking the sheets on the bed until I can get up the strength on my own to go into town an hour away to get my own antibiotic for the mastitis. Oh but you were so good because you took Thomas into the daycare for me. Wow…next time something ruptures in your body…best of luck…I think I will be tired that day and be having work related problems. Sweat it our sweetheart sweat it out. I hope you don’t die. Your excuses are completely ridiculous too. When I say that is abusive…that is right I am the crazy one. You are fucking disgusting. How do you even look in the mirror everyday. I sacrificed my sanity out on that remote army base in the middle of the desert for 3 years. It is never good enough for you is it. What more do you want? Oh I know I better arrange you salad with tomatoes alternating carrots in a spiral because that is how a salad should look. You know what you are an asshole…an unbelievable asshole. What is your problem anyway? Why don’t you keep making fun of my religion everyday? Why don’t you scoot around me like I am a big burdenous piece of shit so you can get in you seat and start eating dinner before anyone else? Why do you have my son watch that and now say “no blessing” every time I try to say a prayer on the food while you angrily don’t even take a break from eating to close you eyes or bow your head. I freaking married you because you were supposed to have my same religious beliefs. What a joke! You really are a jerk. You have to smash it in my face. Why don’t you stand over me and tell me I am doing the dishes wrong until I have a panic attack because I feel horrible trapped and you won’t listen to me when I ask you to please go into the other room. You standing over me you are in my space trying to press yourself in my head with all you critical bantering. But bammo I am the crazy one who after 5 minutes and repeatedly asking you to leave throws a bowl on the floor and smashes it. Yep, why don’t you ramble some more? You are going to stand over me right now and ramble about your self and your latest dream that will never make it out of the egg. All I have to do is give it 2 weeks and you will give up on it and move on to the next one. The sleep abuse is ridiculous. You are toying with me. You make someone with a sleep disorder stay up all night with a sick kid until she has a fibromyalgia flare. You asshole. Really what is wrong with you? Do you have not conscience? You have me under your thumb, but really for how long sweetheart? For how long? Abusing someone when they are sick, what the hell is wrong with you? We’ll I’m sick too and I’m “tired” yeah well your “tiredness” has a serious way of crushing everyone around them especially me. I have to be the one to pick up the slack. Wow I think you are the homicidal maniac not me. The name calling the blaming it is getting a little old. I am not going to play your game anymore buster. I am not going to do and trash fight you. Keep your damn trash to yourself. Shapes and Colors Sadness I giant gray blue whale crying blue tears. Resentment the floor of my kitchen covered with an old drying out sticky raspberry jam. Burden a light green gelatinous blob. Hurt and Anger a yellow bunch of bananas. Anger Video: Tweezers grabbing for hairs, but hitting skin every time and yanking flesh out too Slowly peeling skin and sinew then fascia and skinny strips of muscle from his body. Getting down to the bones slowly tearing connective tissue away from the bones to the point that some of the bones come back with each tear. Razor blades under toenails, blood, pliers violently yanking off the toe nails leaving bloody stumps. Forcing air in to his lungs with a tube until they are nearly popped…waiting. Popping his lungs… Watching him try to breath with a ruptured lung in horrible gasps. Letting people watch but ordering them not to help. Organizing them to chant and ridicule him. Telling his deepest secret so the crowd is disgusted. Finding more people…time square on new years, but the people are chanting hatred and mortifying insults while I shove thick sewing needles slowly and violently into his feet until I run out of space to make his feet into pin cushions. Pouring acid or his genitals then forcing him to have sex with a sloppy violent prostitute. Dusting his skin with a base solutions and watching his skin burn in a chalky dusty way skin blowing away in the wind. Awarding him with a certificate for terrible parenting and being a husband. Putting him in a jail cell with a large screen projecting news cast about how horrible he is as a human being, spouse, and parent. Starving him with scant portions, then force feeding him lard until he throws up. Putting in special mirrors that make him looks obese into the cell…he’s staying for twenty years baby. Having people pass by every 2 minutes even during the night so he can’t sleep for 20 …no 50 years…the people scream terrible things about his body and how fat, out of shape, ugly and disfigured he is. They mock him if he cries then come up with a worse insult. Having everyone from his family take turns urinating on him and throw axes at him. Having Bill Clinton shove dog shit and toxic black mold up his nose…and his own shit too. Having him bath in liquefied sewage until the crap is stuck in his pours never to come out. Ripping his taste buds out and burning his body over and over again…1000 times at least. Burned to a crisp then slowly heal…repeat…repeat…repeat. Empower self in powerless situations: I have a nanny, police officer/body guard, doctor, therapist and a good friend that validates my feelings that stand by me and are ready to volunteer when I ask them. The nanny helps me put my son to bed and the police officer ties him to a chair and the therapist tells him his behavior is inappropriate instead of the pushing scenario. The same with the blocking incidence. When he thinks he is going to say mean things to me a little Bob the Builder quickly staples his mouth shut with a sock inside. When he is going to slam the door on me an eye in the back of my head sees him and then a third long arm blocks him then grabs him puts him on the balcony and locks the door so I can continue to go out to change my sons diaper. Anytime he gets into my space the police officer walks him away from me. If I am sick the doctor tends to me and the nanny helps take care of Thomas. The police escorts him out the door where the therapist lets him know how uncaring he is being. I get rest and heal and am supported.

