Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
New and Searching for Answers
June 12, 2007
10:55 pm
Avatar
desperado
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

As the subject implies - I am new here and searching for some answers. Before I get to my questions - a little background on me.

My counselor believes I am codependent. This diagnosis (if you call it that) was reached after hearing the story of my upbringing in an emotionally abusive family which eventually split because of divorce. Divorce lead to fear of abandonment, general fear of losing those close to you... etc.

After hearing the symptoms of codependency and researching it more - I agree that I am codependent. Its a sad way to live life. I am so thankful that I am on my road to recovery.

I need help figuring out how to cope with some important people in my life - my coworkers. I don't know where to start with establishing healthy boundaries and being assertive when I haven't had boundaries or assertiveness for so long.

The fear of angering somebody is compounded when I start to think about HOW I will actually start establshing boundaries and being assertive. As it is now - I am getting walked all over by everybody.

Underneath this dysfunctional layer of myself lies a very ambitous and highly skilled professional ready to move up the ladder. I fear I never will though with the poor working relationships I establish with my coworkers.

How do I overcome my distrust (another codependent symptom) of my coworkers and start trusting them?

How do I start loving myself enough to believe that I should move up the ladder? Right now I think anybody and everybody is a better choice than me to move up. That has to change if I ever plan to advance in this world.

Thanks for reading and thanks for you advice.

June 12, 2007
11:30 pm
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Desperado, Welcome to the site, you are in the right place. Most of us here are trying to heal ourselves from codependency and I can tell you it does get better. It's probably the most difficult and the most valuable I have sdone for myself so far. The first thing I did, was read s many books, on Codependency, self-esteem, self-awareness, power of positive thinking, as I could get my hands on. Most of the books I read several times over. I got the the root of my codependency with the help of my therapist and started to work my way up. It has been about three year now. I feel better than I did before but I have a long way to go. I also did the twelve steps through AA and now I want to do them though CoDa. Basically I decided to do whatever it took for me to rid myself of the insecurity and fear based life that I was living. That's where we all have to start, with a commitment to ourselves to do whatever it takes...Keep posting. People here understand you.

June 13, 2007
7:11 am
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

yes, commit you yourself and set boundaries......just by saying "no" is huge, it make you happy, instead of saying "yes" to please others.

You are on the right track, keep posting and reading posts.

Its a long road, but every lil' step you take for helping & making yourself better, all adds up.

Know you are not alone.

June 13, 2007
9:31 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Welcome Desp! There are lots of books that can help you. May I suggest "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud that can help you with setting boundaries with co-workers around you?

Wishing you all the best!

June 13, 2007
9:52 pm
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

welcome,

Some times its overwhelming to view the entire codependency picture and all of those things we wish to change about ourselves.

Pick a starting place and work on that such as setting boundaries for yourself. Whats the biggest thing you wish you could change and why?
With your co-workers don't view the entire moving up the ladder, focus on tomorrow and how you are going to set a new boundary with them. There are so many people here who can share experiences, give advise and who's been right where you are now.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 15, 2007
2:19 pm
Avatar
myboys04
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hello,

This is my first time at this site and I'm in need of some answers. I just started counseling for safing my marriage. I have been married for almost 9 years and have been together for 17 years. I am a very jealous person and its ruining my relationship. I know that he is not doing anything but yet I think that he is. I have a hard time letting him go out wondering what he is doing. This is a hard subject for me and I think that I have cried about 2 weeks straight now. Can someone help

January 15, 2009
9:47 pm
Avatar
lifehappens
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I found this site by a fluke or luck I don't know.
I am not into nor practice a organized religion.
And this well be the first time (not including my therapist) that I have asked for help.

My story does defiantly not measure up to the horrific stories that have been shared here, and I don't know if I would be allowed to be here, because of it's "almost" result.

In the mist of a difficult time in my life, lets see, having agoraphobia, recovered alcoholic, finding out my 10 fussed vertebra back last two vertebras are crushing and mobility questionable sooner or later. My 30 year marriage ending.

Going through how to pay for legal bills, house I would like to stay in, arthritis (I am an Artist) Painter). Three sons that have problems with relating to a Mom going through these things.

So at 55 ( I am now 57) I go up to visit my Mom up the coast for a visit, or cheap vacation if you know what I mean, to chill out relax enjoy my moms company which I thought was air tight.
And to help her (she was 85 then) and... well, needing some assistance at times which I am so glad to do for her.

