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New and Lost--Feel like I've reached the bottom of the earth
November 30, 2008
12:09 am
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The Last to Know
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Well, after 2 1/2 years of on again, off again with an alcoholic, I finally left. He has actually been sober the last 3 months since he got a DUI (and his license got suspended for a year because he refused to take the breathalizer and they had to do a forced blood test). This man has made me feel like I was the happiest person on earth and the worst possible person that shouldn't be allowed to live. I am a strong, smart, business woman. I am 39 and in my younger days, I probably would have just moved on, but I feel this guy has had everyone give up on him. (Did I mention he and I used to date in high school?) He says I am a (explicative) and a nag. Yet, if I bring up anything that bothers me, he kicks me out, he screams if I ask one question about his day (he is not working)and curses at me. He seems to care less about my feelings..only his own. Then he has to tell his family I am the crazy one. He does make me crazy, I can't tell you how many times I tried to hold him back so he wouldn't drive drunk or drive with his son in the car. The night of his DUI, we had family plans with his child and my children (all between the ages of 6 and 10). He canceled, sent his kid to go be with his mother (also a creep who has no value on her child's education) so he could go drink at his brother's house. I begged him not to go as I had many many times before, explaining that if he really cared about us he wouldn't do it. We had family plans and I could make us a nice dinner. He could drink at home (that could have been scary too...many times I made spur of the moment choices to change visitation of my kids so they wouldn't be around someone drinking). He said more nasty things to me and hung up. He turned his phone off and the next call I got was to pick him up from jail the next morning. I did, he was across the street drinking a beer and told me that he was going to finish it first. After that, he apologized and was on his best behavior for about 2 weeks. Then, the problems with his anger were still around even without the drinking. He was taking lots of Vicadin and chewing tobacco. I was working all day and coming home to a dirty house. He slept all day and played video games (at high volume I might add) all night before I went to work. He shoots off his mouth and then says he is sorry. It has been two weeks since I left. He says nice things one minute and cold the next. Yesterday morning, he was just calling saying we could work it out. Next, I go to a movie with a friend, and I run into him in the parking lot of all things. He told me earlier he was going to call me and instead he is at the Christmas parade with his family (who hates me because of how stupid I act chasing him and because whenever he is mad, he tells them bad things about me.) He defends everyone but me. I asked him why he didn't invite me to the parade (it was traditionally something we both enjoyed) and he said because I didn't call. He then left and said they were going to pizza, no I wasn't invited. He asked me to call him later and gives me a kiss, tells me to go enjoy my boys, instead he calls me at 9:30pm saying he didn't go to the parade (however, he knew I would have been done at 6:00 p.m.) so he obviously did whatever social thing he wanted to....then called when he decided..typical. Then it was, well you didn't call me so if you don't call tonight I understand, but call me tomorrow. Instead I changed my phone number. He left a nasty message on my work voice mail (private thank goodness) saying that he couldn't believe it and he knows what that means so...take care. I am devastated. I just want to run to him, I can't stop crying, I just want him to say, you are the most important thing to me, the way I felt about him. My friends joke with me and say I am always such a fixer. But I can't fix this...I just want to crawl into a hole. Why is it so easy for him and so hard for me? It was so hard to change my number and so hard not to call him. I know I am a fool and I act a fool when he demeans me. I feel like the smartest idiot I have ever known. Thanks for listening to my very long, piece meal story.

November 30, 2008
12:23 am
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through_the_fire
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Last to know---

I think you do know, by the way. And your changing your number was excellent! Way to go! Now about trying to get someone to love you who in no way is capable (over and over and over again that's proven to you)--- well there's some reason you go into that pattern.

Fix yourself, or better yet get some help through counseling, books, input here, to fix a better life for you! You deserve it!

Fire

November 30, 2008
1:25 am
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The Last to Know
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Thanks for the support. I wish I could stop crying and obsessing over him. It is so hard not to call him. I am working on it...so far so good..moment by moment. I feel like such a child, I don't understand why I am not stronger. Day by day, right?

