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New here.. and stuck...
September 22, 2009
9:28 am
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learningeveryday
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Hi everyone... I am new to this board and was hoping i could post my problems here. I've been stuck for a long time in my relationship and my emotions have suffered greatly.

My husband and i have been together 3 years everything moved quickly and we have a son together who is 1 year.

We have had a lot of problems and keep coming back together but the problem now is that even though i'm trying to find love and respect for him i can't.. And i truly WANT to find it even through the pain and resentment i have but it's so hard to love him. Am i fighting a losing battle? Can i really find love for him by just going through the motions and thinking positive? it's so fleeting when i do feel love or positive, it only lasts a moment but the pain and resentment seems there all the time no matter how hard i try and push it away and love him..

I made a list of the problems, can you read them and tell me if there is any hope? has anyone else here truly WANTED to love and make something work but just couldn't? or felt the same way i do and was able to get past the pain and resentment and end up having a good relationship by haning in there? i'm so desperate to know.

He doesn’t understand what I mean by some of the things I say.. he interprets them wrong and then assumes things, then when I try and explain further in detail what I actually meant, he has already assumed something else and doesn’t give me the benefit of the doubt to even believe that it is anything other than what he assumed and THEN resents me for his assumptions…. Example: I asked him one night what it is about me that he loves? He immediately got defensive and said “I’m not going to do this tonight” we aren’t going to have this conversation tonight and storms out of the room, I follow him and ask him what the heck he is doing, he says that he KNOWS the only reason I’m asking is because I want to “prove” that our relationship is bad.. He assumed that I asked the question in an effort to have “the talk” with him about the condition of our relationship and NOT because I just wanted to know. The more I tried to explain to him the more angry and distant he got, we dropped the conversation and I ended up in tears with no comfort because my husband wouldn’t tell me what it is about me that he loved. Even to this day “months later” he believes I only wanted to manipulate the conversation into something about “how bad” our relationship is and not just because I wanted to know and doesn’t even give me the benefit of the doubt to believe anything else…. So frustrating…

He isn’t fun loving in some of the ways I expect..
Kid around with me
Grab me and kiss me or hug me or pick me up and twirl me around
Think of ideas for us to have fun together
no spontaneity

Passive aggressiveness
He agrees to a decision we both make and later when we are arguing I find out he didn’t really want that decision we supposedly made together, states that he only made it to make me happy and then holds it against me because he regrets the decision.

We both seem to have a lot of built up resentment and pain that is easy to access and comes frequently no matter how much I push it away and try and think positive, it keeps coming back even when we are getting along. I force myself to think positively, just looking into his eyes I have to force the resentment and pain I have accumulated deep down inside because I’m scared he’ll see it when I look at him and I want us to only see love and get along. I try and find the positives and think positive and see the ways in which he DOES love me sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t but at the end of the day the pain and resentment always shows up again and again and again.. I feel like I’ll always carry it with me and I don’t know how to let it go, I also feel like he has it when I look into his eyes I see it, or at least I think I do.. And I think that he feels the same…

September 22, 2009
9:48 am
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darkeyes
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welcome learningeveryday.. understand where your coming from.. you admit you dont love or respect him, so why try to keep this marriage going??. did you not get to know him and how he feels about life, and you before you married?. is it your feeling, after awhile married becomes mundane, and you realize is this all there is....im also hanging in there over 25 yrs later..

September 22, 2009
10:01 am
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learningeveryday
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Hi darkeyes,

Thank you for your response.... I did not get to know him first, we jumped really hard, really fast and things just went from there.

I try to keep the marriage going because when i try and leave the first few days away is torture, i miss him dearly, i feel like a zombie, like my life has no meaning or purpose, i feel like all my hopes are gone and i believe this results from actually loving him and wanting to believe that we CAN have a good relationship and that i DO love him because i'm feel this way when we are not together. Is it just sadness of being alone? or do i truly love him and want him? Being with him is so hard to deal with but being alone is harder.

September 22, 2009
10:05 am
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fantas
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Welcome to the site. I understand what you mean about resentment of a partner. Over time, it becomes very difficult to even appreciate anything they do. I can't speak to your relationship, but in my case almost all of my resentments were grounded in my fear of intimacy. On the surface, it looked like I was working towards the betterment of my relationship but underneath, I was sabotaging myself with my thoughts. I looked for reasons to confirm my fears and excuses for not wanting to receive the love given me.

