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**********Need*********
November 19, 2006
5:25 pm
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cyndra820
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For you and only you.

November 19, 2006
5:26 pm
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cyndra820
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Why are you hating yourself? I hope it's not the computer stuff. Machines aren't the easiest things to understand.

November 19, 2006
5:29 pm
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needtoheal
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I HATE MYSELF

November 19, 2006
5:32 pm
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needtoheal
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I DID ALL THIS STUFF

TRYING SO HARD

AND FOR WHAT??

can't even login

and did all this stuff

so that fleashit

cannot reach me

and he did not call

not that i expected him to call

November 19, 2006
5:38 pm
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cyndra820
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Okay, take a deep breath, let it out. Again....again....again.

Okay, look at it objectively. Your computer is having trouble with a program. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Fleashit is attempting to yank your chain and get a response from you. He is probably thinking that if he doesn't call you and you think he's angry with you that you will call him and make ammends.

One of the Mamas called it playing possum. That's what he's doing. Don't let him get to you.

And let's be honest here...if you hadn't expected him to call then his NOT calling wouldn't bother you so much. It's okay to admit that it bothers you that he didn't try. It hurts. I've been there. Hell, I was there week before last.

It's okay. It's part of the growing process. Remember what the book said today? It's okay to feel our feelings. We have to accept that we have them. So being disappointed that he didn't even try to contact you is okay.

Need, you are not letting yourself down by being disappointed. Am I right about that? If I'm not, bonk me.

November 19, 2006
5:42 pm
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needtoheal
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amoebas do shit

am i disappointed? i knew that when i mentioned him that it does seem that way... no i am not disappointed but yet wonder what he is trying to do to me? continue to hurt me?

i pushed him away yesterday
i know i did
at the end of the conversation he
said that he was at the clients house
and i said good bye
he said that he will talk to me later
and i said goodbye and
hung up

so is that pushing away??

November 19, 2006
5:45 pm
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cyndra820
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It could be pushing away or it could be something else.

Do you really not want any contact with him? Are you sure you are wanting to go the No Contact route?

I think you are sitting on the fence. What is your greatest fear if you push him away? If you go completely No Contact what is your greatest fear?

I'll tell you mine. That I might have lost the only opportunity I will ever have to get married again and have a family of my own.

I have five godchildren and no children of my own. I don't regret giving my son up for adoption, but I regret that at 38 I still don't have any children and the older I get the more afraid I am that I may never have any.

So for me No Contact was letting go of that dream. That was so hard for me, and still is. I still cry over that.

November 19, 2006
5:48 pm
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needtoheal
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i do have choices here cyndra

1---i can stay in contact and prolong the pain and keep suffering

2--- make sure that I keep the door closed by all possible ways
and move on

He is not worthy of my time
all that i am
he is incapable of having empathy
cannot be with my kids
etc
you know all of this
and so do I

November 19, 2006
5:49 pm
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cyndra820
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We both know what the options are, but that doesn't mean we are ready to choose.

November 19, 2006
5:50 pm
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needtoheal
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I don't have a choice

but to make a decision

thank you cyndra for your time

i understand that you have other things to do and i want you to know that i do appreciate your concern, love and effort

November 19, 2006
5:52 pm
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needtoheal
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you asked a couple of questions

cyndra

last night that is stuck in my head

about why do I want to fix him

November 19, 2006
5:54 pm
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needtoheal
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and my fears about pushing him away??

not many because I have learned to cope with being alone

fears about NO CONTACT?

not many either for the same reason

November 19, 2006
5:55 pm
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needtoheal
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don't even know if i even make sense

November 19, 2006
5:57 pm
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needtoheal
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going to take mandy out

be back

November 19, 2006
5:58 pm
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needtoheal
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cyndra~~

why would I want to sit on the fence

anyway.........???/

i cannot figure this out

he offers nothing to me anymore
no validation
no empathy
no sex
no companionship

November 19, 2006
6:05 pm
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needtoheal
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i'm back and all alone

sorry

November 19, 2006
6:05 pm
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Rasputin
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(((Need)))

I am sorry honey for this type of relationship, a real poor quality. You really do NOT deserve that at all!!!

a wise man once said "Solitude is better than a bad company."

(((Warm Hug)))

November 19, 2006
6:05 pm
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cyndra820
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No, you are not alone.

November 19, 2006
6:06 pm
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needtoheal
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what do I do about paltalk???

November 19, 2006
6:07 pm
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needtoheal
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MAYBE he is getting his marcisstic

supply somewhere else

November 19, 2006
6:08 pm
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cyndra820
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Need~ you are my sister. I'm not going anywhere. Stop apologizing and thanking me. I want to be here for you.

Maybe you need to think about the answers to those questions. I know you don't want HIM but there is some idea of a partner that you may not want to let go of.

I know about that. Also, have you ever been on your own? I mean no man at all? No, I'm not saying anything negative, but if you've never been there it may seem a little overwhelming at first. I know you are strong enough to be alone, but it may seem a bit weird.

Am I making sense?

November 19, 2006
6:10 pm
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cyndra820
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PalTalk: Since reinstalling it didn't work I guess you may have to wait until they get back to you. I don't understand why it didn't work, it really should have.

FleaShit: He could be narcissistic, he could just be a dick. Whatever he is he's a pain in the ass. PITA.

How are you feeling? You've not talked about being sick that much today and I know you still are.

November 19, 2006
6:17 pm
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needtoheal
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ok.. gathered myself somewhat

i don't know cyndra

i have been alone without someone and it does not scare me because i have been making strides so i do not feel that insecure

i got so frustrated about paltalk

then my head went to him again

i know that this is "NORMAL" for those that have been involved with N's ...

disappointed if they do not call

November 19, 2006
6:18 pm
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needtoheal
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You are right ras--berry and thank you for coming here and being with me
and for your words of wisdom

November 19, 2006
6:18 pm
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needtoheal
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feel like a baby now

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