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Need to Vent...
April 28, 2005
2:08 pm
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EJ_Alfred
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September 27, 2010
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I've been in an open relationship since October. I've been in closed relationships before and they haven't worked well--generally I feel smothered, or my partner can't "deal" with it after a while. That's part of the reason this relationship seemed like such a good idea; it was exactly what I'd wanted from my past experiences.

My current boyfriend was already involved with two other people by the time he met me, and we got together because I was helping him to deal with some problems he was having with them. (In hindsight I guess I was sort of the "rebound" partner who ended up being asked to stay.) The problem is, I actually do love him. I never loved any of the other people I've been with and so this has been a very liberating experience, except that he has people "on the side". He has told me several times that he is closest to me, and I know that he has worked harder on our relationship than on those he has with his other lovers. He has also said that if it came down to it he would choose me over them--but he never will. I know that, and he knows that.

Last night we were visiting some friends, and one of his other lovers was there. I got into a conversation with my room mate's son, and the next thing I knew my boyfriend and his lover were making out in front of us.

When we drove home he apologized for it and at first I told him what I usually do ("it's alright, I don't mind", etc.) but he pressed me for an honest answer. I told him that I had been hurt but that I didn't feel I had any reason to, and it turned into a fight.

I ended up yelling at him, which I've never done before, and despite how "good" it made me feel afterwards, I fear now that it's just another set-back. After I yelled at him we talked calmly and got things sorted out (he won't do anything like it again, or he'll try not to have me and 'them' in the same place again).

I got into this knowing and wanting it to be an open relationship. I've dated other people besides him, but I honestly don't care about them the way I do about him.

I don't want to ask him to "choose" because I'm the newcomer, I'm the "third wheel", and besides that how would it be if they asked him to kick me out? And like I said, closed relationships only seem to make matters worse for me. But I don't know how much longer I can take this, and I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

April 28, 2005
2:16 pm
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Anonymous
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September 24, 2010
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Could it be that you truly like him more because he is so unattainable?

I tend to really like men I know it will never happen with. Almost like a challenge. BUt then if I were to get them, I lose interest.

It also sounds like you two are at different places. You have apparently invested more than he has so far.

And finally, I don't care how open a relationship is, that is just WRONG to do what he did. I am glad he apologized.

April 28, 2005
2:19 pm
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kc30
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I don't know...it's one thing to agree to see other people...it's quite another to make out in front of you. That's deeper than being "open"...that's almost exhibitionist behaviour, wouldn't you say?

You have the right to change your mind. If it doesn't work for you anymore...then don't stay! It's not worth the toll this will take on your self-esteem. If you didn't care, then GREAT. But you do...it bothers you and imho, you need to honour your feelings.

kc

April 28, 2005
2:30 pm
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kathygy
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Take an honest look at what you want to happen with this man. You do have the right to ask him to choose you if that's what you want. It doesn't matter when he met you. Tell him what you want and then by his answer you will know what to do. And do it. If you want manogomy and he doesn't then move on.

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