Seems to me like you guys are unable to communicate using each other's "love language". Based on what you say, I think your husband feels attacked, unappreciated, judged, criticized and is in defence mode. In the same way you feel misunderstood I think he maybe feeling the same way. The fact that he agreed to something even though he didn't want to do it suggests that he is trying to appease you and not rock the boat. He doesn't want to upset you or get in trouble with you.

I think there is a lot of hope for you guys. Have you tried couple's therapy? I feel your relationship needs a hero. Someone needs to step up and truly call a truce. Since you are the one here, maybe you can be the hero. If you want this situation to turn around, you should look at what you are doing for him instead of what he is not doing for you. I do not mean doing things so he can behave better, but doing them because you want your family to be whole. If you want to be playful, let him know that or just be playful with him. There has to be a reason why your husband refused to participate in the conversation you started.

Is it possible his observation was right? Do you tend to turn these conversations to critiques? Obviously, he too has ownership in this relationship but you can't control him. All you can do is look at your contribution to the present mood of your relationship and try to do better. I feel that your husband feels he can't do anything right in your eyes. I could be wrong

Please keep posting, writing, and reading. Others will offer you their thoughts on this I'm sure.

September 22, 2009
10:21 am
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Anam Cara
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Hi learningeveryday -- being alone is hard for some people - I for one am such.

I spent 15 years dancing to the tune of a woman that I eventually found out (after 5 years divorce)
that she had never really loved me. What I took for love was what came through my rose tinted glasses - yes I made up some of the love that she never had for me.

After she left for another life I sank into a black hole and remained there for some years. This site helped me come through a dark tunnel.
So as the old saying goes " you either grasp the nettle or stay stinging for ever".

I do not want to give you the opinion that leaving your man is easy - far from it; and of course you have the child to consider - I had no dependants at the time.

The women here will give you lots to think about and you can pop into our Coffeehouse to chat we would love to see you there when you feel like it.

I am sure you will come to a decision soon and that when you do it will be set in stone.

September 22, 2009
10:28 am
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learningeveryday
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Thank you for your response fantas..

You definitely know what is going on with my husbands thoughts, he has mentioned the things that you did like he feels unappreciated and feels that he can't do anything right.. I wish i could open my eyes to see what he feels and why he feels that way, i don't see it thru his eyes i see it thru mine and I'm very distracted at my own feelings and why i feel frustrated and unloved and resentful, i only see what i feel he is doing to me to cause me to be upset.

How did you figure out that you resented your husband for your fear of intimacy? I have a lot of insecurity problems because of being betrayed in the past, i don't know how that ties into it but i know it is very powerful, gut wrenching feeling for me and when something happens like "his phone rings and he doesn't answer it, he is a few minutes late, he does things out of character for him.. I get that feeling and it spirals out of control and i don't know how to make it better..

Can my insecurity have something to do with my resentment for him? comparable to your fear of intimacy causing problems for you? If so, how do i recognize it for what it is? and how do i fix it?

September 22, 2009
4:14 pm
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fantas
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I think you shouldn't expect to be able to read his mind but you can try to hear and believe what he is saying to you. If he says he feels belittled, the think about how that could be instead of trying to further explain your actions and hoping he will understand your logic. Try it for a week and see what happens. Ask him what would make
him feel you appreciate what he does.

Until he feels safe with you he wont respond to any positive criticism you may offer him. I figured out that I resented myself and projected it to others. I didn't think I was loving so I observed all the behavior in my partners that confirmed that. This wasn't until I ended up with an abuser who treated me on the outside the way I felt about myself on the inside. I had to take a long hard look at myself and why I attracted negative personalities into my life.It doesn't sound like your husband is mean or abusive to you.

Is it possible that you feel unhappy within yourself and are blaming your husband for it. As long as he is there to blame, you do not have to address whatever hurts and pains you have within you? No matter how hard he may try, you will find something that will confirm what you believe. Like I suggested, consider going to therapy.

If you heal yourself and still have no love for him, then you should let him know so he can move on and find someone who can actually love him just like he is. You too deserve to be with the right person for you. It wouldn't be fair to him or you to continue the relationship unless you are willing to open up with your love. As AC shared, it's very painful to love someone who doesn't love you.

Why did you rush into the marriage?

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