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New here: I guess I am codependent
November 26, 2006
1:33 am
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Anonymous
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My husband blames everything on me. Today he told me our marriage was 5 years of suffering.

Yeah, for me too babe.

I had panic attacks where I would hurt myself when I lived at home. The courts decided my parents were not fit parents and that I couldn't live with either of them when they got divorced when I was 17. I have post traumatic stress syndrome.

I had problems here and there when I left, but not the cutting my self stuff that started when I admitted that I remembered my father molested me. I was supposed to be asleep that "one time", but really folks he always looked at me wrong and rubbed himself on me and what not. My mother would physically abuse me when I was a teenager. She would smack my face over and over again both hands coming at me, pull my hair, drag me, and hit my head on counters or walls. I got her to stop dragging me by the hair once when I pulled out the hair she was holding on too. It suprised her so much she stopped hurt me altogether. i made it a habit.

Now if I am having a panic attack, I start to hit my face and pull my hair. I feel enormously guilty about this loss of control.

To top it of I have been sexual assaulted by strangers and aquantences and by men I was dating. I was raped when I was 14. I froze like a dear on head light and went somewhere else after none of my "no"s were listened too.
I seem to be some sort of target like people know they can get away with abusing me because it has happened so much that I am too screwed up to do anything about it.

Anyway, I moved away from home and the panic attacks left. I had eating disorders, but went to a twelve step program for that and got better.

I got married. He is critical of everything I do although he claims I am just to sensitive. That is went the pain started. I think I could live under a microscope like that and the stress got to me. Chronic horrible pain...then came the panic attacks where I started hurting myself again. They happen every 4 to 6 months, but that is enough for my husband to say I am the problem and screwing everything up.

There are three insidences:

He "meant" to slam a door in front of me. It hit my shoulder.

He screamed at me claiming I wasn't putting our three year old son to bed right and push me out of the room then wouldn't let me back in.

We were arguing. He physically would let me leave with my son.

Now I don't trust him and I can't get that love back. I love people off the street more than him. I think about an old boyfriend all the time...I try to imagine he is covered in warts to stop. He was never critical of me. That is my happy place...other wise I am miserable, anxious, have fibromyalgia, and trying to conquer my Master's Degree in Figurative Painting with only unemotional support.

Sure, help me get into an art show, but then tell me I am "helpless". Tell me I do nothing all day long, when I have been breaking my back cleaning out of fear that you won't love me, accept me, or be pleased by the things I do and who I am.

How do I leave? How do I stay? How do I not have people tell me what to do like I have no inner self left?

My son is sick throwing up sometimes when he wakes up. I sit alone on his bed feeling my misery and taking care of it all as usual. My husband always says he takes care of everything and so do I. Then why is nothing ever taken care of properly?

November 26, 2006
2:40 am
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turnabout
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What do you want, sweetie? Thanks for sharing your story. Now, what do you want? In general... or from this site? I would love to respond to you, but I'm not sure how. Of course, I haven't experienced the kind of abuse you describe. I came here for different reasons, so it could be me.

Your experience with your mother reminds me of what my boyfriend went through with his stepfather. Both situations make me think there were jealousy issues driving the abuse. Yours beginning as it did at the "dawn" of your womanhood. His started much younger, but it wasn't until after his stepdad & mom were married and their first child was born. To me, it seems like his stepdad then felt like he had a secure enough hold on my bf's mom to take out his jealousy on my bf. Sounds to me like your mother was aware of your father's inappropriate attention and it made her feel threatened as she saw you matured, like she saw you as a rival. It's messed up, but that kind of thing happens.

But I'm just guessing really to try relating with you.

Welcome to the site, artist girl! Hope you find yourself comfortable enough to stay and continue sharing.

turn

November 26, 2006
3:39 am
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mamacinnamon
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(((artist girl)))

That's a hug. I didn't know that when I came here. I also have fibromyalgia so I do understand some of your pain.

How old is your little boy? 5 now? I'm sure he loves him mom lots. I'm sorry your hubby is such a jerk. He doesn't know what a shining star he has.

As for the abuse from the men and your mom. Honey are you in counseling? You truly need to be. That kind of abuse is to big to handle on your own. Go see your doc and ask him/her to put you into counseling. That way you went to see him/her coz you weren't feeling well and he/she put you in counseling. Hubby cannot blame you for that one.

There is a thread here called something Charmer/Abuser. I'll bump it to the top. Please read it and see if your hubby fits here.

I'm glad you are here. 🙂

November 26, 2006
3:53 am
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Artist girl:

It is called How to Become Prey to a Charmer/Abuser restarted to read the main posting. Then below is a thread w/ the same title excluding the word restarted w/ 300+ postings.. You might want to post your concerns there or at least read them.

November 26, 2006
8:33 am
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turnabout,

I think what you are saying is true. My mother was jealous. She would scream at me that I was "daddy's little girl."

It is kind of weird though. When I started developing womanly features my dad wasn't interested in me any more.

Well, what do I want? To quit being codependent and have the support of others to do that.

mamacinnamon,

I have had 10 years of counseling. My husband is anti counseling so not so much while I have been married. I had three sessions of counseling with a new therapist after my husband push me. She took a vacation for three weeks...so I am feeling desparate. Just one more week? i think.

I will read the link. Thanks.

November 26, 2006
4:49 pm
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Here are some posts I made from another forum:
Sept 16th.

