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New here, Deperate to get help
September 29, 2008
11:36 am
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Skylyr
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I am in serious need of some help. I am in a situation where I am being physically abused by my partner. I lie to cover his ass all of the time. I have never told a soul, though I believe that people must suspect it. I am not allowed to leave the house without his permission, and he is always checking on me. I went to get my hair done the other day. He brought me a flower at the beauty salon. He acted all sweet in front of others, but I knew why he was there. He was just checking to see if I was really where I said I was going to be. He does things like this all of the time. I am trapped in this house all of the time. The world believes that he is an angel. He is anything but. Please, help me. I have it made financially here. I don't worry about that aspect of things. I have a college education, but since the time that he thought that I was cheating on him, he has required me to stay home. I am desperate for affection, for love. I try to do everything I can, just right. Nothing makes him happy though. If his dinner isn't just right, or if he had a bad day at work, or if he can't find whatever he is looking for, I pay for it. It isn't horrible all of the time. Usually once he is done beating on me, he wants sex. I always give in, because I know that will change his behavior. Why can't he love me the way I thought that he did? I fear what will happen if I try to leave one day while he is gone. Please help. Any advice would be really helpful. I am in real trouble here.

September 29, 2008
12:25 pm
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CAMER
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basically you just have to get out, and don't turn back.

Can you go to a friends/family's home to stay, till you get situated where you can live??

the quicker you leave, the quicker all of this will stop.

September 29, 2008
12:37 pm
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StronginHim77
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Contact the Domestic Violence Hotline for your area. They have "800" numbers. Also, you need to gather some important documents/papers, while preparing to escape and put them in a safe place:

- Birth Certificate

- All credit card statements/records

- All utility bill records (if in your name)

- Copy of lease (if your name is on it)

- Title/registration and insurance papers for your car.

- All keys to your car (if he has a spare, take it right before leaving, if you can do so safely)

- Stash as much cash as possible. If you have a joint account, take half the day you "escape."

- Leave no forwarding with the post office, neighbors or family members.

- Take your tax returns.

- Pack all jewelry, mementoes and portable, precious belongings.

- Keep your car gassed up and ready to roll.

- Get a cell phone that is prepaid and hide it in the trunk of your car or wherever you are safely hiding your papers.

- Pack a suitcase with your basic clothes/shoes/toiletries and keep it in the trunk, also.

The Domestic Violence Hotline will direct you to a shelter where you will receive shelter, legal aid, counseling for abuse, etc. They will be a GOLDMINE in helping you to exit safely.

This man is extremely sick and probably dangerous. Let the DV know that he has threatened and physically abused you. That qualifies you for their aid.

Are there any medical records for the injuries he has done to you? If you have any, gather them up and bring them, as well.

The DV Shelter will also advise you on how to obtain an R/O (restraining order) against him.

Keep posting. We are here for you.

- Ma Strong

September 29, 2008
12:40 pm
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StronginHim77
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The DV Shelter will also advise you on how to cancel any utilities/land phone lines in your name at your residence, so bills won't get racked up in your name. Also, you will need their advice on where the "final bills" can safely be mailed, so that he cannot trace you.

If he has your cell phone number (and I am assuming that he does), please cancel that number the day you leave. That way, he cannot send you threatening, intimidating messages or text messages. Confirm with the DV Shelter or a lawyer that this is the best thing to do (unless they want to set him up for threatening you with concrete evidence of same on your cell.)

- Ma

September 29, 2008
12:45 pm
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Anam Cara
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Say Skylyr - seems you have come to the right place - so glad this thread will help you to get from this awful experince. Good luck and keep close.

September 30, 2008
10:37 pm
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Longshot
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Skylyr-walk out and never look back. Ma Stong's so good to have such a good complete list for you.

He will never love you like you're yearning for. Men like him are generally not capable of it. They seek control and possession of their partner.

(()) Means hugs-giggles told me when I first posted.

(((((Skylyr)))))

September 30, 2008
10:52 pm
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sdesigns
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Also, take pictures of any injuries such as bruises, etc. Document everything- date, time, what was said, done, witnesses.

sd

October 1, 2008
2:12 am
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fantas
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(((Skylyr))), I second everything Ma said. Be very careful and try no to do anything that will cause him to suspect what you are planning including deleting the history of your using this website.
Be safe and know that you aren't alone. All the best to you. Sending you lots of positive thoughts!!!

October 6, 2008
3:39 am
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Spankymarie
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(((Skylyr))) lots of positive thoughts for you!!

October 6, 2008
7:52 am
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helpplease
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skylyr, so sorry you are going through this. you will get the support you need posting here. it must be really stressful to be going through this. you deserve so much better. love, hp

October 7, 2008
6:43 pm
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((((Skylyr))) Welcome to the site! I missed your thread, haven't been around much lately. However, it's a great, safe place to post on! There are LOTS of wonderful people here, who are truly caring!

I hope that you are okay. Please post when you get a chance. !!
@--]----- Giggles

October 8, 2008
7:28 pm
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Skylyr
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Thank you all for your input and advice. I try to be very careful when I am on the computer, and am trying to cover all of my tracks. The last thing that I need is for him to know that I am writing to people about him. He is around a lot, and stopping in at all points of the day. I try very hard to be "busy" doing something productive if he should arrive home at any point. He claims that I am lazy, and worthless. I am trying so hard to please him, but have realized that it just isn't that simple.

He has stopped me from most of my friendships. I am not allowed to be on the phone when he is around, and if by chance I am, god forbid I walk out of the room. He automatically gets angry. Like I am not able to have a conversation with anyone. There are many people that have given up on my friendship because I am not reliable for things. I can't ever go out, and even talking on the phone is becoming impossible, as I just tried to explain.

I want out of this life, and I know in my heart that I deserve better. I just fear leaving, and I fear what happens once I am gone.

All of your advice and input is appreciated. Just know that no matter how stupid it seems that I am still here, I am almost more afraid of what happens if I leave.

October 8, 2008
7:31 pm
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Giggles_29
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(((((Skylyr)))))~ Is there anyone you can talk to or go to about this? Do you have any family nearby? Or any friends?

I am very worried about you. I do understand you being afraid, but you do deserve better. You do deserve to be truly happy, loved, respected, and to be safe!!!!!!!!!

October 8, 2008
8:05 pm
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7squared
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That sounds extreme horrible, like you are prisoner in your own home. Do you have children, too?

October 8, 2008
8:08 pm
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Skylyr
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Hi Giggles. I don't know where to go. That is a lot of my problem. See, he always makes himself out to be the good guy. Did you ever see Madeas Family Reunion? It is so similar to that. When we are around other people, he is an angel. I fear not being believed. He is typically well liked and respected by the people that know him.

My family lives on the East Coast about 700 miles from me. I do believe that my sister knows. We were always pretty close when we were kids. As time has gone on, my contact with her has been less and less. Part of me is so ashamed, and the other part of me is desperately afraid of not being believed.

His family hasn't liked me since day one. They felt that he deserved better. Maybe that is true. I really don't even know anymore. Some days I think that I deserve better, but all the things he tells me about why he does what he does, they are true also.

I do believe that he loves me. Most of the time I even think that he respects me. It is just when he gets angry that he doesn't know how to act like a human.

Safe, I dream of that feeling. One day. I just am not sure if I am more safe here than I am if I leave.

October 8, 2008
8:33 pm
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StronginHim77
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Again, contact the local DV (Domestic Violence) Hotline. They will send you to a safe shelter whose location is NEVER disclosed. All you have to do to qualify is tell them what he is doing to you. PERIOD.

I did attempt to give you a list of how to prepare/what to secretly pack. Now, the ball is in your court.

In most cases of domestic violence, the abused partner is afraid to leave her abuser. That is what you are facing now: that fear of being alone, even though the abuse will stop. Your fear keeps you trapped.

Please -- again -- contact the DV Hotline. They will be able to give you SAFE, PRIVATE counsel from people who understand your fear.

- Ma Strong

October 8, 2008
8:40 pm
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Skylyr
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StronginHim77,
I copied your list and put it somewhere safe. I have most of that stuff all in one place. You say the ball is in my court. Not once have I said otherwise. That doesn't just take away my fears. You don't know him, nor do you know my situation that well. Maybe for some it has been as easy as you giving them a list, for me, I am sorry that it is not.
You need not tell me that the abuse I suffer is in my own hands. I understand that I am here by choice. I also understand the fears that I carry and the threats that have been made. I don't care how safe any place may be in your eyes. Trusting anyone to keep me away from him is something that I do not think will happen.
Thank you for the information. I hope that some day soon I can get out of here. I don't need him being able to trace phone calls to a DV hotline either. I don't think you realize the magnitude of this sitation.

October 8, 2008
9:07 pm
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surfgirl
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Skylyr-
I just read this thread. OMG. You poor woman. You actually believe what he is doing is rationalized. I know, I was there once. I am now on this site because of a painful breakup with a man, but I was once married to a monster just like yours. I understand the fear of leaving. I understand no one believing you. I understand his charisma and ability to manipulate people.
I am not great proof that you will survive, but you will. I survived a brutal relationship, I just never fixed myself, and now am on this site because I continued the same patterns, just not with physically abusive men. Don't be like me!!!
Do you have any money? Are you able to set aside cash without him knowing? I tried the DV hotline myself but it really didn't work for me. It didn't seem like a permanent fix at the time. I was also living well, and yes, for as horrible as that sounds now, was scared to leave the money. I was so beaten down by him that I was convinced I would not be able to go out and support myself.
I was living in fear constantly, always afraid he would walk in on me and not see me doing something, anything, because he too said I was lazy and worthless. After being hit I would do anything to get HIM in a better mood. Sex, pour him a drink, basically jump around him like a puppy trying to make him happy. I was isolated and lost all my friends as well. It is their way of having ultimate control.
Have you ever called the police? Just asking. I did a few times but it never helped, only got him even angrier.
You HAVE to get out. I have not seen the list mentioned earlier, but make it simple. You have to have money though. I started writing checks for more than the amount everywhere I could and made sure to throw away reciepts before I got home. I built up enough to just leave one night. Across state lines. I then got in contact with an aunt who I told eveything to. Trust me, people will believe you. This stuff just can't be made up. And anyone with a mind will see his charismatic good natured act is just that. He fits every definition of a classical abuser and in this day and age, people have heard of it.
Don't give ANY indication you are doing any of this. Erase the history on the computer every time you get off. Don't make calls from the house that can be traced. It sounds sick, but the more he thinks you are happy and content, the less he will suspect.
I wish I could pick you up and bring you home with me tonight. I am crying typing this because reading this thread has brought back a lot of memories. I know a lot of people will give different advice, but this is what I can tell you for now. Keep posting, it will help you build your strength back up and you need it. The emotional abuse you are enduring is having as much affect as the physical, even more. If you don't get your head in the right place, you won't leave, or you will end up back with him. And you will pay dearly.

I don't pray, but you will be in my thoughts.
Hang in there

Surfgirl

October 9, 2008
6:52 pm
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surfgirl
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Skylyr-
How are you today? If you can please let me know how you are doing. Hang in there and focus on yourself.

Surf

October 10, 2008
5:27 pm
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Skylyr
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Thanks for checking on me Surf.

I am doing ok today. I am trying to find a way to get out one day and come up with a good excuse. I am trying to plan it when I know that he will be gone for a long period of time, and not able to check on me at the same time.

I will find a way at that point to make some calls and see what I can come up with. I have to get out of here. Things are getting worse every day. I fear expounding on that, the truth is so hard to handle right now.

My showing up at this site wasn't intended to frighten you or anyone for me. I just want help out of this crazy life. The roller coaster of emotion is almost unbearable. Even more devastating to me though is the abuse that I am going through.

Last night was the worst that I had ever encountered. I fear more and more every day.

Ok, I have to get off of here. I am not sure when he will be returning. I need to clear my history, and get some things done.

Your concern is heartwarming. All of you.

Much appreciation, Sky

October 10, 2008
7:13 pm
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CAMER
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planning is good, even if you are not ready to escape just yet, keep working on a way to get out, to get help, to find a friend or family member and stay with them.

I have read your post ((sky)) and my thoughts and prayers are with you!!

October 10, 2008
7:29 pm
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fantas
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(((Sky))) Hang in there!!! You are doing well. You aren't alone. Have you tried stashing some of the very important documents somewhere outside the home every time he leaves so that you should he ever decide to kick you out or you make it out of the house one of these nights, you have this stuff. Also, if you can take digital image of yourself and the bruises,print them and send them to someone like family member and with a detailed letter, and send these to a family, the police station, a friend, co- worker, neighbour or to all of these. I know you know how this could end and injustice would be doubled if he got of scotch free again like he is doing now.

I think it's a good plan to wait until he is gone for a long period of time but that day maybe sooner than late. Sending you lots of compassionate and strength energy. Keep posting!!

October 10, 2008
7:39 pm
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surfgirl
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Sky-
You being here is to get help and no one is frightened. Concerned, yes. Willing to give support. Yes. We all are here for reasons, and right now you are here for help, just like all of us.

When you are ready to talk details, we will be here. There is probably nothing you can say that will shock anyone. Make us care and want to help, yes.

Hang in there and be strong. The most important thing you can do right now is get out of there. You will be able to put your life together and move on to better things, but right now taking care of yourself in this situation is most important. I am sure it is probably hard to talk about details when you are still in it, but I truly hope you see the truth without having to voice it. Nothing you can say is wrong. It is what you are dealing with and this is the place to do it.

Keep me updated on your situation when you can.

I will be thinking of you.

Surf

October 11, 2008
12:08 pm
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Hello. thank you for the suggestion of how to get money. i want to do this because i need to get out as soon as i can. but i don't know where to hide the money. if i start a bank account with it i would need an atm card because it probly would be night when i leave after he passes out. does anyone have any suggestions? i can't live like this any more.

October 11, 2008
5:13 pm
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surfgirl
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Cleopat70-
It is just me but I would keep stashing cash where you can get to all of it at once when you are ready to leave. Even with an ATM card, you can only take out so much at one time, and depending on how far you are trying to get away, may need more than that. Also, if you do leave and attempt to get far enough away, will your ATM card work where ever you go? And it leaves a trail. I would go for stashing cash and disappearing. Just make sure it is a safe place he won't find it. You can't believe the things some men will do to find things. Somewhere out of your house if you can?

Surf

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