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New here - Both he & I co-dependent (longish)
May 29, 2006
12:51 pm
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ConfusedCyn
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Hello all,

I am hurting so so bad right now. I am married to a man who I I love very much, but since I only recently realized that we are both very co-dependent, I don't trust my feelings.

It's gotten to the point where I have told him I need to get help (AGAIN - 16th therapist in 20 years) and that we need to stop interacting in a 'relationship' manner. For too many reasons to explain here (mainly financial and logistical), we cannot live separately, so we must try to co-habitate for now.

The thing is...I am so attached to him in every way - I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing, regardless of what he chooses to do (he's in therapy for borderline personality disorder, but vehemently denies being co-dependent - according to him I am the one 'causing' this...of course). But my feelings are so strong and I literally have NO ONE else in my life - so it is just tearing me up to keep this emotional separation (including physical/sexual). (I also have no access to transportation independent of him - so it limits my ability to go meet people. I don't work because of illness.)

I feel so lonely and so hurt. I feel stuck. How does one live with the person they are most co-dependent with, especially if there is any real love, without continuing to be co-dependent?

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS!! (crying)

I just need some support.

CC

May 29, 2006
12:58 pm
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Robert123
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I suggest checking out codependents.org website. There is a lot of good information there and a list of meeting sites.

May 29, 2006
1:08 pm
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ConfusedCyn
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Thanks, Robert...I have visited their site - but I am extremely non-religious (no offense taken or meant - that's just me) and I have a very difficult time with some of their ideology and methods. That is one of the reasons I liked this forum, because religion is not a part of it.

Also, I don't have any transportation to get to any meetings - so that's kind of out right now.

What I need most of all right now is just to hear from others who feel or have felt this way. I need to know that others have done this and it can be done.... I am pretty scared.

Thanks again, though.

CC

May 29, 2006
1:12 pm
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sleepless in uk
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CC

Welcome here and I hope you will find this site helpful...codependency is a new word for me and I am still trying to get my head around it but I found 2 books really helpful

Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency both by Melody Beattie.

My counsellor suggested them to me and when I was reading it was like a light went on in my head....describing all those feelings of anxiety and walking on eggshells and the need to 'fix' everything and everybody

You mightnt find them useful but lots of people here have

And I have found reading the threads on here and sometimes starting one if I need support has really really helped

I am so sorry for what you are going through...do keep posting

take care

May 29, 2006
1:32 pm
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ConfusedCyn
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Thank you so much for the kind, kind words sleepless. Just hearing from others that they understand helps.

I have heard of both of those books and as soon as I can get to the bookstore or library (hopefully in the next few days), I am going to check them out.

It's funny - when you mentioned the 'control' thing, I realize that I have probably been controlling in ways, (heh - I've always WISHED I could control everything in my environment, but learned very young that that was a futile effort..), but ironically my whole life I have FELT totally out of control (i.e. - emotional panic is a way of life). Is that part of this, do you think?

The hardest part is keeping my distance from my husband emotionally.. which in the state of mind that I'm in right now, is really hard to do. Very lonely.

Any one can chime in here... all input is so appreciated. 😀

CC

May 29, 2006
3:01 pm
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ConfusedCyn
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Ok, I am falling apart. I have to be in this house with this man, who I have such strong feelings for, and somehow start to distance myself from him...and it is SO hard.

I'm angry and want the distance..but I am SO lonely at the same time. I don't want to obsessively post, but I'm desperate for some kind of encouragement to keep me from going to him for 'reassurance'. I know if I do that I will end up regretting it. But I don't feel very strong and... the loneliness..... so I'm posting here instead.

So sad..

CC

May 29, 2006
4:46 pm
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CC

Many of us are in the same situation. It is hard and confusing. I've recently been hurt in a very public way by my husband's sex life. He was "outed" by an employee of mine.

I have very strong feelings for him, but like you am having to start distancing myself from him. I had him move to the guest bedroom. It is hard, it is lonely. It makes me cry a lot, but that's okay. Its in my best interest to separate emotionally and focus on me.

I am working hard to take of myself by eating right, exercising some, getting rest (not working so well right now.)

I want to invite him back. I want everything to back to the way it once was. But that is not too be for now. I have to understand what co-dep is. I've only learned the word in the last two weeks. I've ordered the recommended books, but they won't arrive for two weeks. I know I have plenty of issues to work on for myself.

You are not alone. This posting is a good place for support. So many people have been what you are going through. I don't have any advice for you because I'm just trying to figure this out myself. We have a long walk in front of us, but have the support we need to get to the other side.

Take care, CC and look towards the brightness of the future.

May 29, 2006
5:08 pm
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Robert123
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Hey CC,
Coda doesn't endorse any religion...they do talk about a higher power (as we understand it)which has been really freeing for me. Hope things work out for you. Sounds like you are in a difficult place.
R

May 29, 2006
7:04 pm
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sleepless in uk
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CC Its really complicated isnt it...I have felt for years that I am married to a controlling bully (actually that bit is true) and that I have no control over what happens to me but the truth is I have tried so hard to make everything right; to fix everything, to control situations until everyone is happy, to be a perfect wife, a great mother, a hard successful worker blah blah blah...I always thought if only I could keep the house tidier or the kids quiet or spend less money blah blah blah everything would be better.

My whole life I have tried to please and nurture everyone and surprise surprise it hasnt worked...

My needs dont get met so I get resentful instead of standing up for myself...I anticipate everyone elses needs and then get upset when they dont anticipate mine...I am not honest and straightforward and I cry all the time because it hurts so much.....

BUT....I have started to get wise to myself. I am detaching emotionally, I am starting to stand up for myself and not be a pushover...I am still terrified of confronation of any kind and I really have a long way to go and I am so so lonely but I am aware of what is going on now and I am setting boundaries and oh boy he doesnt like it...

I am seriously considering leaving him but dont know if I will ever be strong enough

but this site has shown me that sometimes the best we can do for now is take tiny baby steps and make ourselves better bit by bit....I take heart from hearing that people have managed to change their relationships and not had to leave them...

I am still at the deciding stage...sometimes I think we have a chance and then the next day I think why would I want to waste another day being treated with disresoect...but I am tryiing to think calmly and clearly and I really do think detaching has helped a lot...it is hard and you feel a little numb but sometimes numbness is more bearable than pain....

and yoour relationship with your husband sounds very different from mine and it sounds like you both love and respect each other so maybe you have a better chance than I

anyway i hope some of this helps...I know we are all different and from all different corners of the world but its amazing how similar our experiences are

take good good care

love sleepless

May 29, 2006
7:47 pm
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ConfusedCyn
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Thank you soooooo much for sharing your experiences and thoughts with me, sleepless.

I do believe that my husband and I love each other, but I am not sure it is in a healthy way. He had a very dysfunctional childhood and adolescence and although he went through therapy he is still pretty much blind to some of the hurtful things he does. Or how manipulative he is. (He has already lured me into a discussion of how screwed up he is and how he can see that 'even though no one cares about' him, he needs to 'respect my wishes no matter what it does to him'. AARRGGHH!!)

I also had a bad growing up but have really just started to realize how much it has affected me my whole life and in sooo many different ways.

Your post helped me alot. I don't have any idea either at this point how things will turn out. This is just the beginning of 'my journey' out of old pain and habits. I'd like to think things will work out, but my heart says I can't think about that right now - I have to get myself emotionally healthy first.

But it sure helps ALOT to know the wonderful people on this board are here to share with. I only hope that at some point I will have wisdoms and true encouragement to offer.

Thanks again.

CC

May 29, 2006
7:58 pm
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sleepless in uk
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CC sounds like you are further down the road to recovery than your husband....that was a pretty manipulative statement he made!!!!
(Although I think i might have said something similar at one stage!!! Oh poor me)!!!!

I wish you well...you sure do seem to have an awful lot of insight and that must surely be a huge step...I hope your husband can move on too but youre right, for now you have to get yourself healthy

keep us posted love sleepless

May 30, 2006
12:32 pm
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taj64
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Im sorry for all of your emotional distress. What i am hearing is that you do not work, and that you do not drive. You are completely dependent on others. You say you have an illness. I do not know your illness but it would seem to me, that you are limiting your life to be built around a man that is not good for you. Have you thought about getting your driver's license even if you do not have a car or insurance to at least learn to drive? You will gain a lot of self esteem if you pursue other things so that you can be independent no matter where this relationship goes. You could probably work at home as well. I hope you know you are not alone and that things will get better if you try different things and if they don't work then try something else. I wish you luck - TAJ

May 30, 2006
12:41 pm
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ConfusedCyn
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Thank you TAJ.

I already have my driver's license - but no car. I did work at home as a high level software contractor for over 10 years, but last year I got so sick I was unable to work. Originally I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, but now all of my docs believe that most of my problems are from severe (sudden-onset, but now chronic) PTSD, and as a result, co-dependence.

I just posted a new thread about where I am today....so maybe you will understand why I am not working.

I am confused because I have really really tried hard to find options and solutions and after months and months I am not getting help and am getting worse.

Thank you for your encouragement though - finding this board has been a ray of light for me.

CC

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