December 3, 2006
7:54 am
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Tiger Trainer
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I am new hear to and have many of the same problems you mentioned. Particularly the one with the husband and your church. He was excommunicated and it was all my fault he says. He gets mad when I go, when I told him I had calling , when I was asked to play the piano for the church Christmas program. etc. etc. He put up a security camera because he was afraid that the missionaries would come around. He stopped my tithing checks. just remember who you are. Spend time finding out what is important to you. and sick to it.
You and I are hampered because we are supposed to hearken to our husband. but remember we can also receive guidance.
Remember he can not emotionally abuse you if you don't let it get to you. Just do what is important to you and stick with it and support him when you can

December 4, 2006
4:55 pm
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I feel for you. Having just found out 2 months ago that my huband is a sex addict, I am learning all about these issues: dealing with codependency, lack of trust, etc. We also are Mormons and have found the 12-step program used by the church, adapted from AA, to be right on target with what we need to help us overcome. Have you looked into it? Knowing that I do not have the debilitating addiction that my husband has, I can work on my own issues and learn how to be independent and still be supportive. I am lucky that he is willing to work on it, but can easily see the flip-side version and my issues in that regard. I am finding that there are a lot of people who understand and are willing to listen and help. Having similar physical pain and emotional pain, my thoughts go out to you this day. Take care artistgirl.

December 4, 2006
6:54 pm
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Anonymous
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Thanks marcik,

Man...my dad was a sex addict...that is a hard one. Try to keep you children safe. When sex becomes more important than people and their well being it can be really dangerous for children in the home...believe me I know.

My dad was supposed to confess to the bishop or my mom was going to call the cops about him molesting me. It turns out he never did tell the bishop during their little meeting.

At least it is out in the open in your case.

I think I have a OA (overeaters anymous) book that is gospel based. I might have to go through it again.

I hope you pain is lessened and that you can find all the supportive people in your life and connect or reconnect with them.

I think I have opened you to about 15 of my friends and family. Each has there own point of view and ideas on how to handle things. With this I have so much to take in and give a try and also know that I am loved and supported by others who care even if i might not feel it in my marriage right now.

Note to everyone: Checking account opened. 🙂

Next I will get a PO box for all checking account statements to go to.

I am hiding all my goodies in the furnace room. I am considering getting a lock box.

INDEPENPENCE and EMPOWERMENT. keep up the fight ladies and gents.

December 4, 2006
7:08 pm
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mj
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You sound so different from your first post. I hope you are proud of yourself! Keep taking care of YOURSELF!

December 5, 2006
9:14 pm
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Sorry Tiger Trainer,

Somehow I missed your post.

Excommunicated, huh? That is a rough one. My husband hasn't actually done anything to get him into that sort of trouble. He does go to church sometimes especially for social events. Can't miss that Halloween party...etc.

It is just a community club for him and has nothing to do with faith since he has none...not in any religion or any God.

Your husband sounds pretty antagonistic...stopping tithing check. The is always the ATM if you want to get around that.

Tom is kind of in charge of the money. I made $3000 dollars the year before last. I really wanted to pay tithing, but he or "we" spent it on moving expenses.

It was supposed to be so we could move to CA where my art program is NOT Virginia. Why did I have to foot the bill? VA was not my idea...yes being isolated from my family and friends who live in CA...not cool.

Well, that money is long gone, but when I make money from my art lessons I give and it goes into my account...I get to pay tithing! So there!

I am suddenly more excited about this checking account thing.

I wish you luck on your journey.

Have you read any good books that have helped you?

I just got the CoDA book and The broken Child Adult Pain book in the mail today.

December 6, 2006
1:29 pm
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Anonymous
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mj,

Deciding what I want is kind of hard for me when I am in bad place emotionally, but if I figure out what my choice is and goal is then I go into go-getter mode.

I didn't and still don't know what my choice will be with my husband, but I know I can choose empowerment now while I am finding new information to make a choice about this situation.

Taking care of myself...not the rest of world, right?

December 6, 2006
1:59 pm
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mj
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🙂 You've seen my thread?

I agree that when I am in a fearful, angry, uncomfortable emotional state my choices are very limiting. I love the empowerment I feel when I do something to take care of myself. Glad you are trusting yourself for your answers.

December 7, 2006
11:19 am
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Anonymous
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Is this letter how it all started. Man, I am confused. I am mournful about my feelings. What is it I really want? Man, my feelings and my loyalties are separate. I have people constantly asking me what I want. How about the law of attraction there? I constantly asking myself this question: Is it ok to want to have what I feel? I am guessing not always. What if you feel like you wish someone was dead? Those thoughts are always fleeting though.

What about the thoughts and feeling that are there for six months or more that are part of my dreams.

I want empowerment. What if doing T's plan has nothing to do with empowerment…what if I don’t want to live around people who are no longer my friends when things get rough, but only my Sister-in-Laws and only a friend to my husband and a brother to him.

