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need to understand therapist.
April 14, 2000
5:41 pm
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lew45
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I was going to a suport group and I like to make things so I made some things for a breavment social worker . She told me that she couldn't except them that she would have to leave them where she worked . Which was fine. Well I made a spring arrangement for her to use in group and left it at the front desk. I also had wrote her letters which she never said that wasn't alright and she would talk to me when I needed her. She is a wunderful person but she wrote and said I couldn't make anything else and that the friendship I was wanting couldn't be. It has hurt me very much cause I guess since I come from a small comunity I really never looked at her as a councler but a friend and I felt that way about everyone that I ment their. I keep trying to not take this personaly but I think it might have hurt less if she would have stabbed me in the heart with a knife. She helped me through some really rough times and now I have a friend thats dying and i need their help . should I just forget it and try not to think about this anymore? It really hurts? I will probably never be able to go to another suport group and I need one right now.

April 15, 2000
12:44 am
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NatureL
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It is the way therapists MUST work with clients/patients to NOT become involved with them on a personal level of friendship. This is a must and how they all are trained. This is for your own good. If they became your friend, they could not remain objective and therefore give you the proper counseling and help you have requested from them. A counselor probably won't share much about their personal life, either. This is normal and the right thing to do. Please don't take it personally, it's for your own good. Just go to your counseling sessions and do the "work" to make your life better and let your counselor do her job without you demanding her friendship, too. Don't give gifts, this puts the counselor in the position of perhaps feeling badly for not "giving you what you may want from them," a friendship. Don't do this to yourself or counselor. Save the lovely gifts for your friends and family...and yourself. If you need help, please call on your counselor but don't expect them to be your friend, this isn't fair. They are your caring counselor who wants to help. Go to your group now and be strong. Good luck.

April 15, 2000
10:44 am
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janes
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Naturel is telling you the right thing.

It is a part of your growth that you want this friendship. But therapists are trained to be therapists. to help you on the right path, get you through the rough times and send you back to your own lives. They also have their own lives.

You sound kind, giving and loyal..but those gifts and the things you make belong to you.

Value your self most of all. You can find true friendship outside of a therapist.

April 15, 2000
12:13 pm
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lew45
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Thanks for your commits and i'm trying to not take it personaly but its hard not to. I guess its also becouse this was a breavement group through hospice and after a while you feel like its a family in itself. I had a person tell me it was not unusual for people to give things to hospice to show their appreciation and I had made the last deal for everyone to enjoy. I know I am a giving person and I just can't help it . I have a therapist I go to and at christmas time I always make her something and she told me that she has to be careful excepting gifts but she feels like if their homemade that you made them especially for them.I have lots of Friends and this shouldn't matter but it still hurts and I will just stick to going to my regular councler even though I have a sister in law dieing and I do need the group but I will get through it becouse I have many a time without going to a group . Thanks again!

April 15, 2000
4:01 pm
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janes
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Is there another support gorup you could look into. Groups do becomes a family..but remember in all families change happens..the kids (clients) growup and leave the parents (therapists) this is natural and normal...

April 15, 2000
6:52 pm
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lew45
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I drove 55 miles to go to the one I was going to and thats how far I drive to see my therapist so I just think I will try to tuff this out on my own. It seems like I've lost so many people in my lifetime I guess its time to handle things myself. I am glad I went to the group to help me understand about grief cause I had no Idea what it truley was about except everytime I lost someone it hurt like hell and then when I lost both my parent 2 years ago just four days apart I would of never been able to cope without the help of others. I am gratefull just wish I didn't get so attached to people. would like to do volunter work for Hospice but I can't handle people dying

April 15, 2000
11:11 pm
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louisa
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I am sorry about your experience in your bereavement group. You sound like a very caring and giving person who would enjoy volunteer work. I have attended a mental health support group and know that it can become like "family". I hope you can find another group that will be helpful to you.

April 18, 2000
4:30 am
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grace
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lew45,
I was in a similar situation and once tried to tough it out even though I knew I needed help. It resulted in a frustrating prolonging of misery. I know now for myself, there is no virtue in needless suffering and though it was hard to face my counselor again (pride? fear of attachment and dependency? fear of rejection?) it was the best thing for me to do.

I also originate from a small town and can totally understand how the counseling relationship can be confusing. You feel like someone has saved your life and you want to give back somehow. It feels like bad manners to not thank the person, to try to have a reciprocal relationship or close friendship. But it is a different relationship. They are there to help you and they can do that best by not getting personally involved. That way they can focus entirely on helping you. NatureL is right. It took me a long time to accept all of that. I still get confused sometimes, but I understand a bit more and I don't take it too personally anymore when my counselor keeps distant. Even though she doesn't seem to "care" about you the way you'd like her to, she is actually giving you the best care of all. You say you also have a regular therapist? You don't have that problem with him/her? Do you also discuss death and grief with him/her?

