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Needtoheal...where are you?
November 7, 2006
6:17 pm
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Rasputin
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I answered your thread lately about having adventure with Mandy and Lala. Have you seen it?

Have been working very hard lately and coming back home late, too tired to turn on my pc, just dropping on my bed just like a log.

If you don't see me around, don't get upset. It's just that I am home late, have no time, saldy, for my precious friends on this lovely website.

Hope things are better and still in NC mode with xbf.

(((Need)))

November 7, 2006
6:37 pm
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needtoheal
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HI RAS---

I am so sorry... I did see on your thread that you wanted Mandy and Lala to go on an adventure...

We should do it some time, OK

I hope that you are well.. I know that you have been busy and I have missed you..

As far as NO CONTACT, with the POND SCUM (love that name Ma Strong gave him), I got to one week then caved .. and I had talked to him for an entire week and it was RIDICULOUS...

same story... loves me, needs a break or vacation from me, etc..

then the last time we spoke was this past Saturday (exactly one week since I had caved and called him)...

He had called the house and hung up.. so i called him back and I was angry (yes, the angry phase of grief is here), and I asked him if he was trying to F-*K with my head.,. He said "you know that I am not like that"... that made me more angry.. I told him that I did not like the way things have been going: needs a break/ vacation then texted me how he misses me and that I know that he loves me,... he said that he was sorry and I asked "FOR?" .. he said "for hurting YOU"... then he said that he had to go and that he would talk to me later.. Well, he never called and I did not call either..
We did not speak Sunday and then yesterday I decided to change my cell phone number... I ended it completely RAs... I have had enough.. I know that I am not a masochist....

The boys were talking to me last night during our "Feelings Wheel" session before bed. They both said that they were glad that I broke up with HIM because now their father and his girlfriend will no longer be asking them anymore questions.. so sad.. poor things...

But they do not think of this as a loss because I did keep them at a distance...

another reason why it had to end.. There was no hope.. no change...

thanks for thinking of me... I hope that all is well with you and Lala..

Mandy is getting bigger and bigger.. She is too funny.. Last week I was upstairs and she was downstairs barking.. so I went down to see what was the matter and she came to me with her water bowl in her mouth with her small dark eyes looking up at me....She is a pistol!! Keeps me occupied and loving it!!

I have conquered my fear: the fear of being alone..
I know that I am NEVER alone and that I do have wonderful friends here at this site...

thinking of you

thanks for posting

love ya,
NEED

it is Day3 of no contact...

The longest that HE has gone without contacting ME is 5 days.. so I can't get him out of my head completely.. I have to be prepared.. but I certainly have made it harder for him to reach me...

November 7, 2006
6:57 pm
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Rasputin
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well hon, don't forget that when you live together you tend to have more connection and intimacy that separation comes along all of a sudden will take its toll on you and that's why you're experiencing lots of withdrawal and addiction to him symptoms by contacting, caving in etc.

That's why I believe in celibacy b4 marriage. Having intimacy b4 marriage will always have a pricetag. That's what I told a lady in my church whom I was mininstering to when she was traumatized by the break-up between her and her bf who also comes to church. Now she has to see him every Sunday and feel the pain. LOL At least you don't need to deal with that Need.

I cut Lala's hair/fur, she has medium-length fur. So now she looks so sweet and cute. Her head appears to be bigger than b4 and that makes her look more funny than b4.

Her company makes me thrilled with joy being single for so many years now. She sleeps beside me at night in her box which I call "nest" which is cardboard box I installed by my bed. It feels just like my baby tucking her into bed.

Don't beat yourself up for caving in hon. These are the symptoms of withdrawal and relapses are quite normal part of this phase.

Glad you cancelled your cell phone.
That is a wise choice!!!

Happy to see you again sweetie and keep up the good work!!! (((Hugs)))

November 7, 2006
7:09 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks Ras...

No, we did not live together.. thank goodness... but I was having withdrawal symptoms. I do not beat myself up for caving for a week because I learned from it.. It was a test and I know that I do have power and choices.. and that is why I decided to cut the ties...
It was a process of letting go...

I read a good book called :

How to BReak Your ADDiction to a PErson by Howard Halpern, Ph.D

It was a very interesting and enlightening book for me...

I know that I did not give myself time to heal from the demise of my marriage before getting involved with POND SCUM

and now it is time for me to heal
--from my past
--heal the inner child

and start anew..

Please pray for me Ras..

thanks for talking

We do have to get Mandy and Lala together...

Pets are wonderful...

November 7, 2006
7:24 pm
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Rasputin
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(((Need))) I will most definetely keep you in my prayers.

Yes hon, it is a process. Be patient with yourself!!!

Love yourself and here is another (((Warm Hug))) from Lala & Ras to you, Madny and the kids

November 7, 2006
7:30 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks Ras--

You ALWAYS manage to put a smile on my face

thanks for keeping me in your prayers

and thanks for the warm hug

((WARM HUG)) to you & Lala

from me, Mandy and kids

November 7, 2006
8:05 pm
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Rasputin
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Good nite sweetie. I will be absent for the next 3 nites, sadly. However, I will keep you in my daily prayers and I will even be thinking about you even when I am at work.

Please keep me and my friends (the xbf & his gf who both have very co-dep unhealthy relationship) in you prayers.

Sweet dreams!!!XOXOXO

November 7, 2006
8:07 pm
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needtoheal
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SWEET DREAMS!!! XOXOXOXO

I will certainly be thinking about

you and keeping you and your friends

in my prayers...

November 7, 2006
8:15 pm
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clownface
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Need~

I posted on the N/C thread. Gosh, you took quite a step in changing your cell # and home phone. I think you really are on your way to POND SCUM NO MORE!! You go girl!

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