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needtoheal (I will heal)....any thoughts on this?
November 1, 2006
3:06 pm
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lovingmom
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I am reading how you are dealing with being alone when your kids are gone and that it's tough at times because you were used to having the ex-bf (pond-scum) around. I feel for you, I really do. I also wonder about my own marriage and what I would do if my husband was no longer around. I think I've become so resentful of all of the hurt he has caused me that I might actually be relieved to be alone. I would absolutely HATE to be separated from my kids and have used this excuse to stick around more than once, but I think being able to make my own decisions and do what I want to do when I want to do it would be so freeing and would be something I would welcome. I've done everything for him so long that I've fooled myself into believing that what he wants is what I want. I'm now coming to realize that I have wants and needs that aren't his, but are my own. My question for you is this, do you think I'm just fooling myself to think that I would be better off alone, without a man deciding everything for me? Would I come to realize that I hate being alone and want to be with him again even after all of the hurt he's caused me and all of the destruction he has caused to my spirit? Hopefully this makes sense. I just wondered what you thought since you are in the middle of this situation right now you might be able to shed some light on it for me.

Also, anyone is more than welcome to share their thoughts on this one. I value everyone's input. Thanks.

November 1, 2006
3:22 pm
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StronginHim77
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lovingmom -

My late husband of twenty years was an alcoholic who finally committed suicide. Living with him was very painful. He could be a handful of meanness when he was drunk...and he got drunk ALOT. Many a night found the kids and me, locked into their bedroom with me sleeping on the floor because the late H was drunk and raging at the world.

After he died, I felt a combination of guilt, relief and crushing loneliness. I was guilty because he killed himself. I was relieved that my tormenter was finally gone. And I was terribly lonely because I had spent twenty years of my life, built around a man and his dysfunctin. I didn't know how to be alone.

It has now been there years. I have made alot of mistakes, including a panic-driven marriage to a narcissist that lasted only 6 days (then HE started raging at me too, so I left), and a 16-month engagement to -- yet another -- alcoholic with a mental disorder. I am finally ON MY OWN for the first time in 25 years. Sometimes, it is hard. Other times, I feel good about it. It is taking major change and adjustment on my part. Some nights are harder than others, but I am changing and I am learning how to be alone, without be LONELY. In short, I am a recovering codependent.

If I can do this, anyone can do this. It isn't easy, but it sure is worth it. I am finally having some peace and even happiness flashes in my life. Never had them before. I was too beaten down by my late H and the men who followed him.

- Ma Strong

November 1, 2006
3:36 pm
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lovingmom
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Ma Strong - Thanks for your insight. I love hearing from you. I think you have so much to share and are very wise. I'm starting to think I would be better off alone. I don't even wonder about the next man that would come along. At this point another man in my life would just be plain silly. I just think that being alone would be better than what I have now. I need to find that strength that I know is inside of me somewhere. It keeps popping its head out from time to time, but most days I have to search for it. I see myself leaning more toward the alone side these days. I think that's the only way I'm truly going to be able to find my true self and live the life I want to live, and also be able to be the kind of mother my kids need me to be.

November 1, 2006
3:41 pm
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katiescarlet
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This is the same issue I am dealing with. My husband by no means ever abused me physically and he has provided well and been a decent father. However, he has been self-centered enough throughout the years to cause me to become someone I don't respect. Part of me wants to split up, but I can't help but wonder if life will really be better without him. Is mediocre better than alone. I'm hoping that through therapy and talking to other people who've been through similar circumstances, I will be able to find the answers that work best for me and I hope that all of you do too.

November 1, 2006
3:50 pm
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lovingmom
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katiescarlet - I actually responded to your other other post. Glad to hear from you. I felt a connection with you for some reason when I read what you're going through. My husband is not physically abusive either, although he has been in the past. He is a good father to our kids. As long as everything is good in his world, then he thinks everything is good!! There's never a problem unless he has the problem. If I try to approach him about something that doesn't seem right he always finds a way to make it all my fault. So, now that I've tried to tell him about my feelings and tell him I want for us to make some changes in our relationship, he just accuses me of being unhappy, not remembering all the good times, not appreciating him, etc., you get the picture, right? I've also become someone I don't respect. I don't even know the real me and haven't for a long time.

