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New Girl, Needs Advice
October 2, 2006
4:44 pm
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Jealously crazy
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This is going to be a long story, I have spoke with friends and family but none of them can be mutual about my situation.

I will start from the beginning. I was married for 10 years to a physically/emotionally/verbaly abusive man. We had 2 boys together and I left him almost 5 years ago. I almost immediately met my current boyfriend whom I have been with for 4 years, he also has one son. He treated me like a princess in the beginning. He treats my boys really good, no different than he treats his own. Helps coach the baseball teams and all. He moved 45 mins south from where he lived to live with me in my hometown (on his own decision) and his son lives with his mother 1 hour north of where we are currently living. My bf is self employed and works in and around the area in which his son lives and goes to school. The problems comes in with the mother to my bf's child, they were never married and broke up immediately after she found out she was pregnant so therefore they have never even lived together.
After I had fallen in love with my bf and moved in with him, I found out that for every Mother's Day he takes her out for breakfast and I asked if I could be invited and he told me that I should be with my kids and do something with just them, then I also found out that they occassionally have dinner together when his son has special events going on at school(which I have never been invited to because he said that it would be awkward because it is a private school and this is just information for him & her only about their son) When all of this first started taking place I mentioned to him that I thought that was inappropriate and if they want to take their son out for dinner before his school functions then he needs to invite me. He says when something is going on drive up and meet me there, but after that when There was something going on he would tell me he had this or that going on for his sons school and he would tell me that he would be home late that night. He has also quite telling me he loves me for the past 3 years, he says that he tries to show it in actions. I never notice the actions and he says the action is he comes home everynight. Except when he knows I'm really upset, he tries to be lovey dovey but not in a sincere way. I can tell it is forced.

And more on the exgf, he will do anything in his power to help her out, whenever he can. She asked him to help her move and he did, he shows up to pick up his son and she never has anything ready, such as clothes or school items and he has to get them ready. And he almost never answers his cell when I call him when he's at her house and tries telling me he left it in his truck. He never takes that thing off his hip except when he goes to bed and then it is right beside him. there are so many more instances, too many to mention. I am getting to the point that I am losing feelings for him and I am resenting his sin. I cringe at the thought of his son coming over and it stresses me out. I used to not feel like that about his son, I used to be very close but I feel like the drama has sent a wedge in my heart for this child and I don't feel like I will ever get those feelings back.
I hate feeling this way, I feel like a crazy, jealous freak. He makes me sound like I'm making this stuff up in my head and turning everything around to make him look bad. He says he only tries to do the right thing for everyone and always gets in trouble by me. Well that just goes to tell you that his exgf is never upset with him so were do you think his heart truely is? Am I crazy for trying to make him see everything from my shoes? I used to discuss it and try to explain to him that it made me uncomfortable and he acted like I was crazy and blew me off, now I can't even talk to him about it, everytime anything about her comes up I immediately freak out and go off on him. I hate myself for feeling this way and some part of me hates him for making me feel this way. I feel like I'm losing my mind. He has stopped going out to eat with her and doesn't do much with her at all anymore but he didn't completely quit either. But I feel like my herat has been damaged by the pain from the past few years and I don't feel like it is fair that I don't feel for him or his son what I used to and I don't know if I can get those feelings back now. I am really scared and I don't want to hurt him but I just don't know if I'm happy anymore. I feel happy when he's home with me and his son isn't there but I feel differnt when we aren't together. I just need some advice on what someone else would think about this. Sorry it is so long.

October 2, 2006
5:31 pm
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CAMER
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so have you met the bf's mom yet?? 4 years is a long time, and by now i think you both should have met eachother (you and his ex)....and there is nothing wrong, in my opionion of you wanting to go to dinner with them both, why not, if he isn't hiding anything, then who cares if you were there. Don't let him make excuses and make it seem like you are the crazy one, cuz you are not. I think he should be more forward and have you meet the mom and come to an understanding, who knows you could be friends....I met
my bf's mom of his kids within the 1st few months of dating, and now we can talk to eachother etc and are "friends" in a way. But the road was hard, cuz his ex always wanted him back, or so it seemed.

Speak your mind and don't settle for less, let him know what you want and not let the "ex" get in the way of anything.

good luck.

October 2, 2006
5:32 pm
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CAMER
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i meant to say in the first statement...have you met the bf's mom ...of his child.

October 2, 2006
5:52 pm
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sillyhick
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New Girl, No one can tell you what to do...but trust me. This is not your fault...I have been doing alot of soul searching...i used to thank everything was my fault..But first of all. This man should have never put you in this situation. He should not disclude you.. He does'nt mind you being around his son when the ex is not there. So what is the big secret when she is around...from my experiences..this relationship is one sided...you are completely normal to feel insecure...he put you the position to feel that way...you need someone who is not afraid to show there love to you...even if it was to take you to dinner with the ex....apparently she knows something you don't no...or she would be with him. If you get to a book store or to the library there is a great book. If you can get it. It is called co-dependent no more, believe me this book will make a big change in your life...Take it from someone who is recovering from co-dependency....Good Luck...

October 2, 2006
6:24 pm
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Jealously crazy
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I did meet the mom after the first few dates and she's friendly to me, but she nevers offers conversation. I speak to her and she will answer but never she will never start the conversation. I have been around, like his soccor games when she was there but when there is a school meeting or an open house I feel like he doesn't want me around and he never invites me.

Thank you for understanding, i'm glad I'm not just paranoid.

October 2, 2006
6:38 pm
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doubleloss
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J.C. you've met the woman, it doesn't mean you have to be friends. They have a child together, it doesn't mean you have to be included in their breakfast, as an occasional thing.

I would be worried if he has hiding things from you, but from what you write the guy is being honest. Now, of course we don't have all the full story, are there other things that must be looked at.

He is with you, treats your kids well. This boy is HER kid, not yours but the little boy deserves to be loved by all, don't withdraw your love for other reasons, he has nothing to do with that.

Now, i hope you are able to pinpoint whether you are being jealous/paranoid OR if there are all these alarm bells going on in you head. I really hope you are being jealous/paranoid because that is something you would be able to deal with and change it if you chose it; but if it's alarm bells, then the picture is not going to be good.
I hope all works out. Keep posting.

October 2, 2006
6:52 pm
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Jealously crazy
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I have tried to tell myself that I am being totally stupid for the way i feel and tried to look at it differently but the uncomfortable feeling won't leave me. And I could probably deal with it a little differently if he could see things both ways, he would not like it at all if I went out to eat with my ex husband or if I didn't invite him to my boys functions, so he thinks the road goes only one way and it shouldn't be that way.
It isn't fair with the way he thinks.

October 2, 2006
7:28 pm
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Optionae
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Hello! J.C.
It is a blessing.
I had a serious problem, yesterday.
I wrote for advice, awakened this morning turned on the T.V. and what I prayed for was answered on the Christian network channel. Today is a good day, and Christ is good all of the time if we listen.

5-years ago I had a situation liken to yours but I realized that love, real love does not involve jealousy.
When satan knows how you feel about someone, and you doubt those feelings openly. He uses your own thoughts to trapp you into messing up what may turn out to be a beautiful situation. In a relationship where it is open to sin, and for sin = not married. One must pray for the bad as well as pray for the good. We as females can cause headache by what comes out of our mouths, and what we see to our visions to be real. You must strive to live by faith, and faith is what?
To love a man, you or I must first love and trust ourself. Once that trust is established than nothing no matter what can curb it any other way.
You must also learn that you never ever put all of your trust into any man. Not even the one you love. That kind of trust only belongs to the Father above to help you go through your good, and bad.
For as the son, you must love. Children aren't the faults of adults.
Children are a blessing reguardless of the situation. Pray about it and let the Father above awaken your inner you because something inside of you is not right. Sorry but it is true. You are not doubting the situation, you are doubting yourself. Your real emotions, deep thought feelings about love.My prayers are with you, and ask, seek, and knock the answer is inside of you about your situation. Take care sister!

October 2, 2006
7:46 pm
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Jealously crazy
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Thank You Optionae! I was raised to pray and the older I have got the less I have depended on the Lord for help. I have seriously been thinking of Him the past couple of years and maybe it is time I turned to Him to help me learn to love and trust myself. When I look at my future with my bf I sometimes see us living old and happy together and other days I can't see us at all. Sometimes I feel like there is something really wrong with me (mentally) and I don't know how to fix it. but then again I'm afraid that if I get alright with the situation that i'm going to get hurt, so I tell myself to hold back on my feelings then that way it won't hurt so bad if my bf would leave and I would never see him or his son again.

October 2, 2006
7:55 pm
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Jealously crazy
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Question for Optinae, are you stillwith the person you have jealousy over?

October 2, 2006
8:01 pm
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doubleloss
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JC. have you considered going to couples counselling? personal counselling? that might help you clarify your thoughts. I believe that it's important to hear those little voices in our heads, sometimes they know things that we don't. or that we refuse to see.

October 2, 2006
8:23 pm
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Jealously crazy
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I have thought about counseling, my bf thinks that counselors are unneccessary and that they are only there to take your money. i haven't asked him personally to go, but when i brought up counseling in a conversation (due to having to take my son to one before I met him) he said that it is a waste of money. I am reaching out for anything right now before I take any drastic steps and possibly messing up something good.

October 2, 2006
8:24 pm
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shyshy
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It may be totaly innocent with his ex and him but I think that if he truly loves you his primary focus should be on you and his son. It should have nothing to do with the ex.