Maybe living out in the country is a bad idea. (we have property next to family property that was split 7 ways and each of T’s siblings have a piece.)

Man, what if what I want is to be married to D, have my son, and live in the San Francisco area and go to Art school and get a job teaching at a college teaching afterward. What it I don’t want this husband, the one I have now. What if I don’t know how to make myself want him. What if I want this go-getter achiever more, what if …

What do I do…how do I change my own mind.

I know I want empowerment. I know cheating would not make me empowered. I never wanted to do that, but what about divorce and dating D and getting married to him.

What is it I want from him…I want to be around someone who is driven, I want to be around an achiever, I want to be around a realist who takes action, I want to be around someone clean who has good hygiene and picks up after himself who doesn’t live a cluttered life, I want to be around someone who is pro-therapy, pro-support groups, pro-couples counseling, I want to be around some one who is pro-healing, I want someone who has ambition, I want someone who is supportive of my art, supportive of my motherhood, supportive of me being a happy wife, supportive of me being empowered, I want someone who is good looking and takes care of their appearance, I want someone who is tolerant of my religious belief or accepts them, I want someone who is kind and humanitarian wanting the better good for the people around them, I want someone who is strong and sensitive, someone who is healthy about money and using it…basically I want someone who is D or is impersonating him.

What if T won’t or can’t change and he will never be that person. How do I make myself want T when I don’t and I haven’t for 5 years. I loved him and love him, but I don’t know that I like living with him…is that the way marriage is supposed to be?

Is gratitude the way you start wanting what you have. But what if you …what if I would rather have someone else even if I could start wanting what I have because I want D more?

Dear God,

Help me to know the right path? What if there isn’t a right path only making sure you are fair as you go about doing…you know…not breaking the law or the commandments.

I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt...
You shall have no other gods before Me.
You shall not make for yourself an idol...
You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God...
Remember the Sabbath day, and keep it holy... Honor your father and your mother... You shall not murder. You shall not commit adultery. You shall not steal.
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife.
You shall not covet your neighbor's house...
D isn’t anyone’s spouse so is wishing to one day be with isn’t him coveting him. If I got divorced then it wouldn’t be adultery to be with him.

Man I feel conflicted. How do I know what I really want? How can I be sure that wanting something means that I should have it? How can I be sure that I won’t regret dismissing these wants if I do? What if I learn to want what I have with gratitude and my happiness is mediocre, but am pretty sure that my happiness and fulfillment will be immense if I had taken the other options of leaving and being with this other person?

What if I feel like I don’t belong with this man?

Maybe if I knew there was no chance in hell with D then I could go on. Or would I? If he stopped being abusive, if he figured out what he wanted and quit being a dreamer, if he was cleaner and took better care of himself.

There are too many ifs.

I want to talk to P. I want her to give my thinking a label and tell me how people overcome it.

B says I don’t want to do anything I would be sorry for doing and cause myself guilt and shame because that wouldn’t be empowering. She says I could have him as my friend.

I felt like I was in love with P too, but never thought he would be the man I could leave T for. I mean he is gay and smokes out. I mean I love the kindness and sensitivity that he had was nice, but he has a boyfriend and even if he didn’t he wouldn’t change his sexual orientation for me…I mean give me a break. Even if I had some sort of crazy control over other people and could force him to be with me, I wouldn’t. The thought makes me sad. He wouldn’t be happy and that would break my heart.

Same thing…I can’t force T to love me the way I want to be loved and act the way I want him to act. He must choose. I can’t control. I can’t force. This isn’t happiness. The thought really does make me sad. I have never liked to be forced, controlled, or intimidated or even manipulated to be certain ways or do certain things. I won’t. If it is forced I won’t be happy.

I wouldn’t want to force anything with D. The sadness that comes with the thought of force overcomes the want to be with him.

Somehow, I have this idea that he does want to be with me though. Year after year we come together with notes, emails, calls, and meetings. Maybe we are only “meant” to be friends. But somehow, I see us in a dating scenario and see us coming back together…me becoming his girl…his woman….him my man. I don’t know what he thinks, but I know he wants me to be happy.

My friend told me this morning she thinks of the same old boyfriend every morning when she brushes her teeth. She is happily married for 15 years. There is something about going back to that first love in your mind. But my someone isn’t married…I might be able to write this off…like writing off dreams of being able to fly like superman…if he told me he had a committed relationship.

I was with D in bed in my dream this early morning…I was so mad when T woke me up when he was getting ready for work…he woke up Thomas too…we could have slept a hour more. That was a good dream dummie.

Then he left his work laptop at home so I spent from 7:15-9:00 taking his computer to him into Arlington. Nice I love being in rush hour traffic…instead of getting laundry done, playing with my son, leisurely eating cereal, and getting the house clean from yesterday.

Yesterday was the day that T accidentally took the car keys to work to Maryland. Dummy. I had no way of getting my son to preschool. My son was sick for the last week and a half so I am behind on my final projects and instead of working on them I am ranting some more because I am angry that I am with this man.

We haven’t had sex for a month. Usually I have to fulfill his needs, but I really don’t care. I am angry at him and I don’t trust him…so he is completely sexually unattractive to me.

