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new here and need some BF advice
July 8, 2007
11:42 pm
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ale
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September 24, 2010
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I just need to tell it all. I had been going out with my HS sweetheart for 5yrs. hoping to marry him, waiting. the last two years of our relationship I cheated on him with random army guys, nothing special, guys I would meet on training and forget about once I came home.
About a year ago I made a bad mistake, I started going out with this guy from work, my bf never found out about the others but this one was hard to hide. We started having problems, of course, and out of fear of him losing me to the other guy, he proposed. After about 5.5 years he finally asked me to marry him only for me to find out i was preagnant from the other guy. I didn't know what to do, I was ashamed, scared and mad. What was i going to tell my mom(she a church lady), what would people say, and how was I supposed to tell my now fiancee.
The other guy said he would take care of me, that we could run away and nobody would have to know. He said he loved me and to marry him. But I didn't, insted I had an abortion. The other guy was very mad at me, so we stopped talkin, which was hard because we worked together.
I was getting so affraid of marriage and started dating the guy from work again. He said I didn't have to get married and that I did not love my BF. he forgave me for the abortion he made me feel better. So i broke up with my BF and stayed with the guy from work.
we were fine but in my mind I knew he was not the kind of guy I wanted to marry. He does not exactly have a career and he's tatoos and pierceing were an issue for my mom. compared to my BF who has a bachelor degree and working on his masters, thin and smart, polite and no tatoos.
I got preagnant again and the guy from work said we would be fine that I should keep it and that we would get married, he gave a ring, got a better paying job, and wanted to move to a diff. state. I said yes but my mind kept bothering me, so without him knowing, I had another abortion and made him believe it was a miscarriage. After that he still wanted to marry me but I really did not.
I found out that my ex-BF had broke up with his GF and started talking to him, he said he would take me back. so I left the guy from work and went back with my BF, we have been going out for like three months and we are okay, but two days ago I talked to the other guy and sleep with him.
I don't know what I'm doing, I don't undestand myself and I don't want to hurt them again. I need help to figure out my heart and my head. I don't know how to tell if I love any of them and who to marry. Please help me.

July 9, 2007
9:06 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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ale,

you really must help yourself by stopping this merry go round.

I do understand it...I bounced from ex to ex and back again a few times myself.

But it's no fun.

The grass is NOT greener on the other side and while you seem to understand this, it doesn't stop you from hopping the fence.

I think you need to break it off with BOTH of them. And go it alone.

Get counseling...to figure out why you keep doing this to yourself and to them.

Neither of them can be too incredibly healthy either, if they are putting up with this. They should have been long gone by now...so they will allow you to keep playing with their heart as long as you keep playing.

But if you truly know in your heart that neither is the guy for you, at least right now...then walk away from both...start clean...don't meet any new guys for a while and get into therapy.

I think bringing a baby into the world under these circumstances wouldn't have been a wise choice...so I won't knock your abortion choices. BUT, in the future, I would sincerely urge you to consider birth control As well as keeping in mind that if you keep aborting babies, a time may come that you WANT a baby and can't because of the past abortions and possible damage it could do to your body.

If you don't feel like you love them, you probably don't. so, if you are questioning it, chances are, you don't. You may WANT to love them, but it just isn't happening.

Don't marry either...get support and counseling.

July 9, 2007
9:17 am
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taj64
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September 30, 2010
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Use birth control. It will stop you from having abortions and having to decide which guy. Also love yourself first. Plan a baby when you are ready. Being careless this way, is self destructive. Have control over you own life. In life, people get hurt, sometimes we end up hurting a person too, but staying with them to please them or out of guilt is not doing good for you or the guy, not in the long run. Wait until you get yourself together, which will happen, when you turn all the focus on you and learn to love yourself and be happy with yourself, then you will be ready for the one guy that is good for you. One that you won't have to settle for because you "have to" because you are pregnant or not in good situation. Be independent, it is powerful feeling. Happiness does come from within, not relying on someone else to do it for you. You don't respect or love yourself, that is why you are sleeping around so that you have someone there because you are scared to be alone. It is understandable but desperate now. Be emotionally sound with yourself, find out about you at this time. Get busy with other things in life beside a guy. Guys are not the only thing in life.

July 9, 2007
10:00 am
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Lisa Ann
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September 24, 2010
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Ale,

I couldn't have said it better than risingfromtheashes did. I would highly recommend getting out of a relationship period. I have had an affair before, with someone I worked with, and it destroyed my marriage. It was the dumbest thing I have ever done. I was not happy in my marriage, so I looked elsewhere and found someone who made me feel good about myself - for a while, and then tried to control me and everything I did. It was not good. So, I lost my marriage and the respect of a lot of people. I don't believe it is possible to be in a healthy relationship when you start out the relationship based on lies. I just don't think the trust is ever there. I know for me it never was. If he can do that with me, who is to say he won't do it TO me?

I agree with the counseling and just focus on what issues you need to address internally. There is some confusion about what you want and need from a man. Figure out what that is, and the only way to do that is to take time to yourself and find out who you truly are. Once you better yourself, you will find the happiness that you think you have had with these men.

Good luck and stay away from men for a while :o)

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