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Neshie, Night Crew Needs You
September 14, 2005
12:04 am
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Neshema
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I dont really have any bonafide psych issues. I just get down from my arthritis drugs (known side effects of some drugs), plus fatigue. MY doctor wont give me psych drugs, becuaase it becomes tricky to sort out what is going on. I really don't score in the depressed range on any reputable depression inventories. I get out. I have good self esteem. I am not even sure I am a CODA. I did have phobia of planes, but I am over it. I have some PTSD from the stalker. MY main issue is being 44 and lonely. I think it is normal. If i were happy with it, it would be abnormal. I can usually cope and accomplish great things, even with my illness...I just had a very bad year with external forces and I am tired of it. I know depressed people, and I am not really one, but I have my moments. I am disatisfied at the moment and I give too much.

Funny thing is I backed off from this guy, and after the call tonight, he emails me and says, we are both under tremendous stress with our promotions, and is sorry about our conversation. He is confident things will be better soon, and he wants me to know how much I matter to him, and we can't forget the big picture and just respect each other. THat is most important. I appreciated that. That is somethng my parents would do.

Then I get an IM from the guy second in line who I blocked for a few days on IM, and he asks me out to dinner for next week. He wanted to know all about how my mom was and how my promotion was coming along. I think guys need to be reminded every so often you cant be taken for granted. Sad but true in this day and age.

September 14, 2005
12:14 am
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Shaney
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Neshie - I'm back for a short time - I usually have more time to write during the day, but I like to stop in and say hello.

I see why you're so upset - I wish I was there to keep you company and make you laugh. You have all of these blessings to be thankful for, yet you seem to cancel them out with the negative. Instead, try thinking the opposite of what I just read in your post: "I may be chronically ill, with hardly enough energy to go to work, but I'm internationally known, and am up for a big promotion." I see a lot of positives in your life - things that you should sing praises over. See your mother, I'll bet it'll give you a lift - you can afford a day away from the promotion garb - but you can't afford to put off seeing your mother. Feel blessed that you still have her around.

I'll be back in a bit - hope you're still awake when I come back. Toodle, noodle.

September 14, 2005
12:18 am
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mamacinnamon
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Shaney:

What a cool idea.

Neshie for me....

I am chronically ill, but I have been able to stay home and raise my last child.

I cannot work at a job as I loved to do, but I can help folks here.

🙂 Get the idea?

Thanks Shaney

September 14, 2005
12:24 am
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cpt1212
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Hi Everyone, I see we are playing the Glad Game tonight?

September 14, 2005
12:30 am
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Neshema
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I am tired of being alone. I want to share my life with someone. I made it on my own. I have done it all. I have spent all the time they suggest finding yourself. I did it. Now it is my turn. i KNOW how to be alone. I know how to pay bills, own a house, have health insurance, take care of myself, do things by myself, be independent, be comfortable by myself. I am fully independent. Have my own friends. I WANT a companion. I don't want to be told there i something wrong with it. I did the alone thing...now, I have had enough.

September 14, 2005
12:32 am
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Neshema
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and i want to know if it sounds like there is any hope with this guy..can u read what i wrote?

September 14, 2005
12:36 am
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Shaney
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Hi mamma 🙂

I have to admit, it's a lot easier to take on the world, brush things off, see the positive and count my blessings, when I can go home and find solace in my personal life. A healthy relationship tends to make my life brighter and easier to handle. Unfortunately, your plate seems like it's overflowing, and you're feeling a little tapped out.. a LOT tapped out in fact. Try and tackle the things that you can actually do something about -

1. Go and see your mom - it seems like time is very precious at the moment.

2. get that promotion out of the way

3. take your meds and eat well

4. make the best of a bad situation with the lame bf until you get some of the other stuff out of the way, and until you can muster up the energy to let him have it!

I'll be back in a bit... ugh ...interuptions.

September 14, 2005
12:37 am
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depressionsucks78
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neshie~ i'm a bit younger, and am just starting to make it on my own, but i've been alone too long for my taste. i think i kinda know how you feel.(not exactly, but i can relate, at least) i'm sorry you're hurting (((((((((((((((((neshie))))))))))))))))) i really wish there was something i could do to make you happier. i just don't know how helpful i can be, because i'm having my own problems.

just know that, as you have been there for me, i too, will be there for you!!!

~ds78

September 14, 2005
12:50 am
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depressionsucks78
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i am so sorry, neshie, but i have to go for tonight, i will be back later on, and also tomorrow. keep posting and i'll try to help the best i can.

love ya

~ds78

September 14, 2005
12:50 am
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Neshema
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(((((((((Shanster)))))))))

((((((((DS))))))))))))))

First of all, you both made me cry from your words of utmost empathy. THank you. First, I will address Shaney, Yes, I will see my mother, but must finish this round of promotion first. She won't be going anywhere this week, and my stuff is due this week. So, I have to do it. I will see her by Sunday. You are so right, I feel that if I had some life outside work, I would have my mind outside work and my illness. I know when I am with my parents and nephews I feel so much better. I know it is my time for a life and companionship. I feel ready, in that I have discovered "myself" and lived my own life so long. I am prepared to share.
Yes, I feel like keeping the guy until for now, because he satifies certain emotion needs and he has never really harmed me. He is basically a gentleman, except he does get a bit wacky under work stress, although he admits it and tries to move on quickly. I don't mean to excuse it, but he has better manners than 95% of the guys I have met. It is the intimacy problem that is the main issue.

Now for DS, what you said about being there for me, as I was for you. That meant the world to me. Those of use who have been victims have a special bond, and I so wanted to help you. Knowing maybe I did just a bit means everything to me. I will continue to be there for you, hunny bunny. You have been through so much, and I know what a daze you may be in, whether you realize it or not. FOr sure, many of those around you do not realize it. It is more life altering than you realize today. A month from now, you will really get it. It doesn't matter to me that you are younger, if it doesn't matter that I am older. Hey, I look 29, and can act like a teenager! 🙂 Hugs, Neshie

September 14, 2005
1:04 am
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depressionsucks78
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((((((((neshie))))))))

i hated my teenage years, but i hate my late 20's even more, in my teens, life sucked, but it does for every teenager i know, now, because of everything that i have been through, i have the mentality of a 19 year old, but i'll be 27 on sunday. my physical health delayed my development slightly, but i have always been incredibly smart. my IQ is around 132, but i can't seem to act my age, no matter how hard i work on it.

i am glad that we are able to be there for each other, because good lord, there has to be someone i can relate to out there. hold on to all the positives and remind yourself of them frequently.

September 14, 2005
1:06 am
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depressionsucks78
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will catch up later, probably after you've all gone to bed.

much love and hugs for everyone!!!

~ds78

September 14, 2005
1:09 am
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mamacinnamon
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sleep well dep

September 14, 2005
1:39 am
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alyssa
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hello tonight, I haven't checked in for a few nights on the night crew. I'm sorry that this problem with your boyfriend is weighing on your shoulders so heavily Nesh, along with so many other stresses for you right now.

Why is it exactly that we can't or won't find happiness with what we have. and why is it so easy to tell someone else to do it when it's so hard for ones self?

This is just a thought, and maybe not a good one but i'm sharing it anyways. hope you'll forgive me, but sounds like you like to have a lot of control over what is happening in your life. In a good way, you sound like you have acomplished so much. but i just wonder if there is so much going on right now with your health, your moms health, and your boyfriends issues, not to mention the unknown about the promotion. Could not being in control of so much be causing you some anxiety? It was just a question to think about.

September 14, 2005
1:51 am
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Neshema
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Alyssa-

That is exactly right. And, when I had a serial rapist, unknown to me, as a stalker for six months, I lost more control and almost withdrew from the promotion of my dreams just to avoid more harm and gain more control. It is an issue we call refer to as existential psychology. How can someone who seems to have so much, feel like they have so little? So many of us who have accomplished what few ever will feel lonely and want to know know the big answers to to the purpose of existence. Compound that with a lack of companionship, and it just feels very meaningless sooner or later. I can't force him to love me or to be on my schedule. I can't make my mother well. I can't cure my disease and live a normal life (that I have accepted). What I can't accept is the depth of my loneliness anymore and if I lose my mom, it will only be harder.

September 14, 2005
1:54 am
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Neshema
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sadly I have experienced periods of companionship, and even my last relationship thought my loneliness had come to an end. It was wondeful, until my ACOA bf went of his meds (a psych prof..go figure!)..then, it was hell. I miss him so much. It was so beautiful for so long.

September 14, 2005
2:06 am
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mamacinnamon
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Nesh:

Ever wonder why they say it is lonely at the top? I don't know the answer, but just wondered if pondering the saying could bring some light to your situation.

You can control how far you go in life, you can control your accomplishments, you can control how you live, but you cannot control emotions totally and you cannot control other folks. Do you think the lack of being able to control makes these things seem bigger than they actually are?

Just thoughts.

September 14, 2005
2:07 am
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alyssa
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Has your ex boyfriend worked on himself and gotten back on his meds since then? I just don't know of a way to make someone love you more then they do. and it doesn't seem like it is enough for you. You've said he has issues to work on too. but for how long is that going to be used for an excuse? how long has it been used so far?

September 14, 2005
2:09 am
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Neshema
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It is, that is why my prof gf and I say we would be a lot happier working a starbucks drinking frappaccinos all day or definitely joining the peace corps. Actually, I love my job and wouldn't change my major ever. I never watch the clock and am very interested in what I do. I have to be grateful for that. I am so ready to share my life with someone else.

September 14, 2005
2:17 am
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alyssa
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It's not very funny to see on all these threads how we are all controlled by fear. We all seem to be afraid of something or another, afraid of what was, what is, or what might be.

I don't know Nesh. I'm a little down tonight too. I am a person who is always afraid. but in front of others, I am smiling and having a good time. But I never like to think about anything, the what was, the what is, and the what might be always scares me. So i seem to pretend alot. but no one really knows.

I need to find some happiness too. Most days I don' know how, and I don't like to think about it. lol.

September 14, 2005
2:34 am
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Neshema
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what r u afraid of?

September 14, 2005
2:38 am
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alyssa
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good question. I think that my whole life I have let life happen to me instead of live my life. I don't know why or anything. just how i've always been. Maybe i'm just afraid of failing and not having people like me. I just tend to avoid issues of all sorts when it comes to me.

It's probably why I admire you so much. you seem to look at what you want and try to get it. for you you just have to figure out the how part. lol

September 14, 2005
2:42 am
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Neshema
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thanks, Alyssa! I just put one foot in front of the other. Figure out the goal and keep going. I always did it that way. Decide what you want, then go for it. My problem is when I don't get what I want, it is hard to live for today.

Well, I am going to try to get some rest now..have to teach tomorrow.

Take care, and know I am thinking of you! 🙂

September 14, 2005
2:55 am
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alyssa
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Thank you Nesh. Hope your day is good. I will be talking to you again soon.

My computer is having problems tonight. It keeps kicking me offline. A whole other stress. lol.

You are so right, keep moving forward. Not backwards. keep looking ahead keep going in a positive direction, until you reach your goal or decide to change your goal. nevertheless keep moving ahead.

good-night

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