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needtoheal...how are you?
November 17, 2006
2:20 pm
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lovingmom
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Hi there,

I haven't checked in for quite a while, so I just thought I'd ask about you and see how things are going. Hope all is well.

lovingmom

November 17, 2006
2:37 pm
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ggfred4
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don't mean to interrupt, lovingmom, but do know that need is sick today and may not be checking in much...just wanted you to know, okay!!! She wrote me on another thread earlier and was going to bed...she may be back though after resting...

November 17, 2006
2:51 pm
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lovingmom
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Thanks gg, you weren't interrupting. I just think about her a lot (all of you, really) and wanted to check.

November 17, 2006
6:10 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks LL for thinking of me.. I am feeling really rotten-- like a rotten peach.. I posted over on the sister thread.. i will chat with you there.. i cried LL when I read this because you were thinking of me...thanks

November 18, 2006
6:51 am
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dereka
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need to heal why you feel rotten? 🙁

November 18, 2006
7:12 am
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needtoheal
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I am very sick.. aches and pains.. cannot get out of bed..

how are you?

November 18, 2006
10:33 am
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lovingmom
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need - It was actually me, lovingmom, asking about you. Sorry for the confusion.

November 18, 2006
10:36 am
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needtoheal
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LL-- no I do not think I was confused.. dereka sent a message also about why am I sick..

November 18, 2006
10:38 am
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lovingmom
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I just thought maybe you confused me with LL since you called me LL and I don't normally post on the sister thread. Hope you're feeling better.

November 18, 2006
10:44 am
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needtoheal
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LOVINGMOM---

OOPS!! i just went to the beginning of the thread and I am so sorry that I did get you confused with LL...

thanks for thinking of me..

I know that you have been away or needed some time off

how are you??

November 18, 2006
3:53 pm
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lovingmom
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I'm ok, just haning in there at this point. Still very confused at times, not sure what's going to happen.

November 18, 2006
4:04 pm
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needtoheal
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what are you so confused about? what is on your mind?

November 18, 2006
6:18 pm
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lovingmom
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I went to my first Al-Anon meeting today. I went against my h's wishes. He totally treated me like crap after I told him I was going. He has treated me like crap all day. I'm back in the "maybe he's right" mode. Maybe things aren't that bad. Maybe I should just be happy he doesn't beat me. Maybe I should stop looking for answers to all of these tough questions I've been asking myself lately. I'm just tired of fighting. He says he lost his best friend (meaning me) since all of this started (me in counseling, addressing our issues, asking for help in making this work) and he has no one to turn to. He just wants his "best friend" back. Meaning the one who took all the crap, gave all she had and didn't bat an eye. Just frustrated. Thanks for asking. I had decided I would stop posting for a while because I felt as though I was using all my energy on him and trying to figure all of this out. I had to come back. I missed this place a lot. Thanks for listening.

November 18, 2006
6:18 pm
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lovingmom
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And how are things with you, besides being sick?

November 18, 2006
6:26 pm
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needtoheal
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alright.. thanks for posting. I have missed you and have been keeping you in my thoughts every day.. I think what you did as far as needing some time off from here was courageous and should not be looked down upon.. sometimes we all need a break from things...

It is so hard to let go or detach when you are living with someone-- especially someone who wants his "friend" back.. meaning exactly what you said--- the person that took all the crap, gave all she had, and did not bat an eye....

I am doing alright.. detaching from the ex-boyfriend.. don't know if I told you this already (so sorry if I am repeating) but I changed my cell phone number so that I would no longer have contact with him..
I have had contact with him since then but I feel good and not so miserable or weepy.. thanks for asking and so sorry about that mix-up..

How often do you go to the counselor? does he go at all?

November 18, 2006
6:37 pm
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lovingmom
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I go once a week (unless I don't have a sitter). He refuses to go. Doesn't "believe in it".