At the same time my brother was going to visit for a day, I can't remember why, just coincidence
as for as I remember. My brother is a cancer surviver older by three years. He smokes marijuana for his cancer (?) so he was high and he was drinking beer, milk and Kailua.

Before going on I well tell you we are back rubbers, you know, my Dad would rub our backs and I did with my kids, and feet too just because we did, after a tough day, my dad would rub my back because of my operation and he know it helped etc. all innocent

That evening when he had been driving all day getting there and complaining of stiffness...
.... so I started messaging his back and neck ( that's where his cancer was) anyway he started saying things like "That feels good I could masturbate with that " ???? What was he joking... I thought he was and ignored it, messaged a little more and stopped.

We all had dinner. After dinner my Mom fell asleep watching T.V as always, and my brother and I continued to watch Letterman. I woke up mom and got her to bed, then I went downstairs to go to bed. I did and fell asleep, then there was a little knock at my door and it's my brother ( married by the way with one son ). he wanted to know where the cream was..?

Well first of all it's in the bathroom in plain sight two big bargain size bottles that Mom gets, so that's weird to ask... I said "In the bathroom". And I am thinking why did he wake me up for that ? "

He stays at the door there then asks " Would you like me to get the cream and give you a message ?" O.K now creepy, and I can't express how uncomfortable with this I am feeling, sleepy, confused, bewildered, and just plain sick.

"No, I don't I am sleeping, Tom go away (just a name) go to bed " he closed the door mumbling still but can't hear him. I can't lock the door it has no lock on it. I am awake now, frighten.

O.K nothing actually happened but I am so scared by this, so weirded out, I can't sleep, I don't know if he'll come back I don't know what's happening period. I wait till the suns up I hear my Mom moving around up stairs, I get dressed and go up there, Tom would have been sleep in the little room I had to walk through to get to the stairs, I open the door he's no there, great !!

Mom notices I am up with something going on .. so I tell her, she's my Mom, I am scared I thought that's what you do, I've been going through enough crap I need to talk !!

She listens blankly, but listens. Tom's gone he left, he told Mom he had some errands. Nothing happens, I mean like what could happen, Mom spanks him, he's grounded for life.

Is this crazy, I am I over reacting ?. Two years later to my mom it's a he said she said thing, no believability of me. Tom denies everything, never talks about it. Since then I well not talk to him. I don't allow him in my house. His denial of it never happening tears me apart. I am hurt, miserable, I think he has a problem that he needs to attend to it know one suggests this to him.. His wife goes along with him, my ex believes me but says nothing to my defense( why should he he's out of my life) no one comes to my defense, know one else was there.

I know this is nothing to your histories, but the fall out of this is a never ending hurt, that for one my own mom doesn't believe me. My kids 32,30,21 have problems of how to react, and I completely understand. And they don't want to loose their discount at the store my brother works at.. yea I think that goes through their minds.

The fallout still goes on in many, many ways big important ways. I can't forget what happened. I don't trust my brother, who lives less than a mile away from me. My mom is in denial which has now really interfered with our relationship.

I now have to move, more than likely out of the state for financial purposes, partly from all this and other contributing factors. I leave with this shame, guilt and open sore of a memory.

Well... PLEASE say something, I take pills for anxiety attacks, I can't leave my home. I am a nice person with lots of life left and all alone. I can tuck it away, but there is that elephant in the living room.

lifehappens

January 15, 2009
10:53 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

lifehappens- The cause of your brothers problem is quite simple his brain was soaked in alchol and marjuana at the time. Once someone is under the influence of drugs and alcohol they become unreasonable and irrational. You cant compare them to someone who is clean and sober.

People under the influence typically are impulsive and live in the moment. They are selfish and only think of themselves. They behave like out of control teenagers and have no sense of responsibiity. Therefore women are not their mothers, wives, sisters, daughters they become just another female. See these other titles denote responsibiities and pot heads and intoxicated people dont do responsiblity the word is definatly not in their vocabulary.

Thats all that was about. Remember people under the influence experience memory loss and black outs.

Massaging is intimate and can stimulate adults sexually. Doesnt matter if the adult you are massaging shares genetic material with you or not.

You cant go back and change the past. You need to forgive yourself and let it go. I think if you stay away from your brother or anyone else who smokes pot and drinks alcohol you will be better off.