November 30, 2008
10:01 am
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CAMER
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yes, The Last...you have to do this hour by hour too.

I was with an alcoholic back when I was 36 y/o, and we had a rollercoaster ride from hell for 3 years. His drinking, then not drinking, then drinking, then me worrying, and enabling...it is not worth it.

Take time for you, and keep re reading your post.

((((sending you comforting hugs & know you are not alone))))

November 30, 2008
5:09 pm
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Thank you. It hurts so much and he always seems so fine with everything when I am gone. He just laughs and goes on about his life, no big deal. He says he can't live without me, but then he does what he wants and my feelings and desires don't matter. I have to wait for him to decide when he wants to spend time with me....not healthy right? And I do...my whole world revolves around him and I feel so destroyed...I am jealous that he can block me out that easily and that I mean that little to him...sigh.

November 30, 2008
10:10 pm
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Last to Know,

I totally understand your pain, having been there so many times myself. This man is totally unhealthy. My question is do you enjoy being treated this way? If the answer is no, leave the relationship for good and do not look back. It seems like you are taking the proper steps. BUT . . . Do not allow anyone to make you insecure about yourself. Try attending CODA (a 12 step group for codependents). You will see it make a huge difference in your life. It is a group that helps in overcoming codepenedent behaviors and helps us see how we contribute sometimes to our own situations. It is not all your fault, but try to take a look and see how you may have contributed to your situation. It's necessary for us to do that for our personal growth (even myself)

I wish you the Best,

Mr. A

December 1, 2008
1:32 am
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Thanks, Mr. A.,
There are so many ways I contributed to the situation. I read one thing that was one of my favorites in a book...I can't remember the name of the book, but I remember the quote.

A baby throws his spoon on the floor. He watches you pick it up. He throws the spoon on the floor again. You again pick it up. He laughs and continues throwing the spoon over and over, because he knows what you are going to do.

I feel this man treats me this way and kicks me out, then tells me he loves me and to come home over and over. Just like throwing the spoon. Over and over I go back...so I have taught him that he is rewarded for this behavior toward me. I have allowed it to happen. When I stood up for myself, he was so much stronger than me in words and would often look physically scary..very angry.

I feel over time, I took on a role as a mother figure to a grown man because I believe in being motivated, I believe in working, I believe in following rules (like don't drink and drive). When he did try to get better, I don't think I ever got over my mom role because he was staying at home but not contributing to cleaning up after himself, would still be playing video games when I got home and wouldn't stop even when I got there. (Not a big catastrophe I guess) but it hurt. I wasn't important enough for a 5 minute time out from the xbox.

I reacted, boy did I react. Each time thinking he would understand and care about my pain and feelings. I just looked pathetic and he treated me more like a doormat when I asked for his understanding. I will check into CODA. I don't think I can do this all myself. I may even start with EAP at work.

I am so baffled by how he can say I love you so much, you need to come home and then not 5 minutes later say, if you nag at me I will kick you out again...so you can stay, but you have to learn to shut your mouth. I am the man, I am the boss, don't you forget it.

I finally got the strength to change my number...amazing...now I am searching for the strength not to call..the only thing that holds me back is I play the scenario in my head and I know he will use the conversation to humilate me and make sure he is the one who ends it...make himself feel better and me worse.

I feel like a Jerry Springer story. I have admitted my faults to him and sometimes he even seems understanding....he reminds me of what we used to call a "Snapperhead" someone who gets outrageously angry over a sentence if it is said wrong or he feels he is being confronted. I'm talking screaming, kicking you out, cursing, the whole bit, him leaving.

He said I was the classiest girl he ever went out with, and I do think he loves me somehow...but, one of our arguements was that he would always call me crazy...funny thing was that his kid's mom is also crazy, the 3 girlfriends before that were psycho...I finally told him that the only common denominator in any of those situations was HIM. Maybe he was making them crazy by his actions...I told him I never had the police come to my home before I met him...I asked if he ever had the cops come over because of an arguement with a girlfriend. The answer was yes....over and over with multiple girls.

I still feel like I want to fix him...I am trying to see he doesn't feel he is broken or want help. He thinks I ridicule him. I explained I am so far from perfect, I just want us to work on things together for each other....he says it would all go away if I would shut up and do as I was told.

My answer...he wants a dog, not a girlfriend or wife.

Anyway, I guess I am venting. Sorry, but thanks for listening. All your comments really help me get stronger...I don't feel so alone and I hate burdoning my friends with all my issues. They have heard it from me so many times...always willing to listen, but, I don't want to burn them out.

December 1, 2008
11:45 am
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atalose
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Last you said…” I am a strong, smart, business woman.” Keep reminding yourself of that fact.

Alcoholics/addicts don’t have relationships they take hostages.

You became free 2 weeks ago, free from the drama his drinking caused you and your children. Free from his verbal abuse, insults and blame.

I would recommend al-anon meetings in your area, learn about addiction and addicts and how they behave. Several times you made reference to the fact that if he cared he wouldn’t go out and drink. You seem to feel he loves booze/pills more then you, and the truth is, yes he does and will continue to love those over you, over his children, his job, his friends, until he makes the decision to stop drinking and taking pills, they will always be first in his life.

You need to detach emotionally from this man and from the relationship you wished you had. I think us codies mold, push, nag, fix, repair people in order to have the relationship we always wished for. When it ends, that feeling of never having the kind of loving and caring relationship we wish for seems over whelming. Our problem is we always pick the wrong people to try and fit into our dreams and wishes. It’s like trying to force the round peg into the square hole. We just keep trying and trying rather then allow ourselves to get healthy so we will find the square peg to fit into our square hole.

It’s great you changed your phone number, that’s a giant step in a healthy direction.

You said you have had an on again off again relationship with this man for the past 2 ½ years, a pattern has developed something you both have become accustomed to. You need to keep it off and not allow him or your emotions to suck you back in because nothing will be different, all those things you vented about, the poor treatment, him demeaning you that’s what you will go back to and with your eyes wide open.

Find the strength to stay away from this un-healthy person if not for yourself then put your children first before your own low self esteem emotions. We can gain strength from our children and it’s our duty to protect them and their well being from un-healthy people. Manipulating situations by changing your children’s visitation because the man in your life is drunk, is not healthy for you or for your children.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

December 1, 2008
1:05 pm
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Emergency.....I broke down and called him from work, he left me a message there (private voice mail, thank god) that said, I can't believe you changed your phone number. He went bowling and roller skating with his family this weekend....he said that I need to get over being depressed be positive and come home. I asked why he hadn't invited me and why he was so cold. He said he is so tired of my head games. Then he hung up on me...me being me I called and called to say, why did you hang up on me? He said everytime he talks to me I am never happy and I just need to quit asking him questions. I usually would call and wake him up in the mornings to take his son to school. I was bad and have access to see his phone records on line. I knew someone else had called him this morning about the time I did. So I asked, did anyone call you this morning to wake you up? He lied and said no. I could see he got 2 phone calls this morning. I said "Are you sure? You can be honest, I won't judge. we just need to be honest with one another." He again still did not tell the truth and hung up on me again and turned off his phone. Me being stupid called back and said, please stop hanging up on me. He yelled and said, quit asking me stupid questions and calling me a liar!! Then, later he says, just come over, you will see how I feel about you in my eyes. I feel like a yo yo and I know I am putting myself there....I am just spinning out of control.

December 1, 2008
5:13 pm
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The last to know,

Honey, I feel your pain. Been where you have been more times then I would like to admit. Don't do this to yourself anymore. It hurts,
I know... I know... I know.

You are spinning out of control, your right.
But you and only you can gain control of your life. Stop, putting up with his abuse. You are hanging on to false hope. I know, this is hard to hear, but it also the one thing you need to hear more now than ever.

Let go of the false hope, this is not going to change.

Cry and then cry some more. Work through these feeling, open the flood gates, and let it all go.
You deserve better! You worth being loved for the wonderful person you are.... and your not crazy.
Did you hear me ? You are not crazy... just going through some crazy times.

Keep posting, to keep your mind off him for a while. Keep your self busy to stop the obessing, clean, go for a walk, keep on posting until you get this all off your chest.
A big virtal hug to you... I know you need one right now.!!!
TB

December 1, 2008
6:06 pm
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atalose
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The Last to know,

You broke down and called him because you were sneaky and snooped into HIS phone records. You saw a number you didn’t recognize assumed he was involved or getting involved with someone else so you put yourself back into the picture.

When you asked him to be honest with you about anyone calling him this morning, were you honest with him about snooping into his phone records.

When you chose to play on the tracks eventually you are going to get hit by the train.

You are not listening to what this guy is really telling you.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

December 2, 2008
6:10 pm
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Thank you both for your candid and honest help. I did end up talking to him last night on my work phone...(he still has that number..) He said for me to come over and talk. I told him I was tired of making a pathetic fool of myself. He said I wasn't and that he loves me...he is not seeing anyone else. He wants me to move back in and just be quiet. I told him I couldn't do that and that I was hurt. He said so what...let it go...but I always let it go. This morning he was supposed to have jury duty and called at the last minute to reschedule because he didn't feel like waking up yet. (more irresponsible behavior I can't stand). I am trying so hard to gain strength from the things I hate and not the few things I loved. He also had a great time this weekend, better than we usually do together, he went bowling, out to dinner with 15 of his family, roller skating. I asked when I saw him last why he didn't call me the last time I saw him going into the movies and he left me standing in the parking lot, why he didn't call me to invite us bowling after the movie. His answer....there were about 15 of him and his family there and he didn't know if there would be enough lanes...I said not enough lanes for me and my 2 little boys to come? That is ridiculous...but this is the type of story he tells to make it sound like it isn't his fault.

You all must think I am so ridiculously back and forth and YES it was stupid for me to check his phone records...no I wasn't honest about that either and I am less than proud for sure. It wasn't really to see if he was seeing someone else as it was to see if he was out having fun...which obviously he was, while I was crying my eyes out and being sicker than I have ever felt.

December 2, 2008
6:33 pm
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This morning he told me he was going back to sleep and would call me later. Usually he will sleep till about 1:00 p.m. Today it is 3:30 and no phone calls. I tried calling and it just rings and goes to voice mail. No answer. Here I am waiting for him to call..again.

December 2, 2008
11:38 pm
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atalose
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Why?

Why are you waiting for him to call? Is this phone call going to be any different then all the rest? Have you not heard enough of his BS stories yet? Has he not lied to you enough yet? Has he magically changed into the man you hope for him to be in the last 24 hours?

The longer you allow him to occupy your mind the less your mind has to focus on you and your issues. This man is not going to solve those issues he will only continue to contribute to them.

Your focusing on his words, he’s telling you he loves you but his behavior shows different. You are focusing on his schedule, when he sleeps, when he should be awake, where goes, who’s he with and the good times he is having without you while you sit and wait for him to call, again I ask why?

Do you think the pain of ending this for good and walking away is going to be more painful then the pain of trying to hold onto someone who doesn’t want to be held onto?

You may be hearing what he says “he loves you” “wants you to move back in” “he’s not seeing anyone else” but you are not listening to what his behavior is actually telling you.

Your gut your intuition is hearing and listening, that’s why you are acting out of control, obsessing and appearing desperate and needy. The heart and the head are in conflict over this inconsiderate, degrading, verbally abusive alcoholic.

I think the smart business woman knows she needs to cut her loses before they become greater but the codependent behavior is flying out of control right now.

When the pain of staying becomes greater then the pain of holding on, you’ll do what you need to.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

December 3, 2008
2:17 pm
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You are so right. Sooooo right. He is on his best behavior right now. He just took himself off his antidepressent pills saying he was doing a Science Experiment...(basically meaning it must be me that makes him need medication.) He is not as abusive to others, just me, although he always yells alot in general.

I do focus on his words and I am sure I pick and choose what I want to hear at the time.

Last night I was at a company X-mas party and I was sharing a few things (not in a weird way..she was complaining about her boyfriend and I told her it could be worse..like my situation -- without all the details of course) She knew my ex from years ago when he was 21 and he was buying beer for them (she was 18 and hung out with one of his friends sisters). She said, I know who he is...he is cute, but he is a loser. She said she used to look at him and think..I hope I don't turn out like that when I am 21. She is a professional and she also said, it was a long time ago, but that I am way better than him. She said all he did was party party party and never stopped.

Anyway, I am still rambling. Thank you so much for your help. I keep re-reading your supportive and honest posts...it does give me hope and I hope eventually it will help me find strength to act on what I know needs to happen.

Now though that he is being so "Good", he blames me again and says that He is good, I am the one that has all the problems that I am contributing to the relationship. He said I need to learn to listen to him and shut my mouth when I am told. I do ramble (obviously as in this e-mail) but he is so intolerant. Why is he so forgiving and tolerant of everyone else!

December 3, 2008
2:45 pm
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The Last to Know

Your not rambling.You are trying to tune into your gut, and the truth. He tells you your rambling because he wants to cripple your confidence, and good instincts...He is bad news.

This man doesn't know how to love.

What he is doing is called crazy making, or gaslighting.

The core of his issue with you is he thinks he is better, and your master, and he has a pretty cruel way of justifying that.

It looks like you don't like or want to be treated this way. You don't understand totally the dynamic of an abuser, and what he does to make you confused and keep going back.
He's an emotional vampire, making you weak and powerless, the more you have contact with him.

Look up "How to Spot a Dangerous Man" By Sandra L Brown.

Here is her website. Check the links.

http://saferelationships.com/

Read about gaslighting, crazymaking,psychological abuse, hoovering, and do searches online to garner information about the tactics abusers use, and your role in being caught in their web. Find Domestic abuse sites, to get info.

Talk here for support and to "ramble"....it will all help you get back to your center and strength.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

Learn the tools your BF is using to erode your confidence and abiltiy to detach.

All the Best!

December 5, 2008
4:26 pm
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atalose
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You asked “Why is he so forgiving and tolerant of everyone else!”

Because he knows there would be consequences for his behavior from others. Unfortunately you’ve taught him that his behavior is acceptable, and then an apology makes it better until it happens again repeating that same cycle over and over again.

And no you don’t ramble, please never worry about that, you are venting and letting out what you need to release, please keep posting.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

December 9, 2008
2:06 pm
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I am sorry I haven't posted recently. I am embarrassed. I talked with him and he has been much nicer...but once again, now instead of the alcohol, now I found steroids at his house...then of course he lied to me about what they are. He told me he was getting off his anti-depressant pills..but when I saw the bottle (out in the open, I wasn't hunting his cabinets..it was on top of the TV) I asked, what's this? He said his anti-depressant pills...I said No they are not...there is no label on this bottle...Just be honest. He got so irate...then he calmed down. He then took me to dinner and calmly said he was only going to take them for a couple of months...my problem is that it seems when he leaves one addiction (he hasn't drank alcohol in almost 4 months) he always replaces with another, like vicodin, now, he wants steroids and he almost always has chewing tobacco in his mouth now (disgusting).

The rest of the night went really well and he said he felt really connected (of course I worked really hard to stay calm and not give him the 3rd degree).

He went to court today for his DUI and called practically jumping for joy because he got 3 years probation, 10 days house arrest and a $1700 fine, driving privileges are revoked for a year and during house arrest they will allow him to walk his son to school. He said he "skated." I have to admit I secretly wanted them to throw the book at him (they almost made him put a breathalizer on his car because of how high his BAC was. but he talked the judge out of it).

He didn't want to talk to me last night because he was too nervous and didn't feel like talking before court. I could understand. Today, I called him this morning to say good luck and he said, I still have 10 minutes left to sleep. He called me after court but didn't have time for me to really explain everything. he is too busy.

What now...why the mixed messages.

December 15, 2008
11:55 am
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The Last to Know
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Well, this weekend, he told me that he also told the judge he had been smoking pot. He has been doing it since I left...so now it is no alcohol but steroids and pot while is on house arrest. He said since he told the judge he had done it, then they can't pop him for it when he shows up positive at probation. He is going to get off it now. (the pot not the steroids). He said I am clingy, co-dependent and psycho...I really think he is right. After all this, I still need for him so much to tell me he loves me and wants me to move back in. What a loser I am!

December 15, 2008
11:58 am
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I am trying to read women who love too much (I think it hit every single thing about me in the first few pages of "characteristics.") and co-dependent no more..which I got from my mom (another person who was co-dependent...now I think she is relationship phobic, but anyway, that is another issue.) I just want to sink away sometimes.

December 15, 2008
3:50 pm
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CAMER
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hi the Last, my last bf was alcoholic, drinking regularly, then sobering up, then doing steroids too, the kind you "shoot up"....I was mortified when I found this out, cuz steroids screw up your mind, big time, esp when mixed with drinking.

I guess you have to decide if you want this man in your life, with the pills/steroids...here they are "illegal" and are so in alot of states, plus he just lost his license, going to jail, etc..this is alot to handle, do you want to take this on.

Everything he does isn't too good, and you want him back?? why?? I think if you start reading the Women who love too much and books on self esteem, you will realize that maybe you deserve better, or more!!! Remember, if you accept him with the steroids, the DUI and whatever he may get himself into next, that means you are saying that things are ok, and the more you want to take him back and be clingy, the more he will get away with things and alot more, cuz you accept it.

He doesn't tt on the phone or is being mean, cuz he knows he can get away with it...my last bf did the same thing, the worse he got, the more clingier I got, and I always said, I will not put up with his behavior, and I always did, I was so afraid, afraid mostly to be alone with me, I would rather have choas in my life than no one!!

I don't want to sound harsh, but I think you deserve better than what he is offering you!!!

Keep posting, I am here for you.

(((camer)))

December 18, 2008
11:41 am
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September 27, 2010
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OMG! That sounds exactly how I feel. He was on better behavior. I did go see a counselor on Tuesday for the first time. She said he is toxic and of course I need to work through my co-dependency issues. The bf just got a decent settlement on a work comp case and has been spending every day at the casino spending $1000 at a time. If he starts to lose and I am there (I gamble about $20 every once in awhile and then can leave)he will say my negativity caused his happiness to go away and that causes him to lose. Now he is saying that he is sober now, but has started smoking (an herbal item I think we all know of). He is doing this when his child is home. Then he has the nerve last night to break up with me because I wanted to join him yesterday after work. He said to come and then treated me bad saying I intruded on his good time (he had gone with his mom who subsequently had left (the mom also dropped $800 bucks) and he was still gambling. He started yelling at me in the casino about being controlling and not giving him space. I am sure part of that is true...me trying to fix again or "look out" for him. So night before last he is telling me to move back in he can't live without me and yesterday I showed up happy, he just brought me down and said that we need to break up because he doesn't want to be accountable to anyone and he can't stand me any longer. I got mad and defended myself (against the curse names he called me--trying to set boundaries) but he knows he can run me over. The counselor said it is an impossible relationship because he is a switcher (addict) and he has done it for 26 years. I keep telling myself, he will always pick everything else over me...always. I know I deserve more but it hurts so bad. He said I have too many issues! I know I have issues, but geez. I have stood by him through everything. He doesn't care that he hurts me and then he will say something after he calms down like, "We are broken up...make no mistake. Get your furniture out by the 1st (that is all that is left there, but I don't have any guy help). When I offered to do that today, he said I didn't have to worry about that right now. He said our break ups are "different" than everyone elses. My impression is that he just wants his cake and eat it too...he is tired of me trying to make him responsible and he is on another irresponsible kick that he is in denial over. My best friend asked me how things were going, when I told her how bad it was...AGAIN...she just acted like I was a sad pathetic soul and she said she would pray I could be happy by myself but she didn't want to talk to me anymore because it makes her sick that I go back to him. She said she is tired of hearing how I need to get MY STUFF and that it is just stuff..so be done with it and move on.

How do you do it...I am a smart lady, but so stupid. I can't figure out how I could end up in such a foolish, hurtful position. I am trying to focus more on my kids but there is a huge pain in my chest that is always there and I am always on the verge of tears.

Camer, Atalose, Mr. Anonymous and everyone else that has been so kind to give me support and advice, I pray you don't give up on me too. I really need help from people that understand.

Can you give me any more tips to shake this guy and not feel bad about it...how do you make the hurt go away? Will I ever get to a point where enough is enough. One of my friends said, how much more does he have to do to you before you finally say it is enough....I certainly am not proud of going out with a guy who
I "believe" in but he doesn't care that he is what I would consider a slacker...I am trying to realize I can't change him, but it is so hard. How could he want the lifestyle he has? Why would that be more important to him than me? Anyway, another novel later...I really appreciate all of your patience, it helps me to at least get all these emotions out in writing.

For those of you that are addicts, I am so proud of you for working on getting better. You are strong and I really hope to learn from all of you. I am addicted to a man, in my opinion,I am as low as I have ever been in my life...You are all wonderful and REAL. I thank you for sharing your advice and stories with me...I am honored.

December 18, 2008
12:58 pm
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CAMER
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hi (((the last to know)) i wouldn't give up on you! I just hope you realize the pain he keeps putting you thru, and the more you stay and go back to him, the more he will treat you badly.

Are you "truely" ready to get your stuff out of his house?? have you had "enough"? you have to honestly ask yourself that.

And yes, if you do break up with him, it will be painful, i know when i did, it felt like someone literally ripped my heart out of my body and I felt totally lifeless.....and the reason being, is i put up with too much, too long, and "lost myself" during the whole relationship....but i tell you, I learned alot, i lived with myself, enjoyed my own company, started getting a life, hung out with friends, didn't rush back into a relationship and had the time of my life....alone!!

I think if you focus on you, your wants your needs, set boundaries and stick to them, you will feel more powerful, more strong, more like you can control what you want in your life.

You can never control your guy, he is who he is....but you can control what you put up with. And the longer you try to fix him, the more he will push you away.

So, tell me, how do you feel right now, are you ready to break up with him?? or do you want to stay??

((((camer))))

December 18, 2008
1:44 pm
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The Last to Know
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The problem is he isn't giving me much choice...he said we are not broken up now, but we are on a break. What the heck does that mean? He said he is going to go out of town for a few days and I asked if he wanted me to get my furniture out. He said I don't have to right now until I find another place or whatever...part of me thinks it is a power play. Maybe that is my wishful thinking that he will come to his senses and think I am wonderful.

So back to your question, how do I feel right now...crying my eyes out, can't breathe, so sad and it is starting to interfere with work...his response to me is also that I need to get a life, that I spend too much time on him and I am smothering him, he needs to get away from me and I need to focus on me.

My heart doesn't want that. I want to be strong but I know if I take the furniture out, that is the end. It is going to be really difficult for me to afford a place of my own, that is part of the battle...maybe if I was better prepared financially I would feel different. I feel like I have no place to go (at my mom's temporarily and not proud of it) where I can be myself.

I don't feel ready to let go at all, I just want to hang on...and for him to love me and think of the good times. I want to be strong and not care but I am so wrapped up in him. I can't get my furniture now, I am not strong enough to cut the tie.

December 18, 2008
1:44 pm
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atalose
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{I can't figure out how I could end up in such a foolish, hurtful position.}

You are codependent and have picked the perfect target, an addict with a long history behind him and un-willingness to address his issues.

Your codependency has kept you hostage to this person and his addictions. Where do HIS addictions and YOU begin?

Codependency makes you negative, makes you controlling cause you to “look out” for a grown man. Do you want to be a babysitter or do you want a mature loving and caring relationship someday?

Him asking you to move back in isn’t about HIS LOVE FOR YOU it’s about his need for a punching bag so to speak, someone to put down, someone he feels is less then his own addicted self. That’s not having his cake and eating it to, that’s just demeaning, cruel and abusive. Is that the kind of relationship you want to continue having with this man?

And you are right; he is ALWAYS going to pick everything over you, ALWAYS. Can you live like that? Is that the kind of life you want?

What you have to understand is, it’s not your job to make him responsible or get him out of his denial. He’s a grown man who’s been playing this game fro 26 years, what makes you think he’s gonna stop for you?

Which then leads right back to codependency, wanting so badly to be loved you’re willing to subject yourself to this abuse. Feeling better about yourself when he says things like, he can’t live without you. Wanting so badly to believe it’s love and that he loves you so much, misses you so much he can’t live without you just hearing those words sends you to a happy and peaceful place you’ve longed to be. Then the abuse starts all over again.
Is this roller coaster ride you wish to continue on in life?

It’s impossible NOT to feel bad, sad, and mad or hurt when a relationship ends. But prolonging that hurt only brings further hurt. You’ve never given yourself the chance to grieve the ending because you always run right back. Keeping your furniture there is an anchor of sorts to him and to this relationship. If this furniture were truly that important to you, you’d make arrangements to get it back rather then excuses of “I don’t have any guy help”. It’s your way back, it’s your in, it’s your holding on to someone who is yelling and screaming to you that he doesn’t want to be held.

Your best friend is telling you something here, I’d not only hear her I’d listen.

K{I can't figure out how I could end up in such a foolish, hurtful position.}

You are codependent and have picked the perfect target, an addict with a long history behind him and un-willingness to address his issues.

Your codependency has kept you hostage to this person and his addictions. Where do HIS addictions and YOU begin?

Codependency makes you negative, makes you controlling cause you to “look out” for a grown man. Do you want to be a babysitter or do you want a mature loving and caring relationship someday?

Him asking you to move back in isn’t about HIS LOVE FOR YOU it’s about his need for a punching bag so to speak, someone to put down, someone he feels is less then his own addicted self. That’s not having his cake and eating it to, that’s just demeaning, cruel and abusive. Is that the kind of relationship you want to continue having with this man?

And you are right; he is ALWAYS going to pick everything over you, ALWAYS. Can you live like that? Is that the kind of life you want?

What you have to understand is, it’s not your job to make him responsible or get him out of his denial. He’s a grown man who’s been playing this game fro 26 years, what makes you think he’s gonna stop for you?

Which then leads right back to codependency, wanting so badly to be loved you’re willing to subject yourself to this abuse. Feeling better about yourself when he says things like, he can’t live without you. Wanting so badly to believe it’s love and that he loves you so much, misses you so much he can’t live without you just hearing those words sends you to a happy and peaceful place you’ve longed to be. Then the abuse starts all over again.
Is this roller coaster ride you wish to continue on in life?

It’s impossible NOT to feel bad, sad, and mad or hurt when a relationship ends. But prolonging that hurt only brings further hurt. You’ve never given yourself the chance to grieve the ending because you always run right back. Keeping your furniture there is an anchor of sorts to him and to this relationship. If this furniture were truly that important to you, you’d make arrangements to get it back rather then excuses of “I don’t have any guy help”. It’s your way back, it’s your in, it’s your holding on to someone who is yelling and screaming to you that he doesn’t want to be held.

Your best friend is telling you something here, I’d not only hear her I’d listen.

Keep posting because no one here is giving up on you.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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