I hope that you can get to a better place and find your truth. You sound like you're ready to jump in and fix what's wrong. Maybe we can help each other along the way as we share our experiences. Many people on this site will share their stories and give advice. I hope you continue to post and ask questions. It's helped me so much to be here.

November 1, 2006
7:02 pm
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needtoheal
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Dear lovingmom & katiescarlet--

Thank you both for telling me about your experiences.. It does help to hear from others that I am not alone in dealing with this issue...

I think that Ma STrong is correct in giving us the support and advice that we need right now..

It is hard to be alone but like Ma strong said, it takes some major changes and adjustment in handling being alone and NOT to be so lonely.
I have learned recently that I need to change MY BEHAVIOR to better fit MY NEEDS..
therefore,

-- On the nights that the kids go with their father, I have scheduled myself to work. Keeps me occupied and thought clear..
--After work, I make plans with some girl friends of mine --which is also new since I was so used to spending my time with the ex-boyfriend (pond scum, is correct).
--If my girl friends are not available, believe it or not what I do is make plans with myself for when I get out of work.. This may sound so silly but I ask myself that night what would I like to do after work? and then as soon as I get out from work, I follow through with my plans... FOr example, last Friday night the kids were with their dad and I worked 6-10pm.. My girl friends were not around so I made plans with myself: to go home and take my puppy for a walk.. then go on the computer and talk with all my friends here.. then do a few loads of laundry.. then bed..
Sounds so silly but for me I had to keep reinforcing that I can make plans with myself.. instead of being triggered by thinking about pond scum and wanting to call or see him..

Like Ma said, some nights are more difficult than others. I know that I am a co-dependent. (Went from one co-dependent relationship into another co-dependent relationship)..

KatieScarlet-- I am so glad that you have also posted about your situation and feelings as well..

I feel that mediocre is NOT better than being alone.

Being alone is essential in discovering WHO we truly are and WHAT we want for OURSELVES and our family..
Sometimes I think that by hitting "ROCK-BOTTOM" causes us to reflect what our innerselves want and need.
We all have suffered so much-- our self-esteem ripped apart at the hands of men who did NOT care to have any of our interests.

They care only about THEMSELVES.

I can identify with LovingmOm because my ex husband and my ex-pond scum boyfriend care about themselves..
THey do not have the capacity to have empathy for others.
I would tell what I felt was a problem and tell what I was feeling only to get a door slammed in my face where the other would twist things around to make it MY FAULT.

For example, when I had the funeral for my father's best friend, who I considered to be an uncle, when I approached my ex-b/f about us spending some time together that night, he ended up turning off his phone because I had called and asked him about what time would he want to do something After he had some things to do.. THis was not a control issue of MINE>. I thought that it was fine that he had plans that night but when he said that we could do something after that, he got so mad for me for calling him that he twisted it all around and said that it was MY FAULT that he was unavailable for me because I was a pain in the a**...

thank you both for sharing.. I appreciate that you both took the time to post...

please keep posting, my friends.

WE can DO this... and we are never alone..
WE do have others here that can be there for us through this difficult transition....

love to all//

and Ma Strong, you are such a wonderful and wise woman. I am sorry for all the pain that you have been through over the past 25years.. You are truly an inspiration to others who are going through similar experiences.. thank you for your support, advice, and care...

NEED

November 1, 2006
7:55 pm
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lovingmom
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need - I know you said your kids were still pretty young when you and your husband separated, but how are they? How do you deal with sharing them? Is it hard for you? I know deep in my heart that my husband and I probably won't be together much longer because he refuses to admit that there is anything wrong in our relationship and won't give an inch. What really scares me is not being with my kids all of the time like I am now. I work from home and am with my daughter 24/7 and with my son any time he isn't at school. I know that us being apart will probably benefit them in the long-run because of what we're teaching them with our unhealthy relationship, but I just hate the thought of not being able to hold my kids whenever I want to. How selfish of me, I know. I'm just so attached to them.

November 1, 2006
8:12 pm
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needtoheal
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I know the feeling.. They are now 9 and the younger will be turning 7 next Friday.. They were only 3 and 14 months.. They are having difficulty with their father who is in a relationship with someone who also has two sons.. almost the same age...
As far as them adjusting to the visitation schedule, it was difficult at first. I had to color code a calendar since they were too young to read.. and my oldest son has ADD-- and a learning disability as well,... which is so difficult to cope with. But I try my best../ and we have a very open and honest relationship. THey can trust me with their feelings.. Each night we do a "FEELINGS WHEEL" ... each and every night we read and then after the lights go out we discuss what we feel that day/night and brainstorm ideas ... such as when there is a difficulty with behavior, we brainstorm and go through what is acceptable at THIS house and what is NOT acceptable at THIS house.. what the consequences for not listening are and so on...

