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needing high blood pressure med
May 30, 2006
11:33 pm
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I've been trying without success to calm down and not get so stressed out, but it's just started to go over the top, and I'm going to give in to taking a blood pressure med. I'm afraid to wait any longer.

I haven't worked since I went through cancer treatment 4 yrs ago. My H and sons have a family business, which over the last yr just has not been making enough money. Our sons have other income sources, so have pretty much been working hard but not taking any money.

I pay bills, but I absolutely do not spend money. My h, however, just IS THE ONE who has spent money like all the money was his and he deserved to do so and has exhibited NO remorse or wrongdoing. And this morning I learned that our sons are so tired of their Dad's behavior they just want to get free of him.

However they can do it, I think they deserve to make or break a partnership on their own. I feel so ashamed for what their Dad has done. He's always been a decent bread-winner, but we were always rich or poor so it was always uneasy.

A few years back, He took alot of money and dumped it into an expensive project and we ended up finally losing our house and another property. But we never declared bancruptcy. We paid off all our debts, and managed to start up again. Then he kind of promised some blue sky to get our sons to join him in business, and they were pretty excited and happy till the profits slid last year.

All the yrs I worked, any money I ever got, went right into the same pot.

I realize it takes hard work and perserverence, but it is now next to impossible to salvage what's been done. My H ...... just tried to dump all the responsibility on our sons and give himself an easy ride.

Right now I have trouble being around him without getting angry.

I see how depressed my H is, and how the alcoholic cycles I've seen before are back in full swing. Only this time I feel like we're too old to have to start over at something new and I'm loathe to go through the embarassment of driving a ratty old car again. I am so angry at him. But right now I don't much like him and none of us feel like we can trust him any more.

Why did he behave so selfishly with his own family? It seems to me like there was a family history in his family of using money to extend and withdraw love and approval. We've been through so much together and we have really really caring and thoughtful kids. I just feel so much anger towards him in having always backed him up and all he's done is use his own kids.

May 30, 2006
11:46 pm
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bump

May 30, 2006
11:49 pm
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Randomwomen2
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im so sorry your going through that sweetheart. How old are your children?

May 31, 2006
2:13 am
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Close to 30.

They have worked hard. Whatever they have that is rightfully theirs could get repossesed because it was a partnership. And so not their fault.......I am sooooo disgusted at how my husband used up their youth and gullibility. He just looks evil to me now.

All the Narcissistic Personality Disorder traits my husband has got.

Lack of empathy.

But he listens and says the right words and makes you think he is empathatic. I've spent my whole married life making excuses for the way he behaves, and trying to understand how he can act like he says and still claim to love. NOBODY deliberately goes and bankrupts the whole family and call themselves a loving parent.

June 1, 2006
7:38 pm
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Wow, 2 days later and only one response to my woes here ........ why is that?

my trip to the clinic to begin blood pressure meds ended up with my doctor sending me to ER and then being kept overnight till this afternoon, monitoring my heart. I'm OK. It wasn't a heart attack, but there is a problem with the aorta valve, which is overworked. That accounts for getting so much fatigue and dizziness, etc. So, I guess I am lucky. I am starting more meds. My family was very caring and loving, but I feel like I don't know if I'm going to buckle again under the stress.

My husband came and hung out at the hospital with me and I think it was because he cares (?), but it also could have been a little guilt and possibly a good excuse not to have to go to work.

I have a hard time trusting his motives anymore.

June 1, 2006
7:57 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Sorry sweetheart that You only got one responce. I know that I have been bussy lately. Tonight I will come back and write to you more sweetheart after my boys go to sleep

June 1, 2006
7:59 pm
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Randomwomen2
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thats so funny we replied to eachothers posts at the same time (((hugs to you))))

June 1, 2006
8:11 pm
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Jasper
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About 2 years ago I started having minor chest pains and could see the " floating worms" as my mother calls them. They progressivly got worse until I had an "attack" one day and went to the hospital. I took an off duty paramedic friend with me for real answers. Turns out due to stress I was having PVC's(Premature Ventricular Contractions). The bottom part of my heart was contracting before it should causing the pain. They put me on anti depress meds and have not had one since. I do not walk round like a zombie or antything, it just makes things manageable. Maybe you should consider that also. Jasper

June 1, 2006
8:13 pm
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Jasper
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Also the stress was making my BP high and has now went down to a safer level.

June 1, 2006
8:16 pm
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Thank you, RW. My angst/anger might alienate people.

I think we/I have to accept love the way it is given. I think My husband cannot give love the way I need to feel it. It is extremely hard to see something this cold and forgive (yet again). I try to understand.

June 1, 2006
10:33 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dear Brynnie,

I am so sorry I did not post to you, sooner. Been caught up in my own little dilemmas. And you really need some support right now.

My 16-month relationship with an emotionally abusive BF (he has borderline personality disorder), following being widowed three years ago, (my late husband committed suicide when his business and health collapsed), and my inability to work, due to a physical disability have pushed my stress levels so hard that now I have panic attacks (two trips to the ER less than two months) and high blood pressure. Scares me. I know something has to give.

Bottom line: I need to find a way to live on my own (financially) on my monthly Social Security Disability (don't know how) and I have to step back from this BF who cannot meet my emotional needs. He is incapable of giving me (or anyone else, for that matter) love.

Living with such men can hurt our health: cancer; high blood pressure; stroke; heart trouble...

All of this can be caused by stress and emotional neglect/anguish. I will be praying for your Brynnie.

God bless.

- Strong

June 2, 2006
11:15 am
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Next morning.

Jasper I did not see your post last night. I agree that stress is/was a big part of this episode. And I was given a prescription for Wellbutrin, an anti-depressant, as an aide to quit smoking. I have tried to quit twice before using it. But this time (so far) I think I might be able to stop without it. Motivation is different now. I was chain-smoking. I'd like to keep off the "optional" medications if I can. So far, I feel much calmer. My family seems to be trying harder to resolve some things in recognition of what has happened.

Strong, bless your heart, you seem so very strong, and yet I hear how scarey it is trying to keep everything going.

You mentioned emotional neglect, and I recognized that I've been trying to get my emotional needs met by others too much. My anger is dissipating towards my husband, because he stayed close while I was getting tested and saw it all. And he knocked off the drinking. Maybe the man I married IS under there still. Apparently he doesn't want to lose me and he IS willing to try to change things. Hard to believe, but I am loathe to give up hope completely.

I've been saying exactly what I think. I was so angry for the way he's been behaving and told him how embarassing it was to me that I HAVE been giving up.

A "church lady" I've known through work sort of accidentally showed up at the hospital, and I "spilled" some of my anxiety about things onto her. Now I'm anxious about that. The lab tech who overheard a bit of it had her curiosity piqued...I handled it just fine, but ALWAYS, because we live in a smallish community, I have to be careful not to let things be known too much because it can harm the business and their reputation.

My poor younger son, who up until now has just tried to mediate, opened up to me on the phone (while I'm in the hosp!) and I was grateful that I was learning some of the truth of what has been going on, but so ashamed of my h, and them thinking I was a knowing party (which I wasn't), and loving them so much and feeling their pain, that I was crying on the phone and when he realized that, he suddenly felt like an idiot for causing me more stress.

I so much want the meds to work.

Trying to make it financially right now on a medical stipend is ridiculous. Truly ridiculous. Perhaps 2 or 3 people could combine resources so that you can afford more than food and heat, but it is crazy to have to see yourself down to subsistence living.

Which is why the nonchalence of how my h behaved is so inexcuseable. I do not understand where he got his justification in taking what he wants and not acknowledging that it's just like lying and stealing and cheating. HELLO !!!

June 2, 2006
11:30 am
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I am truly sorry, Strong, for the situation you are in. I have been praying for you as well. Your grief, and the horror of his death, and then hooking up with another "bad'un".....just brings you to overload. Before I was diagnosed with cancer, we, as a family, were grieving some accidental deaths of close friends, then went through about six more funerals within the subsequent year. I remember leaving my co-worker's funeral early because I just could not handle it anymore.

I've been thinking about what it takes to continue handling everything no matter what......

June 2, 2006
11:36 am
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I know it's your faith that gets you through, Strong, and I agree, but I try to mind the rules and save that for the liberation threads. For me, it's a given. It's the concrete stuff I feel sometimes I am missing.

I'm trying to keep a schedule today.
How's that for concrete? I'm offa here.

June 2, 2006
3:51 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dear Brynnie...

I think it did you alot of good to "vent." Doesn't mean you have given up on your husband (and you don't have to)...just gave you an opportunity here to anonymously post what you have been feeling and get some of the anger and frustration and emotional pain out into the open in a SAFE way.

I sure understand. For months, people have been urging me to dump the emotionally exhausting BF because he does not give me ANY emotional encouragement, support or compassion. Guess I am used to living with that, all of my life, so it is very hard for me to just "walk away" from him. He actually got engaged to me this past Valentine's Day (ring and everything...even a public announcement at my church), but hasn't done anything for me since. No prenup (required at our age...we are 56 & 62, so must set up our wills, etc. to provide for our children and grandchildren) and his behavior towards me has become increasingly abusive. I see less and less remorse or repentance for unkindness toward me. It seems to be escalating. I am wearing out. I guess it is my fear of being all alone that keeps me "hanging in there" with a man I am not married to and not intimate with. Nuts. So, I really do appreciate your prayers.

Keep posting and let us know how you are feeling. FEELINGS COUNT. They have so much to do with our health. I am hoping that your BP will fall into line when your general anxiety and stress gets reduced.

- Strong

June 4, 2006
1:43 am
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Hi again, Strong,

Today an old friend joined us for dinner after being gone for a yr. She is my friend, really, but because she is very pretty and a prof, my H was pleased to join us. At different points I felt he was exaggerating a story, or agreeing with her way too much, validating her opinion, ad nauseum. Why does he do these things in front of me so blatantly? He seems to get so desperate for attention he will just say anything.....he will play the antagonist, or flatter, whatever....it is like he has no principles. Sort of an intellectual whore, you know?

Thank you for validating my feelings. I am very grateful to him for many things, but he seems to only want self-gratification and does not make much effort to earn respect. He often talks right over me, won't let me finish a sentence. Other people NOTICE this!

How is your BF abusive to you? Is it just this kind of disrespect, or rude, or is he purposefully mean? Is it physical?

Maybe we can help each other if we talk about this and ask each other the right questions.

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