I am really sad and feeling alone. Maybe it is me. Am I the screw up? Nothing I do seems to be good enough for my husband. I don't get enough housework done or the right way. I am not doing a good enough job raising "his" son. He never considers that I have fibromyalgia and even woman who don't have a hard time staying home, getting their master's degree parttime, and picking up after a husband who never cleans up after himself until the weekends when he is freakishly controlling about cleaning.

After I was done helping Thomas go potty. Thomas dropped the foam soap on the ground and bumped his head trying to pick it up off the ground. Tom stormed in and told me that I was hurting "his" son and to get out because Thomas didn't even have a diaper on. Once again I failed at putting Thomas to bed correctly. "Get out 10.9.8..."he shouted the count down.

I just stared shocked. He pushed me out of the room and held the door closed so I couldn't get back in.

He wouldn't watch Thomas earlier so I could go to a eye doctor apt. because he claims that should be done during the week. I had a panic attack because I haven't been getting much sleep and I am stressed at being able to get my assignments done during the week and get doctor apts.

I hurt myself during the panic attack. Pulling at my hair and hitting my face. There I said it. I would do that when my mom would beat me and she would stop. I had been doing so good. I hadn't done that for 6 months. It always happens when I feel really cornered, someone is being really critical, or I can't get the help I need.

I am the crazy one, I know, but don't the insane have rights too. I already feel guilty for not having enough self-control to over come the panic attacks. My husband threatens to call the police, which make my hyperventilating oh so much better.

By the way, I hadn't had the panic attacks since I was 18 and in therapy talking about Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. They started when I got married five years ago...I am 27 now.

He has been really critical of me our whole marriage. I don't feel like I am really the same person anymore. Is constantly being critical abuse?

Or am I just over-sensitive and need buckets more therapy?

Just thought I'd see if anyone is out there, because I feel alone.

http://www.storknet.com/guests.....wles41.htm

Domestic Violence Discussion with Jennifer Bowles, MSW, LCSW

41. StorkNet Member: What is verbal abuse? I grew up in an alcoholic home that was nonemotional, or at least it was all buried. Whenever there was an outburst between my alcoholic father and my mother, it was HUGE, at least from a child's perspective. There was no in-between. As a result, I think, I now avoid any confrontation, yet tolerate too much from my spouse. What defines verbal abuse?

Jennifer: It is best to focus on your perception of how others' communication affects you. If you feel put down, devalued, or minimized as a human being (much less a marital partner) it is likely that the communication is verbally abusive. You may want to think about talking with a counselor about communication skills especially related to confrontation. Working with role playing aggressive vs. assertive responses could be very helpful to reducing your avoidance with confrontation. You could consider doing this with or without your partner and a therapist.

Here's were I posted again:

Nov 14th
"6802.1
Wow...Lawyers are expensive. $400 per hour for a "consultation".
We are only $30,000 in debt because my husband had to buy $50,000 of stock in his company before it went public. He used my student loan money.

I am scared ...um...shiftless.

The more councelling I get the more he acts like a jerk. He blocked me from leaving the room and told me "you never do anything." (Like take care of his son all day, clean up his vomit when he gets sick into the bathtub, clean the house, get his shoes mended, and take the drying cleaning in..nope I guess not.)He also said when Thomas was jumping on me when Tom was supposed to be playing with him (as agree upon a couple days prior.) that is was because I didn't pay attention to him during the day and that it was my fault. (How does he know what I do all day? It certainly isn't ignoring my son.)

My therapist says this is dumping...you know saying something or doing something to get the other person to do what you were supposed to be responsible for.

Crap...I need a job, a cheap place to rent, and an understanding of VA law when it comes to getting a separation.

Happy Birthday to me in two [email protected]@)"

Here is the next post:

Nov 26th

Anyway, I keep thinking of my high school boyfriend when things get crappy and feel like I am going to hell for that. He helps me find the hotline numbers to call and is a doctor with a PHD and MD and is extremely compassionate. I try to imagine that he is covered with warts so I won't think of him...it doesn't work.

Sometimes I just want to quit and start over...but that doesn't seem fair. I keep repeating a mantra of "mature and Fair, mature and fair...." over and over again.

Had the bishop over, but that was a disaster because he took Tom's side. I'm "oversensitive and affected more than a normal person" because of my past. I told him he should call the abuse hotline and ask if the things Tom has done and said are considered abuse, because they told me it was. Oh and, I "don't know how to have an intimate relationship because of my past" so I am trying to run away.

I have been with him for 5 years and I have had intimate relationships...I just don't like feeling scared and miserable all the time. He isn't a professional therapist. Why did he say all that? Now Tom thinks he is in the right.

Oh and apparently I could be trying harder because I was trying to pretend I was a single mother and got more done and more cleaned when I did that. Aside from having shooting pains down my legs and nausea to the point I could hardly eat...sure I could do that everyday. I see how it is...I need to sacrifice more. What else do you want from me?

He still doesn't want to go to marital therapy.

My sister-in-law thinks it is because we don't have date night and if I find a baby sitter and plan date night for 6 weeks and then tell him it is his turn after that things will be better.

I don't feel like the way I feel is fair. Even though he is doing nice things for me like watching Thomas, taking out the trash, and doing the dishes every time when their is a fight I want to give up and leave. I wanted marital councelling a year ago, but he said it was too much of a hassle and too expensive. I feel burnt out.

