Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
New Here: Being Honest
January 21, 2007
2:47 pm
Avatar
ihaveasecret
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i have a secret --- only a handful of people i know even have a clue about my secret.

i am a pretty together girl on the outside, in public. i'm dependable, responsible, and fairly on top of things. i'm the person most people rely on, because i'll drop anything for nearly anymore.

i think i've caused myself a great deal of stress though. i'm terribly depressed and not eating. i don't know what i want to do with my life and every time i go to talk to anyone about me, they turn it into me helping them. i just need someone to listen to me.

i fear i'm codependent because i worry about everyone else so much, and i get my value through helping them. i just want to have some sort of normalcy again. i had it once, for awhile, and then everything fell apart. the fiance left with no notice to work out of town when i'd finally broke away from the terribleness. i thought i was ready to deal with things on my own, i wasn't though and i fell into a deep depression. i haven't ever really been back to the "ok" me since, though i've come close --- something always triggers me to "go off the deep end." 🙁

i feel myself falling farther now than i was before. it scares me. i keep giving and giving to everyone else and i'm more concerned about how my sadness is affecting "them" than how it is affecting me.

i just don't know what to do anymore. i miss Z and i wish he could be home, but he can't be. maybe i'm just too lonely for my own good. i don't really know what i'm supposed to put here, but... thanks for reading it.

January 21, 2007
3:04 pm
Avatar
ihaveasecret
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

maybe i should just get everything out in the open ---

i grew up in a family of five. oldest of three siblings. parents fought a lot. dad has issues recognizing/accepting what life was really like back then--he still believes my parents got along. my mom is more apt to accept her role in the turbulence. my dad still makes comments about how the time(s) he hit my mom, she deserved it. when my parents fought, i played the role of protector of my two siblings. parents had a lot of expectations of me and for the most part i achieved them. was abused as a child by a babysitter. hid it from everyonoe for six or seven years, when i realized the guilt was too immense. i protected by siblings from the "monster" too --- i'd sleep in their beds at night when my parents went out, so the monster couldn't harm them. i was bound and determined to keep my siblings away from that harm. i don't remember a night my dad didn't drink. my mom was always sad or extremely angry.

as for my semi-adult life (i say semi because i don't feel like an adult, at all, i feel like i'm missing something) i've had a terrible relationship that lasted nearly three years. he was my first real boyfriend, and i thought i loved him and he loved me. i accepted terrible behavior from him because i thought the good girlfriend doesn't leave and tries to be better. we broke up at one point, after being together for a year and i begged him for six weeks to take me back... to love me, that i needed him. when another guy decided i was worthwhile the xbf came back and said how much he loved me -- i believed it and went back. i stayed and tried to help him get his GED, go to college. i supported him while he didn't want to work --- worked two jobs and went to college full time. i felt crappy about what i was doing, but i also felt like i had value and worth because someone needed me.

i need to be needed.

anyway, i finally left the xbf when i realized i wouldn't want my sister to go through what i was going through. i left him and i never looked back.

now i'm in a better relationship that i am ruinining. 🙁 i don't know how to fix what i'm doing. it's like i want him to hate me, to tell me i'm worthless, and then i'll have something to fix, to try to make better. he works hard to provide me with a house, a car, and food to eat. he's working out of town in order to provide us with a better lifestyle. and here i am, whining about how i miss him and how i feel like he doesn't care because he has friends out there and everyone i know has better things to do than hang out with me.

i'm not even angry with him. i just feel used, by everyone. i feel like i'm good to talk to when someone needs me, but when i need someone everyone runs away. i don't know what's wrong with me.

i have a secret---Z knows it, a counselor knows it, and someone online knows it. everyone else thinks i'm responsible and well kept together. they'd never believe that i have scars 🙁 i just wish i felt like i mattered without destroying myself in the process. i don't know why i feel the need to tell someone this.... thanks for reading this.

January 21, 2007
3:39 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ihaveasecret,

Welcome!

I have done the stop eating thing too.

It could be really fun to start playing and taking care of yourself instead of everyone else.

I am sorry that you feel like your relationships have been so one way.

I am glad that you have shared...keep sharing...and sharing and sharing...that has been my policy since I started coming a couple of months ago...eventually you will find clarity or your situation repeating itself in some strange pattern telling you about your cycles and thoughts on life.

