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needhelpfromthecoffeehousecrowd
June 18, 2009
10:07 am
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Lanigirl
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After two weeks of being "off the wagon", my addiction showed up. He showed up exactly on a day when I was missing him.

My head knows that this won't go anywhere but down. It started in dishonesty ( I'm married) and we have different faiths and cultures. I know he keeps seeking me out from loneliness and I keep letting him back in from the same. It all ends in a headache because we go through the same discussion of why it won't work, etc.

We've spent months in silence. He once said he was going to leave the country and I believed him so I cried myself into closure on it and then he called 2 months later. He had never left. The next year, he moved away to another state. I didn't contact him. He called and said he loved me so I packed my bags. Of course, reality hit and I went home. Silence and then he called saying it would all be different. I ended it. A couple of months later, he moved 10 minutes from me. Now he said he's going to leave because being by me is like having handcuffs on.

I thought it would be enough and total bottom when his roommate's mother showed up (I teach adults and she was a past student). I felt such embarrassment and shame - I really thought I had hit bottom. I've been to a counselor. Something in me is disconnected somehow.

I have worn out my couple of friends with this and I feel too much shame to bring it up again. I feel them looking at me because they are outside of it and can see the craziness. I'm sharing because I can't breathe today. The pain is too much.

June 18, 2009
11:15 am
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sunshine88
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Hey Lanigirl, let it out, cry if u have to, vent, get it out of your system. talking about it helps us see things more clearly.

i'm sorry i have no wise advise to tell you about this addiction. but i just posted here so you know that i'm here for you, and that i'd be reading on this thread. if that's any comfort at all for u 🙁

let's wait for the others. in the meantime, hugs for u.

June 18, 2009
11:39 am
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StronginHim77
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It would be very helpful for you can get into private therapy, to understand why you are addicted to this young guy.

Where is your husband in all of this? Since you left him for a season, he must be aware of what is going on? Did he leave you or take you back?

- Ma Strong

June 18, 2009
12:20 pm
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Lanigirl
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Thanks Sunshine. It helps just to know you are around and listening. I just finished a walk and managed to make it in the house before the tears came.

Ma Strong,

I appreciate your input. Understanding my addiction in private therapy hasn't helped. The therapist was suprised, it's usually the man that has an affair. My past stuff with my family is the key and I keep finding periods where I think I've unlearned some of the behaviors and now I'm back. Interesting that you knew he was young = 12 years younger than me.

My husband has his own issues. I only physically left for a weekend. Mentally, I've been absent for 3 years or more. At the start, I hinted that I had coffee with this person. I wanted my husband to "claim" me but he isn't able to in a way that I can hear. I think on some level he knows but doesn't want to know.

June 18, 2009
12:35 pm
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sunshine88
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hey Lani, you know i've never been married. and i had been only in two relationships. so i am relatively inexperienced. but i am trying to understand, does it ever cross your mind to divorce? or are you both working hard to make your marriage work? ever consider coming clean and communicate (not just hinting) with ur husband where he is falling short, and what you're willing to give to make it work for the both of you?

i have so many questions. please dont find them offensive. i mean only to understand your situation. love u, girl.

June 18, 2009
12:42 pm
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Lanigirl
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Hey Sunshine,

I was thinking about divorce. That was at the start of the affair when I thought it was all roses.

I have thought about coming clean many, many times. We've been to marriage counseling together and that therapist and the other one suggested not to say anything but keep working on myself. He has a long history of family addiction and uses alcohol himself.

A lot has improved, so I think that it's me that isn't seeing things clearly.

I don't take offense at questions. I opened up the floor for questions.

Love sent back to ya

June 18, 2009
12:47 pm
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Anam Cara
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Lanigirl - seems this is not so unusual.

Nine couples in my life have there women having affairs with others and kicking the men out.

This is not what I feel is your problem - what about attraction for the other man and he for you. Perhaps its nothing other than sex between you. You part then memories begin to haunt you and so it goes on. I know because my ex wife had a lingering attraction from a man who wanted her two days before I married her. She was never unfaithful to me just betrayed me in other ways - so
Ask yourself is it the past sex that brings you together again after which the same chores becomes unattractive.

June 18, 2009
3:27 pm
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innerturmoil
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Hi
Lani,
I am sorry for your sit,, i am married and i did have an affair with another man years ago.. we are still together but very strained,,
Soo u are not still thinking of divorcing your h?
im just wondering like Anam, is it just sexual with this other man or is it more,,
i has a 'fling' with yet another man, when i thought my marriage was really over,, but the man still calls 4 yrs later.. wanting to get together and all,, i still had feelings for him, up until recently, (i guess they are still there a little bit) eventho i know he is a no good sob..
idk why women are always attracted to the 'bad' guys,, 'im not saying your 'other man' is a 'bad' guy,
just i know most men that are after married women, are usually not very good...
I wish u the best of luck,,sorry not more advice for you,,
hope you are feeling better..

June 18, 2009
3:37 pm
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sunshine88
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hey Lanigirl, you know i feel incapable of making a relationship be healthy, (ha ha) so i don't know what to say. i'm not qualified. so let me just sit here with you and sigh. at least you're not crying by yourself 🙂 hugs.

June 18, 2009
4:17 pm
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StronginHim77
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I strongly urge you to remain in therapy. This is a serious issue which needs healing. Otherwise, you will never be able to sustain a healthy, satisfying relationship. If this counselor can't get the job done, check out other therapists, preferably a psychologist (holding a PHD).

And keep posting.

- Ma Strong

June 18, 2009
8:10 pm
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Lanigirl
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Thanks all.

Sunshine, thanks for the cry. I felt so discouraged because here I am again.

Ma Strong, I just made an appointment with the therapist and I'm going to a CODA meeting on Fri. I'm definitely going to keep posting because part of the sickness is keeping this a secret (my family trained me well in this arena).

Anam and Inner,
I'm not happy to hear about the experiences you shared but it did make me feel better to know I'm not the only one. You both asked about it being just sexual. I'm mixed up about this. Sex in my marriage is infrequent so having someone attracted to me in this way clouds the rest of my judgment. I do like this person. He's as lonely and as mixed up as I am. But I do know it isn't love now.

June 19, 2009
4:05 am
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sunshine88
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hey Lanigirl, it's another day now for me, so good morning! weird time zones, why can't we be all in one time zone?!

anyway, don't let it discourage you that your problem keeps coming back, it's a sign that it hasn't been resolved. yesterday i was sharing with TruthBTold about a realization while i was cleaning my kitchen. it was like the more i was cleaning the floor under the cabinets, the more dirt i was discovering, and it was getting tiring, but i couldn't stop, because all the dirt were coming out. and when i thought it was done, then i find more dirt. i think this describes the process of our healing. until you look under the cabinets and find that it's ultra clean, then the dirt problem is entirely resolved. otherwise, we are just hiding clutters of ourselves where no one can see. but it pops up, and we must never get tired of getting rid of the toxic elements in our lives.

i can imagine you've must gone through a lot of emotional dissatisfaction before you reached this stage. but you see, the fact that you're not comfortable with it, is a very good sign.

how are you feeling today?

but i really hope you could get to the root of your problem, because i can imagine that you're not the only hurting from this. all of you are.

June 19, 2009
9:40 am
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Lanigirl
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Hey Sunshine,

How's your day/night? You sound like you're doing well. Again, I'm so grateful for your support.

The time zone thing - my stepsister lives in Australia and I'm still a mess figuring out the zones and her seasons (opposite to where I live).

I like the analogy you used about cleaning. Sometimes, I wish I could just get a cleaning crew in and get the whole thing done at once.

I actually did clean my car out and my house yesterday. It really helps me think.

I agree. Being uncomfortable is a good sign. The good news is that I feel better today. Thanks for asking. Usually after these episodes, I get really depressed for weeks or months. I'm trying to feel good despite the problems.

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