I don't want to feel like this. I feel like even if he did everything perfect, I still wouldn't feel close to him. How do I make myself stop feeling like that. I know it isn't fair, but I can't convince my heart and emotions to change there minds.

I feel guilty for wanting to end it and give up. After putting 5 years of yourself into something how can you abandon that? Especially since it will turn my life completely upside down. I would feel guilty that I took a good father away from Thomas. I would feel guilty for sending him to daycare everyday instead of staying home with him and playing with him when I would be working to support us. I would feel guilty about breaking a convenant with God since I got married in the temple ( even though he doesn't believe in the church anymore...so it is effectively dead anyway.)

I don't know if I could stand the burden of my religion, society's view of me, a full time job, and a son in daycare. This isn't what my patriarchal blessing tells me. How could it be this way? He is supposed to love and cherish me. Did I make a mistake?

I am a pleaser. I am happy when others are pleased with me. He is impossible to please. How do I make it through this?

Do I just keep faking it? Will things work out?

My mother says I have to have peace with my decision otherwise I will never be happy about it.

It was with this post that a woman told me to look up CoDA.

Here is what the CoDA website says:

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

I recognize a lot of these things with in me.

I don't know how much of an Charmer/Abuser my husband is. He tells me that I am "making" him into an abuser because that is all I ever knew and that he isn't that type of person.

Dang it when is my therapist coming back. I am going nuts. Can I leave to California? What is VA law. I am going to the woman's center tomorrow. No more putting it off.

I feel like I can't let go of my Master's Degree because of all the debt and it is one of the only areas I feel good about...and it happens to be one of the areas my husband is supportive. He got me into an art show that I never would have got into.

But then he has to tell I am helpless if I ask him to carry groceries and never do anything.

What the heck? Why? What the heck happened?

He is lazy except if it is his idea. He insults me until I give in. Dang it? What the heck do I do? I feel so neurotic and anxious. Give me a break.

I don't know if I understand what I am supposed to do or say here.

Ummm...now what?

November 26, 2006
5:13 pm
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Good question. I'm sorry it doesn't seem you have much if any support there. In that case you will have to lean on you and us for that support. we are here just for that reason.

All the terrible aside, I want to talk to you about your fibromyalgia. Do you know much about the illness? the progression? what to expect? How severe to you have it?

If he is gonna chastise you and tell you how helpless you are over carrying groceries what is it gonna be like later when your illness is worse? I know; I live w/ it every day.

Also, how does your son treat you? Like dad? Children mimic the environment they are in. IF your child is witnessing dad treat you bad on a daily basis then he is learning how to treat you bad and how to act like that to other kids. Have you had any trouble w/ him bein mean to his friends?

I'd be glad to talk this out w/ you. That's what i'm here for as well as the many others on this board.

November 26, 2006
7:01 pm
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turnabout
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"He tells me that I am "making" him into an abuser because that is all I ever knew and that he isn't that type of person."

There is no way you can make another person "be" anything. He and only he is responsible for his behavior. Trying to make someone else responsible for a person's own behavior is the hallmark of abuse.

And that clearly is a manipulation of your fears, since he knows your vulnerability due to your history. In fact, it sounds like his manipulation of your history is rampant. That is very much the M.O. of a Charmer/Abuser. Research into that personality type could be of use to you, it seems.

November 27, 2006
8:55 am
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mamacinnamon,

When we were planning our wedding (my step-mom turned it into a $25,000 affair because I asked her if she could plan it since I don't like parties and she lives for them...I wanted my brides maid there or wise I wanted to elope.) I got really stressed. I went to the OB/GYn to get fitted for a cervical cap. I thought I was so crampy because of my period afterward. My body started slowly freaking out from that point. My period was three days longer and heavier and painful. I even bled through my clothes.

On my honey moon about a three weeks later, I used the cap again. I felt weak and like I was going to vomit and crampy ( you are supposed to leave it in for 4 hours after intercourse.)

I felt so terrible I decided we should go back to condoms. After 7 days of being together, I had burning pains and intercourse was too painful. I thought maybe it was a yeast infection. When I went to the bathroom I was sure I had a UTI because it burned so bad. I got monostat and my husband's father wrote out the prescription for antibiotics for a UTI that my nurse mom called and told him to instead of going to a doctor and seeing what was going on since we were traveling.

I suffered for months until I made the connection that I had developed a latex allergy.

But it didn't go away even after we stopped using latex condoms. It has been 5 years or burning urination and abdominal pains and cramps. Sometimes it backs off a little...especially during pregnancy it did.

Before that I would hurt so bad I would collaspe on the ground if it flared up. I was scared to go grocery shopping. I was constantly going to the ER and urgent care with pain so bad I thought for sure something had ruptured inside me...a 9 or 10 on the 1-10 pain scale.

I felt like everyone thought I was crazy. All they could say is "maybe" I had interstitial cystis (a bladder disease) or endometriosis. A urologist said I had oesteitis pubis because my pubic bone was swollen and painful if you pressed on it.

November 27, 2006
9:26 am
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sorry i am so long winded...not thinking very concisely right now.

I am going to the women's center before I chicken out.

November 28, 2006
4:43 am
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I went to the Women's Center today. Got some good info.

Talked to the mom of my best friend that I grew up with back in Ca. Talked to my old boyfriend, the Dr.

OK...Now hear me vent...what a joy.

I hate my husband. I hate him. His expectations of me are impossible to meet.

Ok here is me freaking out and telling my highschool boyfriend that I am in love with him ( congratulations to me...I am psycho.) :

"Derek,

Will you marry me? 🙂

Oh...I forgot, I am married and it is a huge mess.

You have really got you act together and know so much and think in such a kind and mature way. It really depresses me that my husband doesn’t want to do couples therapy. I asked him a year ago, but he said that it was too expensive and inconvenient to arrange a time and get a baby sitter. I offered to do that, but...no. I feel so burnt out. It would be really “easy” to leave and start over again, but I keep repeating the mantra “fair and mature, fair and mature..” over and over again.

I mean I have had 10 years of counseling...I guess I need a year for every messed up year of my childhood. 8 more to go?

Thank you so much for being there for me...especially since my therapist is out of town.

Now to stop falling in love with you because my heart has needed such a gentle place to rest with all the war that has be surrounding it. Can I be your “peaches” again. I loved it how I pleased you. That is all I want to do for my heart to be bathed in happiness. When I can’t please, I feel crushed. If I knew I pleased you, I’d do it forever. Can I be in you rainbow on that cloud in your dream? Rescue me from the dragon. I will fall with you through a stained glass window even if it is purely frightening because I know I can be with you forever after that.

OK, so am I going to hell for this. I love you. I love you more than my husband...he is the father of my child. I want your kindness and strength so bad it hurts. What would I have to do to make you happy? I want to know. I need to know. I will do it. I will sacrifice. Just to have you hold me, tell me I am safe with you, that you are pleased with me and want the best for me.

I don’t know how to get what you gave me then with this man now. It is all that I want. How will I survive this bleak landscape when paradise keeps calling to me during every hour, even from a deep place where dreams are made in my subconscious. I can’t make the paradise leave my mind.

I remember how vulnerable, but safe I felt with you when you would take me away from my house away from the misery and constant critics of my home. I want to be at prom, or driving with you, or just sitting it the car, I want to be in Europe just us, I want to be in your house when you family is gone. It is the safest place I have been. Alone with you.

I am not wrong to you. I am not broken. You see ways for me to become better not because I am horribly internally flawed, but because everyone has that light to become better. Alone with you."

So I didn't actually wan to sent the email, but freaked out because my husband was coming and pressed send...just f-ing great. So I asked if Derek could just forget about the email.

He responds:

"I understand the sentiment of you prior e-mail as well as the need to vent feelings in an uncensored manner; it can be quite therapeutic to just let out what is on your mind. However, you must understand that I am a person with many, MANY flaws and that I am not nearly as “perfect” as you may remember me. I work too hard and make little time for those around me; I am overly harsh and critical of myself at times; and I am quite stubborn – just to name a few! Also, it may appear that I am “together,” but I am still in the middle of training with a residency and a fellowship left to do before I even think about getting a job…this is far from “together.” We all remember the good things (and let the bad things fade with time)…I am happy that I am “perfect” in your mind, but realize that I could never live up to your expectations, and it is possible that no one could realistically, not even your husband. You should consider discussing this concept further with your therapist, as an overwhelming set of expectations can have a huge impact on relationships.

I believe the true sentiment of your stream-of-consciousness e-mail was to create a situation in which you feel safe, content, and needed with your husband. Although directed at me these feelings and expectations for the relationship with your husband are not sinful or regretful. However, you need to acknowledge them and act to take your relationship with him to a better place. I think you should share this series of e-mails with your therapist. You should discuss how to work on your current relationship as well as how to foster relationships that meet your personal needs and goals leaving you more needed and fulfilled. This is especially true given your past interactions with people that left you feeling the opposite; all interactions that magnify your feelings of neglect and worthlessness compounding your present situation. I think your mantra is excellent, but you should also reverberate, “the past is past” to prevent thinking subconsciously about everything from before that is affecting your interactions now.

I am very happy to listen and council as best I can, but I am definitely no substitute for a qualified therapist. Life is a constant challenge…

Keep fighting,
D"

Ok...lovely so it is me with the ridiculous expectations. Is that a problem of mine? I didn't think so, but maybe I am wrong. M-kay, great. I feel bitter.

Here is me going more psycho and sending about 3 to many emails. I am so anxious and irrational...I hate being in this household. I was meant to be in a cave by myself alone forever...this would have prevented this whole durn mess.

"Hi D,

Yeah, my therapist’s vacation is lasting to long. I have been posting on some forums for support. We had my husband’s old roommate as a guest this week so our fighting has been on hold kind of, but apparently I am “helpless” and never do anything. Sorry for steam cleaning the carpet, doing the dishes, and laundry and staying up all night with your vomiting son. Yep, of course I don’t do anything.

Anyway, a poster on one of my forums said I should check out CoDA (Codependent Anonymous). I looked at there list of things people do and feel and I really think I have this problem. I am having trouble figuring out what my husband’s addiction is exactly because it seems to span into all kinds of things.

One of the reasons I feared being with you is that I knew just how hard you worked. Both of my parents are pretty much workaholics. I didn’t want to create that relationship again, but now I am with someone who doesn’t like to work. (Me shoveling snow and chipping ice of the drive with baby Thomas in a bunting in his stroller while he plays video game in bed.) He also is a perpetual dreamer. A new dream that is never followed through every 2 weeks can be a little much.

