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New and Lost--Feel like I've reached the bottom of the earth
December 18, 2008
2:00 pm
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OMG! Camer you are so right, so so right, all of you are, all of my family, counselor, everyone tells me...why are you with him?

I keep reading the posts over and over and trying to beat these smart messages you are all telling me into my head.

He just called me to say he left a key in my car he needs. I asked if there was anything else, he just said "nope." Am I doing ok, I said Yup, ok then bye...and the famous hang up on his part.

December 18, 2008
2:03 pm
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My friend is a good one and she is so sick of hearing all of this for the last 2 1/2 years. I have never seen her so tired of talking with me.

But probably like you all...you must be thinking, we keep telling her what to do but she can't get it into her head...waste of time.

Thank you for not giving up on me...I feel like everyone has and I am so alone....I try to put on a happy face for my kids and it is so hard. I am so sucked into these bad feelings.

December 18, 2008
2:39 pm
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atalose
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Last,

We will be here to continue to tell you “NOT TO TOUCH THE HOT STOVE”

And

When the day arrives where you’ve been burned enough we will be here with cool mater and lots of comfort to help you heal.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

December 18, 2008
2:58 pm
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Thank you so much...I wish it was just a hot stove..haha. You all seem so well adjusted and normal...Thank you for letting me get my feelings out. I hope I can get there, I really really do.

Camer really hit it on the head when she said I was using the furniture as an anchor to get back in....it is so predictable isn't it?

I so very much want to forget him and just say, you are not worth it. See ya!

December 18, 2008
2:59 pm
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He said he asks for me back because he feels sorry for me...I guess I am a pretty sorry person right now.

December 18, 2008
3:18 pm
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atalose
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Well he told you “make no mistakes, we are broken up” and then he asked for a key back.

Sounds over to me, sounds like he’s told you, you are not worth it, see ya! Too bad you couldn’t have beaten him to that one!

Time to move on, doesn’t sound like there is anything further for you to hold onto? Is there?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

December 18, 2008
4:19 pm
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you can do this...you may not be "ready" now, but someday, hopefully soon you will be ready to walk away.

I know its hard, my therapist said the same thing to me b4, that I am "just not ready".....and it was sad, cuz i had to go thru more abuse, more lies, more of all the chaos, cuz **i was truely afraid of being alone**. Finally the day came when the relationship ended. And yes, I was heartbroken, lonely, sad, but I filled up those times with learning about me, hanging with friends, having a "life", not having a new bf to replace...just spending time with me!!

So when you are ready, The Last, just know we are here for you, to help you take the steps to break away.

I wish it could be easier, but breakups are painful, and you do learn alot from them in the long run.

And keep re reading this thread!!!

(((camer))))

December 19, 2008
11:13 am
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Atalose,

You are so absolutely "nailing it on the head." And if I would have kept my original plan and just changed my number...not run into him at the movies and started those feelings all over again begging him to take me back and how could he do this to me..etc etc....I would have left him floundering...at least it would have felt better.

Now he broke up with me...It surprises me that someone with so many issues would think that I am the one that causes all the problems.

Yesterday, I got so excited because he called me...only to ask if he left a key in my car to his motorcycle.

I called him after work to let him know that I was going to my kids holiday program...he asked if I wanted to borrow his video camera...I said, I think I'll be fine without it (I didn't want to go over there). Then he busts in with, where are you now? Why did you leave work? (OF course because I was so distraught at work they sent me home--not in trouble but, just for R&R). I told him I was on my way to town because my mom was coming with me. Then he says, well stop calling me, I am doing my things today and don't call me until I call you. You can call me tonight after the performance and let me know how it is...or actually I will just call you later.

I went to my friends house, there was a missed call from him about 2 hours after that conversation. I called my friend, she said "don't call back." (He did not leave a message). I took her advice and didn't. I didn't call him after the performance either and he never called me.

This morning is hard, I call him every time I reach work to tell him I got here safe (long drive and foggy). This morning, I did not call...and...he certainly didn't call me.