January 16, 2009
1:35 am
Avatar
chelonia mydas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 7
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Welcome to AAC Lifehappens,

Of course you belong here, this is a place for support. There is no judgement of whose story is worse... just a group of people needing support and honest feedback to make positive changes in their life. If it is causing you pain or worry, then it is worthy of attention and support.

I'm glad you are here and reaching out for help.

What a horrible experience. I totally understand why you are creeped out. You need to deal with these feelings and work through them so you can find some peace with this.

Drugs and alcohol do strange things to people and make them react in unreasonable ways (as Destiny points out).

Do whatever brings peace to your heart. Only you will know what that is... you may have to try out a few different arrangments first, but keep trying to work on this until you feel like you have a better handle on it.

It took me years to deal with some of the things done to me as a result of drug/alcohol induced folks. And I'm still working on it.

Wishing you peace and comfort along this healing journey.

January 16, 2009
1:41 am
Avatar
havefaith
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I completely agree with Destinystar, alcohol and drugs do that! If up until your 50's you never had any other inappropriate behavior from your brother it's completely likely that it was because of how intoxicated he was. He may even be on prescription medications (or other drugs) that effect him as well.
As far as your mother she was 85 years old, as sad as it may be, she may have some early dementia and her judgement can be clouded. I don't think you can expect too much from her...
Also you may also be grieving for the end of your long marriage, the depression and anxiety that you feel over the fear of being on your own (and maybe the betrayal from your ex?) is compounding and ultimately the main reason this is effecting you to the degree it has.
Good luck.

January 16, 2009
2:07 pm
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

lifehappens,

I think your name is great and probably the answer to your problem here. Destiny is right on with pointing out that your brother was stoned and probably thinks that he is innocent.... probably can't recall.

I know exactly how you must feel about your Mom's response, or lack of response. I think that older folks especially just shut down when they hear something so unpleasant. I am not clear on what type of discount would be so valuable that your children would chose that over loyality to you, but you can't control others' choices or behaviors (just because you are upset, they don't have to be).

You must be feeling let down and want clear support and validation from your mother, and that is understandable. I guess the challenge is how can she do that when it would mean losing her son? Tough spot.

What would it take for you to move on?

Cary

January 16, 2009
2:30 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((have faith)))

(((caraway)))

January 16, 2009
6:21 pm
Avatar
lifehappens
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

WOW..
Thanks for all the responses, It helped just writing about for what I hope is the last time.

My brothers behavior is not a isolated history, he's sun bathed nude at my my Mom and Dads (Dads gone now, sure could have used his support) Apt. backyard, meaning others could see. He tried to trick me into taking off my shirt when I was a young teenager once, he's judgement what is appropriate in situations are well... lame if not child like. I know he has gone through cancer and I was there for him, but liking him just because he's my brother is not a what I want to do.

Yes my Mom has difficulties recognizing her son can possibly being a pervert at least is over whelming I understand that, but to sit there and defend his actions as a "he said she said" is a smack in the face. I feel she doesn't want to loose her son as a helper for her, Fixing , cleaning things around her house and his wife who helps her with finical questions and paper work.

So she's made her choice, I don't have to settle for that, I want happiness, I need it, it beens so long since I've felt safe, and laugh out loud funny. I worry 24/7 you name it.

Moving will be a good start and the worse thing that I have ever gotten myself into, I have to shed off this memory, and move on. And I fear with that means loosing some family members. I didn't start this... I don't need this ... I can't fix it.. I am I being selfish ?

I guess but don't mean to , ask for permission to move and to not want the same relationship with my mom. She's not exactly alone she has many friends, across the street and around, new to high school buddies. She promised me and my Lawyer that she was going to sell her house and move n with me, there was never pressure on this and frankly was surprised and questioned her all the time " Are you sure, really sure ? "so I could keep my home and near my kids, it was set and agreed upon..... then she backs out and the brother thing I know had something to do with it.

So I have trust issues, I am exhausted at the prospect of trusting anyone who's intention is to make me happy, the rug is pulled out every time, that's why I like wooden floors I guess.

Thank You again out there, really I don't feel invisible anymore.
Lifehappens

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
23
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111001
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38567
Posts: 714291
Newest Members:
Castano, Yourheart, Aaradhya, tecnhog, Fijirald, Welds
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information