He hasn’t done anything “wrong” lately. Or I guess I don’t let it in any more. I forgot that he told me that I have an “F” in motherhood and an “F” in being a wife. Thanks for the grades. We were fighting. Man he really is an asshole, isn’t he?

Man, “saying” that out loud really hurts. Ouch, what a horrible thing to say.

He talked about how we were the same because we didn’t like hearing each other’s frustrations or criticism. So that is why he turns mean, he doesn’t get to air out his frustrations with me without me saying “don’t you think I know that…I am already trying my best. I am already critical about that myself so I don’t want to hear from you. It’s too hurtful.”

Ok fine…I will just let you say what you have to say and try not to give you an automatic response.

I hate him and I don’t trust him. I don’t know how to make myself love him and don’t know where that trust is supposed to come from. And, I am not having sex with someone just to make them happy. F- that.

I don’t know where to find the trust…so what if you have been a good boy for a couple of days. This is why I want couple therapy. I can’t see myself through this one…trusting again. Forgiveness is one thing…trust is another. Ten foot pole baby…ten foot pole.

I don’t care if you get a promotion at work. I don’t care if you folded the laundry. F- you.

You are an f-ing emotional rapist. Go suck someone else dry, jerk off.

You cannot tell your heart what it wants. Your heart will tell you. -Barbara Sher

Man did this quote hit home!

December 7, 2006
11:22 am
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mj,

What is the name of the thread you are posting under?

I'd love to read it.

December 8, 2006
10:47 am
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Help I am so sad.
I am crying my eyes out. I just want someone to hold me and let me cry and say it is ok, I'm here.

The class on family abuse was yesterday and I thought it was today. I missed it. I had big expectations...things were going to be better...and soon.

T bought me an orchid and cuddles up to me everynight...not just to get sex like before. Maybe it is, but he senses that I won't.

This hurts more than the meaness. Does that even make sense?

It hurts so bad that I can't make myself trust him. I feel so deeply sad.

It is like our marriage is already over to me...but I want to force it not to be.

I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I feel betrayed in the worst possible way...emotionally and physically. The betrayal that I hated having in my family growing up.

Forgiveness v.s. trust.

The couples counseling would be for me...so I could hear the counselor say, "you've got to learn to trust again...and here is what you do..."

My private counselor I doubt will tell me to try to trust him again, because she says "he's impossible to work with" when I tell her the things he does and says.

I am so sad. The kindness is so cutting. It hurts worse than when he says the mean things that I am learning to block out.

December 8, 2006
11:02 am
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(((((((((Artist girl))))))))))))

I am here for you. Your not alone.

My thread is What my world needs now.
Sorry I didn't see your question until now.

December 8, 2006
11:43 am
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Artist girl,

I went to marriage counseling with my hubby and our counselor thought that my hubby was the most difficult person. People in Pain usually are. I just want you to know that even though we are not in counseling, we retained alot of our therapists tips that help us get through the tough times. Our relationship has been improving gradually. Some times its a few steps forward, and a few steps back. Its really important to make a decision on if you want to stay in the relationship and be committed. If you only want out, then the more you plan this out, and the faster you get out the least amount of suffering. You sound like you are in so much pain.

What are you doing that helps you feel better about yourself on a daily basis? Its little steps and one day at a time.

December 9, 2006
12:48 pm
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I will post this hear to keep things coherant-ish.

I feel better.

I think he did see it. I forgot to shut down my email and one of my sites...and I fell asleep. T's been on the computer. He wants to go to couples counseling suddenly because "you have a lot of changes to make...a lot a lot of changes. I won't be defamed like this...my character. I mean I can deal with this in court...slander and libel if we don't want to deal with this in counseling."

Libel...slander...what telling the truth?

He thinks saying that he is abusive is slandering his name...I don't think that he read my posts really...I mean he'd have to be up all night, right? I went on and on.

...but then we argued some more and he said sorry for the whole pushing me out the door incident and the "compliment" he gave me after i steam cleaned the carpet where he said that the carpet looking fantastic almost made up for the horrible time we were having in our marriage for the last 5 years.

Then I showed him the list of codependency trademark on the CoDA site and the ones on this site:

controlling behavior distrust perfectionism avoidance of feelings intimacy problems caretaking behavior hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger) physical illness related to stress

I told him that I thought we were both codependent. He looked through the list above and described what was happening in his head during the whole incident and noted a lot of these things going on : controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, (I wasn't doing a good enough job putting Thomas to sleep...give me a break I had only had 3-5 hours of sleep per night for at least the lst month), caretaking behavior (he had to come in and do it the right way), and hypervigilance ( a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger) (he just KNEW I was going to screw up and Thomas was going to get hurt because I was so groggy).

That one really frustrates me, if he knew that...why didn't help me earlier then and step up...he was tooooooo tired as always. Ummm...I think I beat him in tiredness by far. The marital counselor we went to at the free college counseling center told us not to hold the pain olympics...but really, I win. I am the one that gets up with our kid alllllll the time.

So Thomas bumped his head and I wasn't there with my super powers to quickly put my hand in front of his head before he swung it downward to get the soap he dropped.

