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never truly happy in any of my relationships
October 1, 2001
1:15 am
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Christine7
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Hi. I've been in an unhealthy relationship for about a year and a half. We live together and I pay for everything. I have since he dropped out of grad school (which he blames on me) which was eight months ago. This includes rent, groceries, vacations (airplane tickets), etc. Luckily I have a good job, but am feeling waves of resentment that he is not pulling his weight. Other issues incude his addiction to alcohol, cigarettes and his debt. I try to help through the obvious financial support while he "works things out", along with the emotional support. The problem is he is a charmer and everyone loves him, including me. This is part of his appeal. I like the approval from everyone (except my parents don't at all at this point). I haven't seen him in days and his family is calling trying to find out what's going on. I'm extremely angry that I have to deal with all of this- why doesn't he talk with them? Why isn't he being a reponsible adult like everyone else- get a job, pay bills, etc. I'm angry at myself for enabling him to continue on this destructive path. He's coming and going- showing up at 4:30 in the morning, reaking of smoke and alcohol, apolozing for "putting me through all of this pain." The hardest part is knowing that I've been through this before in college. It's almost an identical situation. So here I am on this website, reading about causes of codependency. I'm thinking to myself, how can this be? I come from a very close family that is great at communicating. My parents have been happily married 32 years and there is no alcoholism in the family. They are of course beside themself with guilt, wondering how this has happened to their "perfect" child. I have always been an outgoing over-achiever. The only area I haven't had success in is my relationships. I'm extremely sensitive but all of my boyfriends have said I'm hard to please, never satisfied. Since this current relationship has been unfufilling, I've turned to someone else emotionally in emails and phone calls. I feel extreme guilt, but it is my fantasy escape from what's going on. (My boyfriend knows about this- to a point- and according to he theory this "cheating" is the cause for his failing out of school). This other guy is the extreme opposite of my boyfriend- knows what he wants in life, goes after it and inspires me to do the same. He is having a hard time understanding why I'm staying in this if I'm not happy. Why am I afraid to give that potential relationship a shot- because he's unaccessable, across the country? Is that the appeal? Do I have a fear of intimacy? Am I codependent? Does this stem from my perfect childhood expectations? How do I cope with this situation and move forward? I am seeing a couselor but only a few times a month. Right now I feel despair and extreme lonliness. I just got back from driving around town looking for my boyfriend. Any thoughts out there? I would appreciate any feedback. Thanks.

October 1, 2001
7:35 am
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shades
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I am in the same emotional state in the beginning of every relationship I am happy then I feel unconneted and unhappy like my needs aren't being meet or something. My mate does everything he can to make me happy but it seems like it is never enough. With your situation I feel you are being taken advantage of and really encourage you to move on to a better relationship with yourself or someone else. You are enabling him to do this because you except it. It just seems you have more going on for yourself and he is holding you back.

October 1, 2001
9:03 am
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pam g fu
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Christine7

I am in the same kind of relationship you are I pay for everything and have the same resentment and coming in all hours some times and then one time not at all, you are right we enable them to do this, we can't change them we have to decide if this is what and how we want to live. I am going through the same unhealthy marriage. We have been married 2-1/2 years. I have never had to put up with what I do now. I was married 16 years and never had to worry about the bills, etc. But we grew apart. Thought the grass was greener on the other side.

October 1, 2001
10:07 am
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pill
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Christine, are you a "rescuerer"? Do you feel valuable only when you are helping or rescuing someone? You might look at ways you can feel valued otherwise... There are adults in this world who might want to take care of you for a while too.

October 1, 2001
10:10 pm
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shades
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I didn't even think of that...do you like to take care of him? Does it make you feel needed?

October 2, 2001
2:21 pm
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Molly
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Its time to look inward, normally a woman before she chooses to do some work will fall for the same personality type, and those damn charmers tough game, got one my self. Its hell, but easier now that I can see through it. It took me an almost 2 year seperation, got hoodwinked again but I know my self better, honor my instincts, and am so much better at drawing my personal boundry lines. I wouldn't wish this on any one, so don't get me wrong. I say if your not married, end the relations. Spend 2 years alone, get involved with girlfriends, school, work, charity, date casually, really casually, nothing serious to begin for 2 years, and that includes sex, it really clouds your head.
Just always remember what ever it is that you tolorate, there is a pay off for you and you need to figure out if it to expensive or not. Tough call, but a different awareness.

October 8, 2001
11:28 pm
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bron
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There is a great book called the Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford, have a look it really helped me address personal issues....definitely worth a read....good luck

October 25, 2001
6:22 pm
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DeniseLover
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Bron:
What is the basis of this book? Falling for charmers? Identifying your issues? How to deal with them?

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