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New Codependent Here- Long, Sad Story P
September 9, 2005
8:53 am
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linspurdu
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September 30, 2010
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Hello-

I have recently come to realize that I'm codependent. This realization came out as a result of a terrible break-up and a breakdown that occurred as a result. Here's my story.

Almost 4 years ago, I met my ex online. I had only recently ended another 4 year relationship but was over it and felt ready to pursue something else. I was immediately smitten by the charming, good-looking man who emailed me wanting to chat and get to know one another. We met about a month after beginning to talk and from that day on, our relationship was a whirlwind. We fell in love very quickly telling each other the 3 magic words in less than a month after meeting. I was happy, in love, and thought he was the person I would spend the rest of my life with. Over time, I began to notice some red flags. He was sad, distracted, and procrastinated a lot. He soon lost his job and sat in all day drinking. Our 'honeymoon period' didn't last all that long and he started to detach and distance himself. He was still struggling with his prior relationship ending and also the fact that his music career was going down the toilet. I was always attempting to do everything I could to make him happy- enabling him by buying him alcohol, taking care of his personal business, forcing him to talk to me.... it felt uncomfortable but good at the same time because I was allowed to let my nurturing side come out. He soon decided to return to school to begin a Master's in music which involved a move about 3 hours south from where we lived. I decided to find another job and accompany him. We settled into our new town and he started school. It was there that things started to really get bad. His depression got so bad he couldn't leave the house and quit going to class. He would stay up all night surfing the Internet, writing music, and drinking. He was sad, anxious, and lazy. I didn't know what to do but tried everything in my power to help him out of his slump. One night, I was shocked to discover that he had been chatting with strange woman on Yahoo Messenger and had used my cell phone to contact one of them. I was angry, hurt, and felt betrayed. He apologized and said he did it out of boredom. But the Messenger thing became an ongoing problem in our relationship.... along with that, I found that he was engaging in internt porn a lot. He always became hostile and defensive whenever I would bring it up, so I backed off it and just chalked it up to him being a man. He once woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me that he felt he had a crush on one of his friend's girlfriends. I was again shocked, betrayed, and hurt.... confused as to why he was telling me all of this. But that crush soon dwindled and we moved on. He soon failed out of school and we ended up moving again to my hometown. Things progressively got worse. He was unemployed and everytime he did get a job, he would quit or get fired. He was drinking every night- sometimes throughout the day. There were a couple of occassions where he asked me to take him to the local rehab center to detox. I always thought that would be a jumping off point to sobriety but it would last a month or so and then he would begin all over again. He became mentally abusive as I was trying to control everything and he pushed me away as a result. He was always pursuing other woman.... not under my nose, but I would always find out about them. I was always feeling insecure, scared, angry, hurt.... my self-esteem pummelled. I just wanted acceptance from this man who I tried so hard to take care of. But he was always straying.

In January of this year, he began a new job.... a good one. One that I thought would give him the self-confidence he was so lacking. He met several new people in his training class and they began hanging out frequently.... but he would never let me hang with them. I started to suspect that he was involved with one woman named Belle who happened to be married. He would go there some evenings when her husband was out of town and not come home until the next morning. I would confront him constantly about my suspicions and he would get angry and only say 'I'm offended you would even ask'. One night, 2 days before we were scheduled to move into a new apartment, he woke me up in the middle of the night, intoxicated to tell me that yes, he had slept with Belle on several occassions. I was not surprised, but hurt nonetheless. He seemed to full of regret and stated that it had stopped.... so I decided to continue on with him. We moved into our new apartment and the next month was terrible.... I was trying to get over the fact that he had cheated (which was not the first time, by the way) and was constantly berating him with the same questions over and over in an attempt to gain some reassurance and security. My trust in him, which had already dwindled, was completly destroyed. We argued and fought constantly. We had always had intimacy issues- he never wanted to have sex- and it only became worse.... and I was offended that he could 'give it up' to someone else but not his own girlfriend. I felt used. I felt like I was going crazy. I was absolutely consumed by the situation. And it only served to push him away. He broke up with me one month to the day that we moved into our new apartment.

I've written a novel here and will have to begin a Part II to go into the post break-up events. But let me say that there is so much more to these 4 years then I have written about above.... I could write a novel about all the situations and drama that went down in our relationship. And through it all... I stayed convinced that the love I had for him would empower him to change.....

September 9, 2005
11:56 am
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gofigure
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September 24, 2010
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Linspurdu,
I suspect the one thing you will hear over and over again is that you cannot change a person who has no interest in changing. I guess too, even if that person DOES want to change you STILL have no power to change them--the onus is on them.

I feel for you and your situation. It is a terrible thing to realize: 1) that no matter what you do, some people will continue to treat you like sh*t and 2) despite the same treatment again and again, we continue to come back for more, hoping against hope they will see the error of their ways and become respectful.

I urge you to do your utmost to respect yourself enough to begin the healing process and resist the urge to try again with him, particularly while he is still in this same mode.
I myself have been in a situation (marriage) for nearly 12 years that over time has turned me into a emotionless shell due to years of abuse and neglect, and as I heal I look back and wonder how I possible could have disrespected myself so much that I allowed such demeaning behavior toward me.

Please for your own sake stay here--it is a wonderful place of affirmation and health. Know you are not alone and healing and becoming a whole person once again is possible.

Love,
~go

September 9, 2005
2:55 pm
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kathygy
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September 30, 2010
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The belief that my love will change a man and cause him to love me is a huge fantasy. I know I have tired it many times with no success. What do you want now from this web site? What do you need help with? I take it that you are finished with this man. Have you broken all ties? Now is the time to work on yourself and build up your self esteem so you won't get into another situation like this. This man is bad news and did not deserve any of your love and devotion. You need to understand why you put up with this man who obviously had no love or respect for you. No wonder you felt used because that's what it sounds like he did.
You deserve someone who can love you and treat you with respect in a consistent manner.

love,
kathy

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