Oh, I don't know why I am trying to rationalist insane behavior...and figure it out.

Anyway, the point is even if he is being half-jerk and half-sorry and trying to improve...we can go to a Real couples counselor not some U-tarded (lived in Utah too long and...ok just ignore this if you live in Utah...i am just being mean) idiot who is just practicing on us while they get they get their degree and license in counseling. He says the counselors were always mean to me...I think that is because they were stupid and didn't know that I go into the scapegoat role because it my family someone always had to be a scapegoat. They wanted someone to blame for all the problems and I was depressed and in horrible pain and have this nasty past and he always looks calm and collected and easy going.

At home it was my brother who was the scapegoat until he left on his mission then it was me. I just recently figured this all out with my new counselor.

Aside from all that...

Maybe, there is hope?

He says he will go to counseling with me.

December 9, 2006
1:55 pm
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mj,

I really like what you said about the counseling helping later and what not. As I mentioned in my last post, he agreed to go to counseling...which is really miraculous if you ask me.

We had a really great summer together....and I keep trying to figure out why. Was it my toontown addiction? Or was that an addiction...I quit as soon as my classes started...actually as soon as I wanted to get supplies for my classes...I even cancelled my account.

Maybe acting like a kid and playing a silly video game was helping with the codependency.

"Oftentimes, a part of being codependent is a resistance to being able to HAVE FUN AND PLAY! 😉 So part of recovery from codependency is learning how to let go and have fun. Therefore it’s bound to be liberating, and fun as we learn how to let go and play."

This is what the Codependency FAQ says.

Or maybe it was a video game addiction and it took away from the fighting because I had something else to distract myself.

Or maybe because I stopped taking classes for my Master's this summer and I was less stressed and we spend the weekends going on family outings to visit his brothers and sisters and go into washington DC to take Thomas to the Smithsonian museums.

Thomas didn't have preschool and wasn't sick and was sleeping through the night. I stayed home with him and visited my sister in laws and nieces and nephews Thomas' age.

Now I use the weekends to catch up on my painting that I am eternally behind on because Thomas is sick all the time because of the germ fest at preschool. Also, I am trying to do the 30 hours of work and catch any doctor's appointments while Thomas is at school for 12 hours. I am trying to do everything with only half the time.

what!

How did it get this way?

I took a painting and a drawing class with Thomas at preschool only 3 days a week last semester, so 9 hours instead. I was sure that 2 classes and an extra day with Thomas at preschool would do the trick. Well, this time I took 2 PAINTING classes. You can't spend 30-40 on a drawing, but you certainly can on a painting.

Why not quit and save my relationship, right?

Aside from carrying this horrible student loan debt that has been spent on stock that he swears he will pay back, yet I feel really nervous about...especially with the state of our relationship....This whole thing is my dream. To have my master's, to be a better painter, to have the ability to teach others...

I feel the codependence coming on...maybe i should give all that up because I don't know how to have good relationships and be who I am and want to be at the same time. I can't ask for what I need...a fulltime nanny. I have to be there every moment with my son to fulfill any needs, wants...to make sure he isn't a screw up when he grows up because he is some sort of broken child like me. I have to make sure my husband approves of me getting a housecleaner...he didn't...too expensive...goodbye housecleaner...I must do what everyone want me to do and do it by myself with no help if possible. I must do it his way so he will be happy with me.

Wait! What about the fact that it is MY student loan and I should be able to use it for anything to help me get MY education done. I need a clean house and I don't have super powers that let me clean, paint, study, and take care of Thomas at the same time....ummm...duh...especially with Fibromyalgia.

So I should be able to go buy the extra paint brushes I need and put Thomas in daycare fulltime if that is what needs to happen, right?

Or...uhoh is the Codep. talking again...what kind of a selfish monster am I. Putting Thomas in daycare fulltime...he could be scared for life...he could be abandoned, neglected, and abused...and I wouldn't be there for every moment of his life to control everything that every happen to him...I can't even do that when I am there with him.

What kind of a mother wants to get a Master's Degree instead of stay home with their three year old?

World please tell me this is ok? Oh codep. I can't tell myself if I am ok or abused or happy...please someone with a white coat or a degree or hey I'll take a random someone on the street...what do you think? You don't know me from...whatever that saying is, but go ahead you probably know better than me. Please tell me what to do and how to live my life and that I am doing the right thing or wrong thing...I am scared to know the truth for myself.

From the coda site:

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling. ( Mostly, why I should I be feeling this and is it ok to feel this way?)

I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel. ( I have been battling this one out lately. The whole "I want to force myself to feel x" thing)

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions. (Do I stay...do I go? How should I feel?)

I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough." ( Maybe if I tried harder things would work.)

I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires. (That statement makes me want to hold my breath because asking for help makes me feel so anxious sometimes)

I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own. (ummm....let's see. I want someone random off the street to tell me what to do and if it is ok for me to be doing what I am doing more than I want to tell myself)

Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger. ( not sure why this one stood out..I don't have an example.)

I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same. (A friend of mine calls this sponging and it is really hard for me not to take on other's feelings.)

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. (Like my marriage.)

