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netty73
January 14, 2003
9:42 am
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Hi everyone this is my first time here. I just learned about codependency, and it is me to a "T". I've always lived my life for others but never realized that I was harming them as much as harming myself.

I learned about this because I'm dealing with a AA person who is the father of my 7 year old daughter. When I was in the relationship with him 6 years ago it was awful, I bent over backwards for him in all ways possible but realized he wasn't going to change, so we parted ways and got along all right, because I just put up with him not paying child support and not notifing me 24 hours in advance if he was taking our daughter or not.

About 8 months ago his girlfriend layed charges on him and I had to sign him out of jail which I had to give up my disability for. He has to live with me and I have to go everywhere with him except work and AA meetings. The problem is that I'm expected to be around all the time to go with him any time he wants to go anywhere, and there's no respect towards me at all.

The biggest problem is I have alot of resentment against him because durning my pregnacy I wasn't able to talk about it and he never felt my belly, nothing, but that's just the tip of the iceburg. When I was 7 months pregant I had a brain anyersum and it was my mother and brother who took me to the hospital and he stayed home. He was called from the hospital to tell him they were transporting me to a bigger hospital and when they found out I had a anyersum they called him at work and told him to come to the hospital because this is life or death.

When he got there the doctor asked him to sign the papers that if anything should happen to me that they can take the baby out and he told them to get my mother to sign it. Durning my surgery he went home had a shower, eat and took his time getting back. The surgrey went good and when I was in intensive care they couldn't stablized my blood pressure and weren't sure if I was going to make it but when the nurse told him the he could come and visit me he said he would go in a couple of minutes because he was talking to a stranger (who was a women), when I confronted him about this he told me her father was dying and I told him I could have been dying and I was carrying your child! The responce to that was "I didn't know" and I told him "you never asked".

Anyways the problem is that right now I'm asking myself why did you sign him out after all that he has done to me and he was never there for me so why should I be there for him.

Also I have to sit back and watch him support women (not men) who call here for him and when i'm not at home invites them over from the AA meeting when he can't support me.

Right now I don't know what to do, the conditions are to be changed soon but I'm having a hard time with dealing with it right now. I can't find the strength to sign him back in even thou it has turned my life upside down.

January 14, 2003
9:54 am
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Hi Netty73: Stay strong girl. You have been through a lot and have put up with a lot. It sounds like this is totally a one-sided relationship. He is getting everything from it and you are getting nothing but grief. What is holding you back from signing him back in? I know that you said lack of strength but you have to take care of yourself and do what is best for you and your daughter. He isn't going to change until he has no other choice. By helping him you are enabling him to use and manipulate you. Are you still in love with him or are you doing this because he is the father of your daughter?

January 14, 2003
9:59 am
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I think it's mainly for my daughter. How could i explain to her that i had to sign your father back in.

As far as loving him in the past 8 months we have slept together a couple of times but i told him that i wasn't going to sleep with him for convience that it had to be because he cared and he said he did

Then I think about it and he was in the relationship with this women for 5 years that he can't be over her.

He has talked to me about her all the time and some times he talks like he still cares and has told me what he has done for her and I realize he has never done anything for me so I know he never loved me.

January 14, 2003
10:02 am
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I also have no idea why I would care for him because there's so much he has put me throu.

Thank you for your response.

January 14, 2003
10:05 am
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Netty73 :I have to leave in just a second but I wanted you to know that I was still listening. You deserve so much more happiness than what he is giving you. Nothing that you have written shows that he cares for anybody but himself. If he was with his ex-girlfriend for that many years then why doesn't she step in and take over with him. How much longer do you have to be his keeper? I understand what you are saying about your daughter, but you also have to know that this isn't the kind of relationship that you want her to have with a man when she gets older. She needs to see her mom sticking up for herself and what is right. There is no easy solution. Just know that this is a good site to come to for advice. I am new here myself(at least in the writing part). I am not very good at giving advice, but I do listen pretty well. There are many others that come to this site that will have much better advice and help for you. Hang in there and keep checking back. Later.

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