Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
New. Co-dependent. Long Post. Drama Drama.
September 3, 2006
2:55 am
Avatar
WiltedLeaf
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

So - This is my first post. I've been lurking for a bit and now feel like I should step out from the shadows.
I'm also terribly sorry that this post is so unfathomably long...I didn't mean for it to be.. I just kept GROWING..
Sometimes its just nice to vent or get things off your chest

I'm an 18-year-old female and a virgin (this will come in handy later in the story). I come from a family with an alcoholic/drug addict/depressed adoptive father, and a bipolar/paranoid delusional birth mother. My biological father, whom I met two years ago, is major depressive.
I was hospitalized last October for suicidal ideations, depression, and cutting. I am major depressive (although my current psychiatrist believes I may be bipolar... I'm on 200mg Zoloft for it), I have severe paranoia, OCD, and am, as you may have guessed, a co-dependent.
I was recently kicked out of my mother's house for smoking cigarettes as a stress relief, and for saying/doing things I don't remember. She believes I have been stealing from her, drinking, doing drugs, and being promiscuous - All of which are not true. She seems to derive some sort of selfgratification from telling everyone who knows me about these falsehoods.
I partook of an internet relationship which lasted 5 years, off and on. I just ended it this year because it became stagnant and was hindering my self growth. My ex-significant other, I believe, may also be a co-dependent.
However, now I'm hooked onto another "relationship," if you could even stand to call it that, in which one part of my brain knows for a fact that there is something dreadfully wrong with it and that it will never go anywhere, but the other side of my brain tells me to hang around to see what happens.
I have been enamored by this boy ever since I first laid eyes on him a couple years ago - he was/is my waiter at a restaurant I frequent. He lost his mother at a young age - she just up and left and he hasn't heard from her since. Because of this, I believe, he is emotionally standoffish, although I could just be making excuses for him...
A few months ago we started hanging out more often, to the point where I was spending the night at his house (we would play videogames all night, as he would work during the day) which he shares with his ex-girlfriend (who often sleeps in the same bed as him/us) and two co-workers. About a month ago a novel sexual incident occured which, the next day, I found myself worrying over to the point of physical illness - I found myself unable to eat much of anything for two weeks, dropping 10lbs - all because I was unsure of HIS thoughts... A few days after the first incident the same thing happened, and then maybe a week later we took it one step up.
I refuse to admit to myself that it was a purely sexual experience, because he opens up to me and goes out of his way to do me favors (even when we were still at a normal friendship level). I told him almost a year ago how I feel, so I know he isn't blind in the matter, and he has an obscene number of women he could be promiscuous with instead of me.. I'm completetly confused about the entire situation...
If I don't mean anything to him, why does he call me so often to hang out with him and his friends and agree to help me out so much?
For example, he agreed to take me to the airport last Friday morning, and arrived at my house around 3am with two $6 breakfasts for us from Starbucks which he bought of his own accord. Around 5-7a.m.ish we were talking about how my Adoptive father doesn't trust him, when he says that his "intentions are purely G-rated" which would be a good explaination, but completely ripped my heart out through my throat. Then, at the airport, he decides to come in and keep me company until I have to leave, so we're playing Bomberman (ironically) on his Nintendo DS, when I decide its time to leave. He takes a few pictures of me and the abandoned luggage behind us (which we reported), I stand up and ask for a hug, but he looks around some and refuses, cutting me again deeply. Once he reaches his car, he calls me to tell me about a funny incident that occured and about how it is another omen (we saw three that morning).
I don't know where I stand and it's driving me crazy - but I don't want to confront him because I'm afraid - no, scratch that - TERRIFIED to say something to push him away. Anytime I think about him and have no way to talk to him or see him I have small-scale panic attacks.

...
Alright. Thats enough for this post..... Thank you for putting up with my nonsense.

September 3, 2006
4:05 am
Avatar
doubleloss
Guest
Guests

o wilted, read the posts on codepndancy here, there is so much useful information. You are very young and believe me, you'll have enough time to figure out boys, and deal with heart break. Your friend seems to be just that a friend. You told him how you feel about him a year ago and nothing has changed, so take things for what they are. Always believe when a person tells you who they are and what they want.
Don't make excuses for him, his mother left. You say you're a virgin, thus, i assume you haven't slept with him and THAT'S GOOD. If there has been sexual play you have to be careful with your heart, he has been clear that he is not interested, so accept his friendship and move on.
I know this sounds harsh and difficult, but baby if you take a careful look at things , you'll know what is right in your heart. You seem to alreaady have a lot to deal with (depression, disfuntional family, codependancy), so i would suggest that you try to concentrate on understanding and dealing with those issues, help and heal yourself, allow your beatiful person to grow into a healthy young woman and start doing teh work NOW! don't wait until you are 40 or 50 to learn the lessons. Save yourself pain and heartache.

You've come to this site for a reason, for help and learning,use it! keep posting, there are some amazing people in this community.

and, good for you to be a virgin. wait until you find a guy that loves you and respects you. take care.dl.

September 3, 2006
5:24 am
Avatar
cloud nine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi there.

welcome to this site wiltedleaf,
thanks for posting , will write to you later
cloud nine

September 3, 2006
11:37 am
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Wilted and welcome to the site.

Don't have much to add as I think the advice Doubleloss gave you was absolutely right on, EXCELLENT.

Good luck and keep posting.

Lolli

September 3, 2006
11:57 am
Avatar
WiltedLeaf
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you so much for your advice, doubleloss <3 And thank you, cloud nine and lolli, for actually taking the time to read everything I wrote - I looked at it again this morning and was flabbergasted... Oh, how I love late-night ramblings!

