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Needing to talk
June 22, 2009
2:46 pm
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bumpingalong
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I've recently heard the word co-dependency and came to this discussion page, I fit many of the "signs" and would like conversation to find my way.

So how you get started with this I don't know but I will tell you some recent (relatively,)things. I was widowed now 5 years ago at 42 with several issues at hand when he died. Struggled through and found my way to about 15 months ago when I met a man through a dating website. We live 50 miles apart and I have 2 sons still at home, so we talk daily on the phone. I only had a few dates prior to meeting him. We have had good times a lot but also these moment that are just devastating to me. As I write this I will say and realize what I am writing fits codendency, but in the end I want to findif my growth in independance will help the whole situation. (Wish there was a spell check.)
So, most recently my friend has had some explosive responses to what I would typically let roll off my shoulders and he has "sent me home" vs rationalizing and resolving. The most recent one was my fault, I said something, which he asked me not too and I didn't realize how much of my simplistic manner of thought, intruded on his preplanned thoughts. What I did was I told his friends we were probably leaving early from our location, he was a bit mad at these friends and I didn't recognize he hads an alter motive to "leave" since he had been blown off by them more recently. Hope your following because I am walking around all sorts of nouns that would identify me or him.)Anyway, this man, divorced 6 years ago, just coming out of final child support payments, on edge about his ex pursuing another legal battle for additional college money, very strong, independent dominent personality, always right and has high blood pressure, anxiety issues... well he just went ballistic about me giving away his plans and started yelling in the car while in traffic, (I was driving,) we drove for awhile the traffic got bad again, and he got heated again, and I finally pulled off the road, only to put us into a worse side road traffic jamb, plus I finally started yelling at him (hadn't in 15 months but the temper finally did it, and I had always warned him he'd never seen me mad.) I pulled the car into a lot, slammed it into park and got out, relizing I really screwed up by doing this move and became scared sh--less (issue with late husband.) He yelled I got back into the car but he was now driving, we got to the first corner and he was just railing about how stupid and how selfish, and I was jepordizing him by my stupid antics, "this is killing him, traffic, what I did, why couldn't I shut up...). Then I jumped out again at the light and started walking, only to get back into the car and just hear the same previously mentioned for the next 45 minutes till we got to his place. He was so furious that he went in the house grabbed most of my things, and said he would call the cops if I got out of the car. That was the evening of the 17th.
Now during these 15 month if he has had any other "moments" where he wanted me to leave, needs his space, if he got upset at all, he would usually call within an hour and ask if I was okay, even though I was typically crying while driving home, I would say what I thought, he would typically respond with a "hmmpf" and we would see each other again in a matter of days, and he would call that night and for sure every evening.
This more recent episode he didn't call, Thursday I had a preplanned day away from work and hardly moved or ate, I knew what I did was wrong but he wouldn't accept my apology in the car. Friday he didn't call and I went to work but struggled through again not eating much. Saturday, I finally called in the morning, ( I know this man would prefer not to be first to call if not his fault, so he didn't answer, I left a message, said "it's me, just wanted to say hi, and again I 'm sorry, hope you'll call me, bye." Later Saturday, I wanted to keep busy, so I went on a ride for about 30 miles (mtorcycle,) then got one of my two boys and we worked in the yard. During this time I got a call "I am doing you a favor by calling you back, don't call me for awhile, nothing" then paused, I said okay and sorry and he hung up. My first thought, is "okay, at least he talked to me."
So I get through Saturday, now forcing my self to eat something becuase over the episode I lost 8 pounds and my stomach was begining to fold me in half. Sunday, I had things to do with my other son that kept me busy in the morning, and once that was over, I was hanging out with twin 2 and my phone rang, it was him! I couldn't believe it.
He spoke briefly, stiffled and asked what else I had said to his friend, then asked me what I was doing and wanted me to come over. I said okay and grabbed work clothes for today and headed out on the 50 mile drive to his place. I got there and he was speculative, and said I am walking on a thin rope, we talked very little about what happened and he said to forget about it, we had a nice dinner, watched a movie, tried to get a kiss and he gave me a peck, said again, "thin line." Later he laid down before I did, (tyical,) I laughed because he wasn't under the sheets, just the blanket and ran and jumped up on him, kissed him, he smiled a lot, told me to wake him up to fix the bed when I came in.
He actually only slept for about 30 minutes and came in while I was washing up some dishes, he clamored about me banging more pots together, but it was in good humor, we went to bed together, but he said "off limits" which I was disappointed about not spooning, but glad to just be back in his bed. Then quickly he added it was too hot, and it was, he was up and down a few more times during the night (typical,) but fussing with the a/c or having the window open. This morning, he got up to turn on the weather channel, watched a moment then actually came back to bed and snuggled up behind me. I was afraid to move, but this was so unusual for him to come back to bed. We laid there for about 15 minutes then he said he needed to get going for work, I always sleep about another hour, he came in and gave me a wonderful kiss bye and I hope he calls me tonight.
So, my delima is that I would like to be able to not "wait" for these phone calls, to figure out how to be busy and productive so that, I am not "waiting" for him and I have a life outside of him. I told him some time ago that I want a companion, I don't want to be married again. He thinks I want more than that, and I tell him that I can't do any more than that because I have a life tied to the past that still needs more time. I've told him I do want to live with someone again even if there are two homes but that I don't see that for a couple to few years.
I like this man a lot but I don't know about handling any more episodes and there are really no signs to know they might happen. It may just be something I say.
I right this and know I am co-pendent on him for human contact, sex, smiles, even handle a lot of his sarcasim with willingness to please. I believe I recognize that I need to be independant of him and I am a sucessful business person, but don't know if I should continue the relatinship or just try to be more independant and see how much longer our relationship will go. I don't believe that I know this person in respect to how he is driven, and I find my fault in the whole mess a few days ago, I mean, 15 months is a long time, but it's really not, compared to a marriage of 17 years and 5 kids. I have to walk away enough that I can survive without him and not be devasted if he would ever break up with me, and this past episode I thought that's what was happenning.
Sorry for such a long post, but I need to get this out of my head.
Take care,
BummpingAlong

June 23, 2009
9:06 am
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sunshine88
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hugs

June 23, 2009
9:44 am
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bumpingalong
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Got through yesterday, he called at his normal time in the evening.

I think I have to look at my relationship as a toy on a shelf where when he wants me or needs me I have to know if that's okay with me.

Is that ok? I think so, just need to be able to think of other stuff when I'm not around him and how to get use to it.

June 23, 2009
10:18 am
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Lanigirl
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Hi Bumping,

You ask if this is ok. I believe you are searching for that answer but I think you know it.

I'm so glad you're involved with your kids. I wonder what you would say to them if some day they told you that they were in a similar situation.

Glad you're posting.

June 23, 2009
10:35 am
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atalose
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{{I think I have to look at my relationship as a toy on a shelf where when he wants me or needs me I have to know if that's okay with me.}}

As a codependent of course that is going to be ok with you. Being willing and available on his terms, on his whims and his convenience will always be acceptable terms for codependents.

So this very strong, independent dominant personality, always right and has high blood pressure, anxiety issues and explosive responses who keeps you jumping on his terms, is this the man of your dreams, is this the kind of relationship you want?
Or are you hoping by investing more of your time he is going to change or the relationship will change some where down the road?

With the traffic incident this man showed you exactly who he is, how he is and what’s to be expected, can you live with that?

And why do you feel you need to take all the blame for the entire situation, don’t you see how his OVER reaction was un-called for no matter what your part in it was, his reaction was over the top. Maybe it’s an inside view of why his marriage failed.

So if you want to remain a toy on a shelf for him to take down when he feels like it, send you home when feels like it then continue on with your codependent relationship because he’s not going to change he is who he is and he knows exactly what he can get away with, with you. IF you can’t accept that and all he brings with him then you don’t have any business being in a relationship with him.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 23, 2009
1:54 pm
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Zebra
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Bumpingalong,

Well my suggestion is that he showed you his true colors and they are not very appealing. Do you really want to be with him and his toy on a shelf? Do you really want to controled and walking on egg shells because you don't know how he will react?

I think you should find yourself worth and you should move out and on.

Love, Z

June 23, 2009
2:38 pm
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bumpingalong
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I am at a point where I don't want to leave, but I want to step back and not "wait." Unhappily as a might add, with the psychological viewpoint of if he doesn't find me available will he realize I may be gone, because I know he doesn't want that.

Everyone's comment I hear is the same, he won't change and move on, even the men I mentioned this situation to say "I deserve more" which I don't know what that means since I think we're all put here for life experience, not for what we deserve, because who says but ourself what we actually deserve.

I look at the post on the thread {{Stop settling for less in a relationship}} and I read parallel thoughts on situations.

I see myself as somewhat of an "adjuster" avoiding the discussion of the "addiction" (be it mental,)in hopes that it will disappear. Maybe in the long run it won't but if I try to lift myself up and be brave enough to step back would you give the person that consideration?

Alos, I'd love to hear any guys comments if you know some that would read and post through coffeehouse; and also, can any of you tell me what type of coda trait you think you have and why?

June 23, 2009
2:56 pm
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Anam Cara
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bumpingalong - you say you have had 15 months.
I had 15 years with someone like him - of course we all feel sorry for him for he suffers in his own way. Get out - get out! see the light of day. abusers after abuse want to say sorry so they can set you up again and control you. I have a crop of things to say about this situation but words take time - clear yourself from this pesky pest.

June 23, 2009
4:10 pm
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atalose
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{{I am at a point where I don't want to leave, but I want to step back and not "wait." Unhappily as a might add, with the psychological viewpoint of if he doesn't find me available will he realize I may be gone, because I know he doesn't want that.}}

You don’t want to leave but you do want to step back and not wait????? Not wait for what? And I’m not understanding the psychological viewpoint here, will he realize you are gone? It sounds to me like you are desperately afraid to back off at all in this relationship.

{{Everyone's comment I hear is the same, he won't change and move on, even the men I mentioned this situation to say "I deserve more" which I don't know what that means since I think we're all put here for life experience, not for what we deserve, because who says but ourself what we actually deserve. }}
If it walks like a duck and it talks like a duck and everyone is saying it’s a duck, chances are it’s really a duck!!!

I feel bad that you don’t know what deserving more means let alone being able to feel you do deserve more. I hope that someday with some self love recovery you will understand what EVERYONE is trying to tell you.
{{ I see myself as somewhat of an "adjuster" avoiding the discussion of the "addiction" (be it mental,)in hopes that it will disappear.}}

That is nothing more then denial.

I’m also wondering why or what your thinking is in wanting a guys perspective on your situation? Haven’t you already said that the men you already mentioned this to basically told you the same thing everyone is trying to tell you?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 23, 2009
4:36 pm
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Lanigirl
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AC-

Good stuff. Lightbulb moment for me. I've heard those heartfelt sorries and dramatic goodbyes so many times. It is a set up. It plays on codep. traits perfectly.

Thanks.

June 23, 2009
4:55 pm
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bumpingalong
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Amazinng, thank you for responses. as I said in my initial note I will write and know I am making co-dep responses, it's just amazing to see them pointed out back to me...it's very helpful. I am turning off the phone upon departure here from work today. We'll see how it goes, the worse part about this, is I believe my addiction to this man is sex. Go find a dildo, eh?
Sorry.
Thank you, I'm in meetings tomorrow so we'll see how it goes. Night for now.

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