It is so hard to not be able to have them with me ... to share a hug.. but I do call them when they are with their dad.. They are old enough to have direct communication with me.. can call me, and or answer the phone when I do call.. and I do not do what he does and "Grill them' for information about their time with him. I sinply ask them how they are feeling.. they share.,. and will tell me what is going on,.. and even if they are not open, I will just simply tell them that I was calling because I was thinking of them and that I hope they have a good night and that I love them..

November 1, 2006
8:20 pm
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lovingmom
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My son turns 12 this month and my daughter just turned 4. I know that my son would feel obligated to spend time with his dad (wouldn't want to hurt his feelings), and my daughter wouldn't have a choice. She's already learning a bit of the codependent traits that I have and always makes sure daddy is happy and worries when he's not. I pray every day that I have the strength to do all of this. I also worry a lot that he'll try to turn them against me when they are with him, but they are my precious babies and I know they love me no matter what.

It sounds like you have a healthy, loving way of dealing with things. Good for you for keeping them on track. They sound like great kids!

November 1, 2006
8:32 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks for the support...

My sons--especially my oldest-- picked up on some of the co-dependency traits.. He feels responsible for his father's feelings..and he has difficulty in talking with his father because 1-- he does not trust him emotionally and 2-- does not want his father to know how he feels about his girlfriend because if he would not be with her, he would therefore be lonely...

it is sad...

but i try the best that I can and i want them to be able to be honest and open with people that they trust their feelings with -- such as their teachers, school counselor, my parents, and me...

funny that my older son has his godmother as his teacher this year.. a difficult year because his father's girlfriend's children are in the same town and school with my sons.. and my son is also being transitioned to being mainstreamed in the classroom this year as well.. so he is lucky to have his godmother with him who understands him and knows what his needs are...

What your children will go through will be an adjustment for them./ and we have to not be afraid of the fear that their father could turn them against us... I know that this was a huge fear of mine.. and it still is today.. but I have learned that I cannot control the relationship that they have with him and they will "see" things for the truth.. It is hard, however, to see them suffer the same as I did when I was with this man....... that is the hard part because he has not changed.. he is in denial of who he truly is.. and that is reflected in the way that he treats his sons...

November 1, 2006
8:55 pm
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lovingmom
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Thanks so much for sharing with me. It helps just knowing that you're getting through it. You're stronger than you know. You're doing great. Be proud of yourself.

November 1, 2006
11:13 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks lovingmom---

I know that I am strong...

but what had been bothering me the most is the difficult feelings of breaking up with the boyfriend (pond scum).. I think that it reminds me of the breakup of my marriage.. both of these men did want to end it with me but then still hung on ... even with pond scum..
I did so well having No contact with him until I called him last saturday.. then i talked to him every day since... It is not like it used to be... he used to call me all the time-- in the morning during work, after work and before bed or when he went to bowling at night he would call me while on the way there and then after.. TOnight I talked to him after he was out of work. then he said that he would talk to me later. he did not call me before he left for bowling and I don't know if he will call later on(which will be soon)..
Last night I had called him and he answered the phone (what.. what do you want..) i asked what was the matter (he said that he wanted to rest) so I said ok and bye--and hung up on him. About two and a half hours later he called me.. but I was already sleeping and did not hear the phone.....

so as far as this situation, I do not consider myself as strong.. although I do know that I am in control...
my therapist worked with me this past Monday about the situation.. SHe did not want me to feel bad about the fact that I broke no contact with him because when I did I was very bored. and I was without the kids.. and on sunday I was in a very weakened condition from working overnight.. but there is no excuse for me calling him yesterday and today... and things have not changed in the sense that he was nasty on the phone with me by thinking about himself.. I noticed that when I have talked to him lately..

I just wish that I could accept the fact that this is a dead end relationhip and make it over-- in my head and in my actions..

As far as pond scum, well, he has changed things for the past month or more.. he has not been available for me even more than he was in the past.

I know that i have sent him such mixed messages.