Have you read a bunch of codependency books yet?

I grew up in an abusive home too...you feel like an outsider sometimes...but really there are so many people who have gone through so many things that the split is pretty equal: the unabused and the abused.

People will chime in as you share more, at least that is how it went for me.

You may find that you can be supportive of others too...eventually...but since your main issues is feeling like people aren't responding to supporting you...I'd just keep sharing for now. 🙂

January 21, 2007
4:30 pm
Avatar
Loralei
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ihaveasecret, it's nice to meet you.

Please, feel free to vent, bare your soul, spill your guts, whatever will help you feel better and learn about yourself. Just the act of sharing your thoughts is helpful. I have found that being here has been a real learning experience. Reading about what others have been through, how they deal with it, watching their personal growth, I have gained so much insight into myself.

In regard to your issue of sabatoging your relationship - do you think you feel guilty because your partner is now helping support you? You are so used to being the supporter and now that you are no longer in that role, that it has thrown you for a loop. Your co-dependency is eating you up.

"Co-dependency can be defined as the tendency to put others needs before your own. You accommodate to others to such a degree that you tend to discount or ignore your own feelings, desires and basic needs. Your self-esteem depends largely on how well you please, take care of and/or solve problems for someone else (or many others)." Edmund J. Bourne

If you haven't already, I think it would be a good idea to tell your partner what you are feeling and why. Otherwise, he might think something else is causing your reactions. It would help him if he understood where you were coming from with this.

You said,"i just feel used, by everyone. i feel like i'm good to talk to when someone needs me, but when i need someone everyone runs away." I can really identify with that one! I came across a couple of quotes that I copied from a blog I read and they really hit home with me.

"Don't make someone a priority when they only make you an option."

some friends have the mantra "I will be there for you as long as it works for me."

January 21, 2007
5:09 pm
Avatar
thewall
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ihaveasecret,

Thanks for your honesty. You have the gift of being insightful. This will get you far.

I think we all are in very similar struggles here. I'm still trying to figure myself out but one book that has been extremely helpful in my journey is a book called

"THE DISEASE TO PLEASE" .

keep writing, keep looking deep into yourself, and keep journaling here.

thewall

January 21, 2007
5:46 pm
Avatar
gracenotes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

secret,

Welcome! I have grown so much here since July by posting, posting, posting, sharing, and working on codependency issues.

From what you have written, you seem so much like my close female who I have been having being around since I have gotten more into my own recovery. Why? Because of her need to drop everything for everyone else, and to put family members, no matter how awful they act, above her much healthier friends who really do care about her. I have just reached a point where I so limit this decade plus friendship contact because she cannot really be present for me. She always seems to be in this drama of trying to fix someone else.

In all the years I have known her, she has been so full of good ideas, hopes, plans, and dreams, whether it is about a career or about enjoying life, but she has rarely, if ever followed through on these wonderful plans. She jokes about not having a life, but she doesn't have a life because she is either dropping everything to care for grandkid (while mom and dad go out to play), worrying about finances (while her adult son lives there mostly rent free), physically hurting herself moving stuff around and caring for her home (because her son won't help her with chores around the house).

I,m just saying, if you are full of dreams and hopes for the future, don't let this happen to you. This disease to please can be deadly to the spirit. This is my friend nearing retirement age and her talk is full of things she hasn't done. She admits to being a doormat, but doesn't step forth to change anything, except not talk to me much anymore because I am outgrowing this codepdency, stuff that I have owned but is no longer a part of me. I am in a midlife reinvention of sorts.

It seems like such a waste to live life for others in this way. There It doesn't lead to respect. No one respects a doormat. I am sorry but that is true, I do care about my friend, but I cannot stand what she is doing to herself.

There are ways to live life, own one's own self, be caring and loving towards others in a healthy way. That has to be a better way. Posting on this site has been one way that I am getting there.

January 21, 2007
5:50 pm
Avatar
gracenotes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sorry for the typos. Getting better, but not quite there.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
50
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110905
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38534
Posts: 714189
Newest Members:
sendlv, ViolentFighterBrownCaveman, kbrfDazy, traceyob69, JohnMeave, EthanDiord
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer