Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
New, Depressed, Lonely, Pathetic I know
November 15, 1999
5:04 am
Avatar
Ava
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well as you can tell from the thread name, I'm pretty down. New to this thing so I hope I do this right. I'm 22 and depressed. Long term here. I don't have any friends to hang out with. My boyfriend of three years is my only friend. I am so dependent on him for friendship that I am completely miserable when I'm not with him. I have ditched my hobbies (art, writing, dancing, etc.) because I can't enjoy them knowing that I could be with him. This is just the start. When I am with him... I don't like a lot of things about him. He's distant, emotionally vacant, never serious (everything is a joke to him), wrapped up in himself, and could care less about me as a person. Wondering why he is still my boyfriend? Me too. So now I come to the part where I face up to the fact that we broke up on awful terms tonight. I am not in utter torment because we have tried to sever our ties before, knowing that it is best for both of us. I, however, can't seem to function without him (scary thought hu?). I know that is not normal at all, but can't fix it. "Can't live with him, can't live without him" comes to mind. He is not what I had envisioned as my ideal husband, and I saw this from the start. "Why did I let it go on this long" you wonder? Because the three serious boyfriends I have had in my life have BEEN my life. I have defined myself through them and hated every moment of it. I started this self denying process early though (12 yrs. old) and never even got to figure out who it was that I wanted to be, or who I was at all. So here I am, 22, pathetically alone, asking a bunch of strangers how it is that one moves on when their whole unhappy life is swiped from beneath them? Yes suicide has come to mind... even before this break up. So it's not him really it's the lack of me. I feel empty, alone, bitter, and so sad. If any of you have any idea on how to actually make a friend after having only boyfriends for so long, or how to develop myself let me know. I bet this is the most pathetic cry for help you have heard right?

November 15, 1999
8:37 am
Avatar
everblue
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Ava,

You've come to the perfect place. You are not pathetic. I think if you go to the codependency threads you will find a lot of people in similar situations who can give you some great advice. They are all caring, thoughtful people with experience to back up what they say. Additionally, some are in relationships and some are in situations more like yours. Nobody here will let you feel alone. Please post and don't think about doing anything drastic. Trust me there is so much more happiness for you to find. It may not be easy, but these people will help!

Good luck

-everblue

November 15, 1999
10:37 am
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Ava,

I really sympathize with what you're going through. This sounds pat and cliched, doesn't it? I guess I just know where you're coming from. When the wound is fresh, it hurts so awfully you don't know what to do. There's no respite from that agony, that big, gaping hole you see inside yourself...But as time passes, the wound heals (with the proper attention). It's hard to see that now, but it's the only thing I can tell you. You still have one thing left to you...hope.

November 15, 1999
10:38 am
Avatar
J. C.
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Ava,

It's time to realize that you won't find anything to fill your emptiness on the outside. No person, boyfriend or friend can do this. Only you can fill it. It is your responsibility to find your happiness. All the people here are great at helping find this by sharing their stories and experiences. You will be amazed at how comforting and safe you will feel here. First thing...find your hobbies again. That is the start of finding a part of you that you lost on the way. They may not even be the same hobbies as before...or there could be new ones in addition to some of the old ones that you let go. Keep posting...we will listen. People here won't judge you either...they are far too encouraging.

here's a (((big hug)))

~JC

November 16, 1999
2:55 pm
Avatar
Ava
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks to everyone who replied. I appreciate it. I can really use the ears! I talked to bf last night... he says the reason he is all the things forementioned is because I am meant to him, always angry, and nitpicking him. This is true, but I feel I am these things because of his lack of communication and sensitivity. See the cycle. When we actually talk (like last night) I know he does love me deep down and he says he wouldn't be so afraid to show me if I would treat him with respect. So now I'm confused again. Do I work on controlling my anger, finding hobbies and friends, respecting him, and lightening up on him in order to save this relationship? Or do I just move on? I really can't move on. I want to work this out rather than repeat my same old pattern. But I feel alone when I am doing all of the work. I know I need to but find it hard to give myself a whole overhaul (even though I know I need it). How do I make these changes without falling right back into my old pattern? And if I keep falling into my old pattern does this mean my bf is just not right for me? Oh and how do I post on the co-dep thread (it was suggested to me)? Sorry this stuff probably gets so old to all of you.

November 17, 1999
10:49 am
Avatar
J. C.
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ava, I can really relate to the communication thing. I used to look for anything I could find to mention to him just so we could be talking. He doesn't talk. He shuts down. I have to chase him from room to room to tell him one thing and I don't get a chance to tell him everything I want to say. He's too tired, to busy. When he gets home from work he wants peace and quiet. He wants to relax. He doesn't want to deal with any stress or issues at home. Work was more than enough to wear him out for the day, so if I have a problem...he doesn't want to be bothered with it. It can be so frustrating that by the time I catch up to him to talk to him, I'm angry and bitter from the chase. This turns a simple issue into a fight. It's not fair that he can go about his life without talking and sharing with me. He and I are at a much better level in our relationship. I don't totally lose it with him anymore. I used to get so frustrated that I'd keep us up most of the night screaming and crying, because he just wouldn't listen...he wouldn't face the issues we needed to talk about...he wouldn't help me solve problems...he continued to shut me out and tell me I was crazy. Well, I was getting there. Anyways, just hang in there. To 'move forward' you don't necessarily have to end your relationship with your boyfriend. If there is no abuse, and you don't want to give up, then don't. You can move on with him, but the communication thing does take a lot of work. One thing I noticed, though, is that he doesn't really talk to me unless it is something really important or he is angry and frustrated. I do most of my talking with my friend at work and on here. We have two children together. Mostly, I'll just mention to him some of the things the kids said or did while he was gone, and not much more is said between us. I'm not saying that your feelings aren't important, because they are. Men just have troubles understanding how to handle a womans feelings. They tend to either block it out or tell you how to solve your problem in a very insensitive way. Writing down everything really helps...

~JC

November 17, 1999
11:48 am
Avatar
site coordinator
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ava,

To post to other threads, just click on the thread name on the "thread list page". If you click on the link below these posts here, that says, "VIEW GENERAL THREADS", it'll take you to the page I'm referring to.

There are a couple threads listed with a codependency "theme". Some threads are named with the word Codependency in it, and some talk about codependency, but actually start out a little differently and don't appear to be about it from the Thread Title.

Be adventurous, and while you're on the thread list page, click on VIEW ALL THREADS link.

- SC

November 27, 1999
6:34 pm
Avatar
Ava
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

JC,
Thank you again for responding. I can see what you are saying but I don't want to be w/ a man who can't communicate or doesn't want to. Even if that is the way it's supposed to be. I think if women continue to accept this as normal male behavior it gives them the excuse to continue in their narcissistic behaviors. I am honestly getting sick of him. He wants all of this space and needs time w/ his family, friends, hobbies, work, chores, etc. that I end up being his shadow during session of tv watching or a partner to tag along to Target. Come on. This is not what I want out of a relationship! When I express this to him... he nonchalantly says "well if I'm not right for you then you should leave me." He could care less what happens between us. He's reached the point where if anything is wrong between us it must be my misconception or overreaction. None of it is real to him. I've thought about treating him like he does me to see how he likes it. I know how he is though. He would like it and take the extra time to watch tv or hang w/ friends. Seems like he doesn't really need to be in a relationship right now and I'm the one suffering by trying to make it happen. I am allowing all of this to drive me crazy! Really! It's on my mind constantly and I feel so much hate for him that I don't even know why I feel like I have to stay w/ him... probably because I am "co-dependent" on him!

November 27, 1999
8:22 pm
Avatar
everblue
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Ava,

When he tells you that if he's not what you want you should leave, he is right. You SHOULD leave. I know that it is hard, I've been in your position before and stayed around too long in the wrong relationship. But all guys are NOT like that, and it is not the way it's "supposed" to be. I've been seeing a guy who is super-communicative. He makes time for everyone who is important to him and if he can't, he has a good reason. If anything, he complains that I don't communicate enough. Well, we have our own problems completely unrelated to communication, but I just want to let you know that a good relationship is out there for you to find it. Just think, you might miss out on the right guy because you are too scared to leave the wrong one!

-everblue

November 27, 1999
8:28 pm
Avatar
J. C.
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

HI Ava! Sounds like your ready to break away from this relationship. It's time to learn how to make yourself happy by yourself. Take responsibility for everything you do and have that makes you happy. It's not up to anyone else to make sure you are getting the things you need. It's kind of hard, I know, when you don't really have a lot of friends, but you can do it. You know what you don't want... that's a really good start. You are still so very young and have a lot of options. What is it you like to do? Where would you like to go? Is there anything you would like to learn? Take some line dancing lessons at the school, or start going to a gym and do aerobics or something. It'll make you feel a little better about yourself to get out there and do something. Which comes first...the chicken or the egg? You got to do something before you feel good to make you feel like doing it...make sense? Okay...enough pep talk, eh? Let me know how you're doing.

~JC

November 29, 1999
5:40 pm
Avatar
Ava
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you so much everblue! I've been in this relationship so long and have begun to believe that he is the one that is right and I am wrong for wanting what I do. He always tells me that nobody else is like me and that nobody likes to talk about "deep sh*t" like I do. So I end up feeling like I am the unwanted one who either chooses to change or be alone forever. I have truely come to believe this! That is until I here from people like you that "real men" just might exist out there somewhere. I sometimes feel like I should be a gothic chic or something because they are always deep, meaningful, and intense, and maybe I would find a man like that too. But I can't change myself that drastically! I just need to find a way to interact with people who have brains and look for meaning in this life... I get so tired of watching tv sitcoms w/ him and laughing at jokes that I don't even find funny. I bascially feel dead when with him. Thanks for the hope!

November 29, 1999
5:48 pm
Avatar
Ava
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thank you J.C. You're right. I need to make myself happy. I know this and need to just get out there and do stuff! But I do get very lonely. It's hard to meet people. I live far away from the school I go to and everyone in my program is much older w/ the whole family thing going. So I am ahead for my age and it is really lonely. This is why I hang on to him... because he is one of my very few sources of interaction. Thanks for the pep talks! I know I need to leave him but feel like he is going to just move on and be fine and find a perfect woman who makes him happy and he'll never miss me and that makes me feel so rejected and unloved or that I have no meaning, ya know? How in the world will I ever find that man who reads books for pleasure, who is insightful, has his own little philosophies on life, is artistic or creative, makes music, wants a true intimate romance like I do? Any or some of these seems like an impossibility and I'm afraid that if I leave hime I will just end up w/ a lot of other losers who will be even worse for me than the one I'm with and I will lose him forever. In other words, what if the problem is what I want, and not that he is wrong for me? I don't want to give up what I do have for the unknown, if anything at all. How scarey! Is there any way I can work on moving away from him slowly, making myself happy, and yet not cutting him out all the way, healthily? God, problematic child hu?

November 29, 1999
8:06 pm
Avatar
everblue
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Ava,

It's funny - but the guy you describe as ideal sounds pretty close to most of my good male friends. So I KNOW they are out there. (Too bad I couldn't set you up with some of them!) I wouldn't recommend keeping your current guy on hold though, because that is just the sort of thing that would keep the kind of guy you are looking for away, not to mention that it's just not healthy for you! To meet the kind of people you like, as friends or for potential romance, I would suggest joining some academic organizations at school, going to some meetings... What is your major? Are there any associations for it? You could also look into some community book clubs, political organizations... whatever fits your interests. Take an art or music class... the people who share your interests will be at the places you find those interests. That's how I've made all my intellectual, "deep thought" kind of friends. Good luck! Keep us posted on what you decide to do.

-everblue

November 30, 1999
11:15 pm
Avatar
J. C.
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Ava. I agree with Everblue completely! Don't go out looking for a man who likes the things you do...go out looking for the things you like to do. The people with common interests will be there to find you. You will be just fine. Don't be afraid to try new things, be afraid not to try and miss out on learning new things. You'll be fine. You are already making progress. I sense your excitement. Keep in touch.

~JC

December 1, 1999
5:37 am
Avatar
Ava
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Just want to thank you all again for the support! It will take time I know... and I'm already feeling a little stronger. I'm feeling now that... whether or not I stay with this guy, I need to start enjoying my life. I would be so mad at myself if I got old and didn't keep taking dance classes, and start teaching myself guitar again, and drawing and painting, and writing actual poetry again instead of just sob stories! I also need to get my butt in gear and start working out again. That always makes you feel good. I just wish that guys out there would shape up, get their act together and learn stop being narcisstic. To figure some of these communication, romance, and real passion things out on their own. Well I'll keep my chin up! Thanks for all the support!

December 1, 1999
10:45 pm
Avatar
ClimberJane
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh my goodness! I am crying. You cannot believe how similar our stories are! I carried on my relationship for four years. I cut out my parents, vacations, work and everything, because I couldn't function without him! Even though he could function just fine without me. He was not worth my time then, and I hate myself for being depressed over him now. I don't have any friends, was forced to move home, and work with a bunch of high schoolers. My life is so horrible right now, but I try my hardest to look to the future for inspiration. (I know there is a doctor or a lawyer out there for me somewhere!!! šŸ™‚ I work a lot and rarely go out, because who wants to go out alone? And I definitely don't want to go to a bar alone and have some sleazy guys trying to pick me up!

Well, anyway you asked me about the Prozac. I take 20mg of Prozac once a day. It is a pretty low dose although I am very clinically depressed. I am small in size and my doctors don't want me taking too much. Your doctor will know what is right for you. I do not feel anything but "at ease with life." I have an ulcer and a lot of stress in my life. Prozac keeps me from having panic/anxiety attacks. It keeps me from crying for hours on end even when I want to stop. It allows me to see the "light at the end of the tunnel." A lot of people do have problems with it though. I would recommend starting out on a low dose once or twice a day. If it doesn't help you, you can always increase.

Well, I found you and your story very interesting, and I feel better knowing that there is someone to talk to. However, I would like to find out more about you, i.e. where you live. But you don't have to share that here. If you want to, e-mail me at [email protected]. I usually check it every day and would like to chat with you more there. I think we would make good e-pen-pals and good friends.

Best of luck to you and I hope to hear from you soon!

ClimberJane

December 2, 1999
5:40 pm
Avatar
Ava
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Climber Jane,
I hear you about going out alone! I think that's the main reason I can't get away from him! Because I've pushed the rest of my life aside. It's pretty pathetic that I'd rather stay with a guy that doesn't mentally or emotionally stimulate me than just stay home on the weekends. It's not like we have a blast going out anyway. Half the time his friends are there. so I suppose I should just stay home and let him go. I hate being home though, it's so lonely and boring! well thanks for the prozac info. I'm not sure that I am willing to go on it, although I know once I see the counselor he is going to try to prescribe it to me... since I too am extremely depressed, have the anxiety attacks (though rarely, but when I do have them, they are so extreme that I am honestly scared! But just talking to people on this site has made me feel so much better and hopeful. So I'm hoping that I can work through it with some counseling and time. thank you for replying and I've e-mailed you. Ava

December 17, 1999
8:52 am
Avatar
hazza
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi ther Ava,
Have you read the co-dep threads yet?

I too can relate to what you were saying. I broke up with the last boyfriend i had for the same reasons. I wanted to be with someone who stimulated me. I do not regret this BUT he was a good friend too and i now know looking back that the problem was not him, it was me.

I started a new relationship with someone who was very Deep. In one way he is everything i wanted but there were much bigger problems because of this than i ever could imagine.
Firstly, we are both too intense, if you are a deep person sometimes you need someone who is different to give you perspective. My current partenrs depression is too much to bear at times and he was also very insecure like me and this has made our relationship the typical Abusive one. When you are co-dep it is too easy to end up with someone who will abuse you and keep you down because they are insecure themselves. At least with the people who are "fine by themselves" this doesn't happen so much as they are generally the ones with the healthier approach to relationships. So please beware, you are co-dep and what may seem like the ideal person to you could (not always but could) not be the best person for you in the long term.

As i said with me it was myself who was the problem. I too defined myself through others and it has taken me a long time to start making myself happy and stop trying to rely on those around me to do so.

It is a lot of pressure for anyone to have someones elses happyness depend on them. In the past i have expected that of other people and now i have also seen the other side.

I am a nice person, i am faithful and caring but when you have someone doubting you all time or expecting you to change yourself for them it gets too much for anyone. It is only now that i have been with someone who is insecure that i realise the pressure it creates. I too just block it out now because there is nothing i can do to make this other person happy. It is up to him to make himself happy and then maybe we could enjoy each others company more.
I now realse how hard it must have been for people i was with in the past having seen the other side.

You msut try your hardest to be more independent. You cannot blame all your feelings on this relationship. No ideal person will come along and make it all better.
Whether you stay with this man or find someone new, you have to be the one to make you happy. Any relationship must be the icing on the cake not the whole cake itself. Beleive me i know,

If you do something you enjoy, that should make you happy. At the moment it only makes you happy if you can go and discuss it with your partner. You are defining yourself through him. He make be a devil or he may be a saint, either way, the reason he cant make you happy is because it is beyond him. The nature of co-dep makes us always want more, always look for the negative. We so lose confidence in ourselves we ask those around us to tell us we are doing the right thing.

Having a varied life is the best way to get all the things you want in life. No man or woman can be everything to you.