Also I was the scapegoat when my brother left home. Somebody has to be to blame for the mess right? My mother still may love you more than me. I am pretty sure she loves A. more than me. (He is still living with her.) Anyway, my mother hates Tom so he is the new scapegoat. It is nice to not be the most hated and blamed.

Let’s see he blames me for everything. You just adored me and were always there for me.

There was the issue of space. I am one who likes to have time to myself to think about everything. With Tom he doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything and can talk about himself for hours so I do feel a push on my space. You came over a lot and it was a little overwhelming for me as a teenager because I didn’t know how to tell you I needed alone time, but I think that we are adults so we could discuss that. I also think you didn’t want to go home to be around your family so my house was an escape.

He is anti-mormon but still on the church records. You...well I don’t think you have any interest in becoming a mormon, but don’t think you are going to tell me how wrong my faith is every other day even when I tell you I don’t like that like he does.

He hates therapy and almost shuns me for having anything to do with it. You encourage it all the time, which is very comforting.

He comes from a family of 9 and is very talented at connecting with kids and keeping them entertained, but is pretty lazy and only does this when he feels like it and is showing a horrible example for Thomas on how to treat women. You would be a good example even if you don’t have experience with little kids like my husband.

I have a feeling if I was in a relationship with you and said I was miserable and wanted to do couples counseling you wouldn’t deny me. I asked him three times yesterday. I told him I didn’t know how work thing out just us and I was miserable. He gave me three “no’s”

I know there is a reason someone as amazing as you in accomplishment and heart isn’t married. I can see how the amount of time your have put into your work has overtaken your personal life and relationships.

So the poetry and stream of consciousness of my feeling is one thing, but I am aware that it wouldn’t be a fairytale to be with you...just a better scenario than I have now.

My mother would like you better, you would work a lot, you wouldn’t be my son’s father and it would be a challenge, but I think that you would be kind to me and I could be able to pursue my art during all the time you were gone. I might need to spend some extra money on a nanny because it would be exhausting to do every thing for Thomas on my own, but hey that is what I am faced with if I leave Tom anyway.

I guess I adore your supportiveness and internally wish I could run off and be your roommate where ever you get your residency. It might be my codependency speaking, but I imagine doing the things like the dishes or cleaning the house or taking your dry cleaning in and you having gratitude and then you being supportive of my emotional health. I guess I want a safe kind person to be with.

I can dream right. A 2 bedroom with a large living space so I can have an area for a studio. I’d have to work and Thomas would be in preschool and day care and I’d do my school part time. Hopefully, I could earn enough to pay for rent and my other expenses and I would have my student loans if it wasn’t enough (instead of my husband stealing them).

Or when T. gets back from her vacation to Mexico I could live with her somewhere. Her lover left her for a younger woman."

I outline my "crazy" expectations. Then press send again out of fear of my darling spouse. Why God? Why? How did it get like this?

Then I sent the Charmers/Abusers article...don't worry I didn't say where it came from. And, here is the next email:

"OK I know I am probably going to drive you nuts, but I am trying to process so much and decide what to do and you are an intelligent man and seriously you are more “together” than you probably think and for the thousandth time I trust you because you’ve earned it.

I talked to my brother on the phone and am feeling much better. It was good to hear what he saw the few times that he has watched my family and Tom and made observations. (He is like that...an observer). He definitely clued me into some things that aren’t just me."

I don't know if he actually read these, yet even though I talk to him..I don't think so.

November 28, 2006
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mamacinnamon,

I cannot possibly meet my husbands expectations. I tried to talk to him again.

He hates me...I know it. I asked him what he wanted me to do about "my disease that I blame everything on." He said I need to grown up.

How the hell would that help?

I swear he has resented my very existence ever since I got sick. If it is all in my head, the therapy should have cleared it right up.

Apparently, I am a promise breaker too. After months of him not telling anyone that he didn't really believe in the Mormon church, me being sworn to secrecy, I told his mom. I was sick of the pretending.

Why do I have to cover for him? I am sorry I am such a terrible dishonest person...a big blabber mouth, but I can't help him lie all the time. Why did he tell me? I held on to it for a year while people asked me why I didn't just ask my husband for a blessing or why he wasn't at church or why I was miserable.

He's the f-ing lier.

He wants me to be up all night with our sick coughing son instead of him. Let me protect you from his coughing.

He won't admit he thinks that we are nothing, but burdens on his shoulders.

I hate him.

I hate the way he only brushes his teeth and showers every 2 or 3 days. I hate that he hoards stuff and has crap all over the floor next to his side of the bed. I hate how he goes through the trash room to get stuff we don't need.

Go back and live in the "foam home". His parents house is made of polyurethane foam which is filled with toxic smelling mold. There are 5 bedrooms and only one in use because the others and filled with junk.

I hate how he reads me "possum living". F- you buddy we are not quitting normal society and living off the land and slaughtering our own rabbits.

I f-ing hate him.

BUT sometimes I f-ing love him.

Why don't I feel confident enough to just say "F- it I am done."

Sorry about the faux swearing...but I am so angry.

Talk about broken promises...where is the love and cherishing.

Sorry I have a big mouth. Sorry sometimes I can't follow through on the things I want to do because I am in horrible pain. I guess I am a lier and an A-hole for trying. Silly me.

Like I don't feel guilty enough. I work until I disolve. It isn't enough. I will never be enough. I was never enough for my parents and now I am never enough for you, you stupid a-hole.

What does he want from me?