Tonight at least I have a little work Christmas dinner and gift exchange to go to...it will at least take up some of my time and i have my kids this weekend. I hope I can give them a fun weekend without being a total depressed basket case.

I am still reading the book, Women who love too much, in between everything else.

I keep trying to tell myself, why do I want to be with a guy who for the 3rd time in his life has been on house arrest and now smokes pot and takes steroids..I want so much better, but I feel like I can't help who I love....I feel because every breakup has been retracted in the past that maybe there is a chance this one will too....I am just so sick, physically and mentally. I have a stomach ache, I am so exhausted, so lonely.

On top of that...there is another piece. I have two kids and now their dad is trying to move in on getting me to come back to him. I don't want him...my heart can't love two people and he just doesn't "do it for me" It is ironic though, the kids dad's faults seem so little in comparision to this dry alcoholic, switch addicter (I think that is what my counselor called it...he is a switcher.) My ex-bankrupted us, lied about financing and used to control me by telling me I could not go out with friends, could not continue hobbies I loved etc....what a pool of men I have to choose from huh?

More and more I think a little apartment, even if it isn't the best is better than either of these guys....I feel like my head and heart are stuck in a vice.

You are all so supportive and honest. I am so grateful for your advice (you should all be counselors for this if you aren't already). It is beyond just talking in a support group, you are intelligent, wise and direct. Funny, I feel like you guys care about what happens to me more than the people that are supposed to be the ones spending the rest of their lives with me.

My spirit is broken, if I could lay on a cold bathroom floor for hours and just cry and wail like a baby, it wouldn't be enough. It feels like the person I loved the most died...except it is worse, because he is still around....does that make sense?

I am not in a place to help anyone right now, but if any of you ever need anything of me, please let me know. True friends are hard to find.

For those that are religious, I thank God for you every day...for those that are not....I thank my lucky stars 🙂

December 19, 2008
11:28 am
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hi last, hope you're doing ok, and I know the feeling of you "wanting him to call"....well he has his reasons for not calling, and stick by your guard and "don't" call him either.

I too feel at times, where i just want to curl up in bed in a ball with all the covers on me and just cry for hours. Yeah, crying is good, but I think if I chose this route, i'd be more depressed.

Know you are not alone, and just plan your life hour to hour, cuz who knows what will happen 2nite or 2morrow.

I know I am looking for a job, can't find one, am sick of the choices that I made to get me where I am, a state I hate living in, no job, money going down the drain, it sucks...but they were my choices and now I have to change things for the better, just hour by hour. I can't worry about next week or next month cuz i don't know what will happen.

So keep posting here ((the last)))) and you will do fine.

(((camer)))

December 19, 2008
1:06 pm
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Things are so rough in the job market right now with the economy the way it is, Camer. Don't give up. I have always been good at finding jobs and I don't know what you have tried. Temp agencies are great especially if you are wanting to move...they also place permanent jobs as well. Many have agencies in multiple states, so you could try getting back "Home." You can even try something like Monster.com. You are obviously an asset to any organization. Many big employers have a job site also.

December 19, 2008
1:38 pm
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funny thing is, i applied to numerous temp agencies, BUT all the job avail are about 1 1/2 hrs. away which is way too much travel time, i feel like i live in the boondocks with no jobs surrounding me, well actually there are "alot" of jobs out there, reality is, is at least 100 people are applying for the "same" job, cuz there are so many of us unemployed that we all seek out the same jobs. I know somehow, someway, someday, i'll get that good job, i guess "patience" is my middle name right now. Trying to be patient without worry too much about Jan's bills. So I keep plugging away. And I know life will not always be like this.

Thanks for the support!!

How are you holding up today so far, at least you have your office get together later, make the best of it and have fun!

December 19, 2008
6:54 pm
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Last,

It is hard, breaking up is never easy but you are making it even harder on yourself. He broke up with you, why did you call him after work to let him know you were going to your kid’s holiday program? That’s a clear sign you are not accepting the break up. Then he gets pissed off and tells you to stop calling him. I’m sure just to keep things from reaching that angry stage he throws out “ I will call you later” then doesn’t. How more clearer do you need this spelled out for you? Then you say you didn’t call him after the performance, that’s good because he didn’t want you to.

I can see where he gets fed up because you are not listening. You really need to think about why it is you continue to want to call someone who clearly doesn’t want you to.

Like a child who is seeking attention, positive attention is great and what’s really wanted but they will settle for negative attention to because it’s attention.

And thinking anything about getting back with you ex would be a horrific mistake in your life.

You are never going to move forward or truly grieve the ending of this relationship until you accept it’s over. Your dysfunctional relationship with this guy has been breaking up/making up only to break up again/make up. That can only happen so many times before it becomes old, I’m sure that’s where he’s heading, not to continue doing that and to move on.

We’ve all been exactly where you are today, and we’ve survived and moved on to happier and peaceful parts of life, you can too but not with the weight of this guy tied around your neck. It’s like a choice let him go in order to truly survive or keep hold of him and continue to tread water hoping you won’t sink.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

December 20, 2008
5:10 am
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Camer--I am crossing my fingers and toes that a job works for you...

Atalose...it is horrible, isn't it? I know not to call but can't handle it. He never called me today..the longest period ever....I am proud to say, I did not call him either...not once.

I did have a great time at the holiday gathering. Me and my girlfriends from work went out after and I sang karaoke...fun fun fun. We talked, My other friend from south of the state called and she has a kid free weekend next weekend...so do I...so I think I will go away for a girl's weekend...this is my best friend that was mad at me...she called tonight to say sorry. I told her it was my fault and I was so happy she called.
She is just looking out for me. I had a decent time tonight just hanging out with the girls...now I am at the house and on the computer. I am sad that he hasn't called me, but the knot in my stomach doesn't feel as bad right now..maybe it is temporary, but I am trying to hold on to the good feeling while it lasts.

I keep thinking that even if he did want me back...what would I be going to? I want to be loved, not told how wrong I do everything.

Trying to stay strong and get used to not talking with him.

Atalose---Thanks for the truth...working on my "active listening skills" and trying to put my heart and overwhelming compulsion to call anyway just to hear his voice.

December 20, 2008
10:33 am
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good for you The lost...glad you survived the night and have plans with the ladies down the road!!

Keep busy, know that you will get thru this, and you don't need this type of guy in your life, he seems to bring you down.

Hold your head high & know these feelings or lonliness will pass.

Keep posting too!!

(((camer)))

December 20, 2008
12:23 pm
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atalose
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Good for you lost, “Don’t call that man”. Work on getting control over your impulses. Make an index card with all those horrible things he’s said to you and leave it right next to your phone as a reminder when you are feeling weak or overwhelmed with the need to hear a voice that is filled with toxic sentiment.

Camer is right, keep busy keep making plans with your friend and the girls.

Have you given any thought to your furniture or changing your phone number, the steps needed to insure you won’t be pulled back?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

December 20, 2008
12:51 pm
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I am trying to get there and think of getting my furniture. I think he probably deleted my phone number from his phone already. (Just a guess, that has been what he has done in the past since he is used to speed dial) Perhaps it is another excuse. I think I would rather try to overcome it. This morning is hard...dreaming about him last night..no calls, hurting. I have my boys today, but the sick feeling is back...he is gone and he doesn't want me. Funny thing is I am afraid if he does ever call that I will just say "Thank God...I miss you, please take me back." I will never find anyone that cares for me as much as I care for them, I think. I like the idea of the list by the phone..I may have to make a mini one to tape to my cell phone though.

December 20, 2008
1:50 pm
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HI,yes he may be gone, and who cares if he doesn't want you, look at how he treats you, and i am not trying to be mean, but YOU deserve so much better, and you should start beleiving that, you are a kind sweet woman and he doesn't treat you too well, and takes advantage of his body by poisining it with chemicals and drugs.

Yes, listen to Atalose, and leave that list by the phone....alot of times I know *I* think of all the good times and tend to forget the many, many bad times.

This is about YOU, yours self worth and what you deserve, so maybe it is a blessing that he didn't call you back, you deserve better!!!

Start saying it and belieiving it....wow, i have alot of typos!

(((camer))))

December 20, 2008
3:18 pm
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You, Camer and you, Atalose, are such amazing individuals. I know I keep saying how much I appreciate you but I really really don't know what I would do if it wasn't for you and the others helping me through this. You are not being mean, just straight up...this is what I need, not people just to pat me on the back and say it is ok...but people like you that say..WAKE UP and SMELL the COFFEE!!! You give it to me up front and I love the suggestions. My counselor told me I am so scattered right now that I can't even come up with a real plan...I see her again on Tuesday...in the meantime, it is beautiful here today and I am going to try to shake off this icky feeling I have ... again...take a hot shower and take my beautiful, wonderful boys for a bike ride. It is so hard to get motivated, even though I want to..try try and try again, right?

I absolutely love you guys and I am sending you all the hugs I have left in me for all the things that you are going through...

December 20, 2008
3:37 pm
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((((awww hugs right back to you The last))) and yes, enjoy YOUR day, spend time with your beautiful boys and enjoy that bike ride. And know that each lil' step you take towards taking care of you, the less you will worry about HIM.

Check back later & let me know how your bike ride went & how you're feeling, ok!!

(((camer))))

December 20, 2008
7:31 pm
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Hi ((Camer))

The boys dragged me out..we went for a bike ride...for about 15 minutes before my little one fell off his bike and skinned his elbow. In a way, though I got so busy tending to him and giving him hugs, I forgot about myself...just for a minute. It was still fun.

December 20, 2008
8:49 pm
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oooh your poor boy, hope he is feeling better after the skinned elbow.

Hopefully the children will bring a smile to your face this weekend, cuz they truely love you....keep staying busy, and 2morrow is a new day, hopefully the sun will shine and bring better times (incase you are thinking of HIM)....you will get thru this!!

(((camer)))

December 20, 2008
9:02 pm
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I broke down and called him (of course he let it go to voice mail) I kept it upbeat and left a message saying how cute the boys Christmas program was..and that I wish he could have been there. I told him to give me a ring if he felt like it...I will try to leave it at that. I feel it is a last stitch effort in a failed cause. My boy is feeling better, that is for sure! He is a trooper.

I think I am going to take hot bath #2....I am so depressed. Why are there so many ups and downs.

December 20, 2008
11:43 pm
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its Ok the Last....you made the call, now its up to him to recipocate, if he doesn't call you, then you know, he is being stubborn and doesn't care, and wants you to chase him.....don't make a call back to him!! and now you still have to decide, do you want this guy in your life or not.....see what he is doing to you?? kinda driving you crazy?? huh??...........for now, have a peaceful nites sleep, 2morrow is a new day with new ideas and new everything....sending you supportive (((((hugss))))) i'll be back in am!!

nitey nite!

December 21, 2008
10:44 am
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atalose
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Last,

You made a mistake in a weak moment now it’s time to figure out other coping skills to use during those weak moments. Rather then call him call another friend, post here, go for a walk write your feelings in a journal or something besides calling him.

You wanted to share something special in regards to your kids but you’re looking to share that with someone who truly doesn’t care for if he did he would have been at their holiday program.

I like the analogy of the Titanic: Your relationship with this guy is similar to the titanic after it hit the iceberg, it’s sinking with no chance short of a miracle on his part to change. All you can do is grab a lifeboat and paddle fast and far away from the wreckage other wise the longer you circle around it (calling him) (thoughts of going back) all that is going to happen is you’ll get sucked in and go down with the ship.

The key is to replace your “old” habits with new healthy ones. Like any addiction and it seems you are addicted to this guy, addicted to disappointment from this guy, you are gonna have to give it up cold turkey. So let’s come up with some ideas to help you get away from this sinking ship.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

December 21, 2008
11:28 am
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Each time you succumb to the emotional panic of feeling abandoned and call him, you are risking even further rejection and pain. Please come up with strategies to avoid calling him. You are begging and he knows it. And you will simply feel worse when he doesn't take your calls. Believe me...many of us have been through this.

There is no way to get over him painlessly...but calling him prolongs and intensifies the agony.

- Ma Strong

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