You need to have people in yourlife that you can share aspects of yourself with.
If i want to discuss the latest play or novel, i have friends who are into that. If i want to be a shallow gossip i have other friends for that.
No one person can be everything you want. You must appreciate perople for who they are and what you like about them.

I promise you that as you start to buil;d up your life and do things for YOU not just for US, you will have more confidence and feel like a person in your own right. You will stop feeling that other people are betraying you because they cannot make you feel whole.
Only you can make you feel whole my friend.

Please take care and let me know what happens.
These are changes you need to make in yourself. Whether you stay with your boyfriend or not is not the issue. These are just external factors.

Peace
Hazza

December 17, 1999
12:19 pm
Avatar
Angelwings
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Dear Ava
I have also "been there" but have made it out. What a horrible life that was. I am still learning and growing but I have left so many self defeating behaviors behind, such as:
Putting all my life into a man. We do this because we have such pain and low self worth that we feel our only chance of happiness is outside of ourselves in a man, lover, partner. Can you imagine if you met a man like this. He latched onto you life velcro and wouldnt let go untill you made him happy. I dont mean to hurt or insult you but you are playing the typical "clinger & distancer" dance. There is no winning unless one of you changes.
Because of childhood abandonment issues and lack of love and support from your family of origin, you never defined yourself truly and have nothing but anger, resentment and pain within you. YOu are scard to be alone. YOu look for and latch onto anyone who can give you "love" this "love" may come in many sick forms including him punching you in the face and then apologising and then you continueing to think this is still love........sick......but it happen s to many codependent women who are in abusive relationships and feel trapped.
No one is trapped. YOu do not have to be a victim and can take full responsibility for your life. YOu have to, it is time to define yourself through hobbies, interests and friends OUTSIDE your boyfriend. You need to fill your life with many balanced activities that reflect back to you who you are. I t will be scary but it is the best self caring thing you can do for yourself and your boyfriend will see the change and either go look for a nother velcro girl ( he needs these type to play out his own family issues ) or he will realise that he needs to change to ( rare, but happens ) and heal along side of you. OUr relationships are our greatest teachers, and you and your boyfriend are BOTH in need of healing and learning to love yourselves.
Blessings

December 31, 1999
4:05 pm
Avatar
Ava
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hazza,
Thanks for your response. I appreciate all you put into it. I haven't read the co-dep threads but am going to right now. I keep getting better and then getting worse. I truly believe what you say but find it almost impossible to find the ambition inside me to do good things for myself. I am at such a low. Here it is New Year's Eve and I feel awful. I don't feel like I will have fun tonight because no matter what we do it will be my guy, his friends, and his great personality making friends all over. I hate to feel shadowed by him. His confidence makes my self esteem plummet. I know that is because I'm looking to him for my life... which is stupid but I don't even know how to go about changing it. I don't have many girlfriends at all to just go out w/ and have fun. I always feel like girls don't want to be my friend. That the only one who could possibly want to be around me is my boyfriend, and not even him all the time. I see how dysfunctional this is, but when I try to rely on myself for happiness I just end up putting myself down and feel unwanted and unworthy of anything good. Damn how pathetic! šŸ™‚ Well thanks for your help. Wish me luck...Ava

December 31, 1999
4:15 pm
Avatar
Ava
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Anglewings
The most profound and welcome thing you said that nobody else has mentioned and that I really appreciate is the fact that I am so angry, hurt, and resentful inside... and that he has got to have some issue too if he allows his side of this relationship to go on. His mom is co-dep on her husband . So maybe he sees this as normal and expected... especially because although his mother is unhappy w/ her marriage, her husband is fine w/ it and makes no effort to change because he knows she will always be there. My boyfriend sees this as a happy and functional marriage, despite the complaints by his mom. It all makes me want to throw up. There is no abuse in this relationship. I have been in an abusive relationship in the past and will never tolerate that again. Now its like since my guy doesn't hurt me I think he is right for me... when really it's me who is hurting myself now. I am the self abuser now who takes out all her hurt on her surroundings. But thank you for acknowledging that there is some stuff going on w/ him too. He seriously enjoys making me out to be the sorry dysfunctional character in this relationship and pretends that he is my saviour from pain. Oh Please! Ava

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
31
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110922
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38536
Posts: 714207
Newest Members:
Corties, patrickstayes, kevinkovalsky, izzy39, RoyFollman, kevin021
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer