Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
New here and feeling lost...
February 26, 2007
8:46 pm
Avatar
mimi24
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sorry about the long post, but I need to drain this crap that has been floating around in my head recently...

It was suggested to me by someone that I am what you call "co-dependent". I've looked up the definition on line and I am not sure that it pertains to me. Whatever the word, I know I do have problems with maintaining a healthy, normal relationship with anyone I'm romantically involved with. For some reason, I can never just BE. There's always something wrong or something going on... I'm feeling so lost... I know things are off balance but I... well, here's some background.

My past relationship was with my first love. We were together for 3.5 years (on and off). A couple years in, he became Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. I never could tell when he would turn into this verbaly abusive monster. He never pysically hurt me, but boy did he do some mental damage. I know that this was a direct result of his horribly messed up childhood.
It took me two years before I could finally start a relationship properly. But this new guy now also has issues, which I'm sure is due to his upbringing.

Def of issues: my last boyfriend has a mother who has major OCD. The house he grew up in had trash piles up to the ceiling ( at one point, he was curious what was under one of those piles and found a recliner... a damn chair!). His mother verbaly abbused him and always told him that he was a mistake. He got taken away by child services when he was 2 or 3, lived with a very nice foster family for about 4 or 5 years, and then as a result of damn custody laws, his mom won him back. everything was fine for about a year, and then everything went back to the way it was before.
At that point, he was old enough to take car of himself (so he said) and he always reguarded his friend's parents almost as his own. This.... then within the last year of our relationship, he found photographic evidence that his grandfather had possibly molested young boys ( a photograph of a naked boy in the basement which had a very creepy air to it). This was a man that he felt was the only one that he could trust and that was the only one who loved him growing up. He then got a flash back of his grandfather showing him male porn and a dildo... needless to say, he went off the deep end. He refused to get help or do anything about it, so our relationship exploded.
This new guy now casually mentioned to me that his mother is clinically insain and put him in a sort of boarding school/mental institution for biking on wet leaves.... I know there is more to the story but he refuses to talk about it. He has this random fasinaiton with sex and he likes to go to porn conventions and the like. However, he is really upfront about it, and even almost boastfull really, and therefore it did/does on creep me out or anything like that. It's very hard to explain..

So there we go.

It seems like anyone that has had a horrible childhood is attracted to me. Do they think I can fix them? Do I think I can fix them? I seriously had NO idea these guys had issues until after I got involved with them, and by then, I am/was attached. This has now happened 3 or 4 times in a row (though my 3.5 year relationship is what really threw me).
So I guess my question would be: how do I break this cycle? I've never met a 'normal' guy whom I was interested in.

I have enough problems of my own - I'm on depression medication for moderate depression and functioning normaly is hard enough for me; I cannot care for another person. I've tried just cutting myself off from romantic relationships period, but it's just so lonely and I didn't improve anyway (after two years!)

It has been two years since my last relationship, so I know that I CAN function without being in one. I thought I was ok. I was ready to start dating. I am now, but it just seems like I'm just digging the same hole with this new guy but I don't want to break up.

I would love to talk to someone that can relate in a way or something of the sort. I'm so so lost and I can't afford therapy.

February 27, 2007
12:27 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

If there is a library near you, it might help you to get ahold of some books on codependency, especially Melody Beatty's CODEPENDENT NO MORE. That would be a good starting point.

When we attract the same, damaged sort of man, over and over, we are subconsciously setting ourselves up for these guys. They may be putting you thru hell, but there is something about them that feels FAMILIAR (i.e., comfortable). So, you stay in the relationship, long after the first "red flags" that there is trouble coming begin to wave at you.

Pull up some of the old threads on this website about "Red Flags." That would help, also.

It might help you to just stop dating for awhile. I am assuming by "dating" that you are sexually intimate with this man? When we are sexually intimate with someone, we are emotionally connected to them. So, it might help you to step back and remain alone for a season of self-discovery and recovery from this unhealthy pattern of bad relationships.

- Ma Strong

February 27, 2007
2:33 pm
Avatar
revelation
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi there!

Ha, your ex-bf sounds just like my ex.

I remember coming on here too and writing a big long thread all about him with very little about me in it...did you notice that you did that? Wrote almost all of your thread about him and his childhood and nothing about you?

May I ask though...you have explained about your current BF's past and then said that he's into porn but your ok with it...so can I ask..are you happy with this guy? And if you are...why are you asking why damaged people are attracted to you? What is it about your current BF that you are not happy with? Sorry for asking, but its just you haven't mentioned why....

Thanks,
Rev.

February 27, 2007
6:30 pm
Avatar
D27
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mimi24
You came to a wonderful place for support and advice."how do I break this cycle? I've never met a 'normal' guy whom I was interested in" You know I have been asking myself that same question. My mom was in a lot of physically abusive relationships when I was younger and even still today. Even though I have managed to escape the physical(sort of) I cant shake the mentally abusive ones. I read in a book called "you are what you think" that we tend to attract people that we are trying to get away from. Im still currently living with a very abusive man(mentally)he'd have me to believe that Im a no good, gold digging woman on welfare that doesnt want anything in life, even though when he met me I was taking care of my kids in my own apartment and going to school. Long story short I moved in with him, dropped out of school, and now im leaving him and have to start over again. You know the funny thing is is that I keep telling my kids there are bad people in the world, but it still hurts so bad when I run into yet another one. StronginHim77 I think your right, maybe I should do the same.

February 28, 2007
11:01 pm
Avatar
mimi24
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks so much for your responses...

Rev-
It's funny. I did not realize that I wrote almost nothing about myself except for the fact that I'm lost, but I wrote so much about my ex. Where was I in that relationship?

I'm not happy with the knowledge of his past. I just feel like it's gonna spring up and bite me on the ass. Also, he's closed off about personal things. He avoids those kinds of subject, and then changes the subject when I bring up issues I might be having/had. I know that that's a HUGE red flag. I mean, whats the point of being in a relationship if the person you're with isn't willing to talk about emotional subjects? But recently we visited his home town where he had a past. It got him down, and he opened up to me. He kinda just let it all go (well, not ALL but atleast he talked about that part of his life). The trip was great after that... we were so close. Now that we're back home though, he's shut off again. It happened within a day of being back. What the hell happened? He also has trouble looking at me in the eye...

MA Strong - I do agree with the whole familiar/safe thing. But if I'm aware of it, then why do I keep doing it? During my last relationship, I wasn't aware at all. It was a huge step for me to actually come to grips with my pattern, and afterwards I thought that that would solve it. I wish that could have been true.

As far as the book you recomended: My mother is the self-help guru. She has so many self-help books I can't even keep track of them all... how to deal with being a compulsive over-eater, how to get rid of negativity, how to get most out of your relationships... I don't know if it's jaded me or what but I just can't help but feel that it's not going to do anything for me (no offense). With all the mountains of books she's read she still hasn't been able to put a dent in any of her issues.

and, yes, I have been sexually intimate with him. (Your right, that doesn't help) Which brings up his inhibility to stay up (bout half the time)... I know it's not me, it's him, but it doesn't help with the self-esteem much. He knows it affects me. The last time it happened, he grabbed my face and looked into my eyes and said "your beautiful". I just don't know why it's happening. That's a whole other issue all together though. Also, I don't think I could take another break from dating. Two years killed me. Being alone is the last thing I can emotionally deal with right now.... What do you think I should do?

D27- I'm SO glad to hear your leaving him. I hope you leave soon. Being in the environment must be so destructive for your self-esteem. It's a great thing for your kids that your leaving as well, which I'm sure your well aware of.
It's interesting. How do we attract the types of people we are trying to shake? Why? What does your book say about that?

I feel that at this place and time it's important to note that my little sister has the same problem as I. She is ONLY 17 and she too is falling into the same pattern. The reason why I bring this up is that she just had her boyfriend turn crazy on her a few days ago. He was very hurtful and said a lot of nasty things when she's only tried to help him and has treated him like gold. I'm so mad. That little F*cker. It's upsetting to have her go throught that especially since we share the same problem. I want to help her. She's still young and she can change this. How do I give advice when I can't even get myself out of the same pattern??? I've got to be a role model for her. I can't do this anymore.

I'm afraid lonliness is one of the main reasons why I'm still in this relationship. It's a bad reason, but I'm going through a lot in my life right now and having someone to be affectionate with helps so much.

March 1, 2007
12:06 pm
Avatar
revelation
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mimi...I have so much to write, but don't have the time right now...I promise you I will try to write to you later on this thread...you are doing well hun...the door is opening!

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
31
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110959
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38560
Posts: 714252
Newest Members:
charli55, SeaG1ant, shawncanwe, lianot, dagaf, duminy
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information