I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.( random man off the street? Where are you?)

I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want. (Ok...you want me to clean the house instead of a maid...ok maybe I should quit my master's degree)

Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves. (Well, not most other people...but this thought is a struggle with my son...my sister-in-law brought up that T would fall apart if I left him...maybe...maybe not. I feel like it would be great to be able to control everything that came my son's way sometimes.)

I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others. (I worry that I am not giving enough to all of my relationships...I must be ahead on the giving scale or I worry and think of a scale like the justice scale. It has to be even or tilted toward me or...I'm guilty or something.)

These are the statements that capture me right now with the issues I am having currently.

For the rest go here (http://www.codependents.org/patterns.php)

I think seeing these honestly says something about step one.

"We admitted we were powerless over others-that our lives had become unmanageable."

Ok...I gotta go paint before I write an entire book.

December 10, 2006
12:04 am
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I am so happy to hear that your hubby is agreeable to counseling! Way Cool.

December 10, 2006
7:57 am
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mj,

I know! I am so excited!

Me trying another 12 step program and T being agreeable to couples counseling...somethings got to give...things have got to get better!

December 10, 2006
9:19 am
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AG, I had to giggle last night when I read your statement about Utard. I was born and raised in Utah. I have been at the coast for 12 years. My daughter still lives in Ut and my other daughter in Wy. My mom and sister live in Id. I really understand the codependency nature of the environments.

Things will get better I promise. When you work the steps, you will start making changes in your own attitude, behavior and actions.

December 11, 2006
9:51 pm
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Yes,

It is such a codependent place and society.

Hopefully, they won't become Utarded. 😉

December 11, 2006
11:13 pm
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I hate my husband...again.

He was spying on me when I was talking to my mom on the phone.

He keeps telling me I need to come to bed at night and talk to him...that is what he said when I got on the phone with my mom...Sheesh I hadn't talked to her since she was super drugged up in the hospital and she couldn't tell me what surgery they did and what room she was in.

So I can't talk to my mom...because you know I will talk about you and our problems, huh?

I don't even want to go to counseling any more.

Is that the most ridiculous thing ever?

That's all I wanted and it was going to fix everything, right?

I don't even want to do it.

I want to say F-you and walk out the door.

I want some sort of permission granted from some authority...maybe myself...to leave. To Leave in good conscience.

Why can't I give my self permission?

I want my healing arts friend to call me...uhhh...we were supposed to talk to night. I am in the car alone using someone's internet signal...la la la...here I am. It is a little cold out here. What the hell am I doing?

Hi...idiot, right? Look at me I am in my car...oh this email tops that by far.

"D,

If I ever left my husband and was divorced free and clear and had spent some time on my own...
...would you ever go on a date with me?

I am doing an emotional process where I release negative emotions. Depending on your answer, I may have some more anger pages to let loose and write toward my parents. (A friend has a school where she teaches this emotional processing.)

A yes or no will do.

I really appreciate your honesty and how much you have helped me. You are the man.
Thanks!"

Look at me, I am a grown 28 year old woman....not getting any response to that email. Wowie. crap. what a utard I am.

And I sent this email first:

"He said he'd go to marriage counseling with me. 🙂

Good luck cramming every morsel of info in to your head for you exams. Get plenty of sleep so it sticks! You'll do great I am sure.

If you need some positive thinking and a break, I'd watch this:

http://thesecret.tv/

When I was having vivid dreams about people from high school this summer and sent you that long email out of the blue, I also dreamt about Tr.... and wanted to get into contact with her. I have been thinking about her for the last couple of months. I couldn't find her, but she started looking for me too I guess. She found my brother on myspace and he got a hold of me with her info. I made a page there and keep finding my old friends.

I would love it if you got an account so see what you were up to from time to time. I think it is a good way to keep in touch with people.

Anyway, I am procrastinating my projects...hey, I needed a break though or I'd get stiff. You are probably studying right now!

Thanks for talking me through this hard time."

Hi...I am in serious conflict, can't you tell?

I have an appointment to see a lawyer tomorrow.

F- I'm lonely.

I have read dating books and I know how to be coy and really get a guy to notice you....well, I am not employing any of these tactics because I don't know what I want and duh...I am married have morals even if I am really freaking confused.

I am doing everything I know would scare a guy off. Probably because my feelings are so conflicted.

If my parents weren't such screw ups instead of having a triangulated relationship with D and my mother when I was 16 and later having a nervous breakdown of sorts where I layed on the bed for 3 days and spoke to no one after I admitted to my mother that I remember being molested by my father....I'd have been with the man of my dreams..."who thought I hung the moon"... is that what Mich says about her husband?

Instead I attracted this ding bat who looked like he would treat me nice.

Well, [email protected]#! I don't think he think that I hung the moon anymore.

He thinks I am f-ing crazy.

And, he is the only one I want to be with.

I don't want to be with my husband. I hate him and dread his phone calls and him coming home. I just don't like him. Don't people get divorced over not liking each other any more?

Why do I have to have the excuse of domestic abuse to leave anyway?

Dude, I hate him 90% of the time. Then I think about 10% of the time that he is nice from time to time and we will work it out.