When he was taking a 'vacation" as he called it. that it was better for him because we were not arguing. then after me not speaking to him (he called on the 2nd day and left a message that I did not return), he text messaged me (i responded but not with telling him anything that I felt).. athough his text message said hi beautiful and that he misses me... and when I caved and called him last Saturday after not talking to him in a week he told me that he was ok with things... then this past monday morning he told me that he does not want a relationship anymore.. and that if I do find someone and he wants to come back and its too late then it is too late and he will go on..so it is like what my ex-husband did with me too.

did not want a relationship with me but did not want to end it..

the pond scum is saying that he does not want a relationship but he still loves me and misses me ..

he was not available to meet a lot of my needs when we were together -- and now he is telling me that he still will not meet my needs by being even MORE unavailable-- and yet still loves me and misses me..

Monday night he sent me a text message to calm down that I know that he loves me....

I am trying not to fall back into the same cycle again.//

But when we were together and he was bored or had nothing to do he would cling to me like glue..
He would always call and always wanted for us to do things.
I do not think that he has a girlfriend.. that would not be my problem anyway... i doubt it that he does..

and i am sure that he would treat the next girl that he suckers in the same way..

he said something interesting last night when I was talking to him... something about how he is a horrible person... i guess he was listening to me when i used to keep telling him that whenever he would do something to hurt me he would never validate my feelings at all.. he used to tell me that i should let it go ... and that i can't let things go at all..
basically i think that what he is trying to tell me now is that i have to accept the way he acts..
that will not happen..
he really does have a personality disorder... a narcissist...

but i know that i did get over the passive-aggressive ex-husband so I know that it is possible for me to get over the pond scum...

i just have to have the willingness to act-- to let go of him completely.

she told me that he will only continue to come back if I keep calling him.

What i told my therapist was when i did let go of him and did no contact he still tried to come back -- it is the dance that we do....

thanks again for listening.....

I am trying to do no contact again,

i had a much better day today than I have in a while...

thanks for being there.

we can be supportive of each other..

i am so glad that you started this thread...
i will be thinking of you

love,
need

November 1, 2006
11:39 pm
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clownface
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Oh Need!

We are such similar creatures, it's scary! I broke NC and am entering into the dance once again. I so struggle with the thought of living without him.

I think one of the tests, ladies/gents, is to think about what life is like WITHOUT any companionship in your life. Secondly, how would you feel when you see your ex with another woman/man? It will crush me when that happens.

So my message to Lovingmon is, yes, if you feel your life would be better alone, then do it. But speaking only for myself, I am as lonely as can be and basically miserable. If I could go back and 're-do' my decision to separate, I probably would.

Clown:-(

November 2, 2006
8:14 am
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Simondo3573
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Clownface and needtoheal I'm right here with you. Broke my N/C and am hurting. I too am dreading seeing my wife with the new guy. My head feels like its got a huge rock in it. woke early did everthing I can round the house, never been so on top of work everything done, everything posted. Its a fantastic day I know she will be enjoying. I let myself sit in agony wishing we were sharing it together. Even after I know what an awfull relationship it could be I still hurt and just wish she would bring her sunshine here for me. Such is life, I am having such a hard time accepting things the way are. She is gone and I'm on my own. Oww

November 2, 2006
8:52 am
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needtoheal
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lovingmom--

it was so good to talk with you last night.. unfortunately afterwards i had a set back and it is posted on the no contact thread.. i let it all out about my past... but i am feeling better today so maybe that is the connection that i needed to get out.

have to start all over again with no contact... day 1 small steps

a day at a time

this really hurts........

but i am doing the best that I can

thanks for listening

simondo-- try to do something for yourself today other than going to see your therapist...

take care and thanks for keeping me in your thoughts....

love,
need

November 2, 2006
8:54 am
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trying to find my giggle
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This is the first time I have viewed this website and I am so gratefull to find people in the same situation. I feel I should be gratefull for my life . I live in a huge house ,in good area , want for nothing financially, but emotionally I have felt alone with my husband for years . However I have always felt it is my fault and I should be grateful for having so much when others struggle. My husband has never been really involved with the children , is not physically abusive but does speak to me in a appalling way. He is a work aholic, has no friends , does not like me to see my friends and seems to resent me having a life. I am intelligent , was a career person but now feel so crap. Low self esteem, scared all the time to make decisions etc . I am also scared of being on my own with the children and what it would do to them . I am fed up running around pleasing everyone else and not believing I deserve a life. BUt can wee change is there life out there will I ever find my giggle again. ANyway thank you for letting me go on. Good luck everyone.