September 6, 2006
12:51 pm
Avatar
wazz
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sweetie - why is your mother so not getting you - she should be supporting you, not kicking you out of her house when you need her.

You seem to have all your values in place...did she play a part in this somewhere? Can't you talk it through?

You sound so very young, maybe younger than your years. But also very wise for sticking to your beliefs. It seems to me that you know exactly what is happening, that you are being objective not subjective, and that's step one.

Don't beat yourself up, go with your gut feelings about what is right for you.

September 6, 2006
1:01 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

wilted,

I think a lot of us here know about that panicky feeling of being abandoned by someone we love...it's a pretty good sign that we've given up our rights and power in the relationship. It means that you need to take a look at your boundaries. This guy seems like he wants to be your friend, but nothing more. So, you can't change his mind. All you can do is decide what's best for you, given that information. Maybe sleeping over isn't a good idea anymore. Or, maybe you need to take a complete break from the friendship for a month or two. Maybe it would be better for you not to be friends with him at all, as painful as that may be.

regardless, anytime you feel "obsessed" with someone, it's a clear indication that you need to take a step back and gain some perspective. It's really hard. Many of us are in various stages of doing this, or trying to do this...it is painful and uncomrfortable, and we spend a lot of days and nights being miserable....but it is essential to do in order to gain our selves back.

Best wishes,

zax

September 7, 2006
4:29 pm
Avatar
WiltedLeaf
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((wazz))
She did play a part in my values being in place, but she used fear to drive them into me.

I'm terrified of being close to people, so I push them away - all because she was raped when she was younger and pushed that fear into me. Im deathly afraid of sexual encounters, I don't know what to do with myself. This fear has kept me from meeting new - potentially good for me - people.

I don't do drugs or drink because both of my fathers were substance abusers and she slapped that fear into me at an early age. I know they aren't good to do in the first place, but that is my main reason for abstaining.

Also, when I was younger, I had a "Cinderella" complex. I was my mother's little helper - anything she needed done, I was the one to do it. Up until she stopped "needing" me (when she divorced my adoptive father and got remarried about 2-3 years ago) I was completely compliant to her every whim, but because she needed me less and less, and eventually not at all, I started filling my time with my own thoughts and feelings, instead of the ones she had me programed with. Now, because I'm more of an indipendant person, for some reason we can't see eye to eye anymore.. and I am pretty much incapable of being in a conflict, so nothing ever gets resolved. In our latest fight, I was staying with her for two weeks because I was completely broke with absolutely no food and some of my utilities had been cut off, and she ended up calling me a leech and bringing up past bs, and then yelled at me when I couldn't "talk" to her about any of it. She said that I wanted to be an adult, but I don't know how to. True, at that point I didn't have a liscence (which I now have), a car (which I now have), or a job (I'm going to college fulltime and searching for some parttime work). I left after that arguement to go back to my house - I may have not had food or gas for a good week or so, but at least I wasn't under her barrage of constant insults.

And because of this cinderella complex, I AM much younger than my years.. for a good while I felt like I was mentally a 12 year old... I had a lot of maturing to do in very few years, and Im certain I missed some key concepts somewhere in the process..

September 7, 2006
4:39 pm
Avatar
WiltedLeaf
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((zax))
I ended up going over last night and decided to stay, and as a result I played hookie from classes today - something very unlike me.

We did end up doing some things..

I feel like I have a switch for my emotions that I can throw, after a good deal of coaxing/thought/pain, that completely cuts me off from any subjective feelings..

Because of this switch, last night was just a fun encounter, and I blocked myself from looking any further into it.

I left his house about 2 hours ago, after sleeping together but on opposite sides of the same mattress for a good bit. I have to make a list to go grocery shopping (my house is completely devoid of food, the only thing I've had to eat in the past 2 days was a bowl of oatmeal and a small cookie a friend offered me). He's at work, I'm not antsy at all to go see him.
But despite all this repression, I do hope he calls again tonight..

September 7, 2006
5:02 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

wilted,

to me you sound very smart for your age. I'm sure, by what you wrote, that you know this isn't healthy for you. Of course you hope he calls tonight - it's very much an addiction...you feel lost without talking to him, panicky, afraid, then you see him, hang out for a bit, calm down and wonder "what was I thinking? Everything is fine." And then a day or two goes by and you don't hear from him and then whole cycle starts again ..."what if he's with somebody else, what if he really doesn't like me, why hasn't he called, what if he never wants to see me again....."

I can only offer advice, you have to decide when you've had enough. And it sounds like you have a lot of other issues to work through - will you ever be able to enter a healthy relationship if you don't work through some of those problems?

I'm not sure if you are going to counseling - if not, give some real thought to it. Most colleges have a counseling service offered to students free of charge or for a very minimal (like $2-10 a session) fee. I think it would REALLY benefit you. A lot of times, we are too confused to figure stuff out for ourselves - it takes an objective outsider's perspective to help us see what's wrong.

take care,

zax

September 7, 2006
5:39 pm
Avatar
WiltedLeaf
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((zax))

You hit the nail on the head.
And as for the healthy relationship thing, its almost like a joke in my family that I'm never going to get married... at some points it becomes unpleasantly cruel.

And I did go to counseling for a while, especially after I got out of the hospital, but my counselor went on maternity leave and we kinda just dropped off into the abyss...
I'll definately look into what services my college offers.. that'll be much easier (and definately less expensive! Always a plus!!)

Thank you!~

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
21
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110976
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714261
Newest Members:
nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why.., Why.
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information