Oh and he is not abusive and if I think he is I should just leave. It should be over. What he did, didn't have bad intentions behind it so it should just be forgotten. He was tired.

I am putting him into an abusive role, but that isn't who he is and I am wrong...apparently.

One thing he doesn't apologize like in all the abuse cycle papers I see. He is in the right. He just explains him self rationally and says I am sorry you were so scared and hurt, but that isn't what I intended.

I don't care what you intended. You are an a-hole.

Go to hell.

He must not be an abuser because he doesn't say it will never happen again and that he is sorry.

Why can't I make my fibromyalgia go away. Why can't I have all the strength I had before. Would he be happy then? Would I fill that role?

My therapist says that it is an out of the frying pan and into the fire sort of an experience if I leave and that I need to build myself up carefully having enough education and money and legal support.

Damn it. they are going to give him my son. No buddy will believe me. He is too clever and non-emotional.

I am an emotional blob which a sh-tty past who has panic attacks. I am f-ing screwed. Why...why?

Ok great now I better go concentrate on my final projects for my 2 classes for my Master's Degree.

I must be an idiot. I am so angry. Somehow, I know it is all my fault. It is because I MADE myself have fibromyalgia. I MADE him secretly hate me and resent me. I LET all the sh-tty stuff in the past happen and affect me.

I think that sometimes my panic attacks are rage turned inward. I hit him on the chest once before. The guilt I felt was horrible. It was probably like a flea bouncing off him, but what kind of an insane animal does that. I threw plates and stuff from the refrigerator on to the floor smashing it. I dumped bowls of ice water on him when I was angry trying to step down the violence. I won't break thing or hit I thought.
This was the 1st year of our marriage.

We went to counseling. I knew I was wrong.

I hate him. I really hate him.

I am never good enough.

I don't do anything to hurt him now. Instead I have panic attacks where I hurt myself. I wish inside that I could be hitting his head and pulling his hair out instead of doing it to myself.

Revelation.

hmmm...

Maybe that is what it is really about. It wouldn't have been safe to pull my mother's hair out or hit her face when she was hitting me and physically abusing me. I think I did it too myself because I wished I could do it to her. I probably would have ended up dead if I did though.

She would show me not to hit back.

I hate him because he hates me. I hate him. I want to hurt him. Hurt him bad. I am so angry. I am so trapped. I wish I could beat the living sh-t right out of him. Shoot off his toes individually with a gun.

But instead I just try harder to be the wife I can't be because I have fibromyalgia and a bad past that thwarts my relationships.

They are my eternal excuses to him...excuses that are in excusable.

I hate him so much. I wish I could tear him apart, but instead I will cook him dinner and set up a nice date night and try a little harder.

I wish I could hit him in the head with the blunt end of an ax. Leave him inches from death then let him recover for a day or two then give him about 5 solid whacks and repeat the process for 20 years never letting him die only letting him suffer intense pain that make him think he is going to die and then put some ridiculous expectations on him like wanting the vetables in the salad arranged ornately and precisely.

And if he can do it then I take a 2 by 4 to his shins.

But instead I will take in his dry cleaning and fold his laundry until my back is sore. I will listen to him blabber on about fusion and real estate dreams that change every week and conspiracy theories and house plans for a house that will never be built and his news for nerds website. I will sit there for hours and only interject a couple times to talk about our son and our relationship, but kindly give him the floor to talk about all the other stuff that is much more important and never ending.

Ok so you hit a sore spot. Maybe now I can sleep.

November 28, 2006
10:03 am
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turnabout,

He thinks that was doing the right thing when he slammed the door on me because he was trying to make sure I didn't go into my son when we were doing a ferber sleep program to get my son to say in bed. My son was screaming" I am poopie." over and over again because he needed a diaper change.

We are supposed to leave our little son in a soiled diaper all night long?

I couldn't even see him in the dark so it really scared me when the door slammed. It really hurt my back and shoulder.

But he was preventing me from "ruining" our sons sleep. So he was in the right...he did nothing wrong he said. He didn't mean to shut the door on me just slam in front of me. Well, how many women like having doors slammed in front of them.

Apparently I have my warped glasses of the past on...so it is my problem

November 28, 2006
12:14 pm
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I hate my life. I hate my husband.

Look I am here again...talking to myself...quite frequently now. I am going to hell in a handbasket.

Let's add obsessive compulsive to codependent because look I am here again babbling.

Dang it I feel like some sort of retard that can't make choices for herself.

I can't please everyone and my deep wish is that I can please every damn person in the world living and dead. Another fairytale. Sheesh...I am so alone. I am so needy. What is wrong with me? I am so isolated. I am nothing now.

There isn't an antidepressant strong enough out there.

When are my $30 worth of codependcy books going to be here?

How did I become such a retarded little invalid? I am so angry and so controlled by my emotions.

Why do I feel so trapped?

Retarded lame-o eating disorder. I am not eating well, but oh well because on the BMI I probably morbidly obese. 176 lbs and 5'3" oh well 2 and half weeks ago I was 183 lbs. I feel nauseous when I eat.

I feel so crazy. I can't handle it. I mind as well buy a scale so I can weigh myself 6 times a day like in highschool. Damn fibromyalgia. I can't obsessively exercise anymore unless I want to be curled up in a ball and have no one take care of my son.

If I wasn't Mormon I am sure I'd go coke myself up and then get drunk. Make it all go away...now.