November 2, 2006
9:10 am
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lovingmom
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Need - From an outsiders perspective it sounds like he is playing you and keeping you hanging on so that when it's convenient for him, you'll be there - I know you probably know this already. I've alwyas felt like my husband has done that to some extent in our marriage. He does what he wants when he wants and when it's convenient for him, I'm included. If I complain that I feel left out or that he should have come home earlier if he stays out all night with "friends" he tells me to stop nagging and says he feels like I don't trust him (to turn it around on me and take any blame off himself).

Please don't keep hanging on if you don't WANT to. You deserve so much better. You have got to see that. You said it yourself, he is unavailable to you. I'm sure he does miss you and does love you (in his own distorted way), but he's not showing or giving the love in the way you NEED him to. I'm so not in a position to be giving relationship advice, I'm just telling you what I see when I read your posts. Don't allow him to treat you in a way you wouldn't treat him. Does that make sense? Now I'm preaching to you what I should be preaching to myself.

clownface - I have tried to put myself in that position of being alone and I can only see myself growing and my spirit healing. I feel so disconnected from everything right now. My husband turns his emotions on and of like a light switch. I never know who I'll face each day, the sweet, romantic guy, the grumpy, silent guy, the angry, yelling guy, who knows. In the past, before all of these feelings started surfacing and before I realized just how unhealthy our relationship is, if I would picture him with another woman it would tear me up inside and it would scare me. Today as I sit here and wonder how I would feel if I saw him with someone else, it doesn't really spark any emotion at all. I may just be fooling myself because of some of the resentment I'm holding onto, but it really doesn't bother me to think of him with another woman.

Simondo - I've never been in your position, so I can't really give you any advice, but I can say that I believe someone, some day will come along who will touch your heart more than she ever did and you'll be glad you were in the place you were in. I wish this for you and I hope you can find peace in youself until that "one" comes along.

November 2, 2006
9:10 am
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needtoheal
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tryingtofind----

you are welcome... it is good for us to share our thoughts and feelings with others that have been going through similar experiences..

thanks for posting...

post anytime, ok

and welcome

November 2, 2006
9:17 am
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lovingmom
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Need - I posted before I read your post from this morning. I will go and read the other thread. Stay strong. Keep you head up today.

trying to find my giggle - Love that name. When I first came here and first started posting things about the way my marriage is and how badly I am treated, I never failed to say, "I should be so grateful. I have beautiful children, a nice place to live and my husband doesn't physically abuse me." Well, I am grateful for those things, but that doesn't make the rest of the abuse (verbal/emotional) any better. I hope you'll keep posting here and keep searching for peace. It is really hard to live a life like that. There are a lot of people on this site who can give wonderful advice, thoughts and opinions. You have done the right thing by starting here.

November 2, 2006
9:40 am
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needtoheal
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thanks lovingmom--- for all your kind words and support...

Day 1

I know that he is unavailable but not letting go for his own convenience... that is why i felt so strong last week when i was NOT there..

and he is still mad that he texted me after not speaking to me for 5 days... 5 days was a long time for him not to talk with me...

he sounded so mad last night about not speaking to me for "so long" and how i text him with a control issue.

thanks again for everything.

have to go to work... keeps me busy
and occupied while the kids are in school

love to all..

NEED

and thanks because by having you with me helps me to feel strong!! i know that I am the only one who can control myself ,, but having you post here helps to remind me that i am not alone....

thanks for giving me some strength

November 2, 2006
11:16 am
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lovingmom
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Need - I am here, and thank you too. You can do this. You'll be fine. Just concentrate on YOU, not him. Have a SUPER day!

November 2, 2006
2:47 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks lovingmom--- for being here for me .. I am also here for you as well..

I did have a good day at work although a friend of mine did make a comment that I am not the same anymore and wanted to know what was going on... did not say much other than i have a lot to deal with right now..

just posted on the no contact thread about how i feel betrayed by my parents.. how i still do not understand why my father was so passive.. but those answers may never be revealed..

I still cannot believe that I have survived so much. I did not have a choice to being a victim and I was powerless in both of these traumatic experiences.

That is why I know that I am no longer powerless over the situation with pond scum.. I can make the choice of whether or not talking to him is wise.. And i know that I do feel better when I do not talk to him at all....

thanks for reading and listening and I am so grateful for all of your thoughts, insight, advice and support...

