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New and needing help
November 7, 2006
2:37 pm
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lettingo
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I have been married for almost 4 1/2 years. My husband was in recovery and had been sober when I met him. About a year and 1/2 ago he started drinking again and it's been a nightmare ever since. Here is the hard part, he is very sweet and kind never saying a mean word but because of his drinking he lost his job, got a DUI had to do 6 weeks in work release, has been to detox about 5 times always swearing it's over. It was for about 6 months and then he decided to start taking a prescription called adderal which is basically speed. He began getting lots of it and was very addicted. This was much worse than him drinking because his behavior became very bizzare. He started lying about everything like never before, stealing things and getting money at the pawn shops (even my personal items) and stealing my credit card and charging about $3,000. He has once again stopped and is all full of sorry. The problem is, I WANT TO WANT to get out of this marriage but I am so deeply depressed. I do have contact but limited. I filed for a legal separation last week to protect myself financially. My family is so done with him and I really think they will disown me if I do this again. My fear is that I'm not done. I know I am co-dependant. I go to Alanon meeting and I'm on antidepressants but I actually feel like I'm getting worse and not better at times. I know this might sound stupid but this is my husband and feel committed to him. Am I crazy? Everyone says I deserve better. I have a lot going for me but I am so clued to this relationship. When I step back I know it seems crazy but emotionally I really miss him. Even after all the crap and crazyness he caused I wish I could just stay angry and never want to see him again but I feel such dispair lately. I wish there was a treatment center or a detox center that I could go to!!!!!

November 7, 2006
2:50 pm
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gracenotes
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lettingo,

Welcome to this site! You wrote a lot here and it sounds like you want to be out of this marriage. I sometimes thing depression has to do with one part of us wanting to move on to better things, and the other part of us holding on to a situation that is not good for us, and feeling a lot of anger and guilt that gets stuffed inside.

Since you stated the anti-depressnts are not doing much, if any, good, and maybe some harm (and they can do this), I would suggest you get this checked out with the one who prescribed them. And, good for you for filing for a legal separation to protect yourself. I am sure you have many things going for you too.

On this site, we talk a lot about, and do practice No Contact. Sometimes that is the best answer. It certainly is normal to feel ambivalent about all of this too. Now, you are not crazy at all. Many have been just where you are too. But, it does sound like your husband cares more about his drugs than he does about you and these wild behaviors are a product of this drug usage. When someone is using, their mind is scrambled and nothing is going to get better for them, or for you.

A question I would ask myself in this situation is: what am i gaining out of being in this marriage and am I simply staying out of some obligation, guilt, or inertia caused by the depression. It is important that you protect yourself at this time.

There is hope. You have taken a wonderful first step by posting here. Keep posting. There is a lot of support here. You are not alone.

November 7, 2006
3:48 pm
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no, you´re not crazy ... it´s perfectly normal to wanna protect - and not give up on - your "interests" (this relationship you´ve invested your "self" in as much as you have done) ... so ... what I am hearing is that you feel emotionally "glued" to him ... he´s your (emotional) "fix" ... filling (some "lost" or "abandoned" part of) you up somehow ... and on a more "mature" - rational - level - your mind tells you it might be better to distance yourself from him ... at least for now ... maybe temporarily or even definitely ... I strongly believe you can be "there" for him (commited) and "self-protect" at the same time (acting in your own best interest) ... maybe the question is: do you see a way to gain (muster) - more - strength to face "a" personal "truth" about "you" - a "truth" that you seem to have been avoiding, running away from or repressing for some time now -by holding on to this "relationship" (is it still a relationship ...)?

November 7, 2006
3:52 pm
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justhinking
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Wow, Lettingo,

This is my story. This is really my life. I am so in shock that its not even funny. After 10 years of not letting go of my husband and holding on tight because he is such a wonderful man with an addition, the reality hit when he got arrested 2 months ago and he is looking at many years behind bars and me and my kids are out here searching for the answers. The problem is his, not yours.

November 7, 2006
4:31 pm
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lettingo
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Thanks for everyone's response. It helps so much to have found this site. I am sure it will just be another tool to get through this. I did start going to therapy and I have been in alanon and have a sponsor but when I'm in the thick of it like I was this morning, nothing seems to help. Justhinking: Your story is good for me to see since at this point I have been married for five years. [email protected], you make a good point about what is it about me that I am not facing. Why do I need this to keep my focus away from me. I am hoping that I can get to this. gracenotes, I think right now a lot of it has to do with guilt, feeling like he needs me, or the depression and desperately wanting relief from it and the anxiety. The antidepressants really do help because before them I could barely sleep or eat. That has improved. I will stay with this site. I am lucky to have found this site because sometimes I feel so different that others. I am sure that too is something common. My family is baffeled by this.

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