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New and Need Help
May 6, 2004
8:48 am
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feelinglonely
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I am new to this board. I have finally come to recognize that I really am codependent, after being told that for many years. I am in treatment right now. I was married for the past 3 years to a man that is addicted to crack and is physically and verbally abusive. I have finally stood up for myself and kicked him out, changed the locks, and cut off his cell phone. He retaliated by slashing my tires, swinging at me in front of a police officer, and constantly calling and making threats, some to the extreme, as he has threatened to set me on fire. He was arrested two days ago, and he convinced the jailer to allow him to use the sherrif's line to call long distance to me on my cell and again threatened and cursed me out. Then his sister called right back and told me I didn't believe in the same God as her, as her God wouldn't be thinking it was okay for him to be in jail, etc,,. I filed reports and the deputy that overheard him what he said in the jail, wrote a statement. In treatment, I realize that I am paying more attention to negative statements against me and no attention when someone pays me a compliment. I also realize that they are enablers and that they are attempting to rescue their brother/son and will say anything to break me down. Its wierd, but its like I see it, I am aware of it, yet having much difficulty breaking the cycle. Please give any advice or support, I need it!
Donna

May 6, 2004
10:37 am
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gingerleigh
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Hi Donna. Welcome to the threads. You are doing so well, so much better than you are giving yourself credit for right now. Do you know how many people can never draw up the strength to change the locks, file the reports, etc? Try not to let his family bother you. (Easy for me to say, I know!) Blood is thicker than a marriage contract, for certain. Unfortunatley (for them) they have had to live with his issues for much longer than you, and if you feel like you're spinning and clawing your way out of this, imagine all of that compounded by many years of enabling and being duped.

I'm not trying to put down your husband, but when we're talking about addictions and abusive behavior like what you describe, it's a nightmare for any trusting soul who gets sucked into it. The ideal thing would be for his family to bond around you and support you, but that won't happen, sadly. Just as you have cut your husband out of your life, you are also entitled to cut his family out of your life. It will take some time of not returning phone calls, screening your messages, etc. But by not responding to them their fire must either burn out or be directed elsewhere.

Do you have any family or friends of your own that you can lean on in this tough time? Parents or siblings? Even long lost friends you have lost touch with?

May 6, 2004
11:23 am
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CAMER
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DONNA, YOU have done all the right
things so far, be proud of you, and
don't let any "enablers" or his family make you feel less than you
are worth..........You have made that step in shutting off contact with him, even though he may still try to
call you from jail.......you don't need this kind of pain in your life, and from what you wrote about him
slashing your tires and fighting with
cops...sounds like he has alot of
"anger management" issues.......Now is the time to focus on you.....attend
coda meetings...they are great!!! read
coda books and keep coming to this website.........you are doing great!!!!

May 7, 2004
12:18 am
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natty
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Donna (feelinglonely)
Good girl. The others are right, you are doing so much better than you think you are. To find the strength to change the locks etc, and also to file a report straight after the call he made from jail, rather than soften up, is a terrific show of courage and determination to get well, not to mention a belief in yourself.
Very very best of luck to you.

May 7, 2004
1:04 am
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Worried_Dad
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feelinglonely

Dunno, maybe SC should delete your first post with your name in it.

Question: How did he end up in jail?

I think you should get an answering machine that lets you record telephone calls made to you--and then hit the record button whenever he calls you. Try to get a domestic violence protection order. Not a perfect solution, but it makes it easier to have him arrested, if you have to. Which you probably will, again and again.

Crack addiction seems to make people act psychopathic--without conscience. Such people can only limit their behavior when they see it is in their own best interest.

Your safety comes first.

Do you have any male relatives, friends, who could represent protection/intimidation to him?

It sounds like you have been through several cycles of abuse. So you have probably been brainwashed to think that you are dirt. That is hard to get over. Very hard. Step one is to know that you have been brainwashed.

What "treatment" are you in, btw?

Please know that whatever you think of yourself, whatever you have been told, whatever you have "done wrong" or have been told you did wrong that you are a human being. You do not deserve to be abused. But you have been. Abuse has effects on its victims. Please let yourself believe that what you are going through is a natural human response to trauma.

God bless you. Welcome to our rowdy little group of learning, growing, healing friends.

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