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New and don't know where to start
July 30, 2009
4:12 pm
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jayhawkgirl75
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Hi everyone!

I found this site after extensive searching the last days regarding co-dependency. I'm co-dependent, in fact I read the "checklist" and I fit every single one. I am not sure where to start with my situation, but I will try. I was married 12 years to a man who was emotionally abusive. He also cheated on me several times during the marriage. Last April he started an affair with a woman, and he left me for her. They were married this past April, exactly one year after he left me. However, even though he was with her, and started a life with her, he would still come around me. He would tell me that he loved me, that he made a mistake, that he just needed time and he'd make a decision about whether or not to come home. I of course believed him, and put my life on hold for him. This past week his wife found out that he had been coming to me, and she told him to get out of her life. They worked things out for now, and again I was left out in the cold. I have allowed this man to hurt me time and time again, and I put up with so much. I don't want to be this way anymore, don't want to be second choice, or feel second class. I need help. If anyone can suggest how I get help, I would appreciate it. I am in therapy, but I need to find others like me who understand what I'm going through.

Thanks.

July 30, 2009
4:42 pm
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CAMER
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hi Jayhawk, first you have to learn to love yourself more, enough to know you are more worthy than what this man is giving you....which is crumbs. He cheated on you, then got married to another woman, then went back to you, yeah, he probably is not happy with his choices...or feels that he can have both of you women.

Build your self esteem back up, know that he cheated on you, and don't wait around for him....try to move forward in life, have no contact with him if needed, it all helps.

Try attending Coda meetings.......
http://www.coda.org
to find others like ourselves who you can talk with and share feelings, coda meetings are excellent.

Also try reading a few good books on codependency...such as Women who love too much by Robin Norwood, and
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

I wish you luck, and you made a first step by posting here.

Keep posting & know you are not alone.

(((camer)))

July 30, 2009
4:43 pm
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agv
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Jayhawk,
I am trying to solve codependency problems myself. It can be very difficult and confusing. You have to remember your worth is great!!! You are important and it is okay to say how you are feeling. I still have a hard time asserting myself and saying what I think. I don't want to hurt anyones feelings.
Keep reading the books and going to therapy. We can always chat and share our journey on the path to health lives.

July 30, 2009
5:34 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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You have come to the right place. Keep posting.

Bitsy

July 30, 2009
10:37 pm
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atalose
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Jayhawk,

Welcome, glad you found us. All great suggestions, keep posting there are so many here that know exactly what you are going through.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 31, 2009
9:51 am
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Lanigirl
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Jayhawk,

Welcome, this is a great first step in addition to therapy.

I also allowed a person to come in to my life, make bogus promises, leave, come back..... It's exhausting. I'm trying to turn to safe people instead of him so I hope you will take this same lifeline.

August 1, 2009
10:15 pm
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jayhawkgirl75
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Thanks to all for your responses. I have been told over and over, by my family and friends, that I deserve so much better. Yet, I just can't make myself believe that. I did purchase the book "Women Who Love Too Much", and even though I have only read the first few chapters, it so fits me. I have never been in a healthy relationship, so I am not sure what one is. I can't get over feeling that there is something wrong with me...why would he cheat so many times, and marry someone else? I struggle with that on a daily basis.

August 2, 2009
8:48 am
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CAMER
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he may have cheated on you "so" many times, cuz he knew you'd let him get away with it. He used you as his prey, and still went around cheating and marrying someone else, he gets away with it. Trust me though, i beleive in Karma and someday he will "get his".

Stay strong, keep reading, and most of all, know you are not alone, i have been thru alot of bad relationships and then some. Still trying to figure out who I am and what I want.

(((camer))

August 2, 2009
9:21 am
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darkeyes
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Camer when you say your still trying to figure out who and what you are could you explain a little more.

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