I need a xanax....everyday for the rest of my life...or maybe I just premenstral and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I will feel some sense of peace soon.

November 28, 2006
1:09 pm
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You just need a release and you found an accepting place for it here. It's okay. Go ahead and ramble away.

It's my workday right now, so I don't have enough time to spill my thoughts back to you. I'll just encourage you to keep venting, as you seem to need it. Nothing wrong with it, and we're here holding your hand, even if we're silent.

I think you made a good comment about the panic attacks being your rage turned inward. Very astute observation.

November 28, 2006
5:01 pm
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Thank you turnabout,

I have been feeling better after getting all that out. I meet with someone from the Women's Center tomorrow.

My son is sick and I had to get a shot in my bursa in my hip today. Ouch!

I wish my husband would work more...like never come home. I feel tension as the time for him to get home comes closer.

November 28, 2006
5:44 pm
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Mamacinnamon,

I keep thinking out you and your fibromyalgia....The rest of my life might be screwed up, but my fibromyalgia is getting better.

http://www.amazon.com/Fibromya.....05-3453269

Here is a link to a great magazine I found at Whole Foods. The fibromyalgia association will put a stamp of approval on different products and therapy...not many stamps, but think they are on to something.

Here is what I liked and found during my journey looking for relief...but everyone is different so...for what it's worth, right?

Check out your feet: do you have morton's foot or overpronations or supination...My posture is better with these inserts.
http://www.mortonsfoot.com/

I found them FM Aware.

o24 fibromyalgia spray...I love it.

http://www.o24.us/

Smells good and sooths pain...but DON'T get it in you eyes.

Often people with FM have myofascial pain too.

This book helps when you get a nagging pain and it is muscle related.

http://www.amazon.com/Trigger-.....38;s=books

As for pharmaceuticals, cymbalta has really made my pain less severe. It is an anti-depressant that doctors use on diabetics with neuropathy. Doctors are starting to prescribe it to people with other pain syndromes.

I gotta warn you...nausea for about a month a first, but I feel a lot better in terms of pain now.

I read "Treating and Beating Fibromyalgia" but it seems like some of the treatments are more out there than others.

What I gleened from it though, is that an allergy elimation diet is helpful. You go 2 weeks with out wheat (gluten), corn, soy, dairy, and nightshades (tomatoes, white potatoes, peppers, eggplant). Be prepared to eat a lot of rice and meat to survive and nuts too.

Then you re-introduce one food group at a time for one day. Eat 3 servings of it. Go back on the elimination diet for 3 days and go to the next food group. For some reason he says re-introduce dairy first.

He says you can eat butter during the diet too. (?)

Keep a journal of symptoms. If you have a severe reaction...I had diarhea and asthma with the nightshade group...take that food out of you diet for 6 months and slowly rotate it into your diet. lesser reactions 3 months.

I tried re-introducing suspect food twice while on the elim diet. I was already pretty sure about my wheat allergy, but this clarified things further. With nightshade the same thing happened again...so I have been cutting those out. I forgot and ate mashed potatoes during thanksgiving and started wheezing.

Do you have anything that has worked for you?

November 29, 2006
7:04 am
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Back to brain dump.

Do I wait until he screws up again so i can call the police?

I have never done that.

The first year we were married he called the police on me for hurting myself. I was really humiliated. Aside from that, I sure there is record of that and all my mental health issues will be dragged out in front of a court.

Maybe, if I changed how I act and work on my codependency something Will happen to change our relationship.

But what if waiting until he screws up puts him on the upper hand because he might do it when I am down and out and unprepared.

If he had a police record too then maybe that would assure I would get our son if I left.

Been reading VA law in pamphlets for Women's Center. When you take the child with you and leave then you are more likely to get custody...but it is better to have proof of abuse when you do. If you leave without your child, you are pretty much screwed and have to make the other parent look like they are a terrible parent in court if you want custody.

I would never leave my little guy behind...I feel like I put all the work in anyway.

Is it typical for a father to only spend 30 minutes a day on work days interacting with their child?Sometimes on weekends he will take him to visit family for hours at a time when I need time to finish up my painting assignments.

Maybe, I do have unrealistic expectations. I am responsible for 23 and 1/2 hours for five days a week and 40 hours per weekend.

He never gets up with him at night when little T is sick or has a nightmare...I am on call all 8 hours of the night for nightmares and diaper changes, vomit, and coughing...and all of this happens a lot.

I have FM which pretty much tells you I will have a sleep disorder which prevents deep sleep, which in turn prevents restoration of the body and it's muscles...so it is fair that I am put in this position?

OK 2 and 1/2 + 8 on the weekend =10 and 1/2

23 x 5= 115 +40 0n the weekend=155 hours

Wow, women everywhere should just shoot themselves in the thigh instead. What the hell? Is this what I signed up for?

Would he spend more time with our son if we were divorced? let's see 48 hours every other weekend so divided by 2 for one weeks worth 24 hours per week. M-kay then.

Why didn't I just stay single and get artificially inseminated at 33 year old? That would have been much easier and I wouldn't have to expect any help from anyone I didn't pay. (I am 28 now just so you know.) Man I could have knocked out my Master's Degree already, made a bunch of money to save for my baby, and lived whereever I wanted. (I live on a military base I will call Hell in the very remote desert of Utah for 3 years) Give me a break!!!! I would have been living in San Francisco or New York City if I knew the alternative.

