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neediness is getting the better of me
November 9, 2006
9:00 am
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2alone
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As you may or may not remember my boyfriend and I broke up for good a week ago. I'm just now starting to feel a little more like myself. I'm still having those thoughts of why wasn't I good enough - what more could I have done to save the relationship.... I know in my heart he was wrong for me. But it still hurts a lot.
Well today I woke up and I have this overwhelming need to be wanted by a guy. I don't want a relationship. What I want is some guy to tell me I'm beautiful, smart, wonderful etc. I know I need to be able to do that for myself to be a healthy individual...but today I want someone else to give this to me. Am I wrong??? Should I be committed and never let out??? I'm just so lonely...but even though I've thought of contacting my ex-boyfriend I haven't done it. I've remained strong. I just need to be needed.

November 9, 2006
9:10 am
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mj
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Did you get your needs met as a child? Did you feel like you were never good enough? These feelings might never been dealt with and won't go away until you deal with them. I am still working on my issues from childhood and I have 4 marriages that didn't get my needs met. I have discovered its never going to happen by relying on others to meet my needs.

Tell yourself the things you want to hear and maybe you will be able to change the old tapes!

November 9, 2006
9:25 am
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2alone
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You know I didn't get those needs met. To this day I'm not good enough for my family...although they will swear up and down that they did everything to tell me I was smart, beautiful etc. Part of the problem is my mom lives with me and I'm still hearing that I'm not good enough. It hurts. I know I need to sell my house and move away from her and tell her to fend for herself - it just seems so cold and uncaring to do. I'm trying to see the good in me. I'm trying to validate my own self-worth but it just doesn't seem to cut it. I hear in my head (not real voices by the way) "everyone knows you're not good enough - so say it all you want it don't mean anything!" Argh!

November 9, 2006
9:32 am
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mj
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I can imagine how difficult it would be to change the old tapes when you are still exposed to the old tapes on a daily basis.

Until we value ourselves, I believe we will keep getting what we are use to. People can be abused also by an overinvolved parent. I can imagine that living with ones parent would keep the dysfunction going.

I have faith you will figure out what is best for you. You are enough!

November 9, 2006
11:00 am
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revelation
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2alone, no you are ot wrong...you want to be loved, thats ok. But what is wrong is that you are focusing on something that actually won't solve your problem.

You seem quite negative about yourself, it seems your self-critic is quite strong at the moment...so strong that I am willing to lay bets that if some guy came along tomorrow and told you how wonderful you were, how beautiful and how amazing...you wouldn't believe it!!! Deep down inside you don't believe that of yourself, therefore the poor guy would be beating his head of a brick wall by telling you this. You need to go an work on blasting out that negative critic within you who keeps on putting you down...and you need to start listening to the teeeny tiiiny voice inside you sayin "Hey, wait a minute, I think you are great!" the only way to make that voice bigger is by really listening to it.

November 9, 2006
11:06 am
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hbdude2k
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Yo 2alone....
Even though I am a guy, I always wanted the attention and all I wanted is for somebody to tell me how good I look, wow your great, you are really smart etc....and you know, I didn't need it all the time, just something to keep me going. I know what you are talkn about though. You find yourself, you feel good about yourself and your ready to move on. However, you want to find that person that will give the feelings back to you. I was the one always giving and not receiving much. And through therapy I found out it was all about my parents not giving that and that is why I got married early, divorced later and went through a couple of relationships. After my last relationship, I quit. I quit with the girlfriend stuff and did some heavy therapy for 6 months, found myself, went to CODA meetings, read books and made me happy. Now that I am smarter, I chose smarter. I have a wonderful girl now, we both compliment each other and she has had 4 yrs of therapy also. I think that by being smarter, more educated about you and your background, you will understand the choices you make and the right choices will come to you. This is just my situation and I know everybodys is very different, but if I can share a few tips that I did to help anybody, its worth it. Go luck and be patient, it will be right for you when you least expect it.

November 9, 2006
11:21 am
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2alone
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Thank you.
I know through my time in therapy that I have everything I need to validate myself and be happy. I just feel so empty inside. My last boyfriend did tell me I was wonderful and pretty - and you're right I didn't believe him half the time. At first I would said - oh you don't really mean it. I learned to just say thank you and try to believe it. Now I'm alone and I'm missing that assurance that I'm valuable and worthy of love. I know in my head that I have a lot to live for and a lot to do with my life...my heart thinks differently.

I know I'm stuck in my development - not feeling good enough to deserve to be happy or feel love. I guess I don't know what to do to get past it -other than ask other people to re-assure me. pretty damn sad.

November 10, 2006
8:34 am
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revelation
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2alone....you need to start excepting yourself, thats how you get past it.

I have a quote:

"Only when I truly except myself then I can change".

You need to start looking at who you are, excepting the good and the bad, once you do that you can change the things you don't like, and that will lead to a greater regard for yourself, then you won't doubt it when people compliment you and you won't need reassurance, it will be a nice bonus, but you won't live your life by other peoples reassurances. We all tend to put way to much value on other peoples opinion of us, how we look, how we live our lives...there is not much use in that. Start trusting yourself and stop being so hard on yourself.

November 10, 2006
2:32 pm
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truthBtold
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I don't think that it is cold or uncaring at all for you to want to get your mom out of YOUR house.

Gosh, I would think that it would be almost impossible for me to live with my mom....and that constant negative energy around me all of the time!!!!

You may want to try and focus your energy in developing a plan which would help you to get your mom out of your house and fend for herself.

Maybe develop a plan with a timeline attached to it.

Maybe even start another thread which addresses this directly.

You are being so brave!

There is an EXCELLENT book by Susan Forward, PhD entitled: "Emotional Blackmail...When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You."

This book has helped me out alot!!!

November 14, 2006
12:54 am
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bittersweet2
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I go through the same thing I just want a guy to tell me he loves me and wants me and that I am beautiful.I was in a bad relationship w/a married man so badly I wanted himto tell me all that but he never did. It's only been 3 days that I have not seen him. I never feel good enough no matter what I do. I wasn't good enough in my mom's eye's as a child or even now. Never pretty enough never skinny enough, just never good enough even when I had a horrible eating disorder. I tryed so hard for this man to tell me I was good enough. He never did nothing to make me feel good it was all about him. So now I do have to look inside myself but I am also having a hard time. I wish u luck,I am right there with u.

November 14, 2006
2:31 am
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doubledilemma
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Dear 2alone, please have a look at Barbara Rose's site, where she talks about meeting your own needs...everyone wants validation and love and it seems as though the people who need it the most, get the least..perhaps that is Murphy's Law again!...I have no vested interest in mentioning her site, because I struggle myself, but please have a look at this site,s he writes alot of stuff and has lots of books on there...Unfortunately, that is all I have time to say to you at the moment, hon.

G.

November 14, 2006
9:58 am
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2alone
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Thanks again everyone.

Bittersweet - I'm sorry this has happened to you. I think users find us way too easily. I wish I could be there for you and help you realize that you can do better.

Double D - thanks for the web site information. I'll check it out. I up for reading anything that will help.

As an update I've been really good at no contact. He emailed me yesterday - it was a forward of the design of the kitchen in the house we were going to build together. All the email said - for your files hope you and the girls are well. Mom of course believes that this is him reaching out to me. I see it as a slam - see this is the life you gave up when you didn't follow my wishes. I thought I was strong and getting happier - but today I want to cave and call him to tell him I love him and I want the dream back. I know it would be horrible to do. I will not do it. I just want to be loved and hugged and told that someone loves me for me. Oh great! here comes the tears again...

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