I appreciate it,,

love
need

November 3, 2006
1:42 pm
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lovingmom
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Need - You know, after I read your posts on "No contact..." I feel so bad for all that you've had to go through in your life. Nothing traumatic ever happened to me when I was younger, so I can't say I know how you feel, but I do care and hope that you can heal from all of this and make your life the best it can be in the future. I know you're working on it all. Just keep having faith in yourself and keep working on you. You'll get there. I was glad to hear that you had a good night at work.

No, we may never know all of the answers to why our parents were they way they were and why we ended up the way we are. We just have to keep moving forward and do our best to teach our kids a BETTER way of living, treating others, being treated and all of those things we wish were taught to us. Just yesterday my son told me that there is a girl at school (6th grade) that likes him and wants to go out with him (which is really nothing more than saying they are boyfriend and girlfriend, in most cases). Anyway, I reminded him that he needs to treat her with a ton of respect and kindness. I reminded him of how it hurts to be treated badly by someone you think cares for you (meaning his dad). I hope some of it sunk in and he agreed and said that's why she likes him, because he always treats her really good. I think he'll probably be the one to get his heart broken because he's so sweet (not innocent by any means, just really sweet).

My husband is in "poor me" mode again and I can't get him to open up. I keep taking responsibility for his feelings because that's what I've always done. I just can't seem to detach like I want to. Despite this, he told me yesterday that I've been "distant" for months now and he just doesn't know why. (AHHHHH - Frustration!!)

Hope you're having a good day. Keep yourself busy, like you said, and you'll do just fine this weekend.

November 3, 2006
2:25 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks lovingmom for your support..

I can relate to what you are feeling

in regards to your husband feeling

sorry for himself. My ex-husband was

the same way...

He NEVER opened up.. HE let it all pent up .. and he is passive-aggressive so the more that he did NOT open up, the more it bothered me and he KNEW that it did...

He has NOT changed.. even after our divorce..

He is still in DENIAL about a lot of things ... because he is incapable of seeing himself..therefore, that is why he BLAMES others ..

As far as the ex-b/f he is in DENIAL about himself as well.. HE also wears a mask.. He may not do the same behavior (such as smoking pot) but he has NOT recovered or taken the steps to recovery which is so important... HE is not MY PROBLEM anymore and detachment is the key...

My divorce is positive in that regard. NOw whatever their father chooses to do, is HIS problem that he must deal with. I do not interfere unless it is absolutely necessary and I do it with caution knowing that the BLAME will only come back at me....
FOr example, when their father took the kids words that I was home the night of Halloween, and he told me that he had left them but came back after I called his cell phone, I told him that he should NEVER take their word for it that I am home. It is HIS RESPONSIBILITY to make sure that they are safely home... just as much as it is MINE to notify him if I am late...and I did..

thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and I will be thinking of you as well....

November 3, 2006
11:58 pm
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lovingmom
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Maybe I should have started a new thread for this, but I wasn't sure what to call it...I'm just so irritated and had to get away from my husband and this is where I decided to turn.

I went to my favorite pizza restaurant today and bought some dough from them and then went to the grocery store and bought all the toppings we love. This was because three of my nieces planned to stay the night and I wanted to make it fun for my daughter and for them. I let them roll out the dough, put on their own toppings and then we baked the pizzas. They had a ball and the night was going so good.

My husband was here and was doing really good, not bullying, not being the child he normally is and then all of a sudden, like a light switch, his mood changed and it was like a totally different person was sitting there in the kitchen with me. The girls were done with their pizza and had gone upstairs to watch a movie. When it was just us two I guess he decided he would turn on his crappy attitude. It's almost like he thinks I don't deserve to be treated well. He kept saying things like, "pretty soon you won't have to deal with me any more", and "maybe I should have gone out tonight so you don't have to deal with me". I talked to my sister on the phone (the one whose two girls are staying the night) and when I got off the phone he accused me of being nicer to her than I am to him. His sister also called (mother of the third niece staying over) and he said "what the hell did she want?" and didn't even care to hear what she had to say, just wanted a reason to yell I guess. I don't know what to say any more. I know this is just rambling and probably sounds like nonsense. I can't make sense of it myself. I just needed to get it out. Thanks for listening to whoever had the time to read this. I just wish I could scream!!

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