I had read that you changed the cell number and that took guts, I think. Good to hear you are doing good. Don't worry about the mix-up. You hadn't heard from me in a while and just saw "loving", so no harm done.

I feel so guilty. He has a way of making me just turn into a puddle of goo when he turns on his "poor me" attitude and tells me he has no one. He's coming home this evening after being out of town a couple of days. It will be horrible. I'll try to be loving and caring, he'll be cold and have his guard up. Then he'll start drinking and really let me have it (the guilt, the harsh words). It's been this way forever. I thought I was getting somewhere and now I just feel like - I don't know any more. I feel stuck back in that rut I was in for so long. I'm so sad.

November 18, 2006
6:45 pm
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needtoheal
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I am proud of you for going to see your counselor.. Unfortunately, it is so difficult to work on issues in your marriage when he is unwilling to go and is unable to "see" his behavior and how his behavior has contributed to the problems...

It has been easier for me because I did not live with the b/f and I have not seen him in over a month.. and I can always turn off the phone as well..

It is so difficult and I understand how you feel and the pain... After my ex-husband left, he still came here every day to spend time with the kids..they were young.. but he did not want to have anything to do with me.. I felt like a doormat because I would always wash his clothes, fix dinner, talk to him about our relationship.. and he would not acknowledge my feelings at all...

Then I detached.. it was a process but I managed to get through it.. just like I am trying so hard to detach from the b/f... it is much easier because he does not live here..

I am sending you a huge hug

and please know that I do care and I am always willing to be here for you...(((lovingmom)))

Did you feel comfortable at the Al-Anon meeting?

November 18, 2006
6:48 pm
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needtoheal
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often we do feel like we are stuck in a rut because there is no moving forward with the other person.. and we are willing to move forward.. you have done this lovingmom.. you have reached out by going to therapy and going to Al-Anon.. this is something that is positive for yourself.. I am so proud of you!!

November 18, 2006
6:49 pm
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lovingmom
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Thanks need, feels good just to get it out. Thanks for your input too. It all helps.

I did feel comfortable at the meeting. I felt very welcomed and I just listened and took it all in. I hope I can make it next week too. I really think I'll have a fight on my hands because h doesn't agree with it at all, but I'll do my best to get there.

Thanks for your time today. I appreciate you. I know I've got a long road ahead. Hopefully I can get to that "happy place" some day. Oh, and thanks for the hug. I'm sending one your way too.

I have to get off of here for now, but I'll check in again really soon. Thanks.

November 18, 2006
6:51 pm
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needtoheal
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I know all too well about the feeling of impending doom because he is going to be home again and will be back to his ways --like you mentioned--the guilt, the harsh words, the drinking... When there is change in a person there is always a reaction from the other person.. He wants it to be the way that he was used to.. and you are not willing to be in that same spot..good for you, lovingmom...

November 18, 2006
6:52 pm
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needtoheal
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Lovingmom--- I appreciate you !!!

I am glad that you have felt comfortable in sharing ...

I will be thinking of you and having you in my prayers...

November 19, 2006
11:00 am
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needtoheal
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lovingmom---

hope you are well today.

I wrote something to you on

the thread dangling the carrot

It is ONE Day at a TIME

were you able to get that book at Al-Anon??

I would also like to pick it up to read

Maybe we can do something like that

together??? I am so glad that you posted to me... I really appreciate having you in my life Lovingmom...

stay strong...you are making healthy connections with the therapist and going to al-anon...

thinking of you

November 19, 2006
12:40 pm
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lovingmom
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Need - Thank you so much for thinking of me. I didn't get the book yet, but if I make it next Saturday to the meeting I will. It would be great to read it together and share our thoughts. Any support I can get is just awesome. I read dangling the carrot. It was wonderful.