I can understand him thinking you don't need to go to the parent teacher conferences, but I don't see a need for them to be going out to eat together. They are not together and if anything that may confuse his son, depending on how young he is.

I just broke up with my bf because he let his ex-wife move in for a time because her bf had kicked her out and she supposedly had nowhere to go. A bit more extreme than your situation but I can see how what you are going through would upset you.

For me it's not so much what he's doing, but the fact that he is not respecting your feelings and just blowing you off.

In my case, like I said, it's a little bit more extreme because the ex actually moved in with him, and this is the second time!!! I know there is nothing going on between the both of them, mainly because she's not interested but, the fact of the matter is that he didn't care about my feelings enough to tell her she couldn't stay with him, especially after all the problems we have had!!

If he doesn't respect my feelings then there is no point in me being with him. That's something you need to look at. And sorry, but just simply coming home at night is not love!!

October 2, 2006
8:37 pm
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Jealously crazy
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shyshy

i told him that, and it's not only the conferences that he I'm not invited to, it is the open houses and the end of the school fairs, the fun things he does at school. And their relationship is confusing his son, everytime him & his mom has something planned he asks if his dad is going to go with them. And he tells me had has to tell his son no because I will get mad, I told him that if he wants to spend that much time with them toegther as a family then he needs to be with them, but his ex don't want him, she has the freedom to go where she wants when she wants and has her sons dad right there everytime she needs a babysitter. She has a different boyfriend all of the time and she is always going away somewhere and when they aren't around and her car breaks down or she needs money to go out she calls my bf and he gives her money and fixes her car or what ever else she asks for. He says he does it for his son and doesn't see that he is doing it for her but I can't see it that way all of the time. Yes she needs a car to get his son back and forth to school but does his son need money for his mom to go out partying?

I can't say he is not good to me but he is trying to please two women at once and I don't like to share my man with another woman. Call me stingy but I can't help it.

October 2, 2006
8:57 pm
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lovetocrochet
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Only thing I can offer is my own experiences. I started including my husband on events surrounding my daughter after we'd been together for a number of months and it was starting to get serious with us. I think if we'd been casually dating it would have been one thing. But I knew, and he knew, that we wanted to be a part of each other's lives.

Plus his coming to certain events let me know how committed he was to me and my daughter as a package deal. It meant a lot to me when he came to my daughter's First Communion. I could tell my ex and his family were beyond unthrilled about it, but in a way I had to make it clear hey, this man is special to me, he's becoming special to my daughter, and he's a good role model for her as well.

We've now been married five years... and my daughter lives with her Dad now too (long story). But my ex brings her out where we live to visit in the summer, and we've gotten to the point where we treat my ex, his Mom and his sister to something nice as a thank you for driving all the way out so my daughter can see us. We've also ended up attending Mass together the last couple years and they attended my son's baptism last year.

If you'd asked me at the time I got married if it could ever have been that cordial I would have told you that you were nuts. We had such a hard time getting along at all, we had such a rotten marriage and the divorce was hell, and my ex fought my petition to the Church to annul our union. But somehow now it's working okay.

I still have trust issues with him and sometimes I pick up resentments from his Mom and sister. But the latter really isn't my problem.

Also he's fulfilled the one thing I told him I wanted, and that's just to be a good Dad. He's held to that promise at least, and somewhere in there he told me he realized that had to include not treating me like crap anymore, because anything he did to hurt me hurt our child. Don't ask me how he came to that, but he did. He's also a lot nicer to my husband and has even helped us work through my daughter accusing DH of "stealing" me away from my ex.

So that's where I come from in this area. Take or leave whatever you like.

I do think maybe your boyfriend means no harm in what he's done and he's just honoring the mother of his child to each the child to honor Mom and Dad in the way he knows best. On the other hand after this long he should start including you on some things in his child's life.

Also just curious do you invite him to events for your kids, and has he met your ex?

October 2, 2006
8:59 pm
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lovetocrochet
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Last paragraph, should read *teach* the child, not each. D'oh!

October 2, 2006
9:30 pm
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doubleloss
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JC. have you considered going to couples counselling? personal counselling? that might help you clarify your thoughts. I believe that it's important to hear those little voices in our heads, sometimes they know things that we don't. or that we refuse to see.

October 2, 2006
9:38 pm
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Jealously crazy
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lovetocrochet

He is invited an does attend almost everything of my childrens and has for three years now, he has also met my ex and they get along for the most part, they talk when we meet each other for the children's things (sports & school). That's why it is hard not to be a part of his childs life in that way. he says we are a family but I feel like only when he is here at home and not in the city with his son.. And the wierd thing is she doesn't want me up there for certain things but she has asked to come to our house when i give my son and ny bf son's birthday parties (which are given together because they are a couple days apart)

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