The death of loved ones will always hurt, because you love them so much, but if talking with others eases the pain then do it. For yourself (not take on the worries of everyone else). I also wanted to volunteer for hospice right after my mom died, to help other caregivers, but the more I looked into doing it the more I realized that I'm not ready to face death and inevitable death on a daily basis. Not right now anyway. It doesn't sound as though you are ready for that either. And really, there is no rush even though it might feel you have to do it now. Take care of yourself first, especially if you want to help others the best you can. Be nice to yourself. You've been through a lot.

I'll be thinking of you…

April 18, 2000
7:57 am
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lew45
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Grace, Thanks for what you said cause I am very misserable but mostly hurt I think.I don't know I guess I didn't know how to take it. You will probably laugh when I tell you this but when she first said she couldn't be the kind of friend that I wanted to be I thought does she think I'm gay becouse I thought a friend was a friend and I couldn't figure out what she ment. I should of then talked to her more about it becouse it really had bothered me and It seemed like I couldn't talk to anyone about it. Thats when I decided to talk to others about it on hear and I'm glad I did.I do have a regular therapist and when I first made her something she told me that she thought that when someone made something for you homemade that the gift was made expecially for you and i'm glade she thinks that way. I had never been to a therapist at all till after my parents died and I just couldn't handle things. I allways allso take things to personal and I think a person can get hurt alot becouse of that. I thought alot yesterday and wanted to call this girl to tell her maybe I understand a little more but please don't shut me out right now becouse with my sister-in-law dying its so hard not to have the group. Yesterday I was at the hospitol to see her and I left the room and come back in and she was crying .First thing I thought about was shes in worse pain becouse all day she had had trouble. Then she told me she had read the card and peom I had brought to her then I cryed. Its so very hard to see her in pain and not be able to do much about it and the bad part its not going to get any better and I know that from past experience of course just like i've told her and her husband that God still could do a miricle and the Doctors can't predict when shes going to die. Maybe that I'm just trying to believe thats its not going to happen but for now I need that. Today they are suppose to talk to the doctors to see when they are going to let her come home. I don't even know how she will stand the trip home cause she gets sick if she sits up to long. Well thanks again . Take care.

April 18, 2000
6:39 pm
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grace
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lew45,

I can identify with your confusion with your counselor so much! At least you had the courage to bring it up with her. That’s great! Wish I could have. Please clarify for me – did your group counselor ask you to stop attending? How specifically is she shutting you out? If you were to attend again, do you think it will be more helpful for you or will the uncomfortable feeling with the counselor get in the way of helping you with your sister in law’s illness? For me, the uncomfortableness got in the way so I had to take a break for a while. Are there any groups nearer to your home? At your sister in law’s hospital maybe? It sounds like you want to stick with your first group and it might be best for now, but look into other options as well. I can understand though, a small town might not have many options. The nearest one for me is 25 miles away.

Are there other family members or friends with you visiting your sis? Sounds like you are a very giving person. Hope you have some assistance too.

April 18, 2000
6:59 pm
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grace
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lew45- I saw your posts in another thread (confidentiality) about control and keeping pills “just in case.” I too went through the same thoughts and actions and though I feel a lot better overall now, I just can’t seem to get rid of the pills. I even thought of giving them all to my counselor too, but then thought, what would she care since I never really talked about that with her. Anyway, it’s eerie to me how much of what you write sounds like stuff I could have written.

April 18, 2000
8:53 pm
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lew45
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Grace, I am going to have to write this fast cause I think i'm going to the hospitol tonight cause Sue is pretty down becouse today they told her their was nothing else they could do for her. I love her mom to death but she thinks she ought to go to a nursing home she would get better care. NO WAY if I can help it. She really is my ex sister in law but I new her long before I even ment her brother I was only five years old and her and her husband lived across the street and I spent a lot of time at their house and she spoiled me rottan then when I had kids she spoiled them rotton. As for some of your questions she didn't tell me I couln't come to group I just couldn't write anymore and I don't even know if she will except my phone calls or not. I need to talk to her becouse it will make it uncomfortable if I go back to group. Now with Sue I won't have so much Ideal time so that will help I hope. I don't know if theirs any groups closer or not but i still go to my therapist but I don't think it helps as much in the grief part. As for the pills why don't you talk to your therapist about them and I didn't directly hand them to her I put them in a sack and left them at the desk and ask her if she would get rid of them and that I wasn't ready to talk about it so she doesn't pressure me. I can tell you more when I have more time but give them to someone its not good to hold on to them and you will feel better about yourself just taking that step. I am allways hear to talk to you if I can help. I maynot be back for a few days but I'll ck this as soon as I'm hear. Please hang in their and we can help each other that is why God put us hear.

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