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New and Lost--Feel like I've reached the bottom of the earth
December 21, 2008
5:23 pm
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The Last to Know
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Hi everyone,

Well, he did call back...within about an hour of my call...said he had been sleeping..at any rate, it was an ok conversation. The kids were in bed and we talked for over an hour. Today we talked again. School is going to start on Jan.12 and I cant wait...something else to focus on. He said it was nice talking with me and hearing me be "normal." I could tell he was under the influence because his speech was delayed a bit, not bad, but obviously he had been hitting the "pipe."

I feel better that I talked to him and that he communicated with me, but it is weird...I am struggling because I wanted him to call me back so bad and spend time with me. He asked if I wanted to bring the boys over today (I said maybe), then today I said we were going to do our own thing...it is as if now that I "got what I wanted" that he wants to see me...I am not as excited about seeing him...even though it hurt me so much when he wouldn't call...I think I really am crazy. When I think of the future...I cringe thinking of it with him..but it is like I want a temporary fix for myself, to be with him and have him love me, etc. It is really changing. Some of the things he says and some of the things I know he is "Fibbing" about, just make me think he is ridiculous.

I love the Titanic analogy and forcing myself to do something other than call him.

Maybe what you are all telling me is starting to sink in? I don't feel that gratified that he called me back and I talked to him...and I feel like I can go about my day and have fun....do any of you know what that means or why this may be happening?

I don't know what I would do without you guys...I am sorry if it seems that I don't follow all your good advice..I really want to get there. I read it and say to myself, "Yeah, that is what I need to do! Yeah, my bf is on a road to nowhere and I intend to take the highway to somewhere!" and then...the codependency takes over, I block it out and do what I hate to do...let myself be controlled by my sick emotionsl

Thank you so much all of you and please keep posting to me and sharing your ideas. At night when everyone has pretty much signed off, I sometimes just get on this thread and read over and over and over again what you are all telling me...trying to force it to sink in....hugs to all of you and what you are going through...I am going to go bake some cookies with the kids 🙂

December 21, 2008
7:26 pm
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CAMER
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JUST giving support...my computer is whacked out, keep getting kicked off, i think i have a virus on my system, so i can't stay on long....but know I am supporting you and stay strong!!

December 22, 2008
12:11 pm
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Hi everyone,

Made it through the weekend...thank goodness I had my kids. We gave each other lots of extra hugs this weekend and they were showing me skateboard "tricks" in the garage (it was raining).

BF never called me again last night or this morning..what a surprise. I have a little sick feeling, but I am trying to work through it. I haven't cried yet this morning...I did get teary eyed, but they didn't run down my cheek...I hope that is progress.

I hope everyone out there is safe and doing ok...all my love to all of you!!

December 22, 2008
12:26 pm
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CAMER
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yes, it is progress....see The Last, he is not calling you cuz he is too busy or what not, so don't sit at home waiting for that phone to ring,
get out, be active, hang with friends and family, and be your own best friend. The real him is starting to show. You are better than this and can thru with this hour by hour, day by day!

December 22, 2008
1:24 pm
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atalose
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Last,

OK here goes are you ready??? LOL

You said “I feel better that I talked to him and that he communicated with me” but you also said “I could tell he was under the influence because his speech was delayed a bit, not bad, but obviously he had been hitting the "pipe."

So I have to ask………what did you really get from this phone call? Someone under the influence saying things he really doesn’t mean but they sounded good. You even said you knew he was fibbing, so really think about it, what was so great about receiving a call from someone who needed to be under the influence in order to talk to you which most of was lies.

You wanted him to call you back because that makes you feel wanted by him. So he invites you and your kids (not real intimate for you but safe for him) over to his house. I’m glad you didn’t go, I’m glad you are subjecting your kids to him and his under the influence.

I think your heart is starting to believe what your mind has been trying to tell you for a very long time.

You nailed it when you said “sick emotions” yup that’s it that’s what we codies run on that keeps taking us way off course.

Another little tip…………..try using EX in front of bf….

As Camer said, you can get thru this, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

(((Last)))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

December 22, 2008
1:57 pm
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StronginHim77
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I've been in your shoes...longing for that phone call, pouncing on the phone when I saw "his" name on caller I.D., then realizing later that he was simply "buzzed" and saying the things I wanted...NEEDED...to hear. But none of it was real because he was under the influence.

It's really sad, but he's playing fantasy games and you're going along with it because of your deep need for the false hope that he really does love you. So many of us have been in your shoes. But his silence since that night he was "buzzed" speaks volumes of Truth. This man does NOT love you. He only seeks to meet his own, selfish needs.

The writing is on the wall, waiting for you to read it.

One other point...do you really want your children exposed to a guy with substance abuse issues? Think about that one very carefully. Your children are your Number One Priority. Do you really want them around him??? You sound like a really great Mom, so I am betting the answer is "No."
- Ma Strong

December 22, 2008
2:57 pm
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Atalose...you make me laugh...I love how you can show me how even in my own words I know this EX BF is not for me.

Ma-you are right and since I left the kids have not been around him. He said that bothers him. I didn't tell him why...just that because he and I are not in a stable relationship right now I don't want to confuse the kids. The real reason? I would never want my kids around that...hence many of our problems when I would leave and go to my mom's instead of going home...I learned to call him ahead of getting home to see if he had been drinking or if there was another "party" at the house. I would not bring the kids there and he was supposed to only do that on NON-kids days. Some days when his own kid was there I would catch him and say.."hello, it is a kids day...he didn't follow the rules with his own kid. I know I know, big big RED FLAGs! The sickness is with my own selfishness of wanting to be with him because I "LOVE" him so much and I still want to fix it to eventually be able to bring the kids back.

I am VERY slowly figuring out that will never work and I am so wishy washy right now...I can't even stand to listen to myself about it. I am disgusted with my lack of strength.

Camer--thanks for always helping me and checking in...you are such a good friend.

December 22, 2008
3:40 pm
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atalose
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Your wishy washy because you are like an addict trying to protect your supply. He is your drug of choice. I don’t really think you love him, I think your addicted to him, addicted to the belief of being in a relationship and living the fairly tale of happily ever after. It’s called toxic love, unhealthy love, unhealthy ideas about love with the basic being that you can’t be happy without someone else.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

December 22, 2008
4:40 pm
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It is so weird, it feels like love but I certainly don't feel loved back. Everything is on his terms and I am just sucking up to him. Yeah, I guess fairy tales don't exist...at least with this guy!

December 23, 2008
10:52 am
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atalose
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Last,

I believe that true love is NOT a painful obsession; it’s not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is NOT all consuming, isolating or constricting. When we believe we can’t be whole or happy without a relationship is very unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse. It brings us to use manipulation, dishonesty and power struggles.

I believe that us codies naturally pick unhealthy people then spend all our time trying to make it right. It’s like we try and force the square peg into the round hole.

I think if we can start seeing relationships not as a goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships.

A relationship that ends is NOT a failure or a punishment…..it is a lesson.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

December 24, 2008
11:48 am
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I am posting that last sentence of yours, Atalose, on my refrigerator. I LOVE IT!! What a revelation.

I am pretty somber today. Although I get my kids at 12:30 and then Xmas Eve at mom's. Tomorrow will be a lonely day.

Happy Holidays to all of you and anyone who is atheist or does not celebrate...I wish you joy and happiness in all your days!

December 24, 2008
12:30 pm
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(((Last)))

I wish you and your children a very Merry Christmas and Thank him for all you already have.

I do agree with Atalose, Ma-strong and Camer. You do need to stop contacting this toxic man. He is no good and he treats you like crap. It will be painful for a longggg time, but hey you have kids, do you want them to see you always crying and upset over someone who treats you like crap? Do you want them to learn that it is okay to treat people that way? NO you do not and I know because you are a good mom. So take the steps necessary to fix it for you and your kids. Forget him.

It took me a longgggggg time to let go of my Ex 10 years of hell and addict's behavior to let go and then it took me 8 months to get over the pain of it....it only recently 1 month has been good and peacful for me. But I like the way I am starting to feel about me, my kids and my home. Being alone isn't so bad and guess what I am actually doing an activity (bowling) that I enjoy without being put down or told what I am not. So you see, you can do it and we have been there to.

Enjoy yourself and your family and grow and learn. Love, Z

December 24, 2008
12:56 pm
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mytime
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Maybe you could catch a movie tomorrow. Marley and Me is coming out tomorrow. That one looks good. Maybe it would get things off of your mind for a little while.

Merry Christmas and I will be thinking about you.

December 24, 2008
2:05 pm
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The movie is a great idea...I'll think about it. Thank you My Time and Zebra for your comments. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and personal feelings. I truly value them. I am just going to keep trying and hope it starts to get easier and that I spend less and less time dwelling on this toxic man.

December 24, 2008
2:48 pm
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spunkycinnabar
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Have you read some of my posts... we are in the same boat, alittle- alot? I took everyones advice on here and I am moving on- but wanting to talk and needing him to be by me- that is hard, but we all move on

December 24, 2008
2:55 pm
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Zebra
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(((spunkycinnabar)))

I am glad you are moving on, me to...it feels sooooooooooooo good, albeit HARD, but GOOD.

(((Last))) I would like to see Marley and Me, eat popcorn and drink soda...how fun. 🙂

With Love, Z

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