What do I want?

To go back in time and get new parents that aren't psycho and then have a normal relationship with D and be happy.

Hmmm...that just isn't working.

My stupid bishop said that I would always be alone if i left T. F- you, you dumb a-. What the heck does he know?

OK...fine so in my mind it is D or nothing. I don't want any more accidents. Find a new guy. F- that. No way! He could be psycho. More psycho then T. Nope. No way.

I know D. He is a good person inside. A humanitarian at heart. I don't trust anyone else. I mean guy wise. And I don't want to become a lesbian...although I would live with them and Thomas could be their baby fix.

I digress...as usual.

D is the only man I trust. The rest of them can go to hell...except my gay friends...I gotta tell you...it is amazing to be able to sleep in the same bed with a man and know he will never pull anything. I mean that would be the easiest thing to do. I mean you can be super vulnerable crying your heart out and accidently having half you shirt unbuttoned and they don't want to look or touch or take advantage of you needing a friend right then.

I mean some guys might slip their hand right down you clevage if the oppertunity presented itself like that...you know while you cry about your grandma dying of cancer or something.

Hmmm...D could take advantage of my flailing situation and failing marriage, and be you know..."extra-comforting". but he is just there for me as a friend because anything else is against his code of ethics.

Ok...so I might end up a single mother...for the rest of my life because of my nasty fear of men who aren't D.

I would always want to run away when my mother was beating me in junior high. I had a friend who knew. My mother didn't know her at all. She had never been to my house. She told her mom and her mom was willing to let me stay at her house. It was the perfect get away, but I didn't run no matter how I bad I ached to get away. I was scared that I only had one mother and one father and never have one again if I ran.
I was scared that I would only have those parents and those parent were the only ones that would make sure I had food, make sure I had clothes, and got to the doctor when I was ill, and make sure I had a home to come home to.

I had heard the horror stories about foster parents. If my parents were this mean, fake parents would probably burn me with cigarette and rape me or something too horrible to imagine.

I feel like I am in that same place in my brain. I won't have any one to take care of me...but I am 28...But that voice is so compelling of the 12 year old girl that was me.

You won't find it anywhere else...and you will be punished in a worse way if you leave. If you find a new one...mother, husband, brother...whatever...you will suffer more deeply than you are suffering now.

I feel like I have no "kristie Slusher's house" to even run to. There is no one signalling come this way and we will take care of you. My mother said she would buy me a plane ticket to my dad's house "because some personalities just don't get along."

My dad is a selfish narcisist by nature although he has done alot of work to come away from that. I know my power driver step mother doesn't want me in her house.

Dude, I feel like such a wimp that can't make it on her own. I feel 12 inside.

How is a 12 year old going to win a custody battle?

How is a 12 year old going to raise a son on her own?

How is a 12 year old going to get a job and find a cheap place to rent and go grocery shopping...and I don't know be an adult?

I hated my abusive mother then. I hated how she tried to control me when ever she was around but was gone most of the time working. I wished she'd never come home. So I could watch more tv and enjoy myself and not worry about whether toady would be an "angry day" when she came home or an "I love you princess day".

It is ok to make mistakes she would say.

Then it was an angry day...you rode to school a different direction. It was time to slap that counter with my head.

Man, did I create the familiar.

Happy day:

You look great! This dinner is delicious!

Crap for artist girl day:

You get and F as a mother and an F as a wife. I want you to come to bed now.

Darn it. This sucks.

I don't want to fix it.

Any f-ing volunteers?

I think of our marriage as a wounded snarling hyena.

I don't want to save it...it is scary.

Why couldn't my marriage be a dolfin caught in a Tuna net or a hump back whale stuck in the bay?

Those are nice creatures that you want to save.

What am I going to do with hyena wandering around after I save it anyway?

December 12, 2006
10:08 am
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mj
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Keep on Venting....Get it out and then take some action!

December 12, 2006
3:09 pm
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mj,

went to a lawyer today. If I want custody of my son, I have to stay in VA or there abouts.

That sucks. I wanted to go to CA. Moving on...

I get the car though...I came into the marriage with it.

VA law sucks...6 months in the state and you have residency...that includes my son.

POO. 18-3=15 years here with my minor son...ok I better let that sink in. Man alive.

And we have to be separated for one year living in different residences...$8000 retainer fee. Oh my!

that is nice since i have no income to speak of. Maybe I better call my rich old man...the step-mom will like that... 🙁

I can always go down to the county court house library...and do it myself...you know practically become a lawyer myself trying to figure out how to represent myself and draw up separation papers.

I called my sister-in-law to see if I could stay there, just so I can have alone time, but she did answer.

Then again I have yet to find out whose side she is on....so.

And, kept asking why I was being distant and why I kept asking for space...and of course he doesn't give it to me...so i told him I hated him and I needed time to sort things out.

I warned him it would hurt his feelings, but he begged me to tell him practically...he wouldn't freaking go away.

Sorry, I hate you man...I don't know how to like you anymore after all this.

Thanks for reading and listening...mj

I read in your thread. Your life doesn't sound as messy. Congratulations on your recovery. If sounds like you have some sanity coming to you.

I am glad that you are going to meetings.

December 13, 2006
2:58 pm
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mj
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I don't understand how a State can make you live there when you have custody. That sounds so controlling of people. I am glad you went you your lawyer and got the information that helps you make decisions. With all our choices come consequences.

I hope you figure out your options. In my experience, family usually are loyal to their blood family. It would be nice if you can get some help from your family while you go through this, if that is your decision. Thanks for reading my thread.

December 14, 2006
9:39 pm
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Mmmkay...feeling stupid and self-conscious.

You know it feels really lame to have all new friends and say, "Good to meet you, do you want to hear about how my marriage is falling apart and how my husband has abused me?"

So...yeah. I think it takes time to lay that one on someone...like at least a couple of months...6 at best.

So here I am desparately dependent on my old boyfriend for support because let's face it my parents were weird and abusive...even though they have gotten over a lot of it...they are still a little strange.

My best friend in San Francisco...well I can picture her confused look as I explain everything to her on the phone because hey abusive codependent relationships aren't something she gets because her life experiences haven't brought her there.

That is good.

But...I feel like...ok...hi...here I am in all my messy glory.

I have contacted many old friends, but I feel weird recontacting them to keep telling them about my "big" problem as I am going through.

So here I am big awkward nerd girl. Time to call my old boyfriend because we have stayed in contact and he knew me inside and out and I don't have to take an hour to explain my whole life to him everytime I talk.

I feel like a dorky, knobbed-kneed flamigo out of a Disney cartoon. Let me just flale and trip and get my long pink neck all crazy and twisted around everything I come in contact with.

Grace and steadiness where are you?

Why am I self-conscious today more than yesterday?

Email:

"D,

I put all 200 or pictures of the Europe trip into a photo album finally. I had always felt too many feelings of regret and sadness when I would get to any of the pictures from around that time of my life because I think of my parents' divorce and telling about being abused for the first time and how I basically collapsed mentally to have that so much internal strain.

Anyway, then I would look at the carefree Europe pictures and kind of freak out about good everything seemed and how rapidly it all disintegrated. I guess I am putting everything together right now.

Talked to another attorney and she said I should go to couples counseling to look more "saintly" and what not. Ok...why not. She also said her retainer fee would probably about $2,200 and that she would give me a 20% discount on her $300/hour rate since I am a women's center referral.

I went there today and a nice woman caught me up on everything I missed at the class I missed.

Feels better. I am coming up with a plan for Tom to quit taking credit cards out in my name...Kimberly the women's center told me how I can call the consumer credit agency and have and internal fraud alert placed on my accounts. This would require them to call me and verify by phone before they accept the credit card applications.

OK...for a completely non-serious question for once:

Can you still make that hilarious tortoise face?

Hee hee 🙂

Luv,

P.s.
Here is my moms email saying she is ok...which was the point of this email, right? 🙂 oh well"

***Then I have this idea that I am going to do something cool for him because I am so greatful for all the times that he talked to me when I am crying my eyes out and not sure what to do.

So...I decide that I am going to send him the painting of his choice. Oy, just feel the lameness approaching.

next 2 emails:

"Is this your correct address?

Bronx

OK..one more question.

Which one do you like the best?"

"May give email program a hernia...

I am currently working on 13...going to a person

Ok..before I post all the nudes...would you want something like that on your wall?

Some people are violently opposed to that.

If you don't like any of them a lot a lot a lot then, would you please send me a picture of you looking very doctory-ish taken without flash with one light source?"

****oh lameness...painful lameness

his response:

"I will have to e-mail you later about these multiple questions. I am sorry
but I am dealing with a bit of a crisis of my own with respect to my
interviews as several interview invitations did not reach my inbox. I will
contact you when things settle down. I do not mean to dismiss your questions
now, but I do not have time given the current situation.
Sorry,
D"

***here is me trying not to sound like too much of an idiotic little girl in response.

"D
I am so sorry! I hope sending too many images wasn't what did it. Crud! That was never my intention.

Congratulations on the interview invitations. I wish you lots of luck and you will be in my prayers."

***Crap. I feel so stupid. I am bothering this poor guy all the time because I am so alone... and he is an important guy...PHD....studying to take his exams for an MD and trying to get a spot for residency.

And, here I go accidently flooding his email account when I am trying to do something in return for all his kindness. Man, none of the photos of my work were about 600k.

I feel even dumber because I love him and hate my husband and why am I in love with my highschool sweetheart and he is busy and I am weird.

OK...empowerment where are you? I need something to replace the awkward stupid feeling.

mj,

I just want to let you know how very, very grateful I am that you read my posts and are here because it stinks to feel so awkward and daily isolated with such a private problem that is hard to share with the rest of the world.

Thank you for giving you time.

My mother gets a little to crazy about the whole thing, so I only talk to her a little or when I feel really desparate.

I have only made medium close friends since I have been living here in VA for 1 year.. And, I guess I will probably make more and more deeper ones in the next 15 years because I am pretty friendly.

What does the rest of the world do when they fear their husband's behavior too much to express any emotions with him and put walls around there heart so all they feel is hate for him?

Anybody?

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