After my last post yesterday my husband got home and he was still in his poor me mode. I tried and tried to get him to put his guard down. I made dinner like normal, played with my daughter, tried to include h in everything and he was just too busy pouting to enjoy his family. I may have mentioned this already, but he is so hurt with me for going to the Al-Anon meeting. He thinks it's a place to meet new people and he has it in his mind that I'm looking for someone else. This to me is ridiculous. He even compared it to a bad time we had back when I was 6 months pregnant with our daughter (the 4-year-old). He met this girl at a bar on one of his Friday nights out. Apparently they made a connection, swapped phone numbers and became "friends". I've never told my husband who he can be friends with and I'm not a jealous person, but this was a little different. He kept it a secret and lied about it when I questioned him. He finally admitted they were friends, but made it seem like she was bugging him all of the time, calling him and wouldn't leave him alone. I knew better. It was awful to go through, and especially while pregnant and sitting at home feeling fat and unwanted. I didn't handle it right. I let him make me feel guilty for getting upset about it. I now know that if I knew then what I know now I probably would have left, pregnant or not. There are MANY things like that, that have happened in our marriage. But anyway, he says that he ended their friendship because I didn't agree and that if he doesn't agree with me going to Al-Anon it's the same situation and I shouldn't go. What do you think about that? Pretty silly. He just doesn't want me to change, bottom line. He hates the changes he's seen so far and hates to think of what's to come. The way his brain works, he thinks I'm out looking for a "better man". Yeah, right!!

Hey, sorry that was so long. I just got on a roll and couldn't stop. Just thought I'd share and ask what you thought of that. Anyone's thoughts are greatly appreciated.

Hope you are well today, need. Body aches gone? Those are the worst. Thanks again for thinking of me. You're so special and kind.

November 19, 2006
1:02 pm
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needtoheal
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lovingmom--
He had been out swapping phone numbers with another woman while you were home pregnant.. and he ended it because YOU did not agree.. so now he thinks that you are going to al-anon to find a man and you should stop going because HE does not agree..? I agree with you lovingmom.. He does not want you to change.. he is uncomfortable with the changes that you have made and you are taking great strides in taking care of yourself.. that is admirable.. Of course we can all look back and say to ourselves IF we only knew what we know NOW.. but what is important is that you DO KNOW NOW that you have the right to make changes for yourself... I understand that this is difficult for you... I hope that you can discuss this with your counselor..
I have from the book The Language of Letting Go Daily Meditations for Codependents by Melody Beattie.. I am going to post some of the meditations here for you later.. I hope they can help.. I admire you..

thanks for reading dangling the carrot.. The body aches have gone away this morning.. and the aches within my heart are diminishing..

The one thing that I did learn while being involved with the ex b/f who was a habitual every day marijuana user for ten years.. and stopped when he met me.. You cannot change someone.. and although he is a former drug addict, he did not make the changes in recovery.. He will continue to use and abuse whatever person or substance that he seeks..

I am thinking about you.. and do not ever apologize for the length of your posts... I am here to support you and I do understand...

((((Lovingmom))))

I will post the meditations in a little while...

November 19, 2006
2:28 pm
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StronginHim77
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Lovingmom -

Always be prepared for STRONG resistance from your substance-abusing spouse when you begin taking steps to help yourself. Definitely keep going to Al-Anon. My late husband was an alcoholic and he got angry when I started going. It made him feel guilty, scared and was a public acknowledgment that I was living with an alcoholic. Since most of them are very shame-based, our going to Al-Anon, or seeing a counselor for support in helping ourselves, really rattles their cages.

He is not willing to change or get help. But don't let him -- or anyone else -- stop you from getting help for yourself. Keep going to Al-Anon. Keep going to counseling. Don't stop, no matter what he says.

You will get healthier and stronger with each step you take. That is very threatening to him and he is going to pull out "all the stops" to get you browbeaten back down to where you used to be: taking his abuse and tolerating his alcoholism, moodiness, self-centeredness, emotional unavailability, etc.

SAVE YOURSELF.

(( I think that is beoming my motto.))

- Ma Strong

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