My church teaches all about finding your eternal companion and going to the temple with them often and praying together and building each other up and how child are a blessing...hmmm, maybe if your relationship with your spouse isn't toxic and your spouse doesn't renounce your religion and tell you how screwed up it is at least every 2 days when you asked not to talk about it because it really interfers with your spirituality.

He is the one who wanted 9 or 10 kids when we first got married. Sorry I am not an idiot like your mom...I am not having 9 kids at least not with you.

Hmmm...I guess his dad was really into spending time with the family though. Big different.

After I had brain barfed yesterday, I was doing laundry while singing a song I authored in the moment, which I call "Control Freak." It must be sung in broadway music style loudly.

Something like "living with a control freak makes you weak..you gotta be submissive n' you gotta be meek...cuz your living with a control freak..oh yeah one more time Cooooontttrrrooollll Ffffreeeeeak, YEAH!"

Maybe I am bi-polar too...or extraordinarily moody, but I was crying when I was typing away all the negatism then I played with my son and he was so funny and cute and then I was in a super good mood. After that came my try out for my own musical.

Maybe I am just a weirdo artist girl...maybe I should have said woman...hmm...too late. I think you have to go weeks or days in a depressed stage and flip to a manic stage for a while to be bipolar though. It happens all during one day for me. What do you ladies...err...folks think? There are male poster here too.

November 29, 2006
2:23 pm
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I hate my husband. I freaking hate him. Jerk.

Just calling to make sure you do my biding. How did paying the rent become my responsibility anyway? Sure I will do it then you can follow me around and call me to check and see when I do it...fun.

He will just add things and add thing until I break.

You have to do this and do it my way. What kind of crap is this. I hate him. Stupid bastard.

Do you want to work part time and go to school part time or do you want to go to school fulltime?

Sure I'll do that, but I need a nanny.

No I want to have a kid watch Thomas from 4-6:30 and then I will join a club that has 2 hour daycare and go work out so you can work or go to school.

(That is fine except you are a f-ing lier and don't follow through with anything. Ummm...just like you play with Thomas at night in exchange for me doing bed time by myself....yeah that must be a nice movie you are watching instead and oh are you having fun on the internet while I play with and bath Thomas instead.)

No this is what I really said...No you will probably be too tired for that. Why don't I just keep going to school part time?

silent angry pause.

Let me think about it ok?

nothing again from him

Ummm...Thomas is coughing a lot. I need to go so can give him some cough medication.

ok.

I love you

he says nothing...Click.

Does anyone else think he is a craphead?

Ok...lay it on me. I am too sensitive. It's my fault he is responding like that.

I hate him. Anyone care to lope off his head with head with a samuri sword. Go ahead I won't stop you.

November 29, 2006
2:35 pm
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Artist--

Have been reading your story through your threads. We are in very similar situations.

Yes, I agree--he sounds like a selfish you know what. And it bothers me that there are men out there that think it's ok.

And I understand how you feel about the samuri sword. Wish I could help you out (but my kids would be lost without me.

In fact...yesterday, my husband went out drinking with his best friend. And I knew that he was going to get his drink on--bad. For the first time ever, I did something about it aside from just sit and hope and pray that he gets home ok. I actually made a call to the police department to let them know where he was going to be (and he needs to be "extra careful" because of his previous DUI) Ok, so I know that it is childish--but if he is not going to listen to me......then maybe he will have to listen to with a blue suit.

Of course, he did make it home, drunker than a skunk, but at least I tried. I didn't even feel guilty.

And by the way--it is not your fault you are responding like that--it is your right to respond like that. Takes a long time to learn that, I know, and I still am struggling with that.

Good luck and if you ever want to vent again, I would love to read through it.
Soprano

November 29, 2006
9:15 pm
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Thanks soprano,

Sometimes I feel so isolated that...I don't know if I am talking to myself here.

I forget sometimes there are lurkers or people who don't know how to respond.

Wow...that's really crappy about the alcohol problem. He is totally endangering his life and many others. That is not childish to report what is going on. It is responsible.

I mean I'm thinking the codependent thing to do is give him rides to and from the bar and be a designated driver, right?

I know it has got to be crappy to be with someone who doesn't have it in them to stay present around you. It is almost like alcoholics love and serve their God the bottle more than the people around them.

You turn into a real lier especially emotionally when you are addicted. Believe me I know...I did with bulimia and anorexia. You really have to live a lie to get to a toilet after all your meals. I think the secrecy and symptoms of each addition can be different though.

It is hard to have kids dragged into this crap.

I do all his little whims because I don't want my three year old to see us get into a huge argument.

November 30, 2006
11:11 am
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Do You feel like a Victim?

December 1, 2006
4:00 pm
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mj,

Yes, sometimes I do feel like a victim.

He says for marriage there is no "out" clause for him. For me the out clause is abuse and not looking to solve it and get better....blah blah blah.

Anyway, I saw my therapist and whether I go or stay I had to be empowered.

Empowered is my new mantra. EMPOWERED.

I am getting my own checking account!!!

December 1, 2006
6:37 pm
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I am happy for you artist girl. Empowerment is Certainly a Freeing Energy! I am glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself and getting your own checking account!

December 1, 2006
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Wow, a.g., my eyes bugged out! Way to go, girl! What an impressive, massive step towards your independence. With or without him, you need your independence. You have to determine for yourself the direction of your life in both the big and small things. This step